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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Women
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*waves hi to all the ladies*

Just wondering if I'm such a doofus or if others have felt the same as me.

I have been to IC twice and both times left feeling 100 times worse then when I walked in. I think it makes me feel worse. I do speak openly and honestly to my FWH and feel I get more out of this.

Is this normal (or whatever passes as normal in our strange world)?

Thanks Girls

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
crazytimes
♀ Member
Member # 9431
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Flipper (& everyone else)!
I haven't read the whole thread yet but wanted to get myself on the BW thread!
But, back to your question Flipper... About feeling worse after IC. Well, my 1st thought is that is it maybe bringing up issues for you that are making you feel uncomfortable but if you can go with it & push through the discomfort you'll be so much better off? Or maybe of course the person you've been seeing is just not the right one for you...
JM2cW


"Not all men are bastards, some of them are dead"
"Living well is the best revenge!"
"Better to have loved & lost than be stuck with the loser forever!"

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: New Zealand
jgiggles
♀ Member
Member # 10305
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. Nothing against you, but I really wish I didn't have to be here. But I'm glad that I have people who can truly understand what I'm going through.

Having a really tough time. It's been a year since the most potent DDay and I still struggle every day. This is not how I pictured our marriage being. I have absolutely no trust in my husband and don't think I ever will. I'm seriously considering divorce because I just can't picture myself continuing to live this way.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: PA
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate rollercoasters. I was talked into going on one once and was scared to death.

Now I've been forced to ride this one and it makes me want to


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies.
No offense taken, this is not a group I really went looking for. But, I'm happy to know you now that I do find myself here.

{{KITTEN}}
I'm sorry for what you are going thru. I have heard that the D word often shocks them back into reality.
I would say, Actions speak louder than words.
Let him sweat it out and if he is indeed honest that he wants to work things out, then make him show you.

My H is great with talking...but terrible with actions. So I cant take his word for anything....but instead he needs to show me.


R is going well. No proof that xOW is still in picture even tho they now work together...which is often too much for me to handle, so I try not to think about.

And maybe I'm hormonal..but anyone else have a H who just isnt meeting your emotional needs?

I feel like I'm crying out for attention and love and to be cherished.
And my H, while not intentionally doing anything to make me feel otherwise, just isnt "giving me" that love that I need right now.

I feel like my love bank is damn near on empty and I just cant make him for the life of me, see that I'm dying inside.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
mkr543
♀ Member
Member # 12867
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like my love bank is damn near on empty and I just cant make him for the life of me, see that I'm dying inside.

Ditto.

(((((stillhurting)))))


Me:BS - 38
Him: FWH - 44
d-day: November 12, 2006

Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats


Posts: 1838 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: New England
didwhat
♀ Member
Member # 14163
Frustrated  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi from another BW...over 50, married forever, never thought I'ld be here, etc...SO glad for all your thoughts.

My WH has been trying very hard to be honest, open, loving and giving both in talking and in action. He seems to be finally keeping NC. However, (there always seems to be that however )two things I thought all you gals might have some thoughts on.

1. In being honest to me he seems to find it necessary to tell me he still has "feelings" for or "misses" the OW. Is this part of fog? He says he never stopped loving me, just loved her also. OUCH I feel like I'm in the "Big Love" TV show.

2. The OW keeps trying to get to him AND me. She emails me cut and paste versions of old letters. Then long sorries. She calls his office and friends tring to leave messages. They all now know about the A(because she told them). They don't put through the calls(my WH's request), but it is still very awkward for them. We even changed his cell number(she was calling 6 times a day)and she got the new one from a wife of a business assoc. who didn't know about the affair. She came to our house on the 2nd DDay (the real one) and tried to break all our windows..really freaked out BOTH of us. Any advice on ow removal???

[This message edited by didwhat at 7:37 PM, April 9th (Monday)]


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
didwhat
♀ Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry about the typos and spelling...not quite myself these days


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
NowIKnow
Member
Member # 13999
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say hello. My goodness the betrayed men thread is buzzing over there. I'm 3 weeks out from d-day and I'm just so exhausted. I can literally feel the sagging around my eyes. It hurts to smile and I'm finding it difficult to enjoy things I used to enjoy but I keep doing them anyway hoping if I keep at it I'll feel something. Oh, and I'm tired of having to respond "I'm doing well" or "I'm fine" to the "How are you?" question from co-workers and store clerks. It's a lie and sometimes I do smile (inside) thinking about what it would be like to respond with the truth. I'd never do it though.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Mar 2007
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazytimes,

Thanks !!

I think there is a lot of truth in what you say.


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
spring
♀ New Member
Member # 13837
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys, read the book 'The Secret', there are some awesome strategies for dealing with this. My life has taken a big positive step forward, still a way to go but the roller coaster is slowing down and definitely getting more stable. WH is worried because he realises I may make him sell our business and pay me out. This business is his passion all of a sudden his move to find that'thrill' is starting to take on a new meeting. The 'thrill' I get when I see his panic is all worthwhile. What goes round comes round!

DDay for me was early Nov 06, so i reckon I'm doing well. WH doing his own thing, so fine, I'm working on doing mine. Friends ask would you have him back????? Right now no way!!


Me - 46
WH - 44
D Mth - 11/06

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2007
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all... I'm a bit late joining, but here I am.

