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User Topic: Betrayed Women
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You never supported me" - anyone that knows us would drop their jaw at that one - I'm still surprised and disappointed that lightning didn't strike him

"It's none of their business" - referring to our adult kids knowing about his affair and abandonment

"I just asked her out" - yeah, never mind that you were both MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE

Their stupidity knows no bounds.

[This message edited by kernel at 7:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kernal!
Those would be funny if I hadn't heard them as well!

It's almost weird how similar so many stories are. Is there a book out there somewhere on stupid things to say to "justify" betraying your wife?

Oh, and one of my personal favorites:

I thought you didn't care. (Did you ever think to TALK to me?) Asshole.

Anyone else?


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One classic from FT was, you didn't care.
I didn't care when I took him too many Dr appts than I can count and sat on edge every fucking surgery for 25+ yrs, (he has chronic kidney stones,heart problem, and several hernias.) He didn't do well with anesthesia so it was always a major worry for me. Who in their right mind would put themselves through all this if they didn't love and care about his sorry ass?

After 2 mo of false R, he said he loved me but not in love with me. I called him on his bullshit and told him I didn't love him and no longer in love with him. I wanted the divorce.

That shut his NPD ass up quickly, he honestly didn't know what to say.
First time he had nothing to say..
Why did I ever marry him and then stay married ????

[This message edited by gma56 at 5:33 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my WH had even hinted at the "I love you but I'm not In love with you" bullshit, I think I would have snapped.
I'd have gone nuts! What the hell am I doing here, cooking, cleaning, worrying, sleeping with you, if you're not "in love"? Fuck that. And don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out with all your shit.

Sorry, a little pissy today

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 6:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's almost weird how similar so many stories are.

It is beyond weird. Almost like it's some kind of virus or infection that spreads and causes all the wayward spouses to utter the same lame-ass phrases and behave in eerily similar high school asshat ways. Maybe there is something to the zombie apocalypse - only instead of eating brains they destroy marriages. Attack of the zombie asshats.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Attack of the zombie asshats.

My new answer when anyone asks how I've been doing!!!


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAIT WAIT the menz are trading recipes!!!


On a lighter note. We're trading recipes on the Menz forum. Wait til the wimmenz get a hold of that!

What are we supposed to do now!
lol - if you aren't reading their thread, you really need to!


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
mixedintherut
♀ Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol@ trading recipes!


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Frustrated  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The potato salad actually sounded pretty good - and easy. I may get the WH to make it! lol

I can relate the to guys so much. It is kinda amazing how the pain crosses gender lines. We just process it differently. At least sometimes. The Menz say what I think, what I'm afraid to say, or can't find the words.

I wonder if the situation was reversed, if my WH would have tried as hard as I have to R. I really wonder.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 6:36 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is such a simple truth. I think it's meant to be funny, but in our situations, it is the truth.




"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4661 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kernel - kinds puts it in perspective.

So far, I've made it thru each say. So far.

Time for a nice glass if fermented grape juice. Maybe a Malbec, or a Cabernet Franc.


BS (Faithful) - 53
WH (Not so much)- 54
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
2+year EA/PA at least I think so - he isn't telling.

3 great kids :)

Married almost 30 years and here I am. Heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. 4/14 - Still trying.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, a little pissy today

I've been pissed off at everyone today.Gma's good natured personality has been tried to it's limits today.
I had a hellva a time finding my bitch and keeping her in front lines for 3 yrs after dday and the D but now ?
Oh, yeah, I found her. She's been hiding for decades being married to FT and now she's been freed to out bitch the best of them.
That German and Irish in me is fighting to get to the front of the line right now.
Where is that drink ?


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Alexa
♀ New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning ladies!
I just want to say hello and say I'm so glad I found SI and this thread. It's comforting to hear from people in the same situation as unfortunate as that my be for all of us to be here. Family and friends just get aggravating. They ask too many questions trying to solve the problem and talk to WH. They cause more problems Than they solve. They just don't get it. He could care less what they have to say so here I am.

