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User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
lostandfound
♂ Member
Member # 16099
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohh Boy...I could curl up in this thread and spend the rest of my days here: she left me...her boss left his wife 4 weeks later.....she lost her job but got another with a different firm in the same Industry a week later....they might ride off into the sunset in his Mercedes Convertible and live happily ever after....she doesn't want our wedding china ,xmas decorations....or anything that respects what was good in our relationship...She's trying to playing the victim....and I was the one that got BOMBED BY Suprise!!! She takes her 130K a year and joins her 200K Sugar Daddy. No more strength tonight...keeping my game face on all day at work is my MAX.He's a lying beady eyed scumb bag....he took my wife,broke my family up, and ended my dreams of reaping the benefits of 22 years of busting my hump!!We just became empty nesters. He played her like a fiddle...was supportive..the father she never had...what a freaking mess. we are in the middle of Separation agreement...back and forth between Lawyers. She's gone and not coming back obviously...it's like trying to swallow a brick....totally unacceptable. How could i ever for forgive her or want to forgive her...and she wants to be friends???


Treat others the way you like to be treated, it came back in spades for me!!! I keep getting back up...and I will continue to do so...I promise you that!! They'll have to kill me to keep me DOWN!!

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Great White North
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I'd like to ask you all who live with this tension all the time--Do you ever feel like your fws is protecting your marriage at work by avoiding personal conversations w/ fow, but still feel like YOU are unprotected when your spouse doesn't actively rebuff fow's overtures? If so, how do you deal w/ that?

I know my H is doing a great job w/ walls, but he still works pretty closely w/ her in a high stress job. She will periodically let him know that she misses his friendship, and make various overtures. He avoids reacting, hoping she'll just take the hint, and he won't have to hurt her feelings. To his credit, he has told me of these overtures. He's leaving the job at the end of the year, thankfully, but she even asked me to arrange a surprise party for him w/ her! He said it's just because she planned a party for another coworker when he turned 50, and that's just the way she is, it wasn't because of their relationship. I still think it's pretty disrespectful to me, but he doesn't see it. What do you think, am I being overly sensitive? Hit me with the 2 x 4's!

[This message edited by melody at 2:07 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)]


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melody, does the rest of your H's workplace know about the affair? If not, and this is just my opinion, maybe he's trying to keep up appearances. Like, if she really does throw parties for others, he doesn't want to raise suspicion if he stops her from arranging one. Though I think her calling you is tremendously tacky. Maybe he just wants to keep things low until he can leave.

In the beginning after the A was revealed, I did feel unprotected by my FWH. It seemed that he felt sorry for the OW (she's young and clueless, but I also think she's devious and desperate). But as time went on in our case, her "naivety" (spelling?) wore on him, and he began to see her for what she really is. He gradually cut off all communication with her other than absolutely necessary at work. Even went so far as to tell her to get out of his office. The last time she tried to engage him in conversation about her pregancy was a month ago. At that time, he told her in no uncertain terms that he knew he was not the father, SHE knew he was not the father, he wasn't playing her games anymore, and if she wanted to drag it out until after the baby was born, she'll have to get a court order for his DNA sample. Since then, nothing. Sure, he hears about things she'll say at work to other coworkers, but she has not approached him personally. I'm still waiting, though. She's not due until February.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the response, RV. You sound a lot stronger than I am! My husband's affair was 'only' emotional, and he still has some feelings for her--his reasoning is that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by affirmatively telling her to cut it out--she was there for him when he needed her. I can understand, but it leaves me feeling like her feelings matter more to him than mine--stupid way to look at it, I know. I can certainly understand his reasoning, but I can't seem to stop the irrational response I have.


After more than a year of requesting disclosure whenever they have a non work related contact, I finally asked him last week to just not tell me anything about her anymore--if I don't know, it can't hurt me, and I trust that he's not going to allow it to go back to the way it was before. I just am on pins and needles every day he works w/ her.

I've been away from this board for a while--it seems like this thread isn't as active. Maybe that's a good sign?


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melody, your feelings count, you know. You're not having irrational fears, or being silly, what you're feeling is real to you, and important. I would be on pins and needles in your spot, too, in all honesty. Does your husband reassure you? Or does he ridicule you? It's important that he treats your feelings with respect, as well.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this thread b/c my h wasn't working with the fmow until this Sept. He had a lta with her but was working in a different location. Now, b/c of a shake up, he and she work out of the the same office. They both work the field but have meetings once a month. This Wed. is a meeting. I am planning on meeting my h after b/c we have tickets to a concert. Should I mark my territory by meeting him inside or should I wait in the parking lot? I kind of want to make my presence known. I would not make a scene. BTW this affair was for 9 and a half years and has been over for a little more than 3 years.

Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NMS - I would definitely meet him inside. I think it is easy for the BS to be a "non-person" in the eyes of the OW. I would definitely show that you are a person.

Melody - Interesting that you said you were thinking of asking your H to not say anything about OW. My H hadn't mentioned OW in ages (although I think sometimes he would change her name to their boss' name when he would talk about work with me) and yesterday he mentioned her in a work context. It kinda made me realize that "yes, she still is there" - I guess I was kinda getting in my bubble that maybe this was all just one horrible nightmare. I kinda feel like asking my H to never use her name around me unless it is to tell me she no longer works there, has had some horrible tragedy befall her (that ol' Karma bus) or is dead. But then I hate to have him know that I even spend one second thinking about her (which I spend more like a bazillion and I know I shouldn't but I have gotten to that point yet) or that he has to censor his conversations with me (and oh yeah they had could communicate ) so I'm not sure what to do.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RV, thanks for the reassurances. He does care about my feelings, but it saddens him to see me sad, and it's a vicious circle. He wonders if he'd ever be able to make anyone happy, then thinks about whether he'd make her happy, and that adds to the tension between them. I can't just stop, though. What would make me happy would be to feel like he hasn't left a part of himself open to her. He is working so hard at being loving with me, but he has also been pretty open about the fact that he still cares for her.

nms, I'd go inside, too, I think. Will he go out of his way to be welcoming to you? When I go to my husband's workplace, he is usually very welcoming. Sometimes, I think he feels a little awkward, but a couple of times, he has been openly affectionate with me, regardless of whether she is there or not. It helps enormously to feel like he's not worried about her feelings, and will kiss me or hold my hand in front of her. Lately, though, he hasn't been inviting me when she's working w/ him. I don't know if it's just coincidence, or if he was just uncomfortable w/ my tension.

Sharim, I think at this point, I'd rather be in my bubble, forgetting she exists. I still know what days they are working together, and of course, I wonder, but he is going out of his way to be loving and caring w/ me when he is at home, so I am holding on to that.

Since he is leaving this place at the end of the year, I told him that once he leaves, if he thinks he can never talk to her again, and basically not look back, I'll be great. If he feels like he misses her, or continues to try to protect her feelings if she tries to get in touch w/ him, I don't think I'll be able to take it.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you think of this, everyone? My H still works with the OW, though he keeps communication to a minimum. He's distant to her, and likes it that way. But he came to me last weekend, and told me that since they're hiring at the job, he's had to deal with her more closely, and it seems to have made her very happy. He's afraid that increased contact will somehow give her hope and cause her to try to "get back in". It's making him uncomfortable. I'm a bit torn. On the one hand I can understand how he liked it before - distant, little contact. On the other hand, I'm wondering why this is an issue if he doesn't care about her at all anymore. I don't think someone can "get back in" unless you allow them to. He says she cant "get back in", he just doesn't want her to get any ideas that it would be possible. I spent the next day after he told me in a bad mood. I just feel like it shouldn't be a big deal if you're strong enough. Any opinions?


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

redvixen,

My WH is in a similiar situation. Basically if he is even polite to OW at work she thinks they are "friends" again and she starts getting more aggressive about talking to him. Unless he is just about rude she gets out of control. I can see where even if he doesn't care for her this would bother him. Also it might be making him see who see really is (A wee bit desperate maybe?) and that makes him feel bad. He almost threw away his marriage for this desperate tramp?

Anyway listen to your gut but he could just be voicing concerns about how he is going to handle her advances should she choose to do that.


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Frogger, I needed to hear your support.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Newborn@home
♀ Member
Member # 16383
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 1st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH & OW are teachers in the same school and although it seems that NC has been maintained, they pass each other nearly everyday in the hallway. When I asked the other day about eye contact he told me that they had made eye contact twice in the past few weeks. He said he looked up and she was there at the time and they kinda smirked, not smiled, at each other. I was silent at this time because I want him to continue being honest (remembering advice to make consequences of lying greater). Then WH added "I know you want me to hate her but I don't. We really were friends. " Went on to add that yes, they let things go too far but that they only hung out a few times, and always among other people, and at the heart of everything was true friendship. MAybe but they said ILY....I tried for the 100th time to explain if they were real friends they'd wanted what was best for each other and what was/is best for him is to be w/ family not in the middle of this mess that could've caused great loss in his life ( baby, wife, house, only family he has in NYC. Mom & bro. died several years ago & other bro always in jail and doesn't look for him when he's out.) He went right back to defending her...w/ the blame me(WH), my fault, I'm older. In the past he'd say she was just inexperienced, confused, even told me she's actually a smart person(blah, blah, blah .He even told me that although he knows it wasn't real, just fantasy ( no arguements or real life to worry about, she wasn't depressed like I was after our baby died.)in another life she's someone he could've been with. ( adding if he was single and younger, and in a different place in life)
When will his fog lift?
Why can't/won't he see that she wasn't/isn't so great if she kept offerring herself up to him even when he said things had to change.
Don't get me wrong I blame my WH but I get to tell him so. But when I try to give her some of the blame too, he just can't/won't see it.
I'm just so hurt & confused & angry & I want him to stop defending her already. As long as he does this, I know he still has feelings for her.


