somedays I don't cope. The days I know they will be in close contact because of meetings, I freak. He calls me immediately following the meeting and will give me all the details, down to where everyong in the meeting sits. My WH promises we will move after this school year, so I just keep hope. We also live in a small community of about 15,000 people. I see her all the time, it sucks. The other thing that makes it a little better is knowing everyone is watching them. People love to gossip so they can't wait to tell me about everything.
Praising God everyday for setting me free.
I caught him in March via cell records. He talked to OW in person while at work and ended it, and swore all the time to me that if she ever interacted w/ him in any way, I'd be the first to know. WH finally received a transfer to another location a few months later. "She's out of our life forever now, honey...you can feel safe now."
What I didn't know then was that they had resumed the A before the transfer even happened. So, although they were some 30 miles apart, they were talking all day via work phone, email and IM once he moved; little had to do with work, but the job gave a good cloak. They even drove WAY out of their way to meet in a cell tower field during working hours to have sex in the back of MOWs car. I discovered this resumed A in September (a week before my B-day and our anniversary).
In my case, WH works for one of the biggest corporations in the world, which makes it easier to not be FORCED (so far anyhow) into one-on-one dealings with MOW. So, I took Hs word for it last time that he'd stay away from her completely. I never dealt with the A outside of my home.
This time, I took matters into my own hands. I got the name and email address of every boss of hers and his...and their bosses and their bosses bosses. After my H sent a NC letter to her and we exposed the A to her BH (none of which was done after D-Day 1), she tried to call & email my H at work on the day of OUR 10th wedding anniversary for "work purposes" (to his credit, this time H did tell me about it right away). I immediately called her up and told her she was to have ZERO contact with my H ever again, work related or otherwise. When she tried to say they might sometimes have to work together, I said, "If you were so worried about your career, you shouldn't have conducted the A with a co-worker on/with work property during work time, so if you care about your career now, you're just going to have to find a way around ANY contact with each other from this point on. Get creative if you have to." I let her know that I also know about 2 other As she's had with co-workers that my H told me she confessed to him during their A. I then let fly that I would be informing all the bosses (and I named names so she'd know I wasn't bluffing) if any contact is made again, and they'd get the WHOLE story. I know H would lose his job too, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
In the end, if they are going to cheat, then they are going to cheat. None of this will stop them and they'd just go further underground. But I laid out *my* boundaries by doing this. I can't imagine I'd be able to trust him enough after all of this to put up with a working relationship on any level with MOW. It's hard enough now to trust him around ANY female co-workers as is. I'd rather one or both of them leave the company entirely, but I'm giving one last benefit of the doubt to my H.
I thought the hard line I took with it was "normal". It felt normal to me, anyhow. But I see in this thread that many of you must live with your spouse working with the OP. My heart goes out to you so much. Despite the measures I have taken, I still have worry & triggers. Deep down, I feel weak next to those of you that are able to work on R while WS works with OP. I really don't think I could do it.
XWH died Dec. 2010
When I complained about it at MC, the counselor pointed out that he would probably always have feelings for her. Tough to swallow! I wish he were more like some of the people here who have grown angry with their FOP, but. . . .
Sorry for rambling, but my point is that yes, it stinks, but we have to keep our eyes on the prize, so to speak, and be happy that they chose to stay with us and work it out. The more I try to explain that I want him to view her overtures as disrespectful of us,(and of her own H, who knows nothing of their 'friendship') and thus think less of her, it only makes him feel more defensive. It's just not helpful to push it!
RedVixen, thanks for your encouragement last time I was on the board. It's been a while! Glad the other woman in your life has shown her weirder side! She may get her figure back (she may not, too ) but you have him back. It's great that he goes out of his way to tell you about stuff at work. My H tries, but he is so uncomfortable with it--I told him that I don't want to know when she makes overtures of any kind, because I get hurt, and he gets defensive, and we spiral down. It only gives her more power. On the other hand, when they just work together, I like to hear about their day and what they had to do, and sometimes he'll tell me when she leaves, so I can relax a bit if he has to be late and she's already gone. It makes it confusing for him, I think, that I WANT to hear about work related contact, but not about her attempts to seek time with him that isn't absolutely necessary to their work. Heck, it's confusing to me!
