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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
beyondpain6107
♀ Member
Member # 15120
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bandaidheart,

somedays I don't cope. The days I know they will be in close contact because of meetings, I freak. He calls me immediately following the meeting and will give me all the details, down to where everyong in the meeting sits. My WH promises we will move after this school year, so I just keep hope. We also live in a small community of about 15,000 people. I see her all the time, it sucks. The other thing that makes it a little better is knowing everyone is watching them. People love to gossip so they can't wait to tell me about everything.


Me-BS(then 35)
Divorced 2008
Married 15 years
D-Day 6/01/07
D-Day #2 7/25/07 - I'm so stupid for believing
Dday #3 2/19/08 False R - Was good for a while
D 7/16/08
2 Children S-17 D-14

Praising God everyday for setting me free.


Posts: 967 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
Louise 1978
♀ Member
Member # 16925
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's OW were coworkers too.
Now I understand how turbulent my life was during the last 1.5 years of him working there. It ate me up everyday to know he saw her and could still talk to her.
Then last Feb they were both fired for instat messaging each other too much or wasteing compay time.
I just really found out about her getting canned too about 4 week ago.
My H said they had lunch together and as I think I wonder how many people knew what they were up to it just makes me so upset to think that he would do that - and not think anyone at work would realize what was going on.


"Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast".
Marlene Dietrich
"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply."
Josh Billings

Posts: 459 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northeast Ohio
Blindside
♀ Member
Member # 13938
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH works w/ the MOW, too. H is an Engineer and MOW is a Planner (a position that works with Engineers) for the telephone company. They didn't *have* to work directly together and worked on separate floors in the same building.

I caught him in March via cell records. He talked to OW in person while at work and ended it, and swore all the time to me that if she ever interacted w/ him in any way, I'd be the first to know. WH finally received a transfer to another location a few months later. "She's out of our life forever now, honey...you can feel safe now."

What I didn't know then was that they had resumed the A before the transfer even happened. So, although they were some 30 miles apart, they were talking all day via work phone, email and IM once he moved; little had to do with work, but the job gave a good cloak. They even drove WAY out of their way to meet in a cell tower field during working hours to have sex in the back of MOWs car. I discovered this resumed A in September (a week before my B-day and our anniversary).

In my case, WH works for one of the biggest corporations in the world, which makes it easier to not be FORCED (so far anyhow) into one-on-one dealings with MOW. So, I took Hs word for it last time that he'd stay away from her completely. I never dealt with the A outside of my home.

This time, I took matters into my own hands. I got the name and email address of every boss of hers and his...and their bosses and their bosses bosses. After my H sent a NC letter to her and we exposed the A to her BH (none of which was done after D-Day 1), she tried to call & email my H at work on the day of OUR 10th wedding anniversary for "work purposes" (to his credit, this time H did tell me about it right away). I immediately called her up and told her she was to have ZERO contact with my H ever again, work related or otherwise. When she tried to say they might sometimes have to work together, I said, "If you were so worried about your career, you shouldn't have conducted the A with a co-worker on/with work property during work time, so if you care about your career now, you're just going to have to find a way around ANY contact with each other from this point on. Get creative if you have to." I let her know that I also know about 2 other As she's had with co-workers that my H told me she confessed to him during their A. I then let fly that I would be informing all the bosses (and I named names so she'd know I wasn't bluffing) if any contact is made again, and they'd get the WHOLE story. I know H would lose his job too, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

In the end, if they are going to cheat, then they are going to cheat. None of this will stop them and they'd just go further underground. But I laid out *my* boundaries by doing this. I can't imagine I'd be able to trust him enough after all of this to put up with a working relationship on any level with MOW. It's hard enough now to trust him around ANY female co-workers as is. I'd rather one or both of them leave the company entirely, but I'm giving one last benefit of the doubt to my H.

I thought the hard line I took with it was "normal". It felt normal to me, anyhow. But I see in this thread that many of you must live with your spouse working with the OP. My heart goes out to you so much. Despite the measures I have taken, I still have worry & triggers. Deep down, I feel weak next to those of you that are able to work on R while WS works with OP. I really don't think I could do it.


