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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Capri - I read your profile and you've got nerves of steel.

Although I would love to move or have my H find a different job there is a little bit of me that does think "well at least I know about this one" and therefore am "on guard". I don't know if there have been others but in looking back there are times that I now wonder. There was one incident before we were married when we were kinda breaking up but not really and he proved what a liar he could be -- I know I should have seen those red flags.

Actually after having a wonderful few weeks, WH comes home from work last night practically spitting nails at me. That always bothers me because I have no idea what contact OW has with him or whether she is still pursuing him. My mind goes wild though. The only good thing (if you can call it that) is that he would do this way pre-A (dummy me just put up with it) so it could be totally un A related. However, I told him after D-Day that I would not go back to the way our marriage was before so he's got some explaining to do.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Sharim,

I'm not sure about the nerves of steel. It's been a long battle with lots of depression and suicidal thoughts, from which I've only really pulled myself in the last 4 or 6 months.

It was perhaps more gullibility. It's only in the last two or so years that it's really come out, bit by bit. And it's a matter of where else am I going to go, and do I want to hurt my children?

About 16 months ago, WH totally embarrassed himself and OW#3 (her mommy got involved, calling him at work and demanding that he and I get MC! ). He told me things were extremely awkward between them. Well... good!

I have also strenuously pointed out the amazing coincidence of the flattened tires a year ago October after he let her know the friendship was entirely over, and the amazing coincidence of someone who works in his place of employment in OW3's department, with OW3's same exact issues, showing up at our marriage counselor.

He says it's all me jumping to ridiculous conclusions, of course, but you would think that would be enough of a jolt to him, at least have him wondering what she's capable of, that he would be more careful in his friendships from now on.

Those are a couple reasons I'm closer to 'OK' than I might otherwise be, with them still working together. ETA: obviously, from my first post, it doesn't entirely ease my fears. Maybe it's just what I tell myself to deal with it, because I think he'd kick up a huge fuss if I demanded it.

[This message edited by capri at 2:52 PM, June 12th (Tuesday)]


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
mouse62400
♀ Member
Member # 14311
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H had last day of work today with OW!!!!!!

He isn't home yet. He assured me that if OW tried to "say godbye" or have any personal conversation, he would tell her it isn't appropriate and walk away.

I'll let you know!!!!


D-Day 4/14/07
Me: BW 39
FWH:39
Married 7 years-together 9
2 children (girl 4 & boy 5)
FSOW: 24 yr old coworker
Divorcing

Posts: 187 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Chicago
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YAY MOUSE!!!!!!!

I'm so happy for you. Maybe true healing can begin now.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
dancingmuppet
♀ Member
Member # 14809
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone

just wondering if anyone else does this? I hate it when Dh tells me anything the ow has said to him but when he doesn't mention her it drives me mad what they may have talked about. The poor guy can't win! It's not helped by the fact they are away on a school trip together at the moment (with other staff).
He did ring me last night to say that although he is worried about changing jobs he has been trying to think of it from my point of view (finally) and he thinks it would be better for the family if we did


Me: BW 34
Him: FWS 35
DDay : 12/28/06

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2007 | From: UK
mouse62400
♀ Member
Member # 14311
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Muppet

First of all, great news that H is thinking of getting a new job. That is a huge step and a postive one for both of you.

To answer your question, yes. It drives me NUTS when H does not mention OW. What is he not telling me?? Yet, every time he tells me about his department (how great it is- she is in it) I want to scream!


D-Day 4/14/07
Me: BW 39
FWH:39
Married 7 years-together 9
2 children (girl 4 & boy 5)
FSOW: 24 yr old coworker
Divorcing

Posts: 187 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Chicago
brokenbridges
♀ Member
Member # 15016
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is me and my situation... if anyone wants to talk, please PM me!!


He gives new meaning to "the boss's pet"

Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2007
rkr100105
New Member
Member # 15077
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are long distance so I get to see him 2 days a week, she gets to see him 5 days a week. He used to work directly with her every day. Now she works nights so she can only e-mail, call, or text him. My H says they now only talk about work. We are working on R. He now has to work the night shift for two weeks. HELP!

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2007
MarieD
♀ Member
Member # 14450
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations to you too MarieD! But what is it with the OW -- she sure seems pretty full of herself -- does she not understand "BUTT OUT!"?

She is VERY full of herself. From what I can tell deep down she is horribly insecure and uses this "I'm great" stuff to cover for it.

Her general statement to WH from the time he said he chose me was "you might be back with your wife now, but you're still thinking of me and you still want me, because I'm amazing".

