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User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
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Sad  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An update on what is going on since I told my H I needed a break. My H wants us to work this through and save our marriage. I have heard this time and time again but he is actually being open with me and has come clean with a lot of things including when and how the A began (October of 2004-I found out about it 2/9/05.) I recently discovered it was still ongoing on May 15, 2007 after I issued an ultimatum to him around April 20th and he agreed to it. He has told me details of the A and why he feels the A started. I was able to ask him questions and he answered them. Apparently the PA ended about a 7 or 8 months ago but they continued an EA. Anyway, he is begging me for a final chance to show that he loves me and only me and that he is committed to our marriage. He seems to be taking responsability for his actions and feels sincere remorse.I am really confused right now because I can see that he is being sincere in wanting to show me that he is willing to do what it takes. He says that he understands that he screwed up and that he will do whatever it takes to earn my trust back and that he knows it won't happen over night and that he can only do that by showing me he can be trustworthy. He said he told her that they are not to see each other outside of work, and that all contact other than work related issues are to cease. He put in for a transfer to the ER on the opposite shift and that is going through in the next few weeks. Today was his first day back to work since he told her not to wait for him in the mornings- she did of course but he walked right by her. ( I was there this morning and watched it). He has said and done all of these things before though, time and time again and he has broken all of these promises to me time and time again. My gut says don't trust him and don't give him another chance but my heart says differently. But the problem is I don't want to end up with a broken heart in the end. I do still feel that a break is a good thing so that I can clear my head and figure out what I need to do.

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aggrrrhhhh. Sorry just need to vent. My WH knows I have a major problem with his work. His working day finishes at 5pm . He has had 2 to 3 months where over that period in time he has given his work about 3 to 4 days in total of overtime for no pay. As I have said before to him by being paid overtime it would show me where he is and give his family some much needed extra income. OK now forward to today. only 2 weeks after NC and he knows I freak . he rang at 4 45 terrrific and I so appreciate it. Said you wont be late will you. He said I just have a few bits to finish I say why is it always you. Other people will bolt out the door on a Friday night to get home why is it always left to you. Anyhow he says he wont be long. I text a 6pm saying ok whats going on are you there or down the pub. He rang back from his work phone so appreciated that but he cant see why I cannot get why he would give work another hour of free work. As I said to me it just shows as always he puts work beofre his family.

Me BS 42
Him WH 42
2 years on and off EA/PA
DDay 1 11/02/06
DDay 2 16/09/06
R since oct 06
DDay 3 27/04/07 (same OW)
DDay 4 11/10/07 Here we go again
DDay 5 07/02/08 Kicked him out all over bar the shouting now

Posts: 705 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: England
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Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't know what to do. We're committed to R, but he just doesn't GET why this matters to me. He's fixed their schedules so they don't see other except for a few hours, maybe 2, when their shifts overlap.
This is a MAJOR deal for me. He says he's planning on quitting, but has yet to look for something else or to turn in his notice.

What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel

Posts: 1675 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
Emerald Eyes
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Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Friday, everyone. We've got two days of freedom.

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
Emerald Eyes
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Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now we're back in our own verison of hell.

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got that right EE. Luckily the last two days H has been working from home except for his meetings (which no doubt included OW). Better than having him at the office all day though.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Helpless  Posted: 5:30 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 14 months I can not hold my head up high enough to make eye contact in this small town.
OW doesn't even live here but managed to stick around long enough after work or take the same days off together-----
his birthday is a great one.
He told me he was giving himself a treat on his Bday from now on
A male co-worker was treating him to a hockey game because my H is such a nice guy
Another was to go skiing with work employees again and Niagara Falls for a day
I believed everything
The reason for this is something I kept telling people
"People who give pain are in pain
A happy person wouldn't even think of doing any harm to anyone about anything."
At my work I was known as the advice giver
It makes me sick and just plain tired.
We still live in the same house (she would come and visit on days I worked)
in the same small town
and the same jobs
nothing has changed for me
He feels great and happy to be alive
I use to feel that every day that is how I became the momma of my department they respected my views.
I would tell them if you can not do it honestly than don't do it etc etc etc
I have told my H that death would have been better than this.
I can not finish my goals.
I even emailed her to tell her I wish she had met him earlier.
I am so jealous.
Now he says he loves me.
getting confused gotto go for a walk
Thank God for warmer weather
I walk every day for hours
Hate going home

Posts: 188 | Registered: May 2007 | From: canada
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Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Destiny -- I use to do the same thing -- I had to always keep moving. It does get easier.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone - Are we all in the midweek slump? I know I am plus I think PMSing. I always get very vivid dreams when I am and I had one last night about OW. Didn't need Freud to figure out that I still have A LOT of anger buried in me --- plus also a lot of insecurity in H and mine's relationship. H has actually been REAL GREAT lately but today I have a seminar that covers lunch. I hate when he knows I am somewhere for a fixed period of time - it gives him time for "whatever". Ironically though if hs is going to "whatever" - I just want to know. I don't want to be the fool again -- life is short I would rather just move on if that is what he is up to. --- Can you see that insecurity I was talking about?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is still working near/with OMM, and still fucking him several times a week during work hours and on the work premises.

We're going through D, but its slow going, and she's trying to do a parentectomy of me from my daughter's life. She even tried to sell the house to me in exchange for my daughter, to leave them alone forever.

OMM even promised to adopt my daughter to get me out of their future lives.