My WH has 10 yrs of EMA's so I think. I'm not really sure because he keeps going back and forth between telling me the truth and giving me stories to aggravate me. Mind games, ya know. I can't get a straight answer from him. Personally, I think he's telling me the truth but afraid to come out and admit it so he says he just says things to upset me. WTF right? I think he wants to see my reaction so he's testing the waters just so he can tell me later that he told me before. It'll lessen the blow later so he thinks. Shit for brains. Doesn't he know games will not help. It just infuriates me more. But hey, he put me in this position and now he needs to deal with me. He's lucky I haven't thrown his stuff out on the street. I've come pretty damn close but I can't do it for my kids. He needs a rude awakening. Although I think I've done that many times. It just doesn't phase him. I don't know why I keep letting him back in or why he keeps coming back. Like a lot of stories I've read. We are just roommates right now. We'll stick with the MC and see if he can straighten himself out. He's on limited time though. As I've told him many times, I really don't need him except for part of his paycheck. Lol. So why do I put up with him? You're guess is as good as mine. Thanks for listening.


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
PhoenixSoul
♀ New Member
Member # 40555
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, everyone. I am new to this forum. I went through a lot and I have mostly moved on. I am actually remarried now and I am SO happy. But I deal with my ex a lot because we have kids together. I get frustrated about a lot of things, especially when I hear someone tell me what I should have done so that he wouldn't have to cheat. That's not fair.

I am mostly healed, but I still have healing to do. I wrote this letter to no one in particular, just as a way to get my emotions out. I want to share it with those who will understand in hopes that it might help someone find perspective. Hopefully any feedback that comes is positive. I mean it to be a positive letter.

Thanks! Here it is:

First, I want to make this clear. I am not posting this for revenge, or even out of anger. I think, though, that even though I am happier now than I have ever been in my life, the hurt of betrayal will always be something that follows me, and the idea that I did something to cause it (which is a ridiculous notion as I have come to realize that when a person is unfaithful, it has everything to do with themselves and nothing at all to do with the victim.) will haunt me forever. When my daughters grow and find men who love them, I am not 100% sure I will be able to completely snuff out the idea that he might someday do to her what her father did to me, and her and her siblings. I worry, when I look at my sons that they might take their father's example and use it, against my teachings, as an excuse that “sometimes it happens.” Infidelity should NEVER happen. Being and staying in love is much more a choice than it is a chemical reaction. Saying that you “couldn't help it” or that “it just happened” is absolutely degrading to the sanctity of marriage and the person who uses the excuse as well. It means that you have no control over yourself or your passions. And that is not acceptable for me, or my children, and it certainly is not okay for a grown man who made a choice to love and protect a woman and the children they bring into the world together. Yes, we are all human. When faced with a wrong decision or the temptation of another woman, you run. You do not walk, you do not feed the temptation, you RUN in the opposite direction. Running from a seductress is not unmanly or cowardice. Adultery IS.

More-so, I am doing it for closure. So that something in myself can heal and finish moving on. I am discussing her (and my ex, because it takes two, and I blame him more than I blame her.) because I feel that throughout the divorce, with my new marriage, and because of situations with child support and custody agreements, as well as a shocking abundance of support from his family for their behavior, they feel that their behavior was not only acceptable, but right and courageous. You know, abandoning all for the sake of love (read: lust.) I gave him a very cordial and civil divorce for the very sake of our children. I believe that the two of them mistake my civility and my class for acceptance for their bad behavior when in reality, I hope to be a better example to my children than they are so that they can see me behaving in a way that God would have them behave. Heaven knows what he has told people about me to earn their sympathy and support.

Heaven knows what they say about me when I am not around, or how he tells her that he was driven away by me and my antics. When a relationship is based on lies and betrayal, how can a woman believe anything that comes from that man's lips? The truth of the matter is this: I was never a perfect wife. But I was a damn good one. Brandon's adultery was none of my fault in the slightest and was all about him.

