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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
hopeforthebest
♀ Member
Member # 15777
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hasn't left yet-still waiting for interview process to end. I think I will be going tho-just in case:)

Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is still looking, somedays I think half-heartedly, but on occasion we discussed what would happen when he leaves, since almost everyone at his current company knows about the affair & knows about the OW's other indescretions with other married men there. I secretely want him to do something to humiliate her. He thinks that when he gives his notice, they will just cut him a check & not let him finish his two weeks for fear he just might do or say something to puplically expose the OW for the cancer she is.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
whydidthishappen
♀ Member
Member # 17880
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have just found out that my husband had unprotected sex with a co-worker that he doesn't really know. They both agree that it happened once and only once. How can he continue to go to work if he wants us to move forward?

[This message edited by whydidthishappen at 10:09 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 51 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: New York
whydidthishappen
♀ Member
Member # 17880
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me say this, he loves his job and he is making his way up the corporate ladder. His peers are amazed at his knowledge and abilities. How can I make him choose? Is it even fair to ask him to leave? His company is small and she is unwilling to leave due to her situation. What do I do?

Posts: 51 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: New York
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, unfortunately, you probably have to come up with that answer yourself. What can you live with? My wh adn teh ow work in the same large hospital (as do I). She switcehd floors about a year ago. We have discussed it and there is no wy I could ever have them work together again. He woudl have to leave and find another job. I realize in a hospital, this is abit different. But I could not move forward knowing they were still able to see each other. Also, mine was a lta, so y perspective may be differnet. I will be interested to see what others think.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is in the same boat, likes his job, has worked hard to get to where is is, has many perks...etc. BUT he should have thought about all that before he got his rocks off with the company bicycle. He did not think about all he would risking when he was going on his "cake walk"


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
SadRabbit
♀ Member
Member # 17919
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband ran off with the office tramp. He's a manager and she isn't, so it's a bit creepy. Also, apparently the general manager had to yell at him at least twice for messing around with her in the stockroom. Unfortunately, they depend on him too much to fire him, which is what he deserves. I also used to work there part time picking up substitute shifts and such (technically still do -- I went in a few days around Christmas -- but there's now only one day a week I can work where neither he nor OW will be there) but now I'm quite humiliated at the fact that all my workplace acquaintances have watched my husband fool around with this person. As soon as he walked out on me he felt free to start seeing her publicly. He told me (though of course I can't believe anything he says) that people there are happy for the two of them. If this is true it's very hurtful since I thought most of the folks there liked me.

[This message edited by SadRabbit at 10:55 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS, female, 36
My WS: male, 36
D-Day: 10/17/07
Married: Ten years as of 3/17/08
Current status: Separated since 11/7/07, divorced on 3/28/08

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Michigan
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Everyone:

My Wh had a two year EA with a woman in his office complex, right after I confronted him the first time, she was moved to another office building, I thought it was the end of it as he said he would not talk to her unless directly work related, that was in August, then he went through this grieving stage and I thought it was over...asked about her in Nov, he said he talked to her last week about a work check...silly me I believed him...then he acted strangely over christmas so I checked his phone, had a text call me when ur alone...so I pulled all records from Sept to Jan...multiple calls to her daily... we have only been married 7 months... Also two weeks ago she tried to get her boss to move her back to his office complex, he called her boss and advised against it...last week her request was denied...thank god! My question is how is everyone handling the person being right there, I don't know what I will do if she doe get to return, I think I will lose it!

All of his coworkers and friends in the complex knew this was going on, and while we were dating engaged for 9 months and married...part of me hates them for knowing and pretending to be nice to me...funny she was never nice to me, gave me the cold shoulder the first time she met me...


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah they did have a physical episode of kissing groping prior to us dating that he told me about when we were only friends...


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not handling it well. My husband does not have to work directly with the OW, some days he never even see's here, but when he does, its across a huge production floor. But still knowing they are there, under the same roof every day, its so degrading to me, feels like having to eat shit politely from a rusty spoon.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mitz -- Yuck - to cut to the chase on this one -- are you sure you would even want to try to work this out? He seems to have major issues.

