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User Topic: Betrayed Women
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Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just happy to have this forum to vent to. I can't believe my life has gone to a "Jerry Springer meets Maury Povitch" episode. If it weren't for the pregnancy drama, our R would really be going well. Right now, it's all one day at a time, though the OW would be shocked to know that this has brought us closer, and more unified than ever.

Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
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Member # 15476
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had sex with him!! Has anyone gone back to just having sex with their spouse?? I feel like an idiot. We did it this weekend and I want to keep doing it even after what he has done. I don't even think its him its just sex in general. I'm not one to go out to a club and pick someone up. He is convenient and has already seen me naked. I have been waiting for his return from Japan for 6 months so I was really ready before I found out what he did. I still hate him but, since I started working out alot my libido has gone crazy. Is this normal???

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
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Member # 15476
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After talking with my H, he states that he slept with the whores because he would ask them to do things that he would not ask me to do sexually. He was watching alot of porn because I would only have sex with him every couple of weeks. ANd he wanted to do some of the stuff he saw and thought it was too dirty to ask me to do. I finally got him to tell me some of those things and wouldn't you know it, I would have done most of them. After I came back to the states and left him in Asia where all the sex you want is right there in your face. How much of this can I take the blame for? For not being open with him (no pun intended) about sex.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
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Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hatehisguts, you know it has nothing to do with you sexually. That's him trying to project his own guilt on you, looking for some tiny reasons to lay blame on you. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
And by the way, sex can just be sex, and you're a normal, healthy woman with your own needs. As crazy as it sounds, my H and I had sex the night of the revelation and the start of the reconciliation. It just felt like a natural progression (long story). I say to heck with what's supposed to be "normal", and go with what you feel to be right.

Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
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Member # 14352
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay I may be way off but I don't know where else to say this.
Ever since H had a ONS, of course I feel cheated but okay this is the weird part ...I feel like the only way I can get over this is if I go out and have a ONS? I know two wrongs don't make a right but I can't stop thinking about what H did to me and it is driving me crazy.
I'm always at home while he's out of town working and the only time I go out is with him. I'm getting this urge to just go out and have one night of meaningless sex. I have felt this way since it happened. I'm trying so hard to get over this but I just feel like if I do this that it might help me forget what H did.
I want to talk to him about this but am so afraid to so can someone help me I crazy?

me(BS) 30
him(WH) 36
5 girls: 2 prev.relationships(mine)
3 youngest ones 2.5, 21 months, & 4 months old (his)
married: this is our 5th yr
together: 8 yrs
D-Day: Apr. 15/07
D-Day 2: Oct. 21/08

Posts: 57 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Canada
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Member # 15291
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is that you would probably just feel bad afterward. My suggestion, and I am no expert is to just go out and have a good time without the H. Just get out of the house and go have some drinks, if you drink. Maybe just getting out with friends will help.

M-21 years, together 24
D-Day 4/9/07
1 D - 10 y/o
Divorced January 08

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: STL
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Member # 10174
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BW. I didn't even know this was here. It's been 2 years going on 3 yrs since I found out. H had an affair with a coworker. He no longer works there. Thank the Lord! He was fired which is fine by me. He has a new job that pays better and the HR person is good friends with us now. We told this person the situation and the person told me that if the OW would ever apply the person would just shred her application. They don't need that kind of drama. So the person put my H in a building where they can't even hire woman because they build industrial fans and those suckers are heavy!!! So that does put me at ease.

The OW had harrassed me till I told my H if he didn't do anything about it I will. He told me to ignore her, but I will not tolerate what she was doing. So, I went to the police station. I know couple of cops. They did me a favor. Haven't heard from her since. It's been nice.

Fast forward to now.... and I'm depressed. My H is insensitive and every now and then not remorseful. I'm beginning to think that the only reason why I am with him is: I have a roof over my head, extra income, the sex is good and convienent and that's just what it It's not love making anymore. Does this happen to anyone?, and he is my daughters father and he is good to her now. I could not ruin that for her.

I was planning on writing my H this letter that I seen posted on the R forum about me being in his shoes and him in mine to see if that would help. But right now, he thinks I'm cheating or will cheat. I remind him all the time that I know what are vows stand for... I'm not heartless, I'm not insensitive, I know other people have feelings and who I will hurt and the one person that I'm really concerned about hurting is my daughter and not him. I could care less if I hurt his feelings anymore. I guess I am insensitive. Anyways, I don't know about the letter thing. I'm doing a rough draft right now.

