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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We actually no longer even live in the same county as her because that was my ultimatum.

Oooh --- that is good -- how I would love that!! Preferably OW would be in Antarctica.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
jmac205
♂ Member
Member # 12341
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mouse,

We have 3 more weeks until the year is over. I personally can't wait.

As of right now they are both coming back to the same school. I don't think they get the feeling of safety and what is required.

They used to meet at lunch and for 1/2 hour after school, and of course I love this part...the superintendents conference days where they have meetings for 1/2 day then "planning" for 1/2 day.

Too much time......


Posts: 142 | Registered: Oct 2006
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We actually no longer even live in the same county as her because that was my ultimatum.
Oooh --- that is good -- how I would love that!! Preferably OW would be in Antarctica.

Well my story is we were planning on moving out of that county before anything happen. We had bought a house and were having to do some major, stressful remodeling and I think that coupled with other things set the entire A into motion but we left the county a little earlier than we expected because of his A. We were being harassed by her entire family and they were physically threatening him and myself and putting my children in terrible situations where they heard more than I ever wished they would but thankfully they are young enough most of it wasn't understood. It's odd though, even though we live quite a ways away from all of them I still find myself looking over my shoulder and going for the baseball bat if I hear anything strange in my house. I see women that look like her and feel instant rage or I see men than look like her brother (who is the one that actually threatened us) and I get petrified. It's not so much that I'm scared...well I guess a little bit but at this point in the reconcilliation I just don't want anymore drama! Sorry for being long-winded


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops - I actually thought you said "country" first but I sure would settle for at least "county".

We were in a major remodel on our house when all this happened too. I was having to deal with all the contractors while H was "dealing with" OW. I guess schools and remodels are a bad mix!

Sounds like you have a bit of "Fatal Attraction" on your hands.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As of today, FWW no longer will work closely with the FOM.

One step toward freedom!


TR


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 20487 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WooHoo!!!!! Congratulations TrulyReconciled! I sure hope this is contagious!!!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
MarieD
♀ Member
Member # 14450
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it wasn't perfect but it is OVER...

She showed up Thursday under the pretense of "saying goodbye" to our son (who was with him for half days at school that week). I warned him it would happen, but I guess he didn't believe me as it caught him off guard. He did, however, call me as soon as he could and told me about it. That means more to me than anything.

I'm now waiting for the post-school contact. In fact, I already know it's happened....the email is sitting in his box, he just hasn't read it yet (and therefore I can't read it). Our NC agreement wouldn't be broken if he read it...just if he responds. I'm hoping he will tell me about it.

Keeping my fingers crossed!


Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations to you too MarieD! But what is it with the OW -- she sure seems pretty full of herself -- does she not understand "BUTT OUT!"?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
mouse62400
♀ Member
Member # 14311
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for all of you:

My FWH has one more week of work with the FOW. (Yea!!!)

However, I have never seen her. I popsted this kind of question on the general board but thought you might have some more insight with the whole working together thing. In the past, I have always gone to my H's school with the kids on one of the last days. Do I do it this year?

Part of me really wants to see her and wants her to see us as a family together. Part of me never wants to put a face to the OW. I have stopped thinking of her every second of the day. In fact, she is becoming less of a reality for me.

Any thoughts?


D-Day 4/14/07
Me: BW 39
FWH:39
Married 7 years-together 9
2 children (girl 4 & boy 5)
FSOW: 24 yr old coworker
Divorcing

Posts: 187 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Chicago
instinctuallady
♀ Member
Member # 11434
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go, don't let the A change your normal routine. If you've done it every other year - Do It. I regret and Resent 'pulling back' and removing myself from situations where I might see her.
You will not be sure how your going to feel emotionally, that's the wild card. Put a 'face' to you and your family, maybe 'reality' will slap her in the face! (I hope so!)


instincuallady

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should go too. It may not do a thing for her but it will help you to present family unity and it will help your H too, I think. My H and I had a big break-through talk last night and he told me that he wished that I would have come up to visit him more at work even though he never hinted at it before. So go and be happy!!!


Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 10th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow!! I wish I'd seen this thread months ago! I was starting to feel like it was a rare thing to have to deal with your WS having continued contact with the OW.

What's on my mind the most right now, mostly because people say it over and over in the Reconciliation Forum, is whether or not anyone can achieve NC in a workplace setting? Do you think it's possible for a WS to really commit to the concept of only speaking to OP on work-related topics?

For my part (in realizing that my WH has been conducting an A with a coworker for over a year now), I have not insisted he leave his job for a couple reasons. 1: He's worked hard to get to where he is (we both have!) and he likes what he does. And 2: I feel like there's no point... there will ALWAYS be females in his job world, so I feel like eliminating this one doesn't guarantee anything for me. Plus, even if he found another job, unless we moved away, they could still make plans to meet during the day. Sure, it would be harder, but as we all know, people having an affair will go to extraordinary efforts to find/make time for something they want.