It can be said that I grew up with Brandon. I met him when I was 13 and he was 14. I would say it was love at first sight. I told my mother later that year that he was the boy I would marry. However, Brandon and I became best friends instead. We both dated a lot of other people. I had boyfriends, he had girlfriends. And when the relationships ended, we talked to each other. When Brandon's father left his mother and his 3 siblings for his mistress, I watched Brandon's anger. I watched his grades suffer, and I listened to him swear he would never cause his family such pain. I felt confident in this profession. Brandon served an LDS mission and I went to college without ever dating each other. When he returned, we dated and married in the Salt Lake temple, which I foolishly saw as a small measure of extra protection against such pains as adultery. I was 21, he was 22.

From there, I bore him 4 children. In July of 2012, he convinced me to have a 5th. He was to be our last. I got pregnant right away. I also got extremely sick. I lost 14 pounds and threatened to dip below 100 pounds. I got medicine for that, which helped, and I was more able to be active again. Unfortunately, I also had a subchronic hematoma, which is blood between the uterus and the placenta. It can be very dangerous for the baby and the mother, and so I was put on pelvic rest, meaning I could be active, but I could not have sex or I could irritate the uterus and further rip the placenta away from the uterine wall, which would kill my baby.

By November, the hematoma had resolved itself, and Brandon and I celebrated our 9 year anniversary. I started to get friend requests on facebook from girls Brandon worked with. They ordered things that I handmake and sell as christmas presents.

The week before Christmas was when my world spiraled out of control. I was almost 7 months pregnant with my 5th baby. And Brandon started being really mean to me, which was strange behavior. He always treated me (and EVERYONE else) with kindness. He would not sleep with me. Well, he WOULD...but he COULDN'T. I would kiss him and touch him, and he would retract from me out of sensitivity. He couldn't get an erection, and the sensitivity was something that regularly happened after we were finished in bed. Never in a million years did I think Brandon would cheat on me, so I didn't see the signs that way. I knew he battled depression. We had dealt with it for years. I thought his medication might be wrong again, and that he might need to see a doctor. I thought maybe the seasonal depression was making things hard for him. So I just tried to be understanding and compassionate to his situation.

Just before christmas, he got a call at nearly 2 am. He worked nights, so I waited up for him. I remember sitting by the tree with him, talking, and he got the call. The girl on the other line was hysterical. He didn't say much. When he got off, I asked him about it. He said it was a girl he worked with and she had just gotten beat up by her ex husband. It struck me as strange, but I thought that maybe since he was her boss, she trusted him, and that maybe he was the only person she could call. I asked if she needed a place to go to be safe and had she called the police? He said she was with her mom. I thought, then, that it was weird that she was calling him at 2 am if she was already someplace safe.

The day before New Years was a Sunday. After church, he napped on the couch and I grabbed his phone to check the time (I wasn't snooping. I have never been a jealous type. I was secure in my relationship, as I should have been able to be.) and he grabbed it from me. I should have snooped then. That night, though, I confronted him. I asked the right questions and he told me he had been having an affair with a girl from work named Lybbie since October-ish. Yes, she knew about me, my 4 children and my pregnancy.

And what did I do? I told him to leave. Because that is what you do. I did not want my daughters to think it was okay to stay in a relationship where there were lies and betrayal. I did not want my sons to think they could ever get away with it- they can't have a loving wife, a beautiful home, gorgeous children and a girl on the side. I was 7 months pregnant with a 5th child, I had 3 years of college because I quit so we could afford to put him through college (he has a bachelors degree) and I had been a stay at home mom for 8 years...and I threw him out.

Brandon told me that he left me, not his children. Unfortunately for Brandon and that whole idea, I left him. Well, I made him leave, because I kept the house. And I kept the children. I don't really believe he had any intention of telling me anything or leaving me. (We were planning a Disneyland trip for the following Christmas that very morning and talking about baby things we still needed to buy.) So, however he sees himself being this great and noble man who supports his 5 children and blah blah blah, he left them too. They are little. They are young and accepting. But they aren't stupid. And they don't see him or talk to him except for every other weekend. He doesn't answer their calls. He cancels as often as he has them. And he is raising Lybbie's daughter, who has the same name as our oldest.

