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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Women
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately I'm a new member of this club. I found out 2 1/2 weeks ago. I'm having a hard time. We have R but he works with OW and has to talk with her every day to get his job done. He told me he still loves her. Their relationship was only 2 months long and they only slept together 3 times... one of those times in OUR bed. Half the time I want to beat him and call him names. The other times I want to hold him tight and not let him out of my sight. I freaked out a couple of days ago when I saw him on his work laptop. From his emails I was able to find out that they would instant message on the computer while I was in the house. I worry constantly that things are going to go back to the way they were. Everyone he/we know were shocked at what he did. He is not the kind of person to cheat. When we got married 8 years ago cheating was the one thing we agreed on that would end our marriage. I have forgiven him but he is still being selfish and only thinking about himself.


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all!
The thing that gets me is that for affairs to be so rampant in our society, why do we feel that we have to hide in chat rooms. you know - we're alomost at a point where there are support groups for support groups. That is except for BS's. Where I live (50,000 people) there is not 1 support group. I'm sure there must be some sort of underground thing going on. I find myself looking at people and wondering "are you the 1 in 2?" If anyone knows of a secret handshake then please let me know!

Good point! You could always set up a support group - check out the BAN website for support if this idea appeals.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
bumbed
♀ Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just need to ramble and get rid of some of the frustration and fear.

I am generally strong about most things but just can't seem to pick myself up from the knowledge of I was disposable and not good enough. Not even worth the effort.

There don't know if I feel better after that but I just feel in limbo. Generally the past few days have been OK My sister cam and she has been helping me get organized and on with my life. Don't know why but she decided the place to start was with his stuff. She now has it all packed on bags. I cried and thought she took something away from me but you know she didn't he did.

I called him a few days ago about the cottage payment and it wasn't a good time for him. He fumbled with the phone and I heard her in the back ground asking who it was and he lied and told her "i don't know" and called me back later asking what I wanted? I guess he truely is a liar.

I so much want to be done with this but can't seem to find my way through it.

Thanks for listening and I will try and get me together to face tomorrow.


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,

I have been posting for a few months now but first time in the BW forum.

I've been D now since the end of Oct 2010, xwh didn't want to even try R, even though I had NO idea he was unhappy! Instead of talking to me about his "unhappiness", he chose to have an A because he claimed that he had tried to talk to me and I didn't listen. What saddens me it that I don't recall him ever trying to talk to me. He didn't give me any credit

I am doing so much better since a year ago, but I still have my not-so-good days occasionally

I still love him, but he is toxic and needs counseling for what our MC/IC points out as having NPD. He left 12/09, informing me that he was going to file, but I decided to file first because I needed to take control of what I deemed an out-of-control situation he had created.

At the beginning of 2011, I decided that I had had enough of the anger and bitterness that was inside me, so I contacted him asking for a meeting with no expectations, just talking with no "walls of defense" up anymore (something that he had always had around me and others because he has really never trusted anyone )
The chat has turned into chats every week or so, and we are getting along better, opening up about our issues, and starting to listen to each other, or so I think

Time will tell, but I am getting to the point where I don't know if he will ever want to look at himself and heal/change, and I don't know if I want to stick around to see


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
purplebreeze
♀ Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, April 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many new members, myself included. With the high estimates of affairs in the U.S. there must be many more.

I found out 12 weeks ago. It seems and eternity, but just yesterday. He doesn't understand why I feel betrayed since it never progressed to physical affair. We had our 40th anniversary last december and all seemed well, by mid January, I was in the pits and have been climbing out ever since.


me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
Bluebells
♀ Member
Member # 31776
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this club, too. I'm doing better at NC, though I've met up with WH the last two days. He tells me he wants our marriage, but is yet to go NC with his EA/PA. He is playing stupid, like he doesn't understand NC (I have detailed it for him in writing, in list form). It is really, really irritating. Most days, now, I don't want our M, but it is still so sad and I miss what I thought I had before this so much.