We don't talk about it and I'm having a hard time with that. I've also notice that he flirts with my girl friends in front of me and I have told him about this but he just shrugs it off.

I wish there was someone who could talk to him and put him in his place or make him wake up, but there isn't.

We have tried MC and IC and I put more effort in to that then he did. He doesn't meet me half way at all. I feel like I"m doing all the work and just beating my head against the wall. I'm to the point that I want to take pills and go to sleep and never wake up. But then I think of our daughter. My H told me that suck as a mother anyways so maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Me: FBS 2005/ WS 2013
H: WS 2005 / poss WS 2013-14
Daughters: 13 & 5

Found out: Oct 2 2005

They say marriages are made in heaven.But so is thunder and lightning.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 15th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kryvan, I don't usually come in here, I have so many other forums where I fit, but seeing that you're also over 2 years out and struggling touched me.

I know what you mean, totally. H is being a better father and husband than he ever was before. I have someone to help with the bills, to eat with, to have sex with (and no it's not ML either).

I too thought that nothing I did was good enough, despite being the one doing all the MC and IC and homework and reading, etc. Up until this past summer, (when I started my meds) I thought about taking myself out of the picture alot.

He knows you're not a terrible mother, he's just saying things to get to you because you have so much to "use" against him. And there is no one who's going to make him "get it". He has to want to. The letter, I've done that. It hits him at the moment he's hearing it, but then he buries those feelings quickly. And forgets what I tried to say. All he remembers about it is that I want to cheat on him. Not even close to the sentiment intended.

I'm going to recommend something here. I've tried it and sometimes it works. Stop trying. Stop reading, stop worrying about what he's thinking or doing. If you want to call it the 180, fine. I have modified it so much it doesn't even resemble the list posted on this site.

Think about getting IC back on line for you, don't worry if he does or not. If you feel you're losing a connection with your daughter, plan a special outing with her (alone) take advantage of the last of the nice weather. I went through this stage with my IC and we're just fine mothers, not perfect, but you keep her first in your plans, you won't hurt yourself or break up her home because of her. That's good mothering.

Stop pointing out his bad behaviors (flirting), just walk away when he does it. If he's not getting a rise out of you, I bet he'll stop or at least slow it down. You need to spend some time thinking and caring about yourself. ok?

Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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Member # 14289
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven’t been on here in a while. Things have been so hectic but I decided it was time. Things have been so much better since the last time I was on here. The last time I posted I had just caught my husband with another woman 8 weeks after we got married. It came out of the blue and I wasn’t expecting it. I thought since he married me I shouldn’t be worried if he was running around on me. Boy was I wrong. Well since that time, I have cut all ties with him. The only time there is any conversation is if I text him about something with the divorce. He is still with the other woman and they moved in together not long after I caught them. They tried to hide it from me but I found out. We live in a small town so news like this travels very fast. I have also moved into what was the house we were building. He had signed everything over to me before I confronted him. He thought I didn’t know anything about her when in reality I knew the whole time but didn’t say anything until he gave me what I needed to finish the house. So basically his continence ate him alive…or at least that is what I tell myself. Sometimes I think he doesn’t have a continence…otherwise how could he do what he did. But anyway, the reason I am writing is because I have depositions next Monday and then the divorce goes through and to be honest I am very nervous. I do not want to be with my husband but sometimes I really miss what I thought I had. Even though I know I am better off without him I am still dreading the end. Has anyone else felt that way? He treated me like a piece of trash and yet I still wish things had ended differently. The new woman flaunts it in my face every chance she gets and that makes it harder because I don’t understand why he feels that it is ok to treat me that way. I was never mean to him and I did everything I could to make my marriage work. On another note, I have started dating again and I have met a really nice man. He treats me really good and I could see it being serious one day but I don’t know how I would ever be able to fully be with him or anyone else for that matter until I let go of my feelings for my husband. Please help…I need some advice!

BS: 25
FWS: 25
Dated 8.5 years; Married 13 weeks
DDay: 03/10/2007

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2007
Member # 16789
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I just wanted to share a bit of my story. I see I am new here but definitely not alone. What a cruel irony that I have to go online to discuss with strangers the most intimate and raw parts of my life.

Anyhow, I am a BS that is currently suffering from the effects of gaslighting.

