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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine too.

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EE -- How's the new job going?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hates it. Hates the long commute, hates the traveling, wants to go back to his old job.

But thank you so much for asking! How are things with you?


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EE - I'm so sorry. Does he really feel that going back to his old job is an option? Are there possibly other opportunities for him closer to home? (I'm sure you have explored this but just trying to make lemonade out of lemons.) Any chance of OW leaving the old job? (That's my wish here since I know H's leaving will never happen.)

We just go day to day - I think I am having a little more difficulty lately as we approach the Dday antiversary. I think H thinks everything is fine because of course by now I must be "over it". Some days I just deal with it better than others.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he talks about going back quite a bit. And it pays significantly more, so that leaves me being the bad guy if I say no. He'd end up resenting me for 'making' him stay someplace he hates.

And like your H, he thinks I'm over it and everything is all fine and dandy now. Don't you just hate that?? Everything goes back to normal for them and we're the ones left all

When is your antiversery? How long will it be?


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-Day was kinda extended for me because of the way things unfolded -- from January 14 to January 25. I can't believe I have been living this way for almost 3 years. The A has destroyed me emotionally, physically and financially. I feel dead. I guess this is the infamous "plain of lethal flatness". Funk day I guess. These are the days that I have to kick myself in the tush and get rolling.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim & EE, good to see you on this board again.

EE, how long has he been at the new job? Any chance it will improve with time and that he's just feeling strange with the newness of it all? If you need him to stay, YOU are not the bad guy. He was the one who chose to pollute his former work environment. Don't take on this guilt if you can help it.

Sharim, I'm sorry this is a tough time of year for you. On some of the other threads, 3 years seems to be when many of them are managing to put it behind them. For people like us (It has also been 2+ years for me) there's no real way to put it behind if they are still in contact, no matter how 'business like', because we sit and wonder if they are telling us the whole truth.

My H went out w/ the women at work on his last day and was gone for about 3 hours. He called me on his way there, and then when he was leaving. The first thing he said to me was that the FOW had left about an hour after he got there, and that he hadn't had any conversation w/ her to speak of, that she'd been at the other end of the table. Then he was looking at his email a couple of days later, and I noticed one that said pics were attached. I asked if I could see them, and he opened it for me. They were pics taken by the FOW's best friend, and so of course, there were more of her than of anyone There was a close up of her w/ the caption 'love you M' (her name)and one of my H and the FOW with their arms around each other, and her hand on his chest and the caption 'J & M. . . . . .' It was NOT a professional co-workers' pose!

My H said he hadn't even noticed the captions until I pointed them out. All the other captions were pretty silly, typical things you would expect of a work party, only those were somehow different. Maybe I'm being a little sensitive, but for not having any conversation to speak of, they sure got close enough!

He immediately tried to say that the 'love you' caption was from the woman taking the picture to the woman in the picture, and it had nothing to do w/ him. Of course, none of the other pics said anything about love. After a long discussion, he finally sounded like he 'got it'. He said he was sorry that the pics were so hurtful to me. That was all I needed to hear, really. It would have been nice if he'd immediately told me about the pics, or immediately recognized their hurtful nature--after 2 years, and having been a BS himself at one point, you'd think he'd be quicker on the uptake It was progress to have him acknowledge my hurt, though.

He's started his new job. I don't have access to his email anymore, and don't know if he's given anyone from his old job his new email address. We have only one more goodbye party to get through. It was supposed to be a surprise, but one of the nurses got drunk at the last event and told him about it. (the one who took the pics!) Hopefully, she won't do the whole social kiss/hug thing w/ either of us. I am such a wimp that I just submit to it when I'd really like to tell her to keep her mitts of my husband and me!


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there's no real way to put it behind if they are still in contact

Hi Mel - Yep I think that is it for me. I can go a long for awhile but it always comes back to the fact that she is there and I can't escape it.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Mel and Sharim!

