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User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H's coming home tomorrow. Sometimes I get in a funk right before he comes home. I am happy on the one hand, but on the other, it just reminds me of what I don't have MOST OF THE REST OF THE TIME!

Again...I know what you mean! For a couple of days before he gets home I can't sleep or eat. I'm a total basket case.

The having to say 'good bye' is horrible.

I also have a difficult time with the fact that I want our time together to be good. So, do I bring up something that has been bugging me and risk getting into a fight on his home days? Do I stuff it all down and hope it passes? Freakin' internal conflicts...geez I hate them!

For me it doesn't matter where we live. His job takes him all over the place. We've only got another 2 1/2 years until our youngest graduates and I'm nervous about that. What if he keeps working away and then I'm dealing with that and the empty nest!!!

Geez, is it to early to have a drink?

It's difficult enough to have good M when one S works away, the pressure when you're trying to successfully R is so brutal. It has all the normal components and then some.

Dear Gawd we are patient women and men who go through this I'm just not so sure if it's a strength or a weakness.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
surreal
♀ Member
Member # 13864
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
2 year separation. He gets to come home most weekends. The "coming home" and "going away" are challenging. Always getting to know him again and then saying goodbye.

2. 2. Where you LD when the affair happened?

Yes! He said it never would have happened if I was with him.

3. Is being LD normal for you? Yes. Hopefully this is the last time.

4. Do you have kids? 2 high school daughters. The reason we did not move with him.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?
FWH had a brief affair. OW husband told me. We didn't tell anyone so I needed LOTS of support and found it here.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?
Blind trust. He stills works with OW. I require constant communication now. Phone calls everytime he moves location. He has been a saint and is holding up his end of the deal. I am now able to start helping him heal. He gets lots of "attaboys" for all of his efforts!

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way? I thought we had a good marriage. We quit communicating, thought we knew the answers so didn't ask. Neither of us likes confrontation and we prided ourselves in how little we fought over the years. We saved it all up for one GIANT fight!



Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2007
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey surreal...so nice to meet you.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship pior to the cheating & what made it that way? I thought we had a good marriage. We quit communicating, thought we knew the answers so didn't ask. Neither of us likes confrontation and we prided ourselves in how little we fought over the years. We saved it all up for one GIANT fight!

This made me laugh Not in a disrespectful way, just the ironic shaking my head kind of way. I swear it's like all you people are in my head today! That is exactly what FWH and I were like to.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in a tough place today too, punky. Maybe we can help each other. My sitch has so many different problems to it that I am having an increasingly hard time justifying to myself not filing for D. Most would have run far and fast by now, and of late I am beginning to feel the concern of whether I will be able to look myself in the mirror down the road, regardless of outcome. This is why I feel the need to start establishing boundaries asap.

Up til now, it has been enough for me that H said he doesn't want D, that I don't think he really loved the OW, and that I thought things were ended and there had been minimal contact since January. Finding out the last was not as true as I thought, or at least that the OW didn't feel there was an absolute end to things (I actually called her the other night for the first time--9 timezones away), has really bothered me. It makes me question the second assumption, which is beyond my self-respect threshold. So, time to switch gears.

Problem is, my immediate reaction is to call H and say, I'm done, and threaten to file. (t/j: Anyone else here get mad that we are even deprived of making the threat of "leaving" them? We can't leave them when they're not fucking here. I always catch myself saying "leave" when really all I can do is file. He's the one that leaves all the time.) But I promised him and myself that I wouldn't do that anymore unless I really meant it. Not that I'm really concerned about the promise to him, given how much his promises seem to be worth, but again, this is about me and my self-respect. So my promise to myself is key.