I most definitely know something is wrong, and yet, I have not been able to gather the evidence necessary to pin his ass to the wall. After accidentally discovering H talking on cell phone while driving and his subsequent denial that he was talking at all, I know without a doubt something is wrong.

I am now in the process of gathering as much info as I can about the circumstances. At this time, I can honestly say that if I get hard evidence he is cheating on me with someone, I will not want to stay in the M. Of course it's one thing to say it and another to actually leave but for now that's how I feel.

To top it all off, in the last month we had discussed and moved ahead with plans to have another child. This necessitated a reverse vasectomy. H happily researched the surgeon, decided on one, submitted the paperwork and plans are set for the surgery to take place a few months from now. This is the most mind boggling part of everything to me. Why on Earth would he want another child if he is already fucking around on me?

I guess I'll probably never know. In the meantime, I'm busy gathering as much information as I can to protect myself and my family. I have a funny feeling I am in for alot worse but it is absolutely necessary for me to know the truth about what's going on.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Oct 2007
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Member # 16876
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I know is that I am sitting here in tears - good tears, I think, cleansing ones. I am so glad to have been directed to this site. I have so much support IRL that I am grateful for, but everyone seems to know what is best for me to do, right down to my brother asking me when I was going to start dating again (while he knows WH and I are going to counseling).

I'm so happy to have found a place where that's not everyone's immediate reaction (and also glad D is away tonight and WH is working, so no one can see me getting blubbery!)

Posts: 178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: PA
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Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, November 3rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here, I really wish I wasn't, but we all wish that don't we?

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26032 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
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Member # 11671
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 8th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG...out of curiosity, I scrolled through the "betrayed men" forum! Can you believe how many posts are there?! And they accuse women of talking and gossiping too much
Compared to them, this board looks positively silent.
Oh well, maybe we just hang out in LTA more...

Me-BW, young 51 (mtn biker, skiboarder); FWH-48, 14+ yr EA(?)
Married-19 yrs; Kids-all 4-legged
DDay-2/21/06; And the lies just kept coming; Last (known) D-Day 04/07
Status-He's really trying. I have to accept that he's human, not perfect.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mid-Amer.
♀ Member
Member # 5820
Question  Posted: 11:53 PM, November 12th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok ladies...need some advice here. It has been a long time since I have been on this site, but alas, I am back. In a nutshell,(if I can fit it into one), I am not one of the lucky ones that reconciled their relationship. Here is my has been 19 months since I ended my engagement after being with the dick for 6+ years. His children, all adults, with the oldest one being 30 has not given up hope that we will reconcile. He is still involved with the woman that
helped end our engagement (I don't blame her--she is just the next victim down the line). His children still stay in touch with me---they want me in their lives, and they don't want to have a relationship with this new woman in their fathers life.
Here is my dilema: I want to move on with my life, but staying in touch with his children make it harder, and if I tell them that we shouldn't stay in touch anymore then I'm going to go thru another loss and heartbreak, and I think it will be devastating to at least one of them. (Their own mother is a severe alcoholic, and never had much of a relationship with her.) They still consider me their "step-mom" to a degree. I am so torn as to what to do. Any thoughts? Feel free to ask me any questions if it helps you form an opinion or to offer advice.

If the grass looks greener on the other side, its probably because you're not watering your own enough.
"What goes around, comes around"
"Your actions are speaking so loudly, I can't hear a word you are saying."
BSO: 53
WSO: 50

