I discovered my H's A through cell phone bills and since then my life has been a freaking vomit inducing roller coaster. Every time I think I'm doing okay, something triggers me and I go back to almost square one. Freaking pathetic this A stuff is. Cruel really.
I've done the same - looked back and wondered how I made it so long without losing my mind. I have no idea how I did it, outside of the best best friend in the world.
This last and most serious A was with a woman 10 years younger than me. Now, every time I look in the mirror, that is all I can think about. It really bothers me. It is very, very hard on my self-esteem. Anyone else struggle with this?
Every day! My OW is 22 years younger than me and 26 years younger than my H...AND he has often said that the PA with her was a "real boost to his ego" because of her young age.
AND on top of that, her "girls" are way bigger than mine...saggy, but bigger, and my H is a boob man.
I try not to make comparisons, because when I do, I usually come up way short, but it's so hard not to think that way, and I do feel I'm the consolation prize...that it's easier for him to stay with me than to go through another D.
My H is trying, but with his history of strokes, he is often emotionally unavailable to me, he isn't able to remember a lot of things about the A, which leaves me hanging on a lot of questions.
Like all of us here, I've only wanted to feel special to my H...now I feel like I'm no different than just any other woman, I feel so disposable. The mental images are still so strong and at times seem to have more of an impact than even when I first found out.
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
I could join the Depression thread...
the Infidelity while Ill thread...
The Sexually Abused thread...
The Multiple Affairs thread...
The Spouse works with AP thread...
The Double betrayal thread...
probably the Sex Addicts thread...
and most definitely the Depression thread!
WHEW! That IS depressing!
I like the looks of this place though, so if it's okay, I think I'll pull up a chair.
Here's my story...
H and I were married very young--I was 17, he was 18.
We both come from families with two alcoholic parents.
Both of us were abused.
H was terribly neglected also.
His parents divorced (because of cheating and domestic violence) when H was 10.
His mom died when he was 15.
We each had so much baggage that it's a miracle that we could function at all.
H started cheating about three years into the M, but I didn't find out until years later--after we had three children.
(I never caught him red-handed--always found out long after the fact)
When he started confessing, about 10 years into the M, he confessed to ONE ONS. Within the next few years, we had another child and H confessed to many more ONSs and short term As.
We spent over a year in counseling. H made huge changes. I thought we were recovering pretty well.
Fast forward another 10 years and he did it again--a midlife crisis affair with a younger woman at work.
The OW was 12 years younger than my H and 12 years older than our oldest son.
She had a thing with our son too.
Our son didn't know about OW and his dad, but H knew about OW and son, and it didn't matter to him--he wanted her that badly.
I knew this time (a gut feeling--no concrete proof), but H wouldn't admit it.
He lied about it for five years before he finally started talking.
We are five years past this last D-day (there have been little d-days, working out details and clearing up all of the lies he told)
We are fairly well reconciled, though things about all of it still eat at me.
I have never told my entire story here before, but this place feels safe.
H and I have been through almost everything.
Maybe I can help someone else.
anyways, thanks for listening...thanks for being a safe place.
No, we haven't tried alanon, but while we were in counseling years ago, we did attend some ACAP (adult children of alcoholic parent) meetings.
They helped us tremendously.
Before that, we had both felt so isolated I think. Attending those meetings and hearing others tell their stories was like having someone open up the pages to our own stories. It probably did us as much good as the year of counseling.
We have come a long, long way.
I know that people read MY story and wonder why in this world would I stay with such a man.
The thing is, he is not a monster. He is a wonderful father...a great companion...a hard worker and good provider...he makes me laugh and I truely believe that we really do love one another.
He was broken inside.
I was too.
Even five years post D-day, I can't say that we are fully healed, but we ARe healing.
It has taken lots of time and lots of work.
There are (still) days when I want to strangle him and (still) days when I die inside, but all in all we are getting better.
Maybe we will always be a work in progress.
[This message edited by SuzyCC at 1:58 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]
R is going okay, H is remorseful but lately very depressed over all that's been ruined, so that's hard. And I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of being the "logical choice" afte d-day, feeling like a consolation prize, and feeling old (she's 15 years younger). This wasn't my idea of how a M should be, when going towards retirement age!
Maybe what I need is another drink...can't hurt.
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)
BH/WH - 51
FWW/BW - 54
Who knew men would actually TALK. Its like trying to turn water into wine to get my H to open up.
How could I have lived with a liar and not known...
how is your son holding up?
I dont know about you, but this whole A business just makes me want to Barf.
Why does life have to be so dang ugly sometimes.
I sometimes wish I had rose colored glasses for life....
My H is only 33 right now...I'm really worried about midlife crisis and him having another A.
That would devastate me.
If you want the in depth version, go to my profile, but here are some highlights...
FWH had sex with a girl he met at one of his stops...He was 50 at the time, she was 38, I was 43. Most of the damage was done after D-day...he continued seeing her for 3 weeks, was telling her he loved her, and continued working for this comapny for 10 months, (refused to even look for another job) His excuse for continuing to see her was he was looking for a way out...He had already called her the night he came home and told her, He was at home, it was over, and we were working it out!!!! For me the way out was already estabished, HE was Married, and it should have never happened to begin with, but that wasn't good enough for him. Months later he admitted that
"I just couldn't let her go"
After months of him being defensive and arrogant at some points, and then being reassuring and compassionate at others, he finally had to quit that job, and I think that was the turning point for us. We are now in MC, and he is doing most all the right things, and is very understanding for the most part. Some things I can't seem to get past, but I don't discuss them with him, Yet, I don't want to tear down what we have built to this point.
In my tag line you will see that this was actually the 4th woman he had been with, but I don't even consider the other 3, This one had the potential to destroy us both though. There is a story behind the other 3, and I've come to terms with them, and have moved on. But with this one, I'm having a lot more difficult time.
Married age 18
been married 18 years
Found out about his PA 1/14/2007 said it was only twice but that was enough she was pregnant. Ow works in one of the building he has to go to every other day. Cant change that. She got rid of the baby on my 18 year wedding anniversary (aint that special)
My husband says he had his A because I gained weight and he did not find me attractive ASSHOLE Feeling like crap half the time and then the other half I could rule the world. Iam better then both of them we all are better then our WS.
HUGS to everyone in here I wish I could make all the hurt go away for everyone but we can always be here for each other.
On top of everything else I have to think about my 16 just got her license fun fun. Anyone have any advice on that one?
does your H ever leave semen stains in his undies?
I currently found 2 in his laundry basket...w/stains. Not a lot..but enough.
Pre-A I never really noticed or looked before, but they always seemed to be stain free.
I'm triggering badly about this and there are other things, his actions this week for one, which are making me wonder if he is up to something again.
oh, and the semen wouldnt be from US having sex...he hasnt touched me for 3 months now.
I'm due w/our son in 10days.
thoughts? Should I assume he is no longer an X WH?
[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 3:26 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]
My FWH has never left semen stains in his underwear.
Seeing as it's not from sex with you, could it be from masturbation? I hope so for your sake.
Both giving our best to R.