Help me form my new strategy that will give me the security of knowing I have a plan, and hopefully keep me from doing something drastic. Part of my spelling it out here is to make you guys accountable for holding me to it if I start to waver. Just remind me of what I said, okay? This is what I'm thinking:

Step 1: It is time for me to enforce that baseline for not filing that you set, punky. Only took me almost 6 months, though I did think it was more or less in place already. How did your H institute NC? Did you get to see/hear it, or have some other "proof" that it occurred? Was there a clear and final end to the A relationship or did he just stop contacting her? I am going to need proof at this point, I think. I want to either be party to a 3-way international NC call, and/or be cc-ed on an NC email.

I guess I should see how that request goes before bothering with Step 2 and any others on my list. If he can't agree to that one then we're dead in the water.

Step 2: If NC is not enacted, then proceed with working out settlement agreement, go NC with him except regarding kids or settlement discussion, and file D when ready. Do NOT entertain any R or M talk. Do NOT make "family" plans re: vacation, relocation, etc. and stop all discussion of such NOW.

If NC is enacted, then propose the aforementioned boundaries for R.

(punky, I plagiarized my list in part from a thread in Recon last week, so feel free to jump on the bandwagon! I figure no need to reinvent the wheel when it can just be modified to fit my vehicle. )

Consequences to crossing these boundaries pre- resumed cohabitation are still pretty vague, depending on which one and how badly it's broken, but essentially "all bets are off." I may file or reconsider the possibility, but at the very least it means that the relationship will be further eroded to the point that more fence-mending will be needed from him to R and I may just decide it's not worth it. BUT, so long as he does these things, then I'll give us a chance.

Step 3: If D, then D, hopefully as painlessly as possible. Go on with my life with kids. The possibilities are endless.

If still R, then resume making family plans, pursuant to plan for resuming cohabitation according to schedule. Three possibilities: 1) relocation to where H is now if permanent offer comes through, 2) H comes home when contract is up in early fall and finds employment here, even if not "perfect, start-up excitement" type job, or 3) H finds longterm position elsewhere that means family relocation together, not just him. Also, begin working on postnup agreement.

4) Let the party begin. Either the rollercoaster madness of R with a postnup in place, or healing, public disclosure, and reentering the dating pool when I'm ready.

Thoughts? Feedback? What am I forgetting or should consider doing differently?


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I see I've missed all the good conversation while typing my post!

Oh boy, can I ever relate! Unfortunately.

OPL:

I hate being stuck in limbo land.
See, this is why, despite the craptacular turn my life has taken in the last 6 months, I finally feel oh so close to being happy. I am so.sick of the fucking limbo I can't stand it anymore. I was in the limbo even before having a dday, so dday was just the icing on the shit cake my H has been eating. Whether we actively R or actively D, I don't care anymore! Well, I do, but I will just be SO happy to have something HAPPENING in my life on the personal relationship front, it is not even funny.

It sounds like you knew your H would be traveling for awhile, or at least once it started, but I've never even had that peace of mind. It was always, "maybe I'll be home in another few months, or maybe I'll be able to have you guys come here (wherever here was) soon." For 5 years! Do you know how maddening that is?! It's been almost impossible to make any plans that way, always having to tell the kids, well, I don't know if we should commit to that b/c we may have to move. I am fairly active in my kids' activities and other local groups, but always turned down organizational offices and inhibited my career--even at one point told my job I was leaving 2 months out, only to have things change. Insanity. I cannot do limbo. I don't do it well.

I also hear you and surreal (welcome, surreal!) on stuffing down the arguments when he was home so we could enjoy the time together, or thinking we were doing so well because we didn't argue much. Well I see where that got me now. Doormat status, apparently.

punky, I also hear you about the money. H's travel was primarily about getting him the experience, not just money. But even when he now makes good money in his jobs, we also don't see eye to eye and I only see what he sends home. His COL has been high in the two cities he was in most of the last 2 years and he is way more spendy than I am, and uses it for other "business" interests. So I think he should have been able to save way more and we don't see any real benefit from it when you add in two households, etc. and who knows what else he's been up to. Not that he's been making oodles of money or anything, but definitely better than it has benefited the family. Which is just yet another reason why it's not worth it anymore, IMO. He's got the experience to where he should be able to find a job doing exactly or close to what he wants to do here at home now, even if not quite so glamorous, whereas I would agree he couldn't have got on somewhere 5 years ago or would have had to pay a lot more years of "dues." Now, even had dday not occurred, the travel just isn't worth the toll on the family if you want the family.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
surreal
♀ Member
Member # 13864
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ohpuhlease. I really like your user name! How many times I've wanted to say that to my FWH!