Posts: 283 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going through some visitation changes with XH.
We are not on the same page with how things should be and although we have joint legal custody, I have primary physical and he has visitation rights as agreed upon by both parties.
What I was trying to work out with him was to change visitation to every other weekend Friday through Sunday and a mid week get together as well.
Currently his time with her is every other weekend Friday to Saturday and then also EO Monday and Thursday night for two hours.
Which recently has become an issue because of a change in my Daughters sleeping routine.
She is only 2 years old and during the summer it was not a big deal to have her out until 8 but now it is becoming an issue because she is up all hours of the night not wanting to sleep alone.
I've been starting her sleep routine at 7 and want her in bed and relaxing no later than 8.
What I figured out was that it would be easier for all involved if he added an extra day to his already scheduled weekends, and alter the weekday visit to either a dinner together and have her home earlier, or seeing her for a few hours over the weekend he does not have her.
He completely refuses and will not discuss this new schedule with me at all.
He feels that I am keeping her from him, and he is calling a lawyer.
He keeps threatening me with this, saying he has nothing left to lose.
I want him to understand that she does need down time at night and after getting home from day care, running out the door with him and then going right to bed it is difficult to get her to sleep before 10 at night.
I work with her to sleep by herself, but with him she sleeps in the same room with him when she is with him and it is starting to cause a real problem at home all of a sudden.
She went on a four day vacation with him and when she came back she no longer would sleep in her crib, and she would wake up repeatedly throughout the night crying hysterically.
This was not the case prior to this vacation, when we were not having any sleep issues at all.
I am not sure whether I am being unreasonable, because I really don't think that I am.
i am thinking of her best interests and want to be consistent with her especially with bed time.
He does not see it this way at all. He thinks I am keeping her from him.
He says that he can not go that long without seeing her, and that he wants to be apart of her night routine too through the week.
He says that he will not give up any time.
Which I will tell you, what I am trying to do gives him a lot more time than what he already has.
He didn't want the nights before now, all of a sudden he is making a very big issue out of this, and it seems he is upset with me because I am in more control with her than he is.

I really don't understand why he wouldn't want to have a full weekend with her. He is being very resistent with having her for a full weekend and being very adament about the weekdays.
I thought he would like to have a full weekend with her every other weekend, and then I thought he would be happy with having time within the two weeks to get together as well.
I am not keeping her from him in the least but I do think that weekday visits need to be at a better time rather than while she is supposed to be sleeping.
Am I crazy, am I being mean or does this really sound like I am keeping her from him.
I never ever have, I have always been flexible, and I've always tried to work out a schedule with him that works for the both of us.
But now that I do not think this schedule is working as well, he refuses to work with me.
And I just can't believe he wants to go get a lawyer for this.
He doesn't even have a bedroom for her, she sleeps in his room, he lives with his mom.
He tried to cut her off of health insurance recently, and he picks her up late, and drops her off early all the time.
I want a regular structured schedule for her as close to it as I can get that would accent a normal family lifestyle. I don't want her running back and forth between houses during the week. I think that is crazy. And if he wanted to keep it together enough to work with me when she was six months old that would have been different.
He has only just started to fight me on things.
What are your thoughts, I just want to see what other visitations are set up, and how others work through these situations.
Thank you for reading.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
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Member # 17707
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will keep you in my prayers momtokadi. I would not wish that kind of stress on anyone we all want whats best for our children even when they are being used to cause us pain..stay strong and know that we are here for you and you are never alone...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Member # 17044
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sucks!

I hate that we are here but rateful that there is a place to go to. So many of you say things that help me to understand that you understand.

The betrayed men forum, wow, now I am not better than anyone but I wish my H could honestly step back and see that I have not done him like some of those men.

The issue of sex. Well, my H likes to play that he's so cool but he's sensitive as hell. Today, he's "feels" OK with me. I love him but that does not have as much bearing as it used to have. We have issues with multiple affairs, a lot of secrecy. To be honest, we both lacked integrity. I tried to bottle a lot in and I would blow up. He, well, would get his groove on. I'm not sure I'm the right woman for him. Well, I digress.

In my opinion, I have sex with my H, we have not made love in a long time. I know the difference. I wish we were on the same page as far as R from the A but we are not and I have to be OK with that. I can only control ME and I have to make the choices that are the best for me even if it means that my H and I find happiness without remaining M.
The best to you all,

Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Tx
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Member # 17936
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love sex with my H. In a way I think that's one of the reason's I am still with him. We are both extremely sexual beings.

It's so damn tiring to find a suitable sexual mate.

Thats the reason I find it so difficult to understand his ONS and A.

Me - BW 33yrs
Him - WH 36 yrs
M - 10 years
Together - 12 years
I have an adorable 3 year old daughter.
D day 1 - July 2002
D day 2 - August 2003
D day 3 - Sept 2007
D day 4 - Dec 2007
Am tired. In R now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: India
♀ New Member
Member # 18013
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, Here I am too! Add me to the list......I wonder what the statistics are for infidelity and successful . . . . . Gonna have to go research that!

Mysti - 27
WS - 26
Kids d - 6, and s - 3
R- now!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 18078
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just am in shock, The OW is acting like she the victim she was married too...she does not have a clue and she mess with me all the time this is crazy

Posts: 59 | Registered: Feb 2008
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