The worst days are the ones when he and I say goodbye in the morning on difficult terms, e.g., grouchy, angry, hurt, and he is going to work w/ her. I want him to be positively freakin' glowing w/ love for me on those days, and I'm sure he can't fake that. He's pretty open, so probably looks or acts more subdued on those days. Even if he doesn't say anything negative, I'm afraid she'll pick up on it.
He leaves work at the end of the year. I'm practically counting the days, though I know they will have some contact after his last day at work. Hopefully, it will be minimal.
H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"
Not sure if that is a good thing or not, considering how small the company is and there is no way to avoid interaction with the Wench.
FWH sent OW2 (they work in the same place but don't see each often--they DO email each other re business every day) a NC email in August stating business ONLY contact.
I check H's email periodically.
No problem until today. In addition to a work related item she asks "Is it really going to snow tomorrow?"
And he responded to the snow question by saying "Yes, 1-3 inches".
I of course objected and he replied to me "There's nothing going on, I merely answered a simple question".
I feel as if it's a broken promise...
Comments? How should I deal with this?
This time H didn't respond...
So lately I've been obsessing about a holiday party that WH gets invited to. WH and I are now separated, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to the holiday party that the "big boss" invites senior staff members to.
I'm afraid WH is going to take OW. Logically, it's really not possible. OW is not a senior staff member, so I doubt she will be invited. WH and OW have been hiding their A at work, so I really doubt he would take OW.
But I just can't shake this feeling. And I really enjoyed myself at the party last year, so it bothers me that WH and I won't be going together.
What will probably happen is that WH won't go this year. But the image of WH and OW at this party together is really getting under my skin.
Anyway -- just needed to vent. Thanks!
D-day November 2, 2007. I read TM between WS and OW. I did not reveal my knowledge of A until one week later after meeting with IC and lawyer. WS and I work in the same department of a university. We teach a similar subject to students we share. OW is one of our students.
WS's behavior violates the code of conduct of our university. According to the code when a romantic attachment such as theirs develops, the person in authority is supposed to make arrangements for someone else to teach the student. When I threatened to out the A to our chairperson, WS purchased my silence with promises and apologies and a very good MC. After a month, WS claims that now the A is over, no violation is currently taking place, therefore he can remain OW's instructor, adviser and mentor. She will be gone in May.
Obviously, I have HUGE issues with this. This type of workplace A has to be atypical, I think, since it has taken place RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE and is a double betrayal. WS and I team teach a class that OW was taking before WS told her to stop coming.
No one knows about the A other than possibly other students gossiping. No one has the proof that I have. I have kept silent in order to attempt A-recovery and because my WS says he will resign if found out. I've been trying to do what's best for my kids. WS says that in other workplace A situations, the WS and AP are capable of maintaining work-only contact that satisfies the BS.
This feels like so much more than that to me. What do you think?
I want to give her a grade for this semester myself, without assessing her progress since D-day.
She should not take classes with my WS next semester.
She should not get the benefits of WS writing her a recommendation.
WS thinks that this will severely compromise her career, (undeservedly so,) and that she will not be the best representation of our program if he no longer helps her. I think they both forfeited their rights in this area when they had A.
I just posted this in R, but would love your opinions as well........
A question for those who have or haven't..........
Do you think moving away helps your R process?
A little background for those who don't know my story. My FWH and I both work in the same school district. So does the OW. We all work in separate buildings and are only in the same location for district in-service days and even then don't "need" to come in contact with one another. However, she is there........need I say more.
The other horrible part of this is the gossip mill. I was just at a play date today with a wife of another teacher and she burst into tears because she just found out about my FWH's affair from a neighbor, who was told by a teacher in our district who is her friend. I then find myself in the lovely place of consoling HER
I HATE that everyone knows about this and that when people see me there is pity or whatever else that they feel when they remember who my husband is and what he has done. I worked hard to create a good reputation work wise and "me" wise and I feel that is taking a back seat to my H's affair which has now been over for 2+ years and I have known about it for 15 months. I have done the whole classy thing of holding my head high, but frankly it is exhausting and what I really want to do is hide in the corner and cry until I can't cry anymore.