In short, WS and OMM will probably end up together, and he will scrap his marriage of 16 years and his two children for her, and my daughter will be raised by two serial adulterers (this is my WS' 5th affair in 2 marriages)..

...meanwhile I will end up funding their new lives together, while only getting to see my daughter for 8 days a month.

The whole system is completely fucked and gender-biased. I tried everything to save/fix this marriage, including counseling and reconciliation. My WS was still sleeping with OMM during the MC phase, denying it the whole way.

I've done nothing but support my family in social, financial and emotional ways, and now I'm going to get kicked in the arse for all my troubles.

WS is painting me as neglectful, manic, bipolar, psychotic and anything else she can pull out of her ass to try to make me look like the bad guy to Family Relations and the court system.

She outright lied to the judge and lawyers several times, and I refuted each of them as much as I could, but its getting tiring now. She's even lied to her boss about "off-site meetings", when she intended to spend a day out with OMM in a hotel and another city.

Its too bad adultery means absolutely nothing when it comes to divorce, custody or what is best for my daughter's future.


[This message edited by Technician at 1:29 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]

Posts: 324 | Registered: Dec 2005
Emerald Eyes
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Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my, technican, that's horrible! Its hard to believe in the justice system when things like this happen.

Hi Sharim, I know how you feel. Sometimes I think it'd jsut be easier to cut our losses now but Technician's post is a reminder that there is no easy way through this mess.

R is hard, D is hard. Hell, LIFE is hard, it seems.

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are some horrible stories. My heart goes out to everyone here, on this thread. Its rough.

I work with dp (ex-dp? who knows anymore) and the other woman. I have to see both of them everyday. Partner takes her breaks and lunches with this woman, never saying hello to me. The whole office knows, but doesnt say anything to me. I am humiliated everytime I step foot into work. I would quit, but I love my job. I dont think its up to me, I worked here first!

Any short term solutions?

Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Seattle
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Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ycfm - Although I understand your feelings of humiliation (I feel them too), we have to remember that there are a lot of us who have been through this but keep silent to the outside world (except on SI). You would probably be surprised how many people at work are supportive of you but will never say anything since that would divulge their own pain. My hairdresser went through a D because of her WS shortly after my D-Day. I never told her anything about my situation (that humiliation thing) but I was always supportive of her in telling her to take of herself, etc. Keep your head up!

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok gang - I need some input. I posted earlier about my having to go to a meeting today that kept me totally "out of commission". I always hate that because H knows that I won't be able to call him or anything. He had said earlier in the day that he had a lot of meetings. I tried to talk to him tonight after the kids went to bed about his day but he was pretty nonresponsive so I dropped it. We did have an exhausting evening with a nailbiter softball game with our daughter (her team won though!) and I understand when you are in meetings all day especially if they don't go really smoothly it is exhausting and you are kinda "talked out" at the end of the day.

So what gets me is I just checked his cell phone and all calls prior to 2:53 this afternoon are deleted (my meeting was 11-2). Aaargh - I just hate this. I never delete my calls on my phone - why does he have a need to delete? I hate to say anything about it because 1) he will know I still check (which he already knows I have done because one time I confronted him about a call) and 2) he will get mad that I am questioning because he has actually been real good until tonight when he was "nonresponsive" (he totally ignores me and pretends like he never heard the question).

Aargh - the aftermath of an A. I hate this. This is what will make me file for D. He will be working with OW until he retires (some 10 years away) and I get to go crazy all the time. What do you all think?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim, how do you know they were deleted, rather than that he turned his phone off during the meetings?

This kind of stuff just gets me all wound up. Some of the time, I can 'unwind' myself, and some of the time, I just have to calmly talk it over w/ my H. As time goes on, he has become less and less defensive, and really works with me to understand and defuse my fears. It helps immensely that I feel like I can bring this stuff up without him getting angry and shutting down.

This is the kind of thing that makes it so hard to have a coworker as an OP in your marriage--you can't stop wondering. Hope your day goes well today, Sharim

M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"

Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
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Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Melody - Well he had phone calls in his "recent calls" on Tuesday and then they all vanished on Wednesday -- starting up again with that 2:53 call. I don't think turning off the phone would delete those calls -- (he has a Nextel that is from his office so I can't get the bills). I'm not sure if his battery goes dead if it deletes the calls or not. He is "fine" this morning but I did leave him a note saying that I wanted to talk today. I hate this.

[This message edited by sharim at 10:47 AM, May 24th (Thursday)]

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He may be initially upset that you're checking, but if he has nothing to hide, that feeling will pass because he'll be able to be truthful with you.

If his only concern is that you're checking behind him, then quite frankly the chances are good that he's truly covering up something.

Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
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Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One week.....

School is out as of yesterday. What I'm betting are the hardest days are coming up...Tues, Wed and Thurs are teacher workdays. No kids, just teachers cleaning up for the year. Nothing keeping a teacher from wandering over to another teacher's room "just to say hi". Possibly some mandatory staff meetings. No way out of it that I can see. WH has no days off left. I guess it's possible she has some time, though - I will find out tonight.

In any case...if we can just get through till Thursday, she is OUTTA HERE! It will be so nice to be able to move forward knowing the daily risk of face-to-face contact is gone...

Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
Emerald Eyes
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Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 27th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhhh, Marie, Thursday can't come fast enough, can it?

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations Marie!!!

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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