DDday: March 1, 2011
BW(me): 27
WH: 36
Married June 2009, together 8 years
OW: ongoing EA/PA, started October 2010
Separated March 24, 2011
Divorced Summer 2012
Signed D paperwork end of March, 2012; currently waiting for certificate that D is

Posts: 316 | Registered: Apr 2011
bestbecameworst
♀ Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 months in, my moods fluctuate. I don't really want a kiss from him. I get drunk and have sex with him. I don't really want to be with him but I don't really want to be without him either.
In limbo, it sucks, and I'm very paranoid too. Trying not to be.


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile. Planning separation.

Posts: 590 | Registered: Mar 2011
seeker2010
♀ Member
Member # 31552
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a bit of a bad run of it. We're in another of those phases where there is no depth of affection. He pretends and I know he's pretending. It might have to do with an email i received that was sent back to me from someone whom I told of the EA. He doesn't know I've read it and it wasn't a nice discovery to find out what he's saying to people about what happened. More about that in the R thread. I feel betrayed and betrayed and betrayed over and over and over again. This is not good nor healthy.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2011
lostwithoutyou
♀ Member
Member # 29053
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.
Not new to the "betrayed" prefix.
Just had a new betrayal discovery.
Not a good weekend for me by a long shot.


Finally found peace.
Finally found myself.

It's been a long, rough road.
Glad there was a pot of gold.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: In an empire state of mind
hurtbutmending
♀ Member
Member # 31655
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bluebells,
Maybe you should try what I did. I told my H, if you even want a chance no more, and handed him the phone. He knew that meant nothing, no texting, no talking, no meeting, nothing at all!

If a H really wants R and M, then they will know what has to be done.


BS(me)
FWH(him)
MOW insignificant
married 25 years
2 grown children
DDay Oct 4 2009
R - trying


Trusted too much!


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Finding myself again
twistedupinside
♀ Member
Member # 26179
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chiming in with all of the other betrayed women here. I haven't really gone through this forum area before and saw this so I am doing a shout out!

The last month for me with WS has been such a downward spiral up until two nights ago when he left. Yes, he came back already, almost broke his foot and is banged up. All from camping out behind a store in the woods and having to jump a fence to do so. He's really childish.

When I'd posted about this and saw what others said on it, I really really got to thinking and digging on some information. I have had a few light bulb moments since yesterday on not just him, but myself.

I think I am codependent. So, for me, my journey begins here with me on working on myself more. I've been able to do 180's, just not keep to them for very long. I react and get depressed and then crap happens all over again simply because I feel devalued by him. When in fact, I need to separate that idealization because it's not realistic.

So this is where I'm currently at and what I'm doing. R? Screw it. We still have the lease to finish out here, that's fine. I'm doing things to work on me and to get MY life back. He has known for the last year, without a doubt, what I needed to heal. So he can try or not. Either way I'm moving right along and getting my help.

So that's where I'm at currently.


me:47 him: 49
Dday #1: 09/30/09
Dday #2: 07/24/10 Trickled Truth
R begins 07/21/11
No it's not holding a grudge, it's called making a list and remembering everything so when it's my turn to drive the karma bus I know who to run over!

Posts: 513 | Registered: Nov 2009
rcantbleveit
♀ Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 8th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Browneyedgirl, I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard to believe that my H moved out of our home into OW's home and basically replaced me, my son and grandson. His sons are spending more time with him than ever but it has everything to do with the OW buying them everything they want & taking themn on awesome vacations with partying all the time. I miss my family so much. My son says let him go. they're more angry than me. His sons quit talking to me because they don't want anything to do mess up their new gig. This part of life just sucks but we will all get through it and be better people in the end.....

Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2010
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something has bugged me for a long time now. My FWH seems like a different person to me after the A. His personality seems different, even his laugh. It's like I'm not even married to the same person anymore. How many others feel like their spouse is a totally different person after the A then you married? It's like being with someone with split personality, and you find yourself wondering if this is his real self. Or, a different personality won out. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a stranger.

[This message edited by nothereorthere at 12:56 PM, May 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
wounded heart
Member
Member # 31764
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 21st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, no offense but I'd rather be joining AARP than this group (I'm only 46). My world has fallen apart, my FWH has been patient and mindful of the hurt he has caused, he hasn't been in contact with OW but she has tried recently to contact him.
I'm so sick of my life being about his selfish, immature, loathsome behavior with some foulmouthed, sex starved, whoring skank!
I'm tired of wondering where I am lacking, if I'm crazy for thinking he won't do it any, of wanting to beat the crap out of her until I'm too tired to hit her any more, of not sleeping, of gaining all the weight I had lost back and then some because I'm comfort eating, and of wondering if he came back because he loves me or because he found out she wasn't even as good as I was.
28 years, with the exception of our wonderful DSs, what was it all for?

