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User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 11th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbroken - he's buying her gifts? Meeting her on their days off?

He is still having his affair or at least the emotional part of it.

You need to go 180 on his ass right now. He has been a cake-eater for over two years and you deserve better.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, May 12th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugggh... FWH had a run-in with FSOW today. He turned the corner while walking with a friend (male colleague), turned a corner, and she was there. Ugghh. It triggered the hell out of me, more so than any other run-in. I'll be so glad when she's gone.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
hrtbroken
♀ New Member
Member # 14574
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Melody. They both work in the ICU, 12 hour shifts and I understand it can be stressful or there are things that can happen that I might not be able to relate to. But he was in the Army for 14 years and a lot worse things happened while he was deployed that he was able to share with me. He says that he can talk to her about things- not just work. That she's a "good listener". Although he is making an attempt to communicate more with me now.

As far as him taking that job offer- I did ask him about it on Friday and he said he probably won't be taking it. I truly think he doesn't want to because he wants to stay near her and from what I have heard she has decided she doesn't want to commute that far.

I found out about their A 2 years ago. I have no idea how long it was going on before I found out but we have been working on this for 2 years and she has been in our lives continually during the process. Whether they have continued the PA these past 2 years I don't know- but certainly he has continued contact with her and I am confident an EA has continued up until recently. A few weeks ago I did give him a final ultimatum --her or me and he told me that he chose me- that she wasn't even an issue because he loves me. But he has not told her this. At first he said he was going to take that other job and that he would just avoid her until he left. But now he isn't planning on taking the job offer- am I wrong for wanting him to tell her that it is over? I want him to verbally tell her the words. Not just avoid her and hope that she gets the hint because she won't. I want her out of our lives completely, once and for all. He just doesn't seem to get that. He tells me that the are over and have been for a while, but I can't bring myself to believe him based on his actions (and non-actions).

[This message edited by hrtbroken at 9:09 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, May 13th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hrtbroken

No, you are not wrong to in wanting him to tell her that it is over. He needs to. Better yet, he needs to do so in front of you - either over the phone (with you on the phone) or via a letter/email that tells her that their 'relationship' is over, he is working on rebuilding his marriage, he loves his wife, all contact between them will be entirely professional.

Are the two of you in MC? have you checked out teh book "Not Just Friends"?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, May 14th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hrtbroken, you aren't wrong to want him to give her a clear idea of where his priorities lie. My H decided that since he worked w/ her, he had to handle it by simply keeping his boundaries in place, and not responding when she made overtures. He has managed to do that pretty well, although he and I have different idea of what constitutes non-work conversation It's hard for him, and I know he's been trying.

This week, though, she sent him a birthday email, and he deleted it without telling me about it. When I asked him directly if he had gotten any birthday emails from coworkers, he said no. A couple of days later, with some prodding, he told me she had sent it to him, and when he read it, he just didn't want to deal with any A related stuff. He was overwhelmed with feelings about our anniversary, the week before, and thoughts of my affair from a couple of years ago. I feel torn, because I can completely understand his feelings. On the other hand, he is demanding (rightfully) complete openness and honesty from me--why was it even an option to delete the email and lie to me by omission and then directly? We are both working on building trust, and as long as OW is a part of the mix, it's a tough road. The only way, in my opinion, to rebuild trust is to have COMPLETE disclosure of ALL conversations/contacts until some trust is built, and then maybe starting to only talk about any non work related encounters.

With your H, it sounds like he's still trying to get the positive feelings from her at work, and you are supposed to be the main source of his comfort and communication. He has to work with you to make you feel like you are his priority, whatever that means to the two of you.

So sorry about the job. Hope he changes his mind.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone! Not much online time anymore, but wanted to check in and let you all know I've been thinking about all of you!

My baby is 2wks old already. Cant believe how time flies when you are so busy. Things continue to be good at home btwen H and I...although, and this may sound strange..its a little boring!
I dunno. We talk, but it seems so quiet and unexciting. I guess I got used to the "drama" our lives had for the past year and now we have none..I dont know what to do! LOL!

