Topic: Betrayed Women
Member # 19532
| Posted: 6:51 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008|
Should it still hurt this bad?
I am 6 months out, and some days it still hurts as much as it did when I first found out. The hurt doesn't go away for a long time. You are perfectly normal. This is a huge deal, not something you can just forget about in a month or two. It changes your entire life!
Did I make the right decision in staying with him?
Only you can answer this question. Do you still love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Are you both willing to do the necessary work to try and ensure that infidelity doesn't touch your marriage again? If you feel that staying is the right decision, then it is. There are a lot of us trying to stay and work things out. Keep posting, it helps to clear your head, and then you can make these decisions. We're all here for you!
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R
Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
Member # 20530
| Posted: 1:21 AM, July 23rd (Thursday), 2009|
Hi everyone, it will be 4 years out next month for me & I still hurt at times. Gets better though. You get to the point where you don't dwell on it every minute of every day. Most of the time now it feels like I'm on the outside looking in. Dosen't feel so personal these days. It's a long road, but it does get better. Hang in there everyone!
Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 24089
| Posted: 9:52 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009|
i seem to attract anyone and everyone who is unfaithful, friends, partners, exc. all my friends cheat on their SO whomever they may be at the time. and not only that but hook up with unfaithful people as well. i've never been unfaithful and never plan on being. but i also attract guys that cheat, whether they are single and they get OW while with me or if they make me the OW unknowingly. i can't stand it!
i've only had 1, yes only 1 relationship where i wasn't cheated on. but we broke up because his friends pressured him into leaving me to see how it'd work with another girl, BEFORE he married me. yes we were engaged (this OW had slept with all his friends, unbeknowst to him) needless to say it never worked and we never got back together.
but really what is my problem??? why do i attract these people? i don't want to replace my friends i love them, but why does that overflow into my guy situation???? do i just like broken people? is it an underlying need to "help" them? i'm going crazy. i'm tired of being cheated on and abused. i want something real. even if it ends for whatever reason besides infidelity or abuse i don't care!!!! at least there's one!!!! at least it's possible. i'm going crazy.....
nothing is ever truly impossible
Posts: 635 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
Member # 24902
| Posted: 10:36 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009|
Yes, I would definitely want to know, no matter the pain.
me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....
Posts: 1374 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
Member # 24753
| Posted: 11:13 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009|
I'm here checking in!!! It truly sucks that there are so many people here that have been affected by pinhead's and their selfish choices! Hugs to all of you!
"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."
Posts: 1525 | Registered: Jul 2009
♀ New Member
Member # 25201
| Posted: 5:08 PM, August 18th (Tuesday), 2009|
I'm here too. Just found out. No sleep, total shock mode. Here for now and kids sake. Taking the advice breathe in breathe out. All I can do right now. Don't have any great ideas but willing to listen. Hugs to all you BW's. This sucks royally.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 18915
| Posted: 2:57 PM, August 19th (Wednesday), 2009|
Okay ladies - I'm here too. Didn't know there was a thread for betrayed women.
So, can any of you tell me just how to "find time"?
I hear that often - "Find time for you."
I work (now), I have 5 kids, I have chores surrounding home and those 5 little ones...
Just where to you "find time"? There is none there, unless I miraculously add a 25th hour to the day.
I'm just struggling with the responsibility of it all...I was faithful and I still got screwed. SD has no issues "finding time"...as he hasn't even seen the five children in almost a year.
Part two to my question - If and when I do become magical and add that 25th hour to the day, what do I do with that "time"? I read as a hobby, my friends are almost all on the internet, bubble baths aren't really my thing - what do you do?
Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.
Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ New Member
Member # 25378
| Posted: 1:21 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009|
I'm here! I hate the hurt they he caused me and the fact that he lied to me and I think is continuing to lie. Is it to protect him or his ****? I think so bad of her...I want her to hurt as bad as I do!
I have fought the battle with cancer and this makes cancer look like a walk in the park! WTF!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAA!
Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2009
♀ New Member
Member # 25397
| Posted: 2:37 PM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009|
I'm having trouble with the R. My husband is trying very hard but the betrayal was so horrible that it's hard for me to trust him. It's the not knowing that is crazy making. If I could just know if he was going to screw this up. It's hard to just let time tell, it makes me feel vulnerable.
Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: DC
Member # 25363
| Posted: 7:19 PM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009|
feeling down, i got to wait months before i can go ahead and have him take polygraph, we have got many debts to clear/pay off....so the saving for test is on the backburner, i wish i could just get it over and done with so i can try get on with my life one way or another rather than live this way (no where land) for another second !!
god will it be worth it in the end ?
Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ New Member
Member # 25676
| Posted: 12:59 PM, October 4th (Sunday), 2009|
K BS's need some answers, has anyone hit, slaped, punched, kick, spit, thrown things, or anything that would be considered violent or could get them charged with assult to their WS in an emotional outburst, just wondering I feel like I'm alone in this
[This message edited by B_ro_K_en_33 at 1:07 PM, October 4th (Sunday)]
Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2009
♀ New Member
Member # 25873
| Posted: 12:31 PM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009|
It's 8 months out from D day and Well, I can't figure out why I still love the guy, but that is where I am at. He did an NC after the initial A and one FR. We were in counseling at the time I found out..I couldn't go to work today-work is a mess too. I'm so confused too. I have loved him for 30 years, then he hurts me the way no one else could.
He's seeing a shrink now and is on antidepressants and is actually acting more "normal" and trying to be a husband again. It so scares me though-is it real? I can't be hurt like that again. I also can't always just keep up the even keel thing-meltdowns happen and I had a really bad one last week. My doc wants me to let her know if I want antidepressants, and of all things, my WH's shrink thinks I need to see someone. I'm an absolute mess and just feel life life really sucks.
Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 23478
| Posted: 10:08 AM, October 28th (Wednesday), 2009|
I am a BS of 18 months and still having a very difficult time. Triggers are so bad this time of year for me. H started his OF with OW back in 04(?) - I found out 12/16/07. Emails got spicy around holidays so this with the holidays coming up I'm not doing well. H worked with OW but OW left in 3/09. No contact since 12/07. Trying to work things out but I'm the one having such a hard time. Last couple of weeks just am not happy and don't know what to do about it. Don't want to divorce but just now happy at all. So many triggers on tv, church, news, all over. I'm determined to hang in there but now I'm questioning what I'm hanging on to. Any suggestions, input or whatever? Not in counseling - just don't want to rehash my story to anyone - feel so betrayed, lost, angry, thought I forgave him but don't think I have. Married 40+ years, 3 kids, 6 grandkids. Thanks for listening - have a good day everyone and sorry we have to be here but thank God for SI.
Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12
Posts: 262 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 19477
| Posted: 11:20 AM, October 28th (Wednesday), 2009|
Hi There! My timeline is similar to yours and i am having a hard time also. Ddday was 17 months ago and R started 16 months ago. I too hate this time of year as H's A started "sometime mid-late november". It continued through april. dday 2 days after our 13th anniversary. So i hate all months in between. I am hoping this is just a stage that happens around year and half out. I just seem extra pissed an angry. Questioning myslef and my choice for R even though all is going well. Wondering how i would be now if i had sucked it up and just went on with my life without him. Andy hell yeah, the triggers are EVERYWHERE!! And on days when i am having a good one it creeps up all over tv and news. I am just hoping for one complete day where it doesnt enter my mind.
I sure wish i had some great advice for you, but mostly just letting you hear from someone with a similar timeline since dday and letting you know someone else feels the same!!
Encouraging thoughts sent your way!!
BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years
Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
Member # 25686
| Posted: 6:11 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009|
Talk about adding insult to injury. I've probably lost 15 pounds since d-day 5 weeks ago. Why did it all have to be from my boobs!! Ugh!
[This message edited by Illinoisgirl at 6:14 AM, November 1st (Sunday)]
Married 12 years, together 18
WH - Recovering alcoholic
Me - Recovering wife
3 great kids - 12, 10 & 8
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 25144
| Posted: 11:25 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009|
If your FWH really wants to get you a ring, YOU choose it, and if you choose a big one (that FWH can afford) and he balks, he is not being honest with you.