Lybbie and her daughter moved in with Brandon to his old bedroom at his mom's house 1 week after I told him to leave. (Yes, the same woman who was left for a mistress while she raised 4 children alone. Apparently, it was not okay for her husband to do it...but when it came to her son, her daughter in law was to blame.) We went through mediation, not lawyers and court so our divorce was expected to take a few months only. 6 weeks after we began the process, Lybbie texted me, saying she had given me respect and that she never said anything bad about me. I wondered- what kind of bad things WERE there to say about me? She wanted to meet my children, even though Brandon agreed legally, with our mediators, that he would not introduce her to the children until the divorce was final per my request. A divorce, a baby brother and me getting a job was a lot for 4 children under 8 to adjust to. I wanted things to settle before they met her, and I wanted propriety in front of them- meaning I did not want them exposed to the fact that their father had a girlfriend before he was divorced. It was a grown up situation they couldn't possibly wrap their brains around and I thought it was better for them to deal with later. Lybbie told me that my children were stronger than I was giving them credit for. That she had respected my wishes and stayed away so far. I told her she hadn't respected any of my wishes and that respect went out the window the day she flirted with a married man, let alone when she spread her legs for him. She said that if that is the way I wanted to handle this, that is how we would handle it. I got a text from Brandon a few minutes later (he had the kids that weekend) that she was coming to meet them. I found out that the girls from Brandon's work were Lybbie's friends...you know, checking me out.

From there, Lybbie continued to break the rules. She continued to push boundaries and disrespect the rules for our children that Brandon and I agreed to in our divorce- she even gave Brandon a tattoo (she's a tattoo artist) while our children watched. Our divorce was final in May. While I am happy in my new life, with my 5 children and my new husband who I should have married in the first place, I have to deal with Brandon for the rest of my life because of our 5 children. Every time I settle into complete happiness, he ruins it for me. Another debt will crop up that he left in my name. He will demand to pay less child support. He won't babysit while I work, but “can't afford” to pay half the childcare costs. He cancels his weekend and will not respond to the fact that my husband and I have plans we made around the weekend without children. I wish I could just take my kids and never have to deal with him again. He still ruins good days for me and usually uses my children to do it.

When it all comes down to it, whether you are religious or not, the scripture is true: Wickedness never was happiness. Wrong things never made anyone happy- not REALLY, TRULY happy. Brandon's not happy. Lybbie thinks she caught a catch, but she didn't. He's gained probably 40 pounds since he walked away. She has pink hair, tattoos everywhere (which is not a judgement. I have seen some very pretty ones) and piercings all over her face. She's also a lot heavier than I am. She isn't absolutely hideous...but I'm much prettier, and much more feminine. They are planning to get married. I hope for my children's sake they stay together forever. My kids don't need to see their dad with dozens of different girls, and it has been made clear that he's the kind of man who allows his women to call ALL the shots, even when it's out of line. He has no backbone to stand up and say “Look, this is not good for my children right now.”

The way I see it is this- It wasn't about me. It wasn't about sex. It wasn't about me being naggy, or not taking care of myself, or not letting him go out. It wasn't even about us fighting, because other than minor disagreements, we didn't have full blown fights. It was about him. Lybbie told him what he wanted to hear (whatever that was. I still don't know) and he imagines that he is above the rules. If it WERE about me, or sex, or the way I look or if I was naggy, we would have fought a lot. We would have probably gone to counseling. Even if we hadn't, the situations he didn't like about me would have been addressed. (Not like he was all that perfect either.) And if we couldn't work it out, we would have gotten a divorce and moved on in a more appropriate manner. And then I would have to take half the blame for my marriage failing. As it stands, he couldn't answer me or my mediators when I asked why, what had I done? And THAT, my friends, absolves me of guilt for this.

