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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad and Broken, I'll let you know about the moving thing! My husband finishes at the end of this year, and starts a new job in the next state after the 1st. He will live up there 4 days a week, and here 3 until our son graduates in May, then we will all move up next summer. It's been 2 years since I found out about their work EA and a little more than that since he found out about my PA. I've been able to keep NC for a year, but he works w/ her all the time. I'm really stressing about this last couple of weeks, though, because as much as I want to see us gone, I am dreading their goodbyes. How will it be? and will he tell me about it? Truthfully? He's not really a person who talks much at all, so I miss out on a lot of information. He's always been that way, but it's only really been a problem over the last several years, since our marriage started falling apart.

Bottom line, I'm praying it will be great in the long run, and that I don't screw it up by being too curious, and they don't screw it up by acting as anything other than co-workers, regardless of the temptation to do otherwise.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
mistyn
♀ Member
Member # 17187
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am a recently bs by my h who is a dentist and was carryng on an ea with one of his hygenists(28 yr old, married)for 6 months he agreed to absolutely no contact except when he has to examine the patients whose teeth she cleans. he claims he has no personal conversations, and doesn't miss the 20 texts messages and phone calls per day he actually now calls and texts me throughout the day we start mc next week -- we are having the office party at my house tonight and the ow had signed up to come with her h --- on friday, she crossed her name off the list and decided not to come ( it would have been interesting) can a h really go cold turkey like that? i have no reason not to believe him --- i have gone through his desk, his car and his phone bills. he lets me see everything he doesnt use a computer. when is asked him how he can just suddenly stop, he said it was easy- he would never risk losing his family and didnt think about that before. he has told me as much about the phone messages as he states he can remember he says they were silly, mindless conversations that would start with some work issue and evolve into petty conversation he says she was just his best friend , easy to talk to, and he liked the attention(that hurt because i thought i was his best friend) bottom line, our relationship is now better than it has been in 20 yrs (weve been m for 22) do you feel when you make love and kiss, etc that something is different? i often wonder if he is loving me because of guilt and shame or because he really feels he has made a mistake ... he said he never really thought about what i would do if i found out ......... to him since it didnt involve sex, kissing, etc. it was harmless . i guess i am just still somewhat shocked and insecure about our situation . i never thought i would ever be in a place like this . interestingly, my sister-in-law who is the office manager for him mentioned that the ow is strangly quiet, and acts differently lately I had questioned her about why the ow wasnt going to the party and that is what she told me ( no one else knows about this relationship but my h and myself) i really dont have a feeling that the whole story is not out there -- i have questioned and badgered my h relentlessly looking for answers and he finally gets exasperated and says "what do you want me to say? that i love her? because i dont- but i think you will go on until i tell you something like that) do you find yourself fine one day, and then sobbing with panic attacks the next? my h is being so nice, but i continue to bring up the ea even though i know i shouldnt deep down, maybe i want other people to hurt as badly as i do, because out of the 4 of us i am the only one in deep pain( i didnt tell her h- it would get back to my family and the kids) if he was any man at all,if he found out he would come to the office and knock my h down- at least thats what i would do if i were the bh anyone with advice? can he really work with the ow and act like they never had a personal friendship? he will fire her, but i am afraid of office gossip (since she was the "favored" employee out of 9 women) and even possible sexual harrassment suit All she wold have to do is show the massive phone records for the last 6 months ADVICE?


ws (him) 52
bs(me) 52
ow 28
2 fabulous kids, 11 and 14
dd1 11/03/07 dd2 2/28/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: tx
mom2one
♀ Member
Member # 12607
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that this is going to sound completely childish and a waste of time but I can't stop thinking about the OW. I know that karma will eventually come around but I can't help but want to push things along. She is so unremorseful and so unaware of the damage that she caused. I really want her to have a taste... They work for the same company and I have to becareful bc we need FWH's job but has anyone thought of a creative way to anonymously expose or humiliate the OW?


Me BS 32
Him WH 32
Daughter 2
Married 5 Yrs.
D-Day #1 8/31/06
D-Day #2 11/4/06 (found out the rest of the story)
EA/PA (lasted 4 mnths)

Posts: 293 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: New York
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mom2one-
no advice other than to just let you know we've all been there---wanting to humiliate or have her pay in some way. Unfortunately there isnt much you can or probably should do.
HUGS to you. It will get better.

