We actually no longer even live in the same county as her because that was my ultimatum.
Oooh --- that is good -- how I would love that!! Preferably OW would be in Antarctica.
We have 3 more weeks until the year is over. I personally can't wait.
As of right now they are both coming back to the same school. I don't think they get the feeling of safety and what is required.
They used to meet at lunch and for 1/2 hour after school, and of course I love this part...the superintendents conference days where they have meetings for 1/2 day then "planning" for 1/2 day.
Too much time......
Well my story is we were planning on moving out of that county before anything happen. We had bought a house and were having to do some major, stressful remodeling and I think that coupled with other things set the entire A into motion but we left the county a little earlier than we expected because of his A. We were being harassed by her entire family and they were physically threatening him and myself and putting my children in terrible situations where they heard more than I ever wished they would but thankfully they are young enough most of it wasn't understood. It's odd though, even though we live quite a ways away from all of them I still find myself looking over my shoulder and going for the baseball bat if I hear anything strange in my house. I see women that look like her and feel instant rage or I see men than look like her brother (who is the one that actually threatened us) and I get petrified. It's not so much that I'm scared...well I guess a little bit but at this point in the reconcilliation I just don't want anymore drama! Sorry for being long-winded
We were in a major remodel on our house when all this happened too. I was having to deal with all the contractors while H was "dealing with" OW. I guess schools and remodels are a bad mix!
Sounds like you have a bit of "Fatal Attraction" on your hands.
One step toward freedom!
She showed up Thursday under the pretense of "saying goodbye" to our son (who was with him for half days at school that week). I warned him it would happen, but I guess he didn't believe me as it caught him off guard. He did, however, call me as soon as he could and told me about it. That means more to me than anything.
I'm now waiting for the post-school contact. In fact, I already know it's happened....the email is sitting in his box, he just hasn't read it yet (and therefore I can't read it). Our NC agreement wouldn't be broken if he read it...just if he responds. I'm hoping he will tell me about it.
Keeping my fingers crossed!
My FWH has one more week of work with the FOW. (Yea!!!)
However, I have never seen her. I popsted this kind of question on the general board but thought you might have some more insight with the whole working together thing. In the past, I have always gone to my H's school with the kids on one of the last days. Do I do it this year?
Part of me really wants to see her and wants her to see us as a family together. Part of me never wants to put a face to the OW. I have stopped thinking of her every second of the day. In fact, she is becoming less of a reality for me.
What's on my mind the most right now, mostly because people say it over and over in the Reconciliation Forum, is whether or not anyone can achieve NC in a workplace setting? Do you think it's possible for a WS to really commit to the concept of only speaking to OP on work-related topics?
For my part (in realizing that my WH has been conducting an A with a coworker for over a year now), I have not insisted he leave his job for a couple reasons. 1: He's worked hard to get to where he is (we both have!) and he likes what he does. And 2: I feel like there's no point... there will ALWAYS be females in his job world, so I feel like eliminating this one doesn't guarantee anything for me. Plus, even if he found another job, unless we moved away, they could still make plans to meet during the day. Sure, it would be harder, but as we all know, people having an affair will go to extraordinary efforts to find/make time for something they want.
So, for now, they still work together. I had hopes of OW leaving this summer (her position wasn't permanent), but the company has picked her up and will be sending her to another department. WH feels like this is just as good as them not working together (it is a HUGE company, very well known globally, and their office building has 40 some-odd floors). So, while their business cards will still have the same logo, she will work on another floor, in another group, and basically should have NO reason to contact my H for anything at all. Their work-paths should not cross.
So on the one hand, I'm pleased with that (it's a small score I guess), but on the other hand, I'm wondering when the "fishing" will start. For now, WH seems pretty confident in his ability to continue NC/UWR (No Contact/ Unless Work Related), but their primary method of communication was email and text messages. Distance does NOTHING for that. How long before she sends him an email to ask, oh-so-innocently, about the baby (I'm due in less than a week with #2)? How long before he sends HER an oh-so-innocent email just to see how she's doing in her new job (since he's a mentor/superior in their current work relationship)?
How do you get through the work week without losing your mind when your WS doesn't answer the office phone? I have access to his work email account through his BBRY, but I'm pretty sure he deletes all her emails. I've had complete access to his cell phone since dday#1, but dd#2 (2 weekends ago) happened when I found a "strange" cell phone (a pay-as-you-go) phone he'd picked up. It has since been out of commission, he seems very remorseful and committed to R... but I feel blank when it comes to him telling me about his interaction/contact with OW during the day. There is absolutely NO way for him to prove anything to me.
So I'm wondering how one manages to keep their sanity during the work week when the OW is still in the picture??
I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)
Now- I don't know. It sure is hard to take their word for anything. I struggle with it too. It sure sounds good about her transfer to another section of the company.
There are a few things that bother me- your H deletes e- mails? Just 2 weeks ago he had a secret cell phone? Perhaps he really is committed to R now. Perhaps there is still contact. I think for R to really occur with this whole work place situation- he needs to be COMPLETELY transparent. No deleteing ANY emails until you see them. IF there is fishing from OW- He forwards the email to you immediately. The OW sent a fishing email to my H about a week ago. H replied to her "Do not email me again" and cc'ed me so she would know that I know. He needs to tell you about ANY contact that occurs with her. Even if they pass in the hall.