I see that we registered at about the same time.

I wish there was a way to help other couples like us who think everything is fine in their marriage. I would listen to Dr. Phil and Oprah and think that doesn't apply to me! Boy, I was wrong! Humble pie here thinking my world was all rosy. The world looks much different now.

Thanks for the welcome and supportive thoughts to you on your R journey.

(It's 5:00 o'clock somewhere, go ahead and have that drink!)


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2007
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update and need more help:

This is a textbook example of how our exchanges often go. H usually agrees or does what's needed, but not without some stress and argument, and then goes along just well enough to keep me from screaming but not well enough so that I can truly feel good about it. Is anyone else's H like this? It's not just A stuff, but everything. I don't know how to "fix" it or even if I can or should. I do want him to be a man, not my child, I just hate the unnecessary arguments and stress.

So, I called H and told him there had to be real NC. Asked for either the 3-way call or him to copy me on an email. He agreed to call, but not with me on the line. I pushed for one of the options I wanted but he wouldn't agree, which led to much argument and upset on both sides. I said it was about him being willing to take a stand for us in front of her and why won't he do it, why is it a big deal if he is working on us. He said I know he doesn't like ultimatums (it wasn't, it was a boundary and a consequence, and I made that clear--he didn't HAVE to do it) and he will handle it his way, and he doesn't know if us is going to work out. I told him I had wanted him to handle it and gave him a chance to and thought he did, but obviously not well if there is still regular contact, so this time I wanted to be involved, to see proof. And we can guarantee that "us" won't work so long as there are more than 2 people in our M.

He wouldn't agree to more than him calling and letting me know. Said I could call her to verify if I wanted to. (Yeah, he wasn't thrilled I'd called her last week.) I said it is crazy for me to call his OW to verify something that is between me and him--she is not part of my M! Not any M I'm staying in, anyway. So we were going round and round and both getting worked up, then eventually my sis called on other line and she has the kids today so I said I had to go, no need to hear more from him unless he was willing to do what I needed. I hung up and faked calm and talked to my sis, then cried and felt very defeated for a few minutes, then realized I had a few more things to get off my chest. Tried to call him back and his line went to voicemail right away, then kept ringing a long time when I called right back--I could tell he was on a call. I left a rather uh, feisty message on his machine.

He called back maybe 5 minutes later--it was quick--and said he'd talked to her. Said he told her that he wanted to be sure we were all on the same page, that they were over and that he was working on us. He said OW said that my call the other day had also clarified a few more things for her and she was getting the picture (did I mention my 2yo woke up while I was on with her and I went and got him and soothed him while on the line, talk about a dose of reality for her). He also told her that they "shouldn't really" be texting back and forth anymore, so that's that. And he calls this an NC call.

I believe that he called her. I am glad that he acted right away. I am peeved about him just barely doing what I wanted in a way that irks me. And I am furious that he didn't take a more firm stand than that and that I didn't hear it myself. I would bet that the call he made was in character with him and how he is, and that she got the message, but should I be okay with that as proof? If not, what else can I push for? Do I just wait to see if it sticks? I swear I am not usually an idiot, really.

After he told me I did reiterate that more C is absolutely not okay and that if there is more C or attempts at such, he needs to tell me, even if I don't ask. He said okay. He also said that his call pretty much torpedoed that sitch and that if we didn't work out she probably wouldn't be trying to hear from him again, which should make me happy because isn't that what I want. Cry me a river, is what I didn't say to that but wanted to.