Mistyn-
Everything you are feeling is so completely normal. Sad to say, but yes. Anxiety, panic attacks, being fine one minute, and going crazy the next is all part of the recovery game. Sounds as if you H is trying to be as helpful as possible.
MC will hopefully help him see how and WHY you ask the same questions and need answers..even if the answers are the same every time.
HUGS to you too.

update on me:
I was *FINALLY* invited to H's office last night. Yeah, so it was closed, there was nobody there...but I saw the place finally, saw H's office and walked around. Thanks to a few drinks (it was after my company party), I got the courage to ask where HER (xow's) desk was and H told me.
I went over and looked at it...read all her stuff on the walls...looked at her pics etc all the while H kept asking "done yet?"
He was very uncomfy and kept asking me to come out because it was weird having me looking at her things... I finally said no..I want to know my competition plus when your H is f'ing another woman..I feel I have the right to take a look at HER stuff.
He couldnt really reply to that one.

The office was WAY smaller than I imagined so I'm sure there is a LOT of interaction going on...I read the sign up list for their holiday potluck..she is brining peach cobbler..I told H to bring some home cuz I would like to taste the whore's baking skills. LOL!

Anyhow..I just wanted to acknowledge that it has taken 1 year, 4 months and 8 days for H to finally TALK to me about the ow(1) without being defensive or trying to justify his actions.

now we move on to ow2...his EA partner. Bleeeech.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
mistyn
♀ Member
Member # 17187
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mom2one-what i did to retaliate with the ow, is that went to my h's dentist office and talked to all the staff there, except her(there are 8 ladies) when she smiled at me, i just ignored her and talked to other people she definately got the hint my h no longer has any personal discussions with her, and does not interact. I guess this is as much punishment i can give out without disclosing the ea to other staff members. her loss of status in the office (via my h ignoring her) has changed her from a friendly, confident worker, to a quiet, all business employee We had our first mc session today it was great. the counselor believes that my h is not in love or lust but was out for affirmation and flattery from a young girl when i asked how they can both just "turn that off" she stated that his marriage makes that an easy decision . thank god i found out about this when i did . we are making great progress and communication ps the ow was supposed to come to our house sat for the xmas party she suddenly cancelled on friday... dont know how i would have acted, but i know her h would have gotten A LOT of attention from ME LOL!!!

[This message edited by mistyn at 7:40 PM, December 17th (Monday)]


ws (him) 52
bs(me) 52
ow 28
2 fabulous kids, 11 and 14
dd1 11/03/07 dd2 2/28/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: tx
mistyn
♀ Member
Member # 17187
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mistyn at 6:52 PM, December 17th (Monday)]


ws (him) 52
bs(me) 52
ow 28
2 fabulous kids, 11 and 14
dd1 11/03/07 dd2 2/28/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: tx
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
My H is leaving his job at the end of the month. He told me last night that the women he works with (He works almost exclusively w/ women) want to take him out for drinks and possibly dinner on his last day. His former EA partner is one of those women He really likes and enjoys these people, and has worked with them for years. I told him to go ahead, but that he should MAKE SURE that he doesn't allow even 10 minutes alone w/ her. He's been careful not to give her much positive feedback when she tries to get personal with him, but since they work so closely together, he has never sent a NC letter, or even given her an unambiguous 'go away, that part of my life is over and I want it that way' kind of communication. He didn't want it to be 'awkward' at work. Now that he is leaving, I want him to be able to tell her that he doesn't want or need her friendship any more, and that he is coming home to me, if she tries to get some time alone to say goodbye. I'm not sure he can. He's such a nice guy that he won't want to hurt her feelings or feel like he's being rude to her. If she tries to be alone w/ him, I think he'll try to avoid it, but in a nice, considerate way, and if she doesn't take the hint, I'm not sure he'll be comfortable kicking her to the curb, so to speak.

Suggestions on how to handle this without alienating him? We have a real push/pull going on about her--if I push, he pulls away. He is aware of it and is really working on it, but the stress of leaving this job (at least partially due to his relationship) is making it really overwhelming for him at times.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
hopeforthebest
♀ Member
Member # 15777
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my husband works with OW. Tomorrow is the Christmas lunch and grab bag game. There are only about 15 people in the office. I said that is considered contact and i didn't wnat him to go-it's in the conference room. He blew a gasket-I told him he shouldn't even be there anymore.

Am I going overboard?


Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Hope -- I can see both sides of this one. With such a small office I can see where possible he might be "missed" if he didn't show up but I of course most definitely understand your side of the issue. Can you get together and talk about it calmly -- where you explain your concerns and he explains why he has to go. If he only wants to go because it is a "party" then he needs to get his priorities in order (IMO) but if he needs to go because of management or whatever then can you work out a compromise where the two of you can meet after the party for a drink or something?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope --- did your H go to the party?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. Unfortunately, seems i belong to this club now. My wh is a nurse adn had a 4 1/2 year affair with one of the nurse techs on his floor. A year ago she moved to another part of the hospital adn the affair ened on ddady October 28th. I am also a nurse in the hospital--isn't that fun?