[This message edited by wounded heart at 7:20 PM, May 21st (Saturday)]


The only one I have to answer to the Lord for is me.
BS- me, 46
WS- husband of 28 yrs
Phone, internet and then physical affair with his best friend's wife.
D-Day Jan. 11
Attempting Reconciliation

Posts: 118 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: AL
shangri-la
♀ Member
Member # 31971
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really know where to post these days. I'm just so so so sad. It's been a few months still D-day and I still can't believe my so called best friend (WH( would do this to me, and IS doing it to me.

He started the A in january and has since left me to be with OW. He says he wants to be friends, but I don't really know how that works...would I be friends with anyone who kept lying to me, and who so casually threw me away?

What I really don't understand is, if he was so unhappy, why didn't he leave me in a kind way? I wouldn't want to bind any body who wanted to be free, but I don't understand why he had to do this whole thing in such a hurtful, messy way.

I guess I'm doing ok - I'm craving, positively CRAVING, like going crazy for that connection that we once had.
That part is very hard. I think I will always love him, which is weird in itself because he has proven himself to be such a jerk.

IT SUCKS


M 7years
WH 35
me, BW 34
dd 2/9/2011
separated
"Time shall unfold what plighted cunning hides:
Who cover faults, at last shame them derides."

Posts: 556 | Registered: Apr 2011
heart_in_a_blend
♀ Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shangri-la:

Although my husband didn't end up leaving me physically he left me mentally and emotionally.

I told him that if he would have just helped me to move out and get started it would have all been over by now. I guess we would both be on a new path better or not. But he wouldn't. He was mean and unnessarily cruel to me and for that I can not forgive.

I've been married to this person for 38 years and moving out on my own without a job was devestating to say the least. I was as prepared as I could possibly be, but scared to death.

He pushed me off on his bother and his so-called friend and abandoned me. I was struggling to care for my mother who has since died.

I can understand how people fall out of love with someone, but when you have been together for so many years you are like family.

So we have stayed together, and he seems happy enough as long as he hasn't had too much to drink which is every day. He is an alcoholic and says that he would rather be dead than stop drinking.

I don't have any answers. I just know I stayed because I thought is was best for me at the time. That was back in 2008, June. I hate the entire summer because that is when his A started or at least kicked in to higher gear.

We need a betrayed women's cruise.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
wanttobeloved
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote cruise, I am so exhausted from his lies and all the things he claims he is doing to help me, which for some strange reason I do not see.

I am 7 mos from dday and still have ups and downs but I feel I am making progress on my own.

I am in this until I cannot take anymore of his lies and it feels like it is soon.


BS (me):44
WH:46
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010
doubtful

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
blindsidedwife23
♀ New Member
Member # 32539
Sad  Posted: 10:12 PM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I moved out and my H and I are getting a divorce. He's been lying to me all these time and it's so obvious that he met someone else!! (He's super shady). I am not going to lie, I am so hurt!!! For 8 years, he was a good and loving husband and now he cheats.

He just one day dropped the bomb that he's unhappy...he wants different things and he doesn't want to see MC. That's it! He wants out...I tried to reason with him but I got fed up.

How could a person be so cruel and cold and throw away a relationship (I thought we were happy). I know its going to be difficult -- but I walked away!


One day I just realized he was gone for good -- and it was okay.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Manhattan, NY
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere...Right there with you. Before he was worried I'd leave him, told me he loved me, was protective of me.

Now? Not so much.

Have told him that I miss the old him.




Posts: 30684 | Registered: Mar 2011
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((blindsided))

How could a person be so cruel and cold and throw away a relationship (I thought we were happy). I know its going to be difficult -- but I walked away!

I thought WH and I were happy too. I think many of us here on SI didn't realize there were issues we didn't even know about.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 319
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