Total trigger this weekend. May 12th 2006 is the FIRST phone contact on record btwn H and xow. Also, he sent me a beautiful card last year..but it meant nothing to me a few months later as he just a day after mailing it, slept with her just the next night and then bam..their A started and heated up pretty quickly.
I struggled a lot this weekend and didnt say anything until last night. My emotions got the better of me and I finally let it out to him. He felt awful and told me over and over how sorry he was and how much he loves me.
Felt good to hear..but its just hard.
I'm so glad that "trigger" is behind us now. Next trigger date is not until July 4th...when he lied to me and spent the night w/her. So I'm planning a trip out of town for our family for that date.

Anyhow. I do hope you are all doing well. I'm sorry for all the newbies who joined on. But, you are in great company with these wonderful people!

I'm trying to stay off SI as much as I can. I got addicted to it for a while and found that it was making me trigger more than helping. But, I will check in from time to time.

~SH1 and baby.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok..gotta throw this one out:

my H works in home loans. My good friend is having her condo refi'd..by my H.

She just texted me that she is at the office, which by the way *I* have not yet been to, or been invited to-but thats another story-- so she texted me saying she tooks pics of the office/layout using her camera phone when my H left to get some paperwork off the copier.

Cant wait to see how the place looks to give me an idea of how much H and xow MAY see oneanother.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
bundy
♀ Member
Member # 13749
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that has always bothered me was that I was never invited to work functions. I may have been invited, but I wasnt told so. I used to wonder why Id get the cold shoulder from some of my WHs work colleagues and then later realised they probably thought I was a snob for never coming to BBQs etc. Part of me wants to go up there and scream it out loud - but I just cant. Its yet another lot of crap that we get to deal with. I never told anyone at his workplace - but Im sure the women at least, must have realised - it was pretty blatant to me. My WH thinks that noone at the workplace knows. How dumb. Women are pretty good at gossiping and Im sure she would have bragged at some stage. Besides - they hung out together so much surely people knew.


Married 21 yrs
Me 46
WH 48
G16 B19
OW 38
Life will keep sending us the same lesson, until we learn it!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2007
hrtbroken
♀ New Member
Member # 14574
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the last few days have been horrible. As I previously posted I issued an ultimatum to my H about 4 weeks or so ago-- either me or the OW and, of course, he said he chose me. I have told him for the past 2 yrs that he needed to cease all contact w/the OW except that which had to do exclusively with work on the ICU only, once they stepped off the unit he was to not have any contact with her whatsoever. Of course over the past 2 years I have found him in lie after lie and excuse after excuse about his contact with the OW and like an idiot I kept giving in and taking him back. But when I gave him that choice 4 weeks ago I really meant it because I am at a point now where I realize I can be okay without him, it will be the most painful thing I might ever go through, but I can go on without him if I have to if he canít give the OW up because I certainly cannot continue like this. I told him that he better cut it off with her once and for all and if I caught him meeting the OW before work or any more calls on his cell phone from/to the OW that would be the final straw. He deletes his incoming & outgoing call history so I canít check his calls & we donít get detailed billing either. I couldnít find our cell phone bill so I went online to pay it and yes, I was nosey and wanted to know who he had been calling, you can get a detailed billing online, so I looked to see what numbers he has been calling- he called her 7 times on his days off in the last month. Some calls lasted several minutes and some lasted up to a 40 minutes. When I confronted him he said he was just giving her ďdirectionsĒ or it was ďwork relatedĒ. Then yesterday morning when we were getting ready for work he got a call on his cell phone, naturally it was a very short call and then he said he needed to go in to work early. So he rushed to get ready. I left right after he did and actually got to his work before he did. (We live about 7 minutes from the hospital) Forty minutes later the OW pulled in to the parking lot and he pulled in right after her and then got out and went up to her window- they talked for a few minutes. He then looked up towards my direction like he thought he might have seen me but wasnít sure then he began to walk towards the hospital and she began to follow him in. He stopped and looked my direction again and then called me and asked me where I was and I lied and said I was on my way to work. But I know he saw me because he started walking ahead of the OW. He saw me and the only reason he wasnít walking with her was because he knew I was there. Where was he for the 30+ minutes after he left the house? Did they meet up somewhere? The OW is married with children and doesnít live that far from their work. I left the parking lot and drove to work. Needless to say my day was horrible. I sent him a text that his bags would be packed when he got home and then he called me immediately after that begging me not to give up on us. Last night we really had a long talk and I told him that I need some space to think about things. That I am not ready to make a decision about anything at this point, but whatever decision I make will be made based on his actions- not on what he says he is going to do. He said that she is the one that continues to park next to him and wait for him and she is the one that calls him, etc. But clearly based on his cellphone records- he calls her too. He also still walks with her in the mornings when she waits for him and he hasnít been adamant with her about not meeting in the mornings- if she is truly the one ďwaiting for himĒ. He said that since I told him 4 weeks ago not to meet with her, park next to her, etc. he hasnít but that is a lie to because I know he has, plus what about the dozens of times I asked him to stop contact with her over the last 2 years? He did say that he talked with her yesterday, and made it very clear that she is not to call him, talk to him, wait for him and they were to have no contact outside of the ICU anymore. But he could be lying to me because itís just his word- I didnít hear it. He has lied to me so many times that I canít trust anything he says anymore. He put in a transfer to the ER on the opposite shift as the OW so they will be working the exact opposite days in a different department altogether. Once an opening in the ICU at another hospital nearby comes available he said he will transfer- they are owned by the same company. At this point I canít make any promises to him. We have three children and I need to think about what is best for them as well; Iím not saying I will stay with him because of the kids that is what I think I have been doing so far and all it has done is make me miserable. I am just going to take it one day at a time right now and try and make it through the best that I can.