I have never met her but she knows me.She is also a nursing student and was on the same floor as me seeing patients on a couple occassions. I had no idea and have no idea what I said or did at the time.

I don't know exactly what she looks like, a vague description is allI have, and a name. She could potentially bid to work in my unti or my wh unit at any time. I have been blantantly clear that he will have to leave his floor of 15 years if she comes back to it. He says he doesn't want to, but he will. I am in a very small unit adn although I have not told anyone IRL, I will tell my boss if she bids for our unit and am pretty confident she woudl not hire her. If she did, I woudl leave. She doesn't seem that ballsy though.

She emaield him once at work since the dday phone call and called him once at work to talk. I guess they had talked about me finding out and she said shewoudl never confront me, whatver that means.

I hate eating lunch in the cafeteria or just being at work and knowing I could run in to her an dnot even know it. He could run in to her and I wouldn't know it. Says he has not even seen her in teh cafeteria but who knows. After all the lies I am having a hard time trustin gany of it.

Wh has been pretty clear he wants R adn immediately made the NCphone call at 2 am on dday and got STD testing and set up MC within the week. Will do whatever I ask. I wish he woudl do more on his own but IC is making me realize he doesn't always know what to do, so I may have to tell him. If I tell him, he does it. Seems to have gtten over her quickly, although that seems odd to me. She is apparently 'heartbroken and crying' but I do not give a fuck. That's what she gets for picking a married man.

I don't knwo if wecan live thorugh this. We are in a very small state and this is really the only hospital to work at and so I suspect all three of us will work here for a long time. My dream woudl be for her to go elsewhere but not much chance of that.

Anyway, tha's my deal. Not much fun, but that's my life!


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hopeforthebest
♀ Member
Member # 15777
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone-well my hubby did not go to the party-he went to Subway and listened to music while his office was getting gourmet food brought in. He was more upset about the story he had to come up with to get out of the party then missing the parrty itslef. He wasn't happy but he understood what I needed and gave it to me. Between that and Chritsmas out relationship is getting better and beet.
I wish the same for everyone here!
Debbi

Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope -

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
beyondpain6107
♀ Member
Member # 15120
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great Hope. A huge step in the right direction by your WH.


Me-BS(then 35)
Divorced 2008
Married 15 years
D-Day 6/01/07
D-Day #2 7/25/07 - I'm so stupid for believing
Dday #3 2/19/08 False R - Was good for a while
D 7/16/08
2 Children S-17 D-14

Praising God everyday for setting me free.


Posts: 967 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
2getheragain
♀ Member
Member # 16992
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chalk one up for the home team. Great step in the right direction. Congrats to you both.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Nov 2007
butterflies04
♀ Member
Member # 16116
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost, I feel your pain. My h and I both work in the same hospital. I am an RN (going to school for NP), my H is a supervisor the OW works for him in a small department. We are all in the same hospital.

I see her daily in the hallways, she smiles at me, when I see her. I have been avoiding the cafeteria lately, but I have been there with my h, and she walks by and smiles. I now park my car in a different place, because she was parking in the same area, and I would see her every morning.

I have learned to avoid places for my own well being, there are triggers everywhere. I don't eat lunch with my h anymore.

I have one more year of school, I have to hang on until then. I will try and find a job somewhere else. My h is not a nurse and in his field of work there are not many jobs out there right now. The OW threatens to quit all the time when she wants attention from my h. Not that he tells me about it anymore. He tells me they do not interact at all.

Even if there is interaction, he is in self preservation mode and would not share. Of course he tells me I do not provide a safe environment for him to share. I still am learning new information about his affair.

My h tells me to stop by his department all the time. About 6 months ago I took him up on it, and started to stop by everyday. He got nervous. He wanted to know why all of a sudden I was stopping by. He some how defended his behavior, but there is always a defense. I'm not even sure now what he said.

There is nothing more I can ask of him. I have asked for open, honest transparency with all interactions they have together, this lasted a week. He resented having to report to me. He also got caught lying about having conversations with the OW for a while after his affair supposedly ended. I was rather emotional at this new information, and did not provide a safe environment. I really don't know when it ended. He now does not remember.

He tells me now that they do not talk at all. That there is no chemistry between the two of them, that it is silent and uncomfortable between them. That he does not talk to her about the weirdness between them. It just is.

