XWH died Dec. 2010
The OW had harrassed me till I told my H if he didn't do anything about it I will. He told me to ignore her, but I will not tolerate what she was doing. So, I went to the police station. I know couple of cops. They did me a favor. Haven't heard from her since. It's been nice.
Fast forward to now.... and I'm depressed. My H is insensitive and every now and then not remorseful. I'm beginning to think that the only reason why I am with him is: I have a roof over my head, extra income, the sex is good and convienent and that's just what it is....sex. It's not love making anymore. Does this happen to anyone?, and he is my daughters father and he is good to her now. I could not ruin that for her.
I was planning on writing my H this letter that I seen posted on the R forum about me being in his shoes and him in mine to see if that would help. But right now, he thinks I'm cheating or will cheat. I remind him all the time that I know what are vows stand for... I'm not heartless, I'm not insensitive, I know other people have feelings and who I will hurt and the one person that I'm really concerned about hurting is my daughter and not him. I could care less if I hurt his feelings anymore. I guess I am insensitive. Anyways, I don't know about the letter thing. I'm doing a rough draft right now.
We don't talk about it and I'm having a hard time with that. I've also notice that he flirts with my girl friends in front of me and I have told him about this but he just shrugs it off.
I wish there was someone who could talk to him and put him in his place or make him wake up, but there isn't.
We have tried MC and IC and I put more effort in to that then he did. He doesn't meet me half way at all. I feel like I"m doing all the work and just beating my head against the wall. I'm to the point that I want to take pills and go to sleep and never wake up. But then I think of our daughter. My H told me that suck as a mother anyways so maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.
They say marriages are made in heaven.But so is thunder and lightning.
I know what you mean, totally. H is being a better father and husband than he ever was before. I have someone to help with the bills, to eat with, to have sex with (and no it's not ML either).
I too thought that nothing I did was good enough, despite being the one doing all the MC and IC and homework and reading, etc. Up until this past summer, (when I started my meds) I thought about taking myself out of the picture alot.
He knows you're not a terrible mother, he's just saying things to get to you because you have so much to "use" against him. And there is no one who's going to make him "get it". He has to want to. The letter, I've done that. It hits him at the moment he's hearing it, but then he buries those feelings quickly. And forgets what I tried to say. All he remembers about it is that I want to cheat on him. Not even close to the sentiment intended.
I'm going to recommend something here. I've tried it and sometimes it works. Stop trying. Stop reading, stop worrying about what he's thinking or doing. If you want to call it the 180, fine. I have modified it so much it doesn't even resemble the list posted on this site.
Think about getting IC back on line for you, don't worry if he does or not. If you feel you're losing a connection with your daughter, plan a special outing with her (alone) take advantage of the last of the nice weather. I went through this stage with my IC and we're just fine mothers, not perfect, but you keep her first in your plans, you won't hurt yourself or break up her home because of her. That's good mothering.
Stop pointing out his bad behaviors (flirting), just walk away when he does it. If he's not getting a rise out of you, I bet he'll stop or at least slow it down. You need to spend some time thinking and caring about yourself. ok?
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Anyhow, I am a BS that is currently suffering from the effects of gaslighting.
I most definitely know something is wrong, and yet, I have not been able to gather the evidence necessary to pin his ass to the wall. After accidentally discovering H talking on cell phone while driving and his subsequent denial that he was talking at all, I know without a doubt something is wrong.
I am now in the process of gathering as much info as I can about the circumstances. At this time, I can honestly say that if I get hard evidence he is cheating on me with someone, I will not want to stay in the M. Of course it's one thing to say it and another to actually leave but for now that's how I feel.
To top it all off, in the last month we had discussed and moved ahead with plans to have another child. This necessitated a reverse vasectomy. H happily researched the surgeon, decided on one, submitted the paperwork and plans are set for the surgery to take place a few months from now. This is the most mind boggling part of everything to me. Why on Earth would he want another child if he is already fucking around on me?
I guess I'll probably never know. In the meantime, I'm busy gathering as much information as I can to protect myself and my family. I have a funny feeling I am in for alot worse but it is absolutely necessary for me to know the truth about what's going on.
I'm so happy to have found a place where that's not everyone's immediate reaction (and also glad D is away tonight and WH is working, so no one can see me getting blubbery!)
I really don't understand why he wouldn't want to have a full weekend with her. He is being very resistent with having her for a full weekend and being very adament about the weekdays.
I thought he would like to have a full weekend with her every other weekend, and then I thought he would be happy with having time within the two weeks to get together as well.
I am not keeping her from him in the least but I do think that weekday visits need to be at a better time rather than while she is supposed to be sleeping.
Am I crazy, am I being mean or does this really sound like I am keeping her from him.
I never ever have, I have always been flexible, and I've always tried to work out a schedule with him that works for the both of us.
But now that I do not think this schedule is working as well, he refuses to work with me.
And I just can't believe he wants to go get a lawyer for this.
He doesn't even have a bedroom for her, she sleeps in his room, he lives with his mom.
He tried to cut her off of health insurance recently, and he picks her up late, and drops her off early all the time.
I want a regular structured schedule for her as close to it as I can get that would accent a normal family lifestyle. I don't want her running back and forth between houses during the week. I think that is crazy. And if he wanted to keep it together enough to work with me when she was six months old that would have been different.
He has only just started to fight me on things.
What are your thoughts, I just want to see what other visitations are set up, and how others work through these situations.
Thank you for reading.
I hate that we are here but rateful that there is a place to go to. So many of you say things that help me to understand that you understand.
The betrayed men forum, wow, now I am not better than anyone but I wish my H could honestly step back and see that I have not done him like some of those men.
The issue of sex. Well, my H likes to play that he's so cool but he's sensitive as hell. Today, he's "feels" OK with me. I love him but that does not have as much bearing as it used to have. We have issues with multiple affairs, a lot of secrecy. To be honest, we both lacked integrity. I tried to bottle a lot in and I would blow up. He, well, would get his groove on. I'm not sure I'm the right woman for him. Well, I digress.
In my opinion, I have sex with my H, we have not made love in a long time. I know the difference. I wish we were on the same page as far as R from the A but we are not and I have to be OK with that. I can only control ME and I have to make the choices that are the best for me even if it means that my H and I find happiness without remaining M.
The best to you all,
It's so damn tiring to find a suitable sexual mate.
Thats the reason I find it so difficult to understand his ONS and A.