~Married Sept 27, 97
~D-Day #1, March 9, 07: WH EA w/ co-worker.
~D-Day #2, September 12, 07: Discovered EA/PA back on, that the 1st was actually EA/PA, and that we were in False R.
~R? .

Posts: 224 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Key West, FL
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have hard days, at times. I do know that most people in the office know what happened, and my H's boss/friend busts my H's butt and harrasses him about the A all the time, rubbing his "mistake" in his face constantly. She's due to have her baby in February, and we're hoping that she doesn't come back. I've told him my worries (if she does come back, once she regains her figure, how will he feel then?) I still get panicky if he's got something to do after work - and luckily he understands and goes out of his way to reassure me. What really helps is the OW herself. She talks so much about her life outside of work (her boyfriend, their strange relationship that includes another woman yes, really!) that she's become a joke and a curiosity. I can see that he honestly can't believe the person he'd become during the A.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newborn@home, I know what you mean about defending OW and trying to take the blame on himself makes you feel like he still has feelings for OW. We had an incident a awhile back where my H, to his credit, told me about a situation that OW engineered--sort of 'private time by ambush'. I thought I did a great job seperating her behavior and his response, and telling him I understood that he had no choice in the matter, due to keeping things 'normal' at work, but that I thought she had been pretty underhanded. He said he should have known she'd ask him to do that activity w/ her, since she'd mentioned months before that she wanted it done at some point. There were lots of other people she could have asked to do it w/ her, so I don't know why he felt like he 'should have known' it was coming. Anyways, it's been a couple of years now, and I know he still is conflicted somewhat. He wants me to hold on to the fact that he chose to stay w/ me and that he is trying to maintain professional boundaries at work.

When I complained about it at MC, the counselor pointed out that he would probably always have feelings for her. Tough to swallow! I wish he were more like some of the people here who have grown angry with their FOP, but. . . .

Sorry for rambling, but my point is that yes, it stinks, but we have to keep our eyes on the prize, so to speak, and be happy that they chose to stay with us and work it out. The more I try to explain that I want him to view her overtures as disrespectful of us,(and of her own H, who knows nothing of their 'friendship') and thus think less of her, it only makes him feel more defensive. It's just not helpful to push it!

RedVixen, thanks for your encouragement last time I was on the board. It's been a while! Glad the other woman in your life has shown her weirder side! She may get her figure back (she may not, too ) but you have him back. It's great that he goes out of his way to tell you about stuff at work. My H tries, but he is so uncomfortable with it--I told him that I don't want to know when she makes overtures of any kind, because I get hurt, and he gets defensive, and we spiral down. It only gives her more power. On the other hand, when they just work together, I like to hear about their day and what they had to do, and sometimes he'll tell me when she leaves, so I can relax a bit if he has to be late and she's already gone. It makes it confusing for him, I think, that I WANT to hear about work related contact, but not about her attempts to seek time with him that isn't absolutely necessary to their work. Heck, it's confusing to me!

The worst days are the ones when he and I say goodbye in the morning on difficult terms, e.g., grouchy, angry, hurt, and he is going to work w/ her. I want him to be positively freakin' glowing w/ love for me on those days, and I'm sure he can't fake that. He's pretty open, so probably looks or acts more subdued on those days. Even if he doesn't say anything negative, I'm afraid she'll pick up on it.

He leaves work at the end of the year. I'm practically counting the days, though I know they will have some contact after his last day at work. Hopefully, it will be minimal.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just looking to see how everyone is going to handle the "holiday work parties" this year.


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
2getheragain
♀ Member
Member # 16992
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently since my BS is the one who has to pay for them, suddenly no money in the budget to have one.

Not sure if that is a good thing or not, considering how small the company is and there is no way to avoid interaction with the Wench.