My FWH bought OW two chocolate bars, and a couple of flowers. I told him, "Then you owe me 200 chocolate bars!" He has bought me flowers 3 times (for the first time in our 19 year marraige) since the A. I like them, but I wish he wasn't trying to make up for the A, and it was an "original" idea.
I think I'm going to tell him that, now that I realize it.
Buying chocolate for OW was not original either. He used to buy me chocolate. He said he would have bought me flowers before, but he thought I'd be upset he spent the money, since I grow lots of flowers in my garden. (I think I did tell him that was why I didn't buy flowers.) At least he didn't go all out with OW, and only spent under $5 on her, although I'm beginning to doubt that. Flowers cost more than $5
FWH bought me a pretty bracelet when we got together the first time in R. It wasn't extravagant, but for my H, who has never bought me a piece of jewelry aside from my wedding ring, it was definitely a gesture of good will.
I quit wearing my W ring after his A. It had no meaning in my heart anymore. I told him I wanted a new one to represent his new committement. My first W r was just a band, and I chose an even narrower band after the A, but different color of metal. I really only want a ring to ward off men, but not because it actually means something special to me anymore. I chose a narrow band for two reasons: 1) easier to wear and keep clean 2) a ring really means little, if the person giving it to you doesn't keep the promise it represents.
I showed him a couple of "dinner rings" and a watch that I really liked and I figure that he can buy them for me in the future, if he ever loves me more than he loves himself. (edited to add grin)
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 11:27 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]
Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!
Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 26584
| Posted: 4:42 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010|
I am a BW ... never thought I would be ... I know none of us did but wtf ???
Anyway I am starting school in Feb for my LPN ... I am excited bout that ...
I am also excited to get on with my life ... get a new place after schoole decorate ect ...
I am not looking forward to dating again ... it was terrifying the 1st time around ... now there is so much more to deal with ...
I am also not looking forward to no longer being WH's wife ... I miss that a lot already ... I loved being married being a wife ...
while I was not perfect at it and our M had many faults it still was my greatest passion and I will miss it dearly ...
Not sure how much I am actually going to miss the WH though ... probably more than I think I will or will not ...
it is all still sinking in ... slowly I might add ... sometimes I think i it would be better if it all sank in right away then I could just deal with it and go on ...
but this slow trickle of realization is so painful ... I have thr truth about the A no TT there ... however WH is being very vague on where his future is going with the OW ... as they are still together ...
anyway some of my ups and downs here ... I have joined in on several threads and try to keep my profile current ... I welcome any and all responses or questions ect ...
Have a great one ladies ...
[This message edited by booger bear at 4:43 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]
I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.
Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Member # 26465
| Posted: 4:41 PM, January 11th (Monday), 2010|
I am here also!!
Oh I just want a new life I think... I am just tired of all this.. I didn't ask to be a BS. I really think I need to make changes. Just not quite sure what that answer is..
I am tired of not trusting him to hold my heart.
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
Posts: 3107 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 24720
| Posted: 3:48 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010|
Hello All, BW here.
So many things have happened, WH and I are in R and doing well as long as the A does not come up.
He has agreed to IC and looking for a new job, so we will see if he comes through for me! Now I just have to figure out how long I give him to start making the initiative!
Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!
Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Member # 26138
| Posted: 3:32 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010|
I've seen this posted by BW's so much but it is all that is in my head lately- I want my freakin' life and family back!I have been so incredibly sad lately. Feel I'm doing DS such an injustice. I mean I'm here physically but that's about it. My 'official' d-day was early January but going on 2 months out and I find each day harder than the next. Still can't get those 2 together out of my head. Please tell me it's the winter blahs adding to things. Thought I was doing good, keeping up w/180, even getting compliments from WH lately then bam it hits me! My H slept with a WHORE- not just once either. He took her to the Grand Ffing Canyon- a dream we dreamt 'together' forever and now it will NEVER come true for us! I feel emotionally raped daily. Does the saddness EVER end?? Please tell me yes. Then when WH gets home I go back to acting and 180. So basically I spend about 9 hours a day weeping uncontrollably and then when WH is 'around' I spend the rest of the day swallowing my tears. Anyone else on here do this??
As I always say- Thank God for S.I. W/out it I don't know where I would be! A padded cell maybe??!
"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~
Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
|Topic Posts: 319|