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
hrtbroken
♀ New Member
Member # 14574
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melody- I think you are right. I think he is wanting some type of validation or he likes the positive attention he gets from her at work. He did tell me when I first found out about the A and then recently that what started it all was the fact that she was a "good listener" and she was always saying positive things about him. I guess she boosts his ego. Not that I put him down because I certainly don't but I guess when you hear how great you are all the time from someone that you also have an attraction to maybe there is something in that.

I can understand totally about wanting full disclosure regarding the birthday email or any contact for that matter because not disclosing it makes us feel as though they are hiding something- being deceitful. After all the lies, even if they are just wanting to spare our feelings, full disclosure should be there because I donít think we can build up the trust if it isnít. I told my H that he should have told me about the phone calls if they were just work related or innocent. I need to know about all contact with her. He said that he didnít think I would want to know because he knows it hurts me- well yes it does, but I would rather know about it from him with him being open and honest, than to find out that he has been lying to me and hiding it from me.


Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that he didnít think I would want to know because he knows it hurts me

If he KNOWS it will hurt you, why does he do it?


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hrtbrkn - As painful as it is to deal with this stuff - I think you really need to.

I too have three kids and have been in the same boat as you for the last 2+ years except that I think my H has curtailed their A. (Who knows anything anymore.) I suspect they still maintain a "friendship" and if I ever have proof it will just be over. The kids will be able to deal with it. Right now instead of seeing me as strong I think my children see me as weak and dingy as knowing that H and OW see each other everyday makes me slightly wacko - it's kinda like a water torture.

Keep working on getting your own act together and if he can't do right by you then you are better off without him. At least then you know. I know exactly what you mean about being just plain miserable with the status quo.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Tigger114
♀ Member
Member # 13446
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All. Not visited here before but think Im going to feel at home. Little background. My WH works for the same firm as OW but not in the same department. So their paths would not cross in the normal working day. As you can see I have had a few d days the last one only 3 weeks ago. I do believe this time we are in R. We sent NC letter (which really Pissed her off by all accountslol!!). Since ringing my H a couple of days later to basically tell him she never wants to see him again he has killed her inside she has never loved anyone like him shes dead inside and hopes he ll be happy with his wife. (Well he had been for 20 odd years !!!) There has been nothing else. Now I have struggled for 14 months knowing they are in the same area.Ive also gone through what I now know to be false R. Im now really struggling with where he works. WH knows this and is doing all he can. But before I found out about the last lot of contact (4 tp 5 months on and off that I never picked up on)he would ring me from work as he knew I was uneasy. Funny thing is he was still in contact and sometimes meeting her at lunchtime or a few mins after work. What stratergies can I use to cope with this.