Posts: 283 | Registered: Nov 2007
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have the regular holiday parties, as well as a goodbye party for my H, since he is starting a new job next year. I offered to not go to his work holiday parties with him so that he was free to enjoy this last round of festivities with his co-workers. I know I'm going to be a mess, and I have no friends among his co-workers or their spouses to keep me company. He said if I didn't go, he wouldn't go, and he wanted me to be his 'arm candy' It's so sweet, but I really don't want him feeling like he has to babysit me. IDK


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No holiday parties on a regular basis. My only concern (and I posted a vent in yesterdays' General) is that she's suddenly trying to up the ante again. Why now, we don't know. My H was just diagnosed with a suspicious kidney tumor, and it's a very harrowing time for us. He was hospitalized for three days while they did tests - and she called one day when I wasn't there!! (I got pissed because I only just found out, and he thought he'd told me). Then, yesterday, she passes him a note at work (yeah, how old are we? ) that tells him that she's been getting crank calls "from someone with a squeaky voice, with kids in the background...blah,blah, blah." First of all, I don't have a "squeaky voice", but I'm sure she's trying to get him to believe that it's me. She told him it started when he was in the hospital. Then, as we were on cells on our ways home from work, his work phone rang (and as weird as it is, I immediately thought it was her, and I was right), she called with the lame "Did you just call me?" He was very short with her (I could hear the very brief conversation), and irritated that she called at all. It's like a daily soap opera! She leaves next week for a cruise (with her boyfriend and their Other Person ) and he can't wait until she's gone. Wonder what will happen at work today.
My thought is that as the end of her pregnancy draws near, she's trying her damndest to cling to my H. She's told my H that she'll never marry her boyfriend; I don't know why she's still with him other than she has a lousy mom and can't afford to live on her own. Heck, she made her choices, she'll just have to live with the consequences.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One year, 2 months and 4 days from D-day. R is going good... but I just cant get over them working together. They dont see each other at work , everyone there knows about the A, and they know about the 2 other, maybe more, affairs she has had with other co-workers there. She has been exposed to the whole company as a whore. I've made some friends there, who I are looking out for me. Yet I struggle every day. Why? Why does it feel so degrading and disrespectful?


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OB - I think it has to do with our feelings of self-respect. H still works with OW (has meetings with her all the time ) but he has been doing a lot of the right stuff (or at least has me bamboozled) yet things aren't "right". Everyone at work knows and I hated it the other day when he asked me to return a call to his boss when he was sick. His boss was very nice to me (OW's XH talked to him so I am 100% sure he knows) but I felt so degraded. I felt like saying "And yes, I know but I have a family to think about." or something -- something to gain back some self-respect. Sorry OB -- No answer just sympathy and hugs.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
tooexhausted
♀ Member
Member # 15232
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure this has been brought up before alas...

FWH sent OW2 (they work in the same place but don't see each often--they DO email each other re business every day) a NC email in August stating business ONLY contact.

I check H's email periodically.

No problem until today. In addition to a work related item she asks "Is it really going to snow tomorrow?"

And he responded to the snow question by saying "Yes, 1-3 inches".

I of course objected and he replied to me "There's nothing going on, I merely answered a simple question".

I feel as if it's a broken promise...

Comments? How should I deal with this?


Posts: 898 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Living in the moment
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only suggestion would be to calmly tell your husband that simple questions that receive simple answers lead to more involved questions and more involved answers. And if the spark of an affair is not extinguished completely, it can catch fire again. Tell him even the smallest, simplest question makes you uneasy. I know I wouldn't like it.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with redvixen. It may have been innocent on her part but it kinda seems like she's fishing and unfortunately he (perhaps unwittingly) jumped at the bait.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
tooexhausted
♀ Member
Member # 15232
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, she's fishing all right. A following email stated (after a sentence related to business) something about going to NYC to see a cardiothoracic surgeon.

This time H didn't respond...


Posts: 898 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Living in the moment
janedoe99
♀ Member
Member # 17083
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i haven't posted on this thread before, but my WH has had an EA with co-worker. Although he denies any PA -- the weekend after Thanksgiving WH and OW went away together. (yeah, right, no PA)

So lately I've been obsessing about a holiday party that WH gets invited to. WH and I are now separated, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to the holiday party that the "big boss" invites senior staff members to.

I'm afraid WH is going to take OW. Logically, it's really not possible. OW is not a senior staff member, so I doubt she will be invited. WH and OW have been hiding their A at work, so I really doubt he would take OW.