Sharim - ohh, the antiversersies are right on top of you, aren't they? Lean on us if you need to. Three years - I'm going on that long too. You'd think we'd at least be used to feeling this way, wouldn't you? I wish we could join the ranks of those in R who love each other even more and think their marriage is stronger than ever.

Ohhhh, Melody - I'm so sorry you had to endure those pictures. What a horrible image to have blazed into your memory. I cannot fathom how I would react if I saw a picture of H and FOW with their arms around each other. It might be enough to make me say 'screw it'. I commend you for your commitment to your marriage.

((Hugs)) to all of us.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes Mel -- those pictures sound pretty dreadful. Seems like somebody is trying to stir the pot. Keep us posted on how that last party goes. Hopefully H has learned how even what may seem "nothing to speak of" to him can be devastating to you and will act more appropriately.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support, Sharim and Emerald Eyes. I kind of lost it this weekend, just crying & trying to explain to my H that putting her hand on his chest was not an innocent thing to do, and asked how he would feel if I did that to another man--any man, not even an AP. To his credit, he didn't get angry or defensive. He just held me. That's a big step for him.

For the party, it's a roast. I'm kind of hoping that when it's his turn to speak, he takes a moment to show his love and commitment to me somehow. . . for his whole former department to see! He said he hasn't given anyone at his old job his new work email--I hope it stays that way!

Sharim, how are you hanging in with your extended anniversaries coming up? Is your H mindful of the time of year and helping you through it?


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To his credit, he didn't get angry or defensive. He just held me. That's a big step for him.

Oh that is good! I think when they acknowledge your pain instead of making it about them, that is a big step in the healing process. Here's hoping he does do something wonderful for you at the roast!!! Keeping my fingers crossed!

I'm hanging in there. Yesterday was a little rough because we went for a drink and talked about his work stuff. We "dance" around anything about OW but at one point when he was talking about some decisions their boss had made that kinda bothered him - I eluded to the fact that maybe his boss made those decisions for reasons that existed at that time but now that things have changed he's making different decisions.

I never specifically said anything about the A but if the boss had done things differently it would have put H and OW working very closely together and with them basically reporting to each other. I know boss knows about the A but I don't really know that he made his decisions because of it. I think H caught my drift even though I was very "innocent" in my comment. I had to bite my tongue though in taking it any further. I knew that would be disasterous. I just have all this "simmering" underneath but his bday is tomorrow and I didn't want to wreck that.

I am tempted to bring stuff up on the 14th (the anniversary of the day they spent in the hotel in town) but I will probably chicken out because he will get all angry and defensive. I hate to rock the boat because especially over the last 5-6 months he has been pretty wonderful (makes me wonder though what has changed -- like did OW dump him??? and we have really been in false R this whole time?????)

Anyways thanks for letting me vent here! I'm working out a lot and super busy with work which is good as it keeps me from getting into those funk moods.--- Oh and facials, massages, retail therapy all help too -- I'm sure I will be doing a lot of that for the rest of this month!

[This message edited by sharim at 9:59 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

butterflies04,l I'm sorry I didn't respond soner, I just found my way back to this board.

Hospitas areso hard b/c ther are osm nay places that you can see them. She is also ging back to school to be an RN adn my wh is going back for his bachelor's. He says she goes to a different school though, which I believe. She was even on my floor as a student at one point but I didn't even know there was an affair oing on at the time. I was in August adn dday was October. She told him she saw me and it makes me sick.

I want to know everything they talked about and what they said about me but I get very little of that. only if I ask specific questions. The unknown is so had.

She will be a nurse at some point and then they coudl work on the same floor again. I'm surprised she left in the first place after 3 1/2 years. She was in love and wanted him to leave us for her. He says it got stressful b/c she was asking every tim he saw her.

I just hate tht I don't knwo what she looks like and yet I probably pss her in the hall or in the cafeteria. Thankfully it is a large hospital. Unfortunately, it is the onlybig one in the state, so chances are she will be workign there forever, as will we. I hate that more than anything.