Me BS 42
Him WH 42
2 years on and off EA/PA
DDay 1 11/02/06
DDay 2 16/09/06
R since oct 06
DDay 3 27/04/07 (same OW)
DDay 4 11/10/07 Here we go again
DDay 5 07/02/08 Kicked him out all over bar the shouting now

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: England
sunrise1
♀ New Member
Member # 14647
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H still works with the OW. How do I deal with that? He would go to her before work (5:30am) have sex, then go to work with her. He describes almost as if he took a SH*T and then went to work. Why she didn't tell him to get lost is unknown to me. I am a little bitter today. My first day here. (9 weeks from d-day) Anyhooo, leaving his job is not an option right now and this is the hardest part for me to deal with. He has no verbal communication, but she is there walking around, chewing gum, laughing with her hens in the front of the office (which everyone knows all about the A) Any help for me out there???

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2007
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Sunrise and Tigger.

There are so many of us now.

What stratergies can I use to cope with this.

Each of us has to come up with our own way of dealing with this horrible situation.

For me, I became numb. I live on the Plain of Flatness now. I certainly don't recommend it, as its a pretty shitty way to live.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
hrtbroken
♀ New Member
Member # 14574
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to welcome the new members Tigger and Sunrise; Iím a pretty new member myself and I am so thankful to this board! Everyone has really given some great advice and been really supportive and I am very grateful. Tigger you asked what strategies can you use to deal with this; I think we all deal with it in different ways but certainly taking it one day at a time and just trying to make it through each day in one piece with our sanity and dignity intact is a major accomplishment. There are a roller coaster of emotions going on, anger, and sadness. All I can say is just try and stay sane and not let the emotions overcome you because it is very easy to go numb- I have been numb for so long but that is how I have survived. I agree with Emerald Eyes though- try not to get to that point if you can help it.

Anyway, this has been ongoing for me for a little over 2 years now and I because I wanted our marriage to work so badly I would give in and believe my H lies and agree to give it another shot and things would be okay for a while and we would be on the road to recovery and then Iíd catch him with the OW who is his coworker again. I just found out that he lied to me again this past Tuesday and met up with her and heís been calling her, all after he promised to finally cease all contact with her a few weeks ago. I canít go through this anymore. I donít want to be here in this situation 2 years from now begging him to stop seeing her. I donít want my children, all girls, to see me as this weak woman with no dignity or to think that it is okay for a woman to be treated like this. I certainly donít want to continue to feel like this because I donít like the person I have become. So I have decided to take a break from him. I need space and time to figure out what is best for me and my children away from him. We talked for a long time last night and he finally opened up to me and told me details about their A. Heís scared because he knows this is it, there are no guarantees that I will take him back. I made it very clear to him that it doesnít matter how much he tells me he loves me, or the fact that he told the OW at work that it is over and to not contact him or wait for him, etc., or all the promises that he makes to me regarding what he is going to do- everything from here on out, my decision on whether or not I want to continue on in our marriage is going to be based on his actions. Not what he says he is going to do, but what he actually does. Because I canít trust what comes out of his mouth anymore. He has lied to me so much over the last two years I donít trust anything he says when it comes to her or even us anymore. I can only go by his actions.