Then, after all of this drama, he goes on to say that she really did already know what was up and that the calls would vary depending. That it was always up and down with her on a cycle. She would say how are you doing, I know you're working on your M, this is hard, then the next week why haven't I heard from you, why don't you call me, fine, then I'm through, then again with the how are you doing, I understand, etc. etc.

Fucktard! This made me alternately want to laugh and be more pissed because it sorta jives with what I got from her, and I can totally see him responding to this, but why the fuck couldn't he have just told me that in the first place? I know I shouldn't understand and don't have to, but I can see how that kind of communication would be going back and forth. (Though I would also have told him to nip that BS in the bud and stop feeding on that shit for validation and stop trying to preserve her positive image of him. I'll get to that another time though--we'd both had enough for today, I think.) Before all he would tell me was that he heard from her occasionally and that she was having a hard time and would text to say what's up, and he'd respond. That sounded more like active A communication which is why I was freaking out about it. This other stuff is for crap too, but I would have handled it differently had I known. I just don't see why everything has to be such a battle?

Um, did I ever mention we are both Leo personalities and we sometimes have power struggles in our M? I respect his not wanting to concede his power, even in his seemingly boundless wrongness, because then he thinks I'll expect him to do whatever I say all the time and I don't want that and neither does he, but why does he have to make it so hard all the time? I don't want us to be having the power war, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm not going to go along with stupidity just to make him feel like a man, but he always puts us in competition rather than letting me help him. He'll only tell me the real deal after he thinks he's taken care of it to his own satisfaction.

So, how did I do? Am I totally pathetic or what? What do I do now?

(And he does know there is more coming because he said "this is just the first thing you're gonna want because after this there'll be more." And I said yes he was right there was more but i wouldn't tell him even though he asked several times b/c I said it didn't matter what else until there were only 2 people in our M.)

I feel better right now but we'll see how long that lasts.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evening ladies and may I say you are all looking beautiful tonight! Would you join me for a crantini?

Incrisis...I'm so proud of you!!!! Actually I think we should bust out the champagne for this.

You stood your ground and dug in your high heels. You didn't back down and now he knows your going to fight for your boundaries. Looks good on you!

I have a question though. The OW still keeps calling him after he's told her? Geez, maybe you should ask your H if he's ever seen the movie Fatal Attraction. She knows the two of you are trying to work out your marriage and still persists...disturbing!

What have you told him about this. I think you should expand your list to add in this:

-If contacted by OW, don't answer the phone and delete all messages with hearing or listening.

-If the OW contacts him, he is to tell you this asap.

But yes you did good.

PS: I'm a Leo too so I can totally relate. My FWH is a Virgo. So you have me who wants the power and him who is a perfectionist.

Surreal...what sign are you?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, OPL! I tried an appletini for the first time last night. Yes, my H drove me to drink--I was teatotal all my life until shortly before dday, when I could see our M was in the crapper even if H couldn't. I don't drink a lot, but I do now keep a home stash.

t/j: Man, vodka is nasty stuff. Never had it before. Is there any good kind of vodka? I admit I went for price over label, since I am clueless on this stuff. Anyhoo, I much prefer champagne.

I don't think the OW is a bunny boiler, although the jury's still out on that. I think it's more that H was enjoying the continued contact and attention. Not inciting it, but definitely not discouraging it or making a clean break. He was keeping a security blanket on hold and admitted as much today. The contact is all via text message, by the way. He is to let me know of any attempts at contact, but I'll see if he'll agree to the deleting TMs unseen as well.

But yeah, she did know we were trying to work on our M and she has continued to message him anyway. I fault him for it because I am sure his responses were letting her continue to hold out hope, but I agree it's not a sign of a very healthy SOW either.