So, for now, they still work together. I had hopes of OW leaving this summer (her position wasn't permanent), but the company has picked her up and will be sending her to another department. WH feels like this is just as good as them not working together (it is a HUGE company, very well known globally, and their office building has 40 some-odd floors). So, while their business cards will still have the same logo, she will work on another floor, in another group, and basically should have NO reason to contact my H for anything at all. Their work-paths should not cross.

So on the one hand, I'm pleased with that (it's a small score I guess), but on the other hand, I'm wondering when the "fishing" will start. For now, WH seems pretty confident in his ability to continue NC/UWR (No Contact/ Unless Work Related), but their primary method of communication was email and text messages. Distance does NOTHING for that. How long before she sends him an email to ask, oh-so-innocently, about the baby (I'm due in less than a week with #2)? How long before he sends HER an oh-so-innocent email just to see how she's doing in her new job (since he's a mentor/superior in their current work relationship)?

How do you get through the work week without losing your mind when your WS doesn't answer the office phone? I have access to his work email account through his BBRY, but I'm pretty sure he deletes all her emails. I've had complete access to his cell phone since dday#1, but dd#2 (2 weekends ago) happened when I found a "strange" cell phone (a pay-as-you-go) phone he'd picked up. It has since been out of commission, he seems very remorseful and committed to R... but I feel blank when it comes to him telling me about his interaction/contact with OW during the day. There is absolutely NO way for him to prove anything to me.

So I'm wondering how one manages to keep their sanity during the work week when the OW is still in the picture??


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
jaykaydee
♀ Member
Member # 14855
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX was the boss of the OW. I think a big clue of how you will know if they are having contact is if he changes - loook at his behavior on Sunday and then on the next Friday. Mine would freeze me out. I couldn't understand why, but of course now it all makes sense. No harm in his putting is resume out there either in case something good comes up at another company.


ME- BS 41
HIM - WS 39
OW - employee of WS
DDay 2/9/07



Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Manchester, CT
mouse62400
♀ Member
Member # 14311
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MS-I agree with Jay. Watch the attitude. My H did the total freeze-out too. He had a pattern of recommiting to the M on the weekend but by about Wednesday he would "no longer be able to deny his feelings for OW" That was before real NC.

Now- I don't know. It sure is hard to take their word for anything. I struggle with it too. It sure sounds good about her transfer to another section of the company.

There are a few things that bother me- your H deletes e- mails? Just 2 weeks ago he had a secret cell phone? Perhaps he really is committed to R now. Perhaps there is still contact. I think for R to really occur with this whole work place situation- he needs to be COMPLETELY transparent. No deleteing ANY emails until you see them. IF there is fishing from OW- He forwards the email to you immediately. The OW sent a fishing email to my H about a week ago. H replied to her "Do not email me again" and cc'ed me so she would know that I know. He needs to tell you about ANY contact that occurs with her. Even if they pass in the hall.

So to answer your question- I don't know if this situation can ever work. My H too loves his job and worked hard to get where he is. However, He totally F'ed it up by having an A with someone at work. At first I thoughtI could live with it, but then changed my mind. Leaving his job is a must for me. True, there will always be women that he could meet at work. But he already has a "relationship" with this particular woman. And they work very closely together. I luckily have only 5 more days of them working together. Can't wait!



D-Day 4/14/07
Me: BW 39
FWH:39
Married 7 years-together 9
2 children (girl 4 & boy 5)
FSOW: 24 yr old coworker
Divorcing

Posts: 187 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Chicago
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Mouse & Jay -

I agree with the whole transparency thing, and honestly... I have no idea if he's still deleting his emails from OW. I haven't even BOTHERED to look since dday#2 because I just sincerely don't trust him not to delete anything (I have NO way to access his work email during the day). It's the tragedy of a second dday... even if WH does step up to the plate and he starts showing me any and all emails, I'll STILL wonder if he's deleted something. So, in my own head, it's pointless to press to see these things because I just learned that seeing nothing doesn't mean there's nothing there.

As for him replying to a fishing email and cc'ing me on it... I would KILL for that, and I have even told him as much. I haven't been cc'd on anything yet... so either he's truthful when he says that contact between them has pretty much died out, or he's hiding again.

I agree that he needs to tell me about anything and everything, and I've specified that to him, and so far, he says he is telling me everything. So far, the only "fishing" that's gone on is when she stopped by her office and said she was getting some coffee downstairs... leaving it open for him to either go with her and get coffee, or ask her to bring something back. He says he said he was busy and didn't want anything. Of course, she then dropped a bomb about telling her roommate about the A with a married man right before she walked out of his office... and THAT worked. He eventually walked out of his office later that day to ask her how THAT conversation had gone. He told me he had deliberated abotu whether or not to go talk to her about this and thought he was making the right decision in going to see her to make sure he continued to drive home the point that their relationship was over. I pointed out to him that just by walking to her desk, he sent the message that he still cared. He finally agreed, apologized, said he'd "do better" seeing through her next time... and I told him not to feel bad, it's a learning experience, thanked him for telling me about it, etc etc. Nothing since... but then he was on a business trip for most of last week. -So was she (and yes, my mind has gone there plenty of times too).