Me- 34 BS
Him- 37 WS
1st D-day 2/9/2006
2nd D-day 5/15/2007
A- 2 Ĺ years


Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
Tigger114
♀ Member
Member # 13446
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou for the welcomes. Yes coping one day at a time is what Im trying to do. I love it when the weekend is here and we are together. I have trouble believing too but I actually think this time he is sincere. I also think the OW has had enough as well which is a bonus. We did the NC letter and it really pissed her off and my WH is doing all he can to help ringing. If I do text he rings me straight away. I had a melt down Tuesday and told him I couldnt cope anymore . Tried getting him to look and think if he was in the same position how would he cope. We are trying to work out a way of doing this I know its not going to be easy but we have so much going for us . Hopefully OW has finally got the message that he willnot leave me . Think she has been pushing for that for a while. Finally she has the message that he wont be leaving me and that it is finally over. In some ways am glad we wont here from her again. In another way I hope she does turn nasty. then WH will see her for what she really is and we can then threaten legal action


Me BS 42
Him WH 42
2 years on and off EA/PA
DDay 1 11/02/06
DDay 2 16/09/06
R since oct 06
DDay 3 27/04/07 (same OW)
DDay 4 11/10/07 Here we go again
DDay 5 07/02/08 Kicked him out all over bar the shouting now

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: England
hrtbroken
♀ New Member
Member # 14574
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H still works with the OW. How do I deal with that?

Sunrise, that is going to be the hardest part of all of this. Knowing that your H is going to work and will be in contact with the OW every single dayóthere just isnít any way for you to have any closure or be able to move beyond this because she will still be a constant in your lives. You will always wonder is something going on, is there any temptation for him to meet up with her before work or after? Are they having any ďstolen momentsĒ in the office or hallway somewhere? I equate it to rubbing salt in an open wound for you. My H works with the OW too and they meet up together before work (anywhere between a few minutes up to 30 minutes) in the parking lot and then walk into the hospital together. More often than not they are sitting in one or the others vehicle doing who know what. They also go to the CCU together and work (just the two of them) very often. So they have the entire unit to themselves with the exception of 2-4 patients who are critically ill. They used to wait on each other after work but that stopped about 4 months ago. They work shifts so they are off a few days during the week; I work M-F so they were meeting on their days off when I was at work as well. This situation is one that gives you constant fear, doubt and anxiety because you canít ever stop worrying about the OW. She is essentially spending more time with your H than you are and just knowing that they are together kills you. I wouldnít recommend him staying at that job any longer than necessary. I know you said leaving his job is not an option; can he transfer to another department within his job? If not I would certainly demand that he cease any and all contact with her other than what is work related. I would demand that he not park next to her or meet up with her before or after work. Bottom line though is the sooner he gets away from her, and that means removing himself from that job the better it will be for you and your marriage. Trust me, after 2 years of my H and the OW working together and repeated broken promises, lies and betrayal when it came to the OW- the best thing for all would have been for him to have left his job when I first found out. He is just now admitting to me that she is to much of a temptation. You need to remove him from the temptation.


Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
sunrise1
♀ New Member
Member # 14647
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no place for my H to go in work. He is the second in command of the office. I can't move my children from their school and friends. We are in a holding pattern until she does something that warrents her being fired, or a layoff comes up (which may sooner than later) I do believe there is no verbal contact and he has such obvious hate in his heart for this girl now (I use girl because she is early 20's, H is 40) There is a fine line between love and hate, I know, but my gut tells me (and I am usually right) that this will not happen again (with her) But since she is the office wh*r#, and she is the one who told everyone she proably won't be going anywhere anytime soon, so I need to deal with this on my own. I appreciate all the kind words and advice, please keep them coming.

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2007
hrtbroken
♀ New Member
Member # 14574
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunrise believe me I understand when your H can't leave or maybe even refuses to leave his job. For the longest time my H felt he couldn't leave his job either because he was in charge. He didn't want to take a demotion by going to another department in the hospital or going to another hospital all together. An opportunity came up at a brand new hospital recently and I though my prayers had finally been answered only to find out that she was intending on going to that hospital as well (something he declined to tell me and I found out by accident). If your H is truly at the point that he has disdain for this woman then maybe all will be well- I pray it will be for you. But I would still be adament with him about the no contact rule- just to ensure that he doesn't give in to temptation again and to help alleviate any lingering worries for you.

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
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