So to answer your question- I don't know if this situation can ever work. My H too loves his job and worked hard to get where he is. However, He totally F'ed it up by having an A with someone at work. At first I thoughtI could live with it, but then changed my mind. Leaving his job is a must for me. True, there will always be women that he could meet at work. But he already has a "relationship" with this particular woman. And they work very closely together. I luckily have only 5 more days of them working together. Can't wait!
I agree with the whole transparency thing, and honestly... I have no idea if he's still deleting his emails from OW. I haven't even BOTHERED to look since dday#2 because I just sincerely don't trust him not to delete anything (I have NO way to access his work email during the day). It's the tragedy of a second dday... even if WH does step up to the plate and he starts showing me any and all emails, I'll STILL wonder if he's deleted something. So, in my own head, it's pointless to press to see these things because I just learned that seeing nothing doesn't mean there's nothing there.
As for him replying to a fishing email and cc'ing me on it... I would KILL for that, and I have even told him as much. I haven't been cc'd on anything yet... so either he's truthful when he says that contact between them has pretty much died out, or he's hiding again.
I agree that he needs to tell me about anything and everything, and I've specified that to him, and so far, he says he is telling me everything. So far, the only "fishing" that's gone on is when she stopped by her office and said she was getting some coffee downstairs... leaving it open for him to either go with her and get coffee, or ask her to bring something back. He says he said he was busy and didn't want anything. Of course, she then dropped a bomb about telling her roommate about the A with a married man right before she walked out of his office... and THAT worked. He eventually walked out of his office later that day to ask her how THAT conversation had gone. He told me he had deliberated abotu whether or not to go talk to her about this and thought he was making the right decision in going to see her to make sure he continued to drive home the point that their relationship was over. I pointed out to him that just by walking to her desk, he sent the message that he still cared. He finally agreed, apologized, said he'd "do better" seeing through her next time... and I told him not to feel bad, it's a learning experience, thanked him for telling me about it, etc etc. Nothing since... but then he was on a business trip for most of last week. -So was she (and yes, my mind has gone there plenty of times too).
Sorry... I feel like I'm just ranting here and I'll never get anywhere with this. Obviously it ALL comes down to him finding a way to earn back my trust, or I'm going to have to say it's your job or me... make a choice. I am definitely counting the days until she leaves his group (it's such a huge place, she might as well be in another company at that point), but I guess I'm just going to have to find a way for him to give me complete "transparency" in a way that feels like it's complete.
Thanks for your support and comments...
Now let me say one more thing. And no offense to any man out there--- but men are dumb. By that I mean, they don't understand signals and innuendo like women do. We just think differently! Your H went over to OW's desk- not knowing that he was giving her a signal. Good- I'm glad he could see that ANY contact other than work issues are off limits. A few weeks ago, OW made my H lunch and brought it to him. H thought it was OK to eat it as long as they didn't eat together! My God! I gave my H this advice when it comes to contact with OW: "Would I be angry if I found out about it?" If the answer is yes, it is probably innappropriate contact.
Actually right at this minute, H and OW are in a meeting together.....GRRRR!!!!
Seriously, any time you need to talk, feel free. Some times I go crazy thinking of them at work!!
I feel like after dday#1, I gave him the opportunity to "prove" to me in any way he could that he loved me and was going to do what he could to end the relationship between him and his coworker. He told me he loved me, he told me they barely saw each other, he gave me access to his emails and phone account, etc etc. And then I find out that it's ALL a lie. I feel like since dday#2, if he wants to restore my faith in him a little faster, I really need something concrete. I need something I can hold in my hands to look at and say, hey... he sent this to her to her and that stands for something. I want him to understand that I'm holding it together day-to-day because he's "saying" all the right things... but I really wonder if I'll ever be able to fully let go of my doubts without some kind of higher-level of effort THIS time around.
I definitely get the sense that he's committed to R and wishes this whole mess with OW would just go away... but I still feel like he owes me something. Am I being unreasonable? I mean, she's leaving anyway, so why rock the boat and risk her flipping out over something he's WRITTEN to her and jeoparidizing not only her job, but his job as well? She's completely immature, and while I would be completely happy with her ruining her own life, I think she's done enough damage to mine. Maybe this is one of those situations where it's best to "let sleeping dogs lie" and not push the issue of a NC letter? Would it serve ANY purpose other than my own ego gratification to know that she had it spelled out for her that she is no longer allowed to participate in his life as anything more than another face of a stranger in the hall in that enormous office building?
[This message edited by ms521 at 2:04 PM, June 11th (Monday)]
WH works with OW#3. I think their shifts originally overlapped, that he started at 8pm and she was off at midnight. He got a promotion which required him to move to days. I was happy with that. Despite less income, it meant their hours overlapped far less.
After six months, a schedule change put him back on nights, and lo and behold, it comes out that she'd gotten herself moved to days. It could be pure coincidence, of course. He swears to me that she's mooning over one of the other men in his department.
Anyway... I have come to HATE the sight of the place he works. I find that my stress level increases a bit on the nights he works and relaxes during his 'weekends.' It shoots way up if he ever goes in during the day. He SAYS he never sees her, but he's told me that before and then it's slipped out that actually he 'only' sees her when he stops by her desk to say hello. Quite a far cry from 'never.'
I think about demanding or suggesting that he find a job elsewhere. But this is the third secret friend I know about. So a large part of me says, stay with the devil you know. He is the common denominator, and at least I know something about the person and situation I'm dealing with now.
Anyone else feel this way?
[This message edited by sharim at 1:45 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]