Our deal is that if they ever end up on the same floor then he has to leave his job. He has been at this one for 16 years, so he said he woudl hate it but he woudl do it.

I finally have his work email access and check frequently, but nothing yet. I hope and pray he is being honest.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim, hope your H's birthday went well and you both were able to enjoy it. Is there anyway you could tell him that you'd like to find a way, together, to somehow 'take the curse' out of the next couple of weeks of 'antiversaries' ? That you think things are going great between you, but you are still triggered by this time of year. Do you think if you came up with something fun and new for just the two of you, it might help? Even if it's just taking up a new habit together, like setting aside time to walk with each other everyday, or take a class of some sort.

It's so hard. As both a WS and a BS, though, I know how that quiet resentment, or simmering, can build and poison a relationship, opening the door to someone else.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so hard. As both a WS and a BS, though, I know how that quiet resentment, or simmering, can build and poison a relationship, opening the door to someone else.

Hi Mel - Oh yes I know I am so ripe for this but I also know that it wouldn't solve anything. I would just file for D if I had those kind of feelings. We are trying to stay real busy. My work is keeping me busy but then we are doing a lot of things with the kids. There won't be a lot of alone time which maybe is good. I think I might just be one of those people that just doesn't get over this. It has affected me so negatively that I am pretty bitter. It seems that everybody "made out" except me. I am pretty sure that one day I will just say "enough". There will be no drama or anything, I will just be tired of feeling dead and having no self respect. At this point it really doesn't matter what H does or does not do for me (or for anyone else - LOL). I've been through the wringer the last 3 years.

SL - That must be real weird working in the same place like that and not knowing who OW is. I didn't know what OW looked like for like 2 years and then I found a pic of her on myspace so at least now hopefully if I saw her I would know who she is. Hugs. I hope he is being honest too.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
melody
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Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay, party is over. H did great, loving and sweet, dancing w/ me the whole night. I got out of his way so he could say bye to several people, including FOW, w/out my watching. My kids were there, and that helped a lot. Although, when FOW started dancing w/ my son, I think I almost lost it right there on the dance floor. My kids don't know anything about this, so he didn't know anything but she was one of his dad's coworkers.....

Break out the 2 x 4's! I had talked myself into thinking maybe he'd take this last chance w/ his coworkers, including FOW, to say something nice about me==something about loving me and being happy to be starting a new life==I don't know==something! He was great, and thanked all of his co=workers for being wonderful, but nothing about the kids or me. 'the new job is hard, the people are nice, but they can't replace the ones he's worked w/ for the last 12 years, etc.' I worked hard to be a good spouse, pleasant to everyone, even FOW, and figure that as a FWS, I guess I forfeited the right to be mentioned as a helpmate to him, but somehow, I had talked myself into thinking that he would take this last opportunity to let FOW KNOW that he was happy to be starting over w/ me

I should just be happy that this should be the end of it. After several long years, he's no longer working w/FOW, so I guess I graduate from here!


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should just be happy that this should be the end of it. After several long years, he's no longer working w/FOW, so I guess I graduate from here!


Yes, it would have been extra nice to have him say something special but YAHOO!!!! YOU HAVE GRADUATED!!!!! I hope this brings what you and your H need to continue to move successfully forward in your relationship. You both have been through a lot. Please stop by and visit us when you can. Hugs!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Sharim. We are going to be living apart during the week for 6 months until our son graduates from HS, so I'm sure I'll probably be around

Hope you are doing okay.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
hopeforthebest
♀ Member
Member # 15777
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,
Our D-Day was Feb 07 and FWH still works with OW-he finally has a good chance at a good job. I was wondering how any of you handled their WS leaving the place where the OP still works. Do you let them say good bye? I am sure there will be a lunch or probably going out after work for drinks. I really just want him to get out of there but thought maybe I should be there for the final good byes( I am very good friends with everyone he works with.)

Any thoughts?


Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HFTB - Did your H already leave work? If not, obviously it would be great if he just left with no fanfare but if he has an "event" then I think you should go --- especially if it is drinks after work!

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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