It seems like fairly classic addictive/abused behavior, and I would say he has abused both of us emotionally but her moreso. And she knows it--said it herself in a past email exchange between her and I--but apparently she has a much higher tolerance for mistreatment than I do. Getting seriously involved with a guy you know isn't available, putting up with it for years and agreeing to be second best, taking him back after repeated cheating (she has been aware of his peccadilloes, unlike myself), and STILL wanting him in your life after he has chosen his wife, however hedgingly you think he did so. I think for her to completely give up on this relationship, she will have a lot of hard truths to face about how wrong she was in him and them, and how much time she wasted (ages 21-25 for her).

I may eventually find myself in a similar spot, but not nearly the same.

[This message edited by incrisis at 1:17 AM, April 16th (Monday)]


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think the OW is a bunny boiler,

Oh my...darn near peed my pants and spit coffee all over my keyboard. I've never heard that before. I gotta tell that one to a few friends today.

Vodka: Try Smirnoff. I find it's the best. I was never a big drinker either but have a drink or two before bed and it really helps me sleep.

I know my FWH told the OW from his ONS it was NC but she still tried. Thank god he didn't reply, or so he says. I don't really believe it.

Getting seriously involved with a guy you know isn't available, putting up with it for years and agreeing to be second best, taking him back after repeated cheating (she has been aware of his peccadilloes, unlike myself), and STILL wanting him in your life after he has chosen his wife,

This kind of stuff just makes me wonder if it's not somewhat out of competition, with a healthy side of insecurities on the OWs part, a bit of dillusion, low standards and no personality. I know it makes me wonder what is so reinforcing or flattering about some broken and messed up soul not being able to go NC.

I agree she is going to have alot of work to do on herself when reality comes storming in someday.

I'm so happy I met you (and others in this thread). You've given me a couple of good chuckles. Oh man did I need that this morning.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO women are naturally competitive with each other. Some men may or may not realize it but a woman determines if a relationship happens with a man.

I have heard over the years what women have said about each other and I would normally just laugh. Now it sickens me.

Here are a few:

She thinks she's cute. I am going to f--- her man and see how she likes it.

She thinks her H loves her more then mine. We'll see (because I am going to f--- her H emotionally and or physically) and I am going to smile in her face.

She thinks she has such a great life. I can take that from her.

IMHO men are pawns in this game. They think they are the seducer and then turn around and become seduced.

[This message edited by letting_go at 7:38 AM, April 16th (Monday)]


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have a difficult time with the fact that I want our time together to be good. So, do I bring up something that has been bugging me and risk getting into a fight on his home days? Do I stuff it all down and hope it passes?

Totally get this.

Also, about moving: In our case, if we lived in the same state, we'd still be apart, but it wouldn't be to the extent that it is now. His job IS traveling, basically...

Geez, is it to early to have a drink?

Now, I know we are of one mind!

[This message edited by punky at 12:53 PM, April 16th (Monday)]


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else here get mad that we are even deprived of making the threat of "leaving" them? We can't leave them when they're not fucking here. I always catch myself saying "leave" when really all I can do is file. He's the one that leaves all the time.

incrisis--we are ALL reading each other's minds! This is getting pretty freaky.


Step 1: It is time for me to enforce that baseline for not filing that you set, punky. Only took me almost 6 months, though I did think it was more or less in place already. How did your H institute NC? Did you get to see/hear it, or have some other "proof" that it occurred? Was there a clear and final end to the A relationship or did he just stop contacting her?

Yes, you have to do the step 1. I avoided it for so long. I took him at his word that he hadn't "seen" her. There came a point where I had to draw the proverbial line in the sand. I, too, got to a point that was "beyond my self-respect threshold"--boy, I like that phrase!

I think we all make a lot of the same mistakes. Assuming everything was over was the biggest I made.

He and I did an NC letter that we dropped off at the post office together. He was surprised that I had her work and personal addresses, but I didn't divulge my methods!

We fought over the wording of the letter. In the end, it was SHORT--only about three sentences. Of course, at this point, I really don't know if it is NC or if they are both laughing at me behind my back and saying "what a loser to be placated by a letter!"

