He is still having his affair or at least the emotional part of it.
You need to go 180 on his ass right now. He has been a cake-eater for over two years and you deserve better.
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
As far as him taking that job offer- I did ask him about it on Friday and he said he probably won't be taking it. I truly think he doesn't want to because he wants to stay near her and from what I have heard she has decided she doesn't want to commute that far.
I found out about their A 2 years ago. I have no idea how long it was going on before I found out but we have been working on this for 2 years and she has been in our lives continually during the process. Whether they have continued the PA these past 2 years I don't know- but certainly he has continued contact with her and I am confident an EA has continued up until recently. A few weeks ago I did give him a final ultimatum --her or me and he told me that he chose me- that she wasn't even an issue because he loves me. But he has not told her this. At first he said he was going to take that other job and that he would just avoid her until he left. But now he isn't planning on taking the job offer- am I wrong for wanting him to tell her that it is over? I want him to verbally tell her the words. Not just avoid her and hope that she gets the hint because she won't. I want her out of our lives completely, once and for all. He just doesn't seem to get that. He tells me that the are over and have been for a while, but I can't bring myself to believe him based on his actions (and non-actions).
[This message edited by hrtbroken at 9:09 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]
No, you are not wrong to in wanting him to tell her that it is over. He needs to. Better yet, he needs to do so in front of you - either over the phone (with you on the phone) or via a letter/email that tells her that their 'relationship' is over, he is working on rebuilding his marriage, he loves his wife, all contact between them will be entirely professional.
Are the two of you in MC? have you checked out teh book "Not Just Friends"?
This week, though, she sent him a birthday email, and he deleted it without telling me about it. When I asked him directly if he had gotten any birthday emails from coworkers, he said no. A couple of days later, with some prodding, he told me she had sent it to him, and when he read it, he just didn't want to deal with any A related stuff. He was overwhelmed with feelings about our anniversary, the week before, and thoughts of my affair from a couple of years ago. I feel torn, because I can completely understand his feelings. On the other hand, he is demanding (rightfully) complete openness and honesty from me--why was it even an option to delete the email and lie to me by omission and then directly? We are both working on building trust, and as long as OW is a part of the mix, it's a tough road. The only way, in my opinion, to rebuild trust is to have COMPLETE disclosure of ALL conversations/contacts until some trust is built, and then maybe starting to only talk about any non work related encounters.
With your H, it sounds like he's still trying to get the positive feelings from her at work, and you are supposed to be the main source of his comfort and communication. He has to work with you to make you feel like you are his priority, whatever that means to the two of you.
So sorry about the job. Hope he changes his mind.
H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"
My baby is 2wks old already. Cant believe how time flies when you are so busy. Things continue to be good at home btwen H and I...although, and this may sound strange..its a little boring!
I dunno. We talk, but it seems so quiet and unexciting. I guess I got used to the "drama" our lives had for the past year and now we have none..I dont know what to do! LOL!
Total trigger this weekend. May 12th 2006 is the FIRST phone contact on record btwn H and xow. Also, he sent me a beautiful card last year..but it meant nothing to me a few months later as he just a day after mailing it, slept with her just the next night and then bam..their A started and heated up pretty quickly.
I struggled a lot this weekend and didnt say anything until last night. My emotions got the better of me and I finally let it out to him. He felt awful and told me over and over how sorry he was and how much he loves me.
Felt good to hear..but its just hard.
I'm so glad that "trigger" is behind us now. Next trigger date is not until July 4th...when he lied to me and spent the night w/her. So I'm planning a trip out of town for our family for that date.
Anyhow. I do hope you are all doing well. I'm sorry for all the newbies who joined on. But, you are in great company with these wonderful people!
I'm trying to stay off SI as much as I can. I got addicted to it for a while and found that it was making me trigger more than helping. But, I will check in from time to time.
~SH1 and baby.
How could I have lived with a liar and not known...
my H works in home loans. My good friend is having her condo refi'd..by my H.
She just texted me that she is at the office, which by the way *I* have not yet been to, or been invited to-but thats another story-- so she texted me saying she tooks pics of the office/layout using her camera phone when my H left to get some paperwork off the copier.
Cant wait to see how the place looks to give me an idea of how much H and xow MAY see oneanother.