All of this is very hard.


My 5 year old daughter thinks I should use the right side of my brain, more often, this is the silly side, the left side of my brain is the serious side. Maybe she is right! I am trying.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2007
formerlyteflon
♀ Member
Member # 16725
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH goes to college with OW. The way the program works is that they are in the same group of 20 students for 2 years (4 semesters). They had an EA a month into the first semester, so we have 3 more semesters that he will be in very close proximity with her.

FWH is also required to student teach and last semester he and OW were both at the same school. He requested a different school for teaching so at least they're not working together anymore.

It's tough knowing that they'll be working on projects together for the next 1.5 years. FWH and OW are the 2 star students in the group, so professors were always encouraging them to "put their heads together". FWH eventually talked to the professors at the end of the semester and let them know about the A, so hopefully he won't be getting that pressure anymore.

It's tough, sometimes I don't know how we're going to make it through the next year and a half.


“There is a limit to the amount of misery and disarray you will put up with, for love, just as there is a limit to the amount of mess you can stand around a house. You can’t know the limit beforehand, but you will know when you’ve reached it."

Posts: 927 | Registered: Oct 2007
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butterflies, my WSO has exactly the same line about 'not wanting to have to report back'. I've just written him a long e-mail about it in the hope that he might finally in some tiny way 'get it'. I haven't decided whether I will actually send it yet, but PM me if you'd like to read and see if there is anything you can use. I posted it in General but it has been much edited since.


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
butterflies04
♀ Member
Member # 16116
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well,

Yesterday my h and I went to MC. Before we went, he told me that if I did not find out about his affair (phone bill records) that he would have never told me about it. Not only that but he would not have felt guilty about it. We had decided to divorce after he started his affair, one reason was because of his behavior in the fog, I didn't know that was the reason at the time, I just knew that he was behaving like he was better than me, very arrogant, distant. We had been having other marrital problems, so at this point I was like okay this needs to end. Two weeks later he went on a date with her, and came to me and confessed he had one date one kiss. He left out the part of the affair (EA for months - thinking he could fall in love with her), but decided he wanted to work on his marriage. He tells me that if he had sex with her then it would have been wrong, but because he supposedly did not, there was no reason to tell me. He admits to sexual chemistry for months, sexual talk (what panties are you wearing today, etc.) but no sex for months, just talking. On his date he said it felt weird, he was not into it. He realized then this was not his path to happiness, that he wanted to be with me.

He continued to talk to her at work and on the phone until I found the phone records a month later. After I found the phone records the calls stopped, but the personal conversations continued at work. She was still after him, he tells me he was innocent in all this. He doesn't remember when the conversations at work stopped. He would come home to me, I would ask him if he was still talking to her, he would strongly deny any conversations, but it was all very innocent in his mind.

He admits he started his affair because he wanted to see if the "grass was greener". He realized after time that he wanted to work on his marriage. He told his family (mother, sister, uncle) and friends about his affair and they told him it was trouble because he was her boss. Oh, and his mother told him never to tell me the truth, never be honest about what happened. Great!

In MC yesterday, I ask him if he valued honesty, and me and our marriage. He said yes. He didn't think at the time he was doing anything wrong and that he would never have told me about the affair. He would not have had guilt. We have been together for 12 years, if he would not tell me about the affair, and not feel guilty about it, what else has he done over the past 12 years to hurt me that I don't know about.

How can I trust him now, that he isn't doing things with her or with anyone, or in anything in life, that hurts me.

I am wondering if, in all the years that I have known him, if lies were always a part of our relationship. I have always valued honesty.

Do you think a person can change their core values? If he thinks more about self preservation in how I will react to his lies, then do you think a person can start to value truth and honesty?

We are at a stand off. The MC wants to continue working with us. I don't really see the point, if honesty is not a part of the picture.

How do I live with someone who does not value honesty.

So we will live together, stay married, have a relationship that is friendly, do not talk about the affair, any interactions, have a relationship that does not value open, honest communication. If my h comes home from work, and I am happy and in a good mood everyday, then he will not divorce me. WTF!!!

I am wondering if this will ever end.

Thanks for the vent.

Charlie I am sending you a PM.


My 5 year old daughter thinks I should use the right side of my brain, more often, this is the silly side, the left side of my brain is the serious side. Maybe she is right! I am trying.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we will live together, stay married, have a relationship that is friendly, do not talk about the affair, any interactions, have a relationship that does not value open, honest communication. If my h comes home from work, and I am happy and in a good mood everyday, then he will not divorce me. WTF!!!

My world too.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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