It breaks my heart when I find out friends or even those who I don't know suffer this kind of betrayal. It hurts. But you know what breaks my heart more? Women who stay with the idiots who hurt them because they don't know where to go, don't know how to afford and support their children or who think that he will change. It's not about you. It's not about how terrible you are. You could be the most horrible person in the world, and cheating isn't about you. When it's about you, he will divorce you after trying to change things. Cheating is a CHOICE. And anyway, you aren't terrible. You're a wife. And you deserve to be loved and cherished. Don't let ANY home wrecker tell you that you didn't give your man what he needed. Men cheat because they are insecure. Because they know you're better than they are. And home wreckers steal men because they don't know what real love is. Cheating isn't real love. It's lies. A home wrecker does not a solid foundation make.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Utah
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping for a member who shall remain nameless. And awesome.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22656 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NIK, is it Millah time?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5861 | Registered: Jan 2011
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GMA... I feel ya...
Right after DD he told me the I love you but not in love with you.. I was kicking him out as I explained how I had to wipe his ass while sick..
My WH has a chronic disease too... Plus our daughter soccer clubs & major health issues for both before and during A... I had so many Doc and PT appointments between hers and his plus my FT work and paying bills,some house work and the last five years him losing his job twice meaning I have make sure I keep my work or no health ins..Etc. I was dead a zombie from everything. And he did nothing to help.. And he runs off to have an A after he got rehired back on contract.. Well if he would have kept his dick in his pants they would have hired his FT.. So he ended up loosing his job.. It's good a friend of our .. Friend of our marriage gave him a job... So Affairs can DBS detrimental to your career.. He was a fool and flaunted the bitch went to lunches and lectures together with people that know us as a couple.. IDIOT...the problem is that I, We the family paid for his crap.. People from his work were so embarrassed to see me.. I couldn't tell why at first.. Well later I understood why..the good thing we are still together but so many x coworkers are confused.. Not sure if affair or they were friends because I am the committed wife. I am afraid that in our small professional community that he would be ostracized and not get employeed FT.
So not sure if I can truly forgive and get over this but I am trying and now he's always telling me he loves me and is in love with me.. I on the other hand. Am mehhh ok


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AHA! I found a BW thread! I have something I've been wondering about and I wonder if its a men/women thing or individual thing.

This is in relation to what a WH posted about sex.

As I was replying to him I sort of had an epiphany - I am firmly convinced that WH would have been no "love-ier" with this EAP than me. He is just different. And I sometimes wonder if that is ME being weird and expecting something to be there (I wonder if I was delusional about it ever being there) or if it is a gender different view on sex, love, marriage?


Posts: 524 | Registered: Jun 2013
jangledchick
♀ New Member
Member # 40863
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apart from ALL the obvious reasons to be shattered by their use of prostitutes, understanding the concept of sex addiction and then maybe even feeling compassion for their plight... HOW do you even begin to imagine having sex again?I am repulsed by him. He is tainted. The hands I once loved are layered with imprints of all the whores. The smooth olive skin I once enjoyed stroking is now impregnated with the perverted touch of others.I've been told that I can heal from this and that with time and hard work can recover, BUT I don't want to overcome these thoughts and feelings. I WILL NOT.Imagine something so repugnant to you that you'd rather do ANYTHING but that something, say... eating the regurgitated food from a cat or a deep fried cane rat.Then imagine being told, that with time and hard work, you can overcome your feelings. Would you be willing to give time and hard work to overcome your feelings?

I really want someone in a similar situation who can talk with me about the nitty gritty of the day to day reality. To hash out the dreaded future that staying married to a man like this would entail.I am fiercely protective of my family unit and desperately want to keep it intact. My sons are 29, 20 &17 and I have a 16 month old grandson.I care about the welfare of my husband but do not have any inclination to be affectionate with him and as I said in the first post, I most definitely could never have sex with him again.My choices are either divorce-which would decimate my family unit, reconcilliation-which is out of the question, or living in a sexless marriage with a recovering sex addict who seems to be fully committed to his recovery.I've lived without sex for approx ten years anyway so I don't think that will be much of a hardship for me. (Excuse the pun! )Anyone out there who can identify?

[This message edited by jangledchick at 4:27 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]


'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
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