Sorry... I feel like I'm just ranting here and I'll never get anywhere with this. Obviously it ALL comes down to him finding a way to earn back my trust, or I'm going to have to say it's your job or me... make a choice. I am definitely counting the days until she leaves his group (it's such a huge place, she might as well be in another company at that point), but I guess I'm just going to have to find a way for him to give me complete "transparency" in a way that feels like it's complete.

Thanks for your support and comments...


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
mouse62400
♀ Member
Member # 14311
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep- MS- I had a 2nd d-day too. Totally stinks. I'm pretty sure it hurt more than when I found out about the A. I started to trust him again and BAM! Rug pulled out from under you.

Now let me say one more thing. And no offense to any man out there--- but men are dumb. By that I mean, they don't understand signals and innuendo like women do. We just think differently! Your H went over to OW's desk- not knowing that he was giving her a signal. Good- I'm glad he could see that ANY contact other than work issues are off limits. A few weeks ago, OW made my H lunch and brought it to him. H thought it was OK to eat it as long as they didn't eat together! My God! I gave my H this advice when it comes to contact with OW: "Would I be angry if I found out about it?" If the answer is yes, it is probably innappropriate contact.

Actually right at this minute, H and OW are in a meeting together.....GRRRR!!!!

Seriously, any time you need to talk, feel free. Some times I go crazy thinking of them at work!!


D-Day 4/14/07
Me: BW 39
FWH:39
Married 7 years-together 9
2 children (girl 4 & boy 5)
FSOW: 24 yr old coworker
Divorcing

Posts: 187 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Chicago
ms521
♀ Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mouse - I just read your profile and I'm curious as to how your WH approached the NC letter to OW? Did he initiate it? Did you force him to do it? Even though OW is leaving the office in another few weeks, part of me would still LOVE to see a NC letter (or listen in to an NC phone call, or sit in on an NC meeting) that my WH would give to OW. I would love for him to outline the specific boundaries of allowable contact between the two of them for the future, and I would also like for him to confess to her that *I* know everything she does. In fact, I would like her to know I know more than she thinks I do (like I want her to know that the stuff she confided in him... he shared with me). I feel like it would be a great gesture for him to do something like this, but I haven't gotten to the point of insisting, and he hasn't volunteered (of course... as you say, "men ARE stupid," so maybe thinking of something like this on his own is unlikely).

I feel like after dday#1, I gave him the opportunity to "prove" to me in any way he could that he loved me and was going to do what he could to end the relationship between him and his coworker. He told me he loved me, he told me they barely saw each other, he gave me access to his emails and phone account, etc etc. And then I find out that it's ALL a lie. I feel like since dday#2, if he wants to restore my faith in him a little faster, I really need something concrete. I need something I can hold in my hands to look at and say, hey... he sent this to her to her and that stands for something. I want him to understand that I'm holding it together day-to-day because he's "saying" all the right things... but I really wonder if I'll ever be able to fully let go of my doubts without some kind of higher-level of effort THIS time around.

I definitely get the sense that he's committed to R and wishes this whole mess with OW would just go away... but I still feel like he owes me something. Am I being unreasonable? I mean, she's leaving anyway, so why rock the boat and risk her flipping out over something he's WRITTEN to her and jeoparidizing not only her job, but his job as well? She's completely immature, and while I would be completely happy with her ruining her own life, I think she's done enough damage to mine. Maybe this is one of those situations where it's best to "let sleeping dogs lie" and not push the issue of a NC letter? Would it serve ANY purpose other than my own ego gratification to know that she had it spelled out for her that she is no longer allowed to participate in his life as anything more than another face of a stranger in the hall in that enormous office building?

[This message edited by ms521 at 2:04 PM, June 11th (Monday)]


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
mouse62400
♀ Member
Member # 14311
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MS- I sent you a PM. Hope all is well.


D-Day 4/14/07
Me: BW 39
FWH:39
Married 7 years-together 9
2 children (girl 4 & boy 5)
FSOW: 24 yr old coworker
Divorcing

Posts: 187 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Chicago
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saying hello--

WH works with OW#3. I think their shifts originally overlapped, that he started at 8pm and she was off at midnight. He got a promotion which required him to move to days. I was happy with that. Despite less income, it meant their hours overlapped far less.

After six months, a schedule change put him back on nights, and lo and behold, it comes out that she'd gotten herself moved to days. It could be pure coincidence, of course. He swears to me that she's mooning over one of the other men in his department.

Anyway... I have come to HATE the sight of the place he works. I find that my stress level increases a bit on the nights he works and relaxes during his 'weekends.' It shoots way up if he ever goes in during the day. He SAYS he never sees her, but he's told me that before and then it's slipped out that actually he 'only' sees her when he stops by her desk to say hello. Quite a far cry from 'never.'

I think about demanding or suggesting that he find a job elsewhere. But this is the third secret friend I know about. So a large part of me says, stay with the devil you know. He is the common denominator, and at least I know something about the person and situation I'm dealing with now.

Anyone else feel this way?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops double post

[This message edited by sharim at 1:45 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]


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