Me(36) Him(WH,42) D 3 yrs
Together 12yrs,married 5
S 6/1/2009, F for D 9/4/09
Ex & OW going on 4 yrs now
1st Dday 9/18/09- when baby was 19 weeks old

Posts: 330 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York City
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 2nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had advice, but I don't. I certainly can feel your pain, though. Even though my FWH tells me that he can't stand the FSOW, just last week he told me that he still had some feelings for her. "After all", he tells me, "We did sleep together." Seems that she's been flirting with him again (though she does flirt with everyone, but it's making my H uncomfortable). So it really hurt, after all this time that he's been saying how stupid she is, and how he realizes that they never would have lasted as a couple; to have him tell me that there still is residual feelings felt like a kick in the gut.
I wish I had great words of wisdom, but I don't. I'm sorry.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
2hurt
Member
Member # 12799
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, November 12th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need ideas for NC letters when two people are co-workers. Any suggestions?


BS - 39 Me
WH - 43
3 month affair ending with
One weekend-stand with co-worker
DDay 11/20/06
R'ing nicely (on most days)

Posts: 467 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: NJ
wildfeistykitten
♀ Member
Member # 16966
Shocked  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 12th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately my WH likes to pick his OW from work or at school. Knowing that he is a SA makes me a bit of a nervous wreck now whenever he goes off to work or school. The bimbo that was before the last one he had an A with still works at the same place as him. She works on a different floor than him but had even changed her shift so that they could see each other. Now he is working a different shift, but hell I don't know if they still see each other. When my now exbest friend (who also worked at the same place as my WH and was living with us) started having an affair with him she told the OW to back off. But like I said I have no idea if they still see each other and it drives me bonkers.


BS, me 36
WH,bs. 32
M 14 yrs
3 kids.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: mo
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2hurt, we couldn't come up with a NC letter in our case. The office is very small (maybe six or seven in the office itself - nearly 100 in the field), so they have no choice but to see each other all day, everyday. He did cut back any interaction with her for the longest time, until they started hiring for the field again. Then they had more contact, and she's started flirting with him again (though she does flirt with everyone). Jeez, I think I wrote the same thing just a couple of posts above! In my case, my FWH really is committed to R, and with all the games she's tried playing he's lost interest in her. But I can't say that I trust him. I just found some bit of Halloween costume (that probably belongs to my stepdaughter) that I've never seen before and instantly I go to distrust. It's crazy! I often wonder if I'd trust him better if he didn't still work with the OW?


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
BlownOut
♂ New Member
Member # 16974
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering, is there any merit in finding out if, or initiating that, work collegues know about the (ongoing) affair?

Especially those that would be counted as the WP's friends?

[This message edited by BlownOut at 10:00 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2007
beyondpain6107
♀ Member
Member # 15120
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and OW are both Coachs/Teachers in the same school. Everyone in the school district knows. At first I was pissed off, but now I realize everyone watches now. If they even pass each other in the hall someone tells me. I'm glad everyone knows. Also, they have both been threatended with being fired. I think everyone in the workplace should know about it.


Me-BS(then 35)
Divorced 2008
Married 15 years
D-Day 6/01/07
D-Day #2 7/25/07 - I'm so stupid for believing
Dday #3 2/19/08 False R - Was good for a while
D 7/16/08
2 Children S-17 D-14

Praising God everyday for setting me free.


Posts: 967 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
bandaidheart25
♀ New Member
Member # 17048
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can you Cope with your H in the same place as the OW?


Im the orginal she was just he cheap knock off..

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Torrington,Ct
2getheragain
♀ Member
Member # 16992
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is killing me, daily triggers. In the next few months I am hoping the situation changes. I am not sure how, I would like to hear from any WS who did and what were there concerns or suggestions on how our WS can help us get thru this.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Nov 2007
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