Flipper, my counselor said during the course of therapy, I'll hit a point where I'll feel 100 times worse than when I first walked in the door due to finally dealing with all the crap I've been shoving to the side. She then said after that point, people usually accelerate quickly into feeling better than ever once they've gotten rid of all the clutter in their heads and hearts.

Could that be what's happening for you?

Hugs to all,

WB


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15280 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
mlpw62
♀ Member
Member # 12579
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all... just joining.. It is still amazing to me how similar we all feel no matter what the situation, how absolutely devestating an A (or A's) are. If I answered everyone on here that I could relate to this would be a very long post! But, a few that really hit home with me:

woman_scorned, limbo land is exactly what it feels like to me. Some days I want nothing more than to successfully R, other days I don't want to live with this anymore, so I am in limbo! My counselor told me he is afraid I am going to "straddle the fence".. stay because I do love him and want this to work, but on the other side, never be able to let it go or be completely happy because I can't seem to forgive.

browneyedgrl, this is probably one of my biggest hurts. I have told him I feel "disposable." Like you said, easily replaced. Not a good feeling.

Renee, I asked him for a time limit the other day, and he says he isn't comfortable with a time limit. Has anyone else done this? I mean, how long do you go on in limbo land? Like jgiggles, I can't picture myself living this way forever, and I don't see it ending most days. It has been 9 months since D-day #1 and I think i feel worse, not better.

Just some of my thoughts.. ((((everyone))))))


BS (me) 50 WS 49
Three children, 22, 12, and 10
Married for almost 24 years.
Dday #1- June 19, 2006
Dday #2- Aug. 1, 2006 (found out they were still in contact)

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Montana
mlpw62
♀ Member
Member # 12579
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I took a mental-health day off from work today, so since I have a little time, I have some questions..

This last and most serious A was with a woman 10 years younger than me. Now, every time I look in the mirror, that is all I can think about. It really bothers me. It is very, very hard on my self-esteem. Anyone else struggle with this?

I have tons of emails from the two of them, that is how I caught them.. (she isn't the brightest bulb of the bunch, obviously, sent it to all of his email addresses, even his home one) but, the hardest thing in them is all the "love" and "soulmate" talk, and "never thought I could love another woman the way I love you" crap. "Want to spend the rest of my life with you" and the obvious planning for a future together. This bothers me more than the sex! Although, with their emails, they might as well have been having sex all along.. she should get a 900 number, she could make some good money. The emotional side of it is so much worse for me than the physical. which leads me to...

WHY am I good enough now? I don't feel good enough. I am the same (although a bit broken) person I was when he was thinking of leaving. So why ME now? I think I will always feel second place, a consolation prize. Even though he says everything to the contrary. Will this ever go away? I will NEVER get the emails out of my head, nor do I see how I can ever think about them without them cutting so deep. Is the emotional part harder for most us women?



BS (me) 50 WS 49
Three children, 22, 12, and 10
Married for almost 24 years.
Dday #1- June 19, 2006
Dday #2- Aug. 1, 2006 (found out they were still in contact)

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Montana
didwhat
♀ Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt the same way as you. The emotion connection was much harder to take. But then I stepped back. I decided not to focus on my WH or the Affair, but on me. (good IC helps) I realized that I can not undo the past, fix him, fix ow, fix any thing but me. So now I spend my time thinking, what do I want, what are my rules, what is okay for me. Sounds selfish, but has really made me muuuuch happier. I also thought a time limit would be good at first. Now I think, forget his time limit set my own. I will stay only as long as I think I'm okay. I thought I do not lie and cheat on him nor do I think its okay for him to do it to me. If he can't or won't change, I won't stay. I deserve better. It is not okay that a single woman should sleep with my H. She is garbage, I'm not. If he wants garbage I don't want him. My rules. I have choice, I have worth, I have a life that is mine to live. This may all seem cold, but it finally got all those emails out of my head, because I decided to delete them. I don't want her in my head. Think about yourself not WS or OW and you may just find you are so worth it.

[This message edited by didwhat at 2:09 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{DIDWHAT}
Is your H actively trying to R and has maintained N/C w/the OW?

If so, then it seems to me its time to threaten her w/harrassment charges.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
BelleStar
♀ Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all and wish we weren't here, but I'm glad to have company in my misery,

Not only am I a BW (now D) but I picked a real winner for a BF and now I'm a BGF trying to R with BF and I just don't know when this hell ride is going to stop...


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Feb 2007
Ibelieveinme
♀ Member
Member # 11363
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here too. I guess I am having a bad week as well. Just one of those weeks.




Posts: 1835 | Registered: Jul 2006
didwhat
♀ Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting1...

Yes, he is trying very hard to R. And as far as I can tell has not contacted her. I did look into a restraining order as she has come onto our property...put cold cream on his car recently..and tried to break our windows after she got his NC email. (see profile..finally wrote one) Unfortunately its not so easy to get one. We did block or delete all the email accounts we could. The hard part is she was our friend for 8 years and knows many of our friend..some of whom don't know about the affair thus they give her information like the new cell number without thinking anything of it. She is very unstable. Also uses alot of emotional blackmail on people.


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

didwhat.
How awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with her. She sounds very unstable.

Have you considered telling your mutual friends, so they can at least stop helping feed her addiction?
Exposure often does wonders, but I understand if you want to keep it under wraps. A's are very personal.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
Topic Posts: 319
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