I'm just past 3 years to D-day and it is awful. Everyday is a battle.

H is currently "depressed" because he feels he has 7 years until retirement (only because he wanted to retire now -- nothing A related) --- I want to clunk him on his head and say "And how do you think I feel --- seven more years of OW in my life!!!!!)He doesn't have a clue what depression is! I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy (oh ok I would wish it on OW LOL). The only good thing is OW is a "known enemy" whereas if he went somewhere else who knows who he would meet. Unfortunately there are a heck of a lot of women who feel "entitled" to really mess up other people's lifes.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the posts, obliterated and S I understand how you feel, it is like we have to take the high road and not act out our pain yet OMW can do whatever she wants and get away with it. My H called today after lunch and said he did good today, he and a male friend went out for lunch and her car was in the parking lot, he decided to go somewhere else, he said he knew it would make me mad to eat in the same restaurant as her...yep that would be correct...glad he told me about it, he also is depressed and made a doc appt. Maybe he will also get to the root of his issues, we are in MC but only had one session so far.
I had a melt down today while cleaning, I cried and cried and cussed (not something I normally do) and cried some more...also found out he has given her gifts...last birthday a 50 dollar gift cert to a restaurant..."so she could go out with her family"....nice but at least he is talking...hang in there both of you...


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the job market bad everywhere else too? My husband has been looking for a new job since June, and honestly, he was being too picky then, but now that this nightmare continues to drag on, it just seems like there are no jobs and I am getting exausted having to deal with this day in and day out.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
hopeforthebest
♀ Member
Member # 15777
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obliterate-I am right there with you-my husband has been looking since March-he is going to have to narrow his focus. I don;t tigger as often but if he is late getting in or coming home i get nervous. It's just such a drain...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH got a call yesterday from a comp he submitted his resume to. He was not home, I took the message & called him at work right away & told him to call them back. He said he did & had to leave a message. So I just talked to him a little bit ago at work & he has been too busy to try to call them again... I cant help but to get whipped up when he gets a call back... but I am getting frustrated that he is not making more of an effort to call them back. He has gotten a handfull of job offers since June & turned down because there was alwasy "something" not good about them. I am fearful that he is just looking for things to be wrong so he can turn them down. What if he is just going thru the motions of a job search to appease me? Do I give him an ultimatum/time frame? I can see that blowing up in my face. Help!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Hello ... Bueller? Bueller? Is there anyone but me on this thread? I had a cookie bouqet sent to WH today at work. When it was delivered, he had to go to front office to pick it up, and as he was getting it, the OW walked in... timing can sometimes be priceless


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
justfriends
♀ Member
Member # 17867
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I too sent my H a cookie bouquet. She works the front desk, and he was gone at the time, so she was the one who had to put it one his desk priceless. He was even kind enough to pin the card up on his board for all to see. What a good boy


D-day Jan 2008
me BS (now 42)
him WS with no communication skills or heart
4 month PA
WH left 3/10/12 after 4 years of R and 18 years of M



Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ca
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9584 - I can understand your disappointment that he is not pursuing the new job stuff aggressively but I agree that issuing an ultimatum could backfire. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is -- kind of one of those "heads you lose, tails you lose" situations.

Good job on the cookie bouquets! We had a nice V-day but today I saw on H's calendar that there is an "ice cream social" from 2:30-3:30. H has not said anything to me about it. The place is rampant with A's - it boggles my mind that management even thinks to have stuff like this. H mentioned having to stay later today because of having to take the car in for servicing this morning --- radar is up!

[This message edited by sharim at 12:57 PM, February 15th (Friday)]


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
tj21
♂ Member
Member # 18189
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by tj21 at 3:27 PM, February 15th (Friday)]


BS me 38 years old
WS her 38 years old
married (lived a lie)10 years, together 15
1 kid
D-day 1 1/15/08
D-day 2 1/21/08
D-day 3 3/27/08
WS has "strong feelings" for the other guy.She loves me but is not "in love with me".

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: michigan
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TJ, sounds like she is still in the fog. You should move your post to the Just found out forum. Also, I suggest checking out www.marriagebuilders.com


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
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