Step 2: If NC is not enacted, then proceed with working out settlement agreement, go NC with him except regarding kids or settlement discussion, and file D when ready. Do NOT entertain any R or M talk. Do NOT make "family" plans re: vacation, relocation, etc. and stop all discussion of such NOW.

Yep, don't let him be a cake eater.

Sounds like you've given it some thought! Now put your plan in action!
P


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been almost impossible to make any plans that way, always having to tell the kids, well, I don't know if we should commit to that

God, I hate this, too...


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H usually agrees or does what's needed, but not without some stress and argument, and then goes along just well enough to keep me from screaming but not well enough so that I can truly feel good about it. Is anyone else's H like this?

Incrisis--I am wondering if maybe we are the same people in a parallel universe or something???

Everything you (and pretty much everyone else on this particular LDM thing...) say literally has been a thought in my own noggin...


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H usually agrees or does what's needed, but not without some stress and argument, and then goes along just well enough to keep me from screaming but not well enough so that I can truly feel good about it. Is anyone else's H like this?

I think it would be easier to get the ones that AREN'T to raise their hands instead!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I called H and told him there had to be real NC. Asked for either the 3-way call or him to copy me on an email. He agreed to call, but not with me on the line.

This is where I would have done things differently (I guess I DID do them differently). I emailed my "boundary"/ultimatum and told him exactly how I wanted it OR I would file. PERIOD. I didn't let him waffle or do it "his way"--that's what has allowed this SHIT to go on five fucking months past D-day. Incrisis--don't let him do this to you!!!

he will handle it his way, and he doesn't know if us is going to work out.

My husband keeps saying this, too. Yeah, well I DON'T KNOW either but...

we can guarantee that "us" won't work so long as there are more than 2 people in our M.

So obvious--but escapes alot of wandering minds it appears!

He also told her that they "shouldn't really" be texting back and forth anymore, so that's that. And he calls this an NC call.

Our letter said no contact whatsoever... Once again, being half a country away from each other, who knows? I am seeing little changes in his attitude that might indicate he is "with me" and "me only"--nothing major but hints.

[This message edited by punky at 12:55 PM, April 16th (Monday)]


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Punky is right, there can't be any wiggle room with the NC issue, that's not a negotiable item. Unfortunately what you can do when he's trying to keep running the ship after demonstrating his way of doing that is run it aground is your struggle & a horribly painful one. Your WS is still obviously "foggy" so he is still clinging to trying to minimize the impact of his crappy choices which he equally obviously isn't even appropriately acknowledging are just plain WRONG. But you didn't sign up for a marriage to a H that's holding auditions for your replacement, nor would he want to be treated that way.

Do you think perhaps instead of the "You can NEVER have contact with that woman again" approach, it might help to say "Why don't you commit to NC for the next 30 days to give us a chance to sort some things out? Only you & I got into this marriage so only you & I should be involved in what we decide to do at this point, I think our marriage deserves at least that commitment from you as do I. Can I have your agreement to absolutely no contact with her & letting me know if she contacts you for the next 30 days so just you & I can sort thru things together for now?"

My heart really goes out to you, I know how much it would hurt me if WS had tried to keep a friendship with OW, tho to tell you the truth, I don't know if he has or not...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else here get mad that we are even deprived of making the threat of "leaving" them? We can't leave them when they're not fucking here. I always catch myself saying "leave" when really all I can do is file. He's the one that leaves all the time.

When all this crap started, I told my hubby I wouldn't be the one leaving but it would be him that would no longer have a home to come back to. I know he is fearful of that. He sometimes wonders where my head is at and if I've changed my mind since his last days off.

This is just way freaky how we all think alot alike. It's like sitting around with girlfriends and saying 'oh I know exactly what you mean...'


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my hubby I wouldn't be the one leaving but it would be him that would no longer have a home to come back to. I know he is fearful of that.

Yeah, my H had a dream (he called it a nightmare!) where he came home and his side of the closet was empty!

Go figure.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
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