But I just can't shake this feeling. And I really enjoyed myself at the party last year, so it bothers me that WH and I won't be going together.

What will probably happen is that WH won't go this year. But the image of WH and OW at this party together is really getting under my skin.

Anyway -- just needed to vent. Thanks!


Me BW 36 Him WH/XH 32
DD - 4 y/o; DSS 11 y/o
M 4yrs/ Together 8
D-day#1/2 - Sept. 2007, Nov. 2007
Divorced 4/08

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Florida
hamlet
♀ Member
Member # 16883
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to try to be brief with a complicated sich and go as directly as possible to my question.

D-day November 2, 2007. I read TM between WS and OW. I did not reveal my knowledge of A until one week later after meeting with IC and lawyer. WS and I work in the same department of a university. We teach a similar subject to students we share. OW is one of our students.

WS's behavior violates the code of conduct of our university. According to the code when a romantic attachment such as theirs develops, the person in authority is supposed to make arrangements for someone else to teach the student. When I threatened to out the A to our chairperson, WS purchased my silence with promises and apologies and a very good MC. After a month, WS claims that now the A is over, no violation is currently taking place, therefore he can remain OW's instructor, adviser and mentor. She will be gone in May.

Obviously, I have HUGE issues with this. This type of workplace A has to be atypical, I think, since it has taken place RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE and is a double betrayal. WS and I team teach a class that OW was taking before WS told her to stop coming.

No one knows about the A other than possibly other students gossiping. No one has the proof that I have. I have kept silent in order to attempt A-recovery and because my WS says he will resign if found out. I've been trying to do what's best for my kids. WS says that in other workplace A situations, the WS and AP are capable of maintaining work-only contact that satisfies the BS.

This feels like so much more than that to me. What do you think?

I want to give her a grade for this semester myself, without assessing her progress since D-day.

She should not take classes with my WS next semester.

She should not get the benefits of WS writing her a recommendation.

WS thinks that this will severely compromise her career, (undeservedly so,) and that she will not be the best representation of our program if he no longer helps her. I think they both forfeited their rights in this area when they had A.


Posts: 816 | Registered: Nov 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree -- they forfeited their rights in this area. I don't know though legally if she is "entitled" to take a class, etc. with him. But he should at least not go out of his way to help her at all. I wouldn't be surprised that more people don't know about the sitch (it is surprising how many people make "your life" part of their life) and any recommendation/assistance from him would be suspect anyways. At this point in time he needs to be thinking about your needs and not the OW's or the departments. Yes, sometimes WS and OW continue to work together but I wouldn't say it necessarily "satisfies the BS" -- it is more like the "BS tolerates" the situation (my sitch). JMHO

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
sadandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 13434
Question  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all........I should have been here all along. Not only does my FWH work with OW, but so do I.

I just posted this in R, but would love your opinions as well........

A question for those who have or haven't..........
Do you think moving away helps your R process?

A little background for those who don't know my story. My FWH and I both work in the same school district. So does the OW. We all work in separate buildings and are only in the same location for district in-service days and even then don't "need" to come in contact with one another. However, she is there........need I say more.

The other horrible part of this is the gossip mill. I was just at a play date today with a wife of another teacher and she burst into tears because she just found out about my FWH's affair from a neighbor, who was told by a teacher in our district who is her friend. I then find myself in the lovely place of consoling HER

I HATE that everyone knows about this and that when people see me there is pity or whatever else that they feel when they remember who my husband is and what he has done. I worked hard to create a good reputation work wise and "me" wise and I feel that is taking a back seat to my H's affair which has now been over for 2+ years and I have known about it for 15 months. I have done the whole classy thing of holding my head high, but frankly it is exhausting and what I really want to do is hide in the corner and cry until I can't cry anymore.



Me BS--32
Him WH--34
Married--10 years
2 beautiful daughters
DDay Sept. 2, 2006
trying hard to reconcile

Posts: 383 | Registered: Jan 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadandbroken -- I totally understand what you are going through - I've got the same "she is there". You might want to see if Emerald Eyes is still posting (see earlier posts). I think her H and her moved/switched jobs. She might have some insight as to whether it made things better or if the "known enemy" is better than the potential "unknowns".

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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