I can understand totally about wanting full disclosure regarding the birthday email or any contact for that matter because not disclosing it makes us feel as though they are hiding something- being deceitful. After all the lies, even if they are just wanting to spare our feelings, full disclosure should be there because I donít think we can build up the trust if it isnít. I told my H that he should have told me about the phone calls if they were just work related or innocent. I need to know about all contact with her. He said that he didnít think I would want to know because he knows it hurts me- well yes it does, but I would rather know about it from him with him being open and honest, than to find out that he has been lying to me and hiding it from me.
He said that he didnít think I would want to know because he knows it hurts me
If he KNOWS it will hurt you, why does he do it?
I too have three kids and have been in the same boat as you for the last 2+ years except that I think my H has curtailed their A. (Who knows anything anymore.) I suspect they still maintain a "friendship" and if I ever have proof it will just be over. The kids will be able to deal with it. Right now instead of seeing me as strong I think my children see me as weak and dingy as knowing that H and OW see each other everyday makes me slightly wacko - it's kinda like a water torture.
Keep working on getting your own act together and if he can't do right by you then you are better off without him. At least then you know. I know exactly what you mean about being just plain miserable with the status quo.
There are so many of us now.
What stratergies can I use to cope with this.
Each of us has to come up with our own way of dealing with this horrible situation.
For me, I became numb. I live on the Plain of Flatness now. I certainly don't recommend it, as its a pretty shitty way to live.
Anyway, this has been ongoing for me for a little over 2 years now and I because I wanted our marriage to work so badly I would give in and believe my H lies and agree to give it another shot and things would be okay for a while and we would be on the road to recovery and then Iíd catch him with the OW who is his coworker again. I just found out that he lied to me again this past Tuesday and met up with her and heís been calling her, all after he promised to finally cease all contact with her a few weeks ago. I canít go through this anymore. I donít want to be here in this situation 2 years from now begging him to stop seeing her. I donít want my children, all girls, to see me as this weak woman with no dignity or to think that it is okay for a woman to be treated like this. I certainly donít want to continue to feel like this because I donít like the person I have become. So I have decided to take a break from him. I need space and time to figure out what is best for me and my children away from him. We talked for a long time last night and he finally opened up to me and told me details about their A. Heís scared because he knows this is it, there are no guarantees that I will take him back. I made it very clear to him that it doesnít matter how much he tells me he loves me, or the fact that he told the OW at work that it is over and to not contact him or wait for him, etc., or all the promises that he makes to me regarding what he is going to do- everything from here on out, my decision on whether or not I want to continue on in our marriage is going to be based on his actions. Not what he says he is going to do, but what he actually does. Because I canít trust what comes out of his mouth anymore. He has lied to me so much over the last two years I donít trust anything he says when it comes to her or even us anymore. I can only go by his actions.
Me- 34 BS
Him- 37 WS
1st D-day 2/9/2006
2nd D-day 5/15/2007
A- 2 Ĺ years
My H still works with the OW. How do I deal with that?
Sunrise, that is going to be the hardest part of all of this. Knowing that your H is going to work and will be in contact with the OW every single dayóthere just isnít any way for you to have any closure or be able to move beyond this because she will still be a constant in your lives. You will always wonder is something going on, is there any temptation for him to meet up with her before work or after? Are they having any ďstolen momentsĒ in the office or hallway somewhere? I equate it to rubbing salt in an open wound for you. My H works with the OW too and they meet up together before work (anywhere between a few minutes up to 30 minutes) in the parking lot and then walk into the hospital together. More often than not they are sitting in one or the others vehicle doing who know what. They also go to the CCU together and work (just the two of them) very often. So they have the entire unit to themselves with the exception of 2-4 patients who are critically ill. They used to wait on each other after work but that stopped about 4 months ago. They work shifts so they are off a few days during the week; I work M-F so they were meeting on their days off when I was at work as well. This situation is one that gives you constant fear, doubt and anxiety because you canít ever stop worrying about the OW. She is essentially spending more time with your H than you are and just knowing that they are together kills you. I wouldnít recommend him staying at that job any longer than necessary. I know you said leaving his job is not an option; can he transfer to another department within his job? If not I would certainly demand that he cease any and all contact with her other than what is work related. I would demand that he not park next to her or meet up with her before or after work. Bottom line though is the sooner he gets away from her, and that means removing himself from that job the better it will be for you and your marriage. Trust me, after 2 years of my H and the OW working together and repeated broken promises, lies and betrayal when it came to the OW- the best thing for all would have been for him to have left his job when I first found out. He is just now admitting to me that she is to much of a temptation. You need to remove him from the temptation.