She hasn't emailed in 3 weeks though....so perhaps she got the message.


Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She hasn't emailed in 3 weeks though....so perhaps she got the message.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I think the OW in my case thinks very high of herself also. I saw a post it on some work papers of H's that had his name and then a smiley face on it. I am not 100% positive but the handwriting did look like OW's. I haven't asked H about it cuz then he will know that I looked at his stuff.

OW also has that Hinder song "Lips of an Angel" on her myspace page. Dummy her doesn't realize that the guy is singing to his wife but it still bothers me. Evidently she thinks she is so irresistable that no one can stay faithful around her. Don't mean to turn this into an OW vent but heck -- it's MONDAY!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And we all HATE Mondays, Shiram.

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
HEADSPIN
♀ Member
Member # 14886
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope that my insight might offer some hope, or I may get smashed into little bits by you guys, but here goes. I was the WS who worked with the OM. I still work with him. The affair ended over a year ago. But now I am now the BS whos WH works with the OW. So I'm getting a taste of my own medicine to say the least. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but that it can be done. It is not easy, but me and the xOM, have only minimal business contact. We go to great lengths to avoid one another. I want nothing to do with him, in fact if he were to utter a single non-business word I would probably kick him in the nuts. And vice versa, he wants nothing to do with me.
Sometimes situations absolutly prevent someone from changing jobs. My job did just that. But for those of you who wonder if it can be done with honesty and integrity, YES. It would never be my first choice, but It is being done.
And for those of you laughing at me saying I got what I deserved-now that my husband has had an affair with a coworker -Yes I probably did. And I know it takes every ounce of strength to send him to work on Monday to be near her for 10 hours a day.
But I know that commitment can be made to have NC or strictly business contact only-I'm living proof.
Please don't hate me, I'm part of the club now. I just wanted to let you know that It could be done.

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
mouse62400
♀ Member
Member # 14311
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 30th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Headspin:

Thanks for your honesty.


D-Day 4/14/07
Me: BW 39
FWH:39
Married 7 years-together 9
2 children (girl 4 & boy 5)
FSOW: 24 yr old coworker
Divorcing

Posts: 187 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Chicago
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 30th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Headspin - Great to hear the encouragement. I think I know if it were "me" I could do it -- just always have doubts about other peoples' intentions and don't know if "they" can do it. Hope it all works out for you.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the insight, Headspin. Its nice to hear from someone who maintains NC. I think it will give us all hope that if you can do it, so can our WS's.

And no, regardless of what you've done in the past, no one deserves this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
HEADSPIN
♀ Member
Member # 14886
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading the heart ache that goes on here and by experiencing my own, it makes me more determined than ever to maintain NC. I'm so sorry for what I have done. I wish his wife could see how ashamed I am. I wish she new how sorry I am to have ruined her marriage-to have changed her life forever.

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
worm1022
♀ Member
Member # 15052
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by worm1022 at 9:51 AM, July 7th (Saturday)]


Me-BS: 38
DB(douche bag) - WH - 34
Kids: 2 wonderful boys - 3 and 5
D-day - 3/26/07
OW - married w/2 teeny kids.
Trying like hell to divorce.
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: PA
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Headspin - thank you, that helped.


TR


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 20487 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought I'd pop in and say hello! FSOW's contract is officially up and she leaves the state sometime this month (New England look out, psycho-whore's a coming). Yay!

Dang Worm, all these new WS teachers *are* popping up. FWH and FSOW are both teachers. We're still dealing with the rumors and fall-out. One of his students actually asked him the other day "So, did Miss. Psycho-Whore have a crush on you or something last year? Whenever we bring up your class in front of her, she changes the subject."
All the kids know (so does the faculty) it's so humiliating. The only good thing is that they all comment on the fact that Miss. Psycho-whore isn't very pretty or nice and that his wife is super hot. At least I've got that. Getting involved in an A with a co-worker is dumb enough, why would you do it and involve children? Seriously?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
Lalaland
♀ Member
Member # 8248
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey- don't send them our way! (New England). I'm just posting on this thread for the first time. My H had his A with a coworker- they worked at different sites and continued to work there after dday. I was fortunate enuf that she moved to another country. I was very clear with him and he accomodated- NC utterly except when no other way. Even tho she's gone he and I still have issues/humiliation re: other coworkers knowledge. Recently he went camping with some of the guys he trusts and brought it up. They acted as if they didn't know- I don't know how to get over the hump of humiliation. Any advice?


D-Day 8/1/05
http://wendychaserofmarriedmen.blogspot.com-come visit!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: New England
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