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User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back Melody. I hope that you're doing well.

I hope everyone enjoys their holiday weekend. Hang in there.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
verythankful
♀ Member
Member # 8958
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in here too.

I hate it and it drives me nuts at times. I wish she would leave but I am wasting my wish.

I have begged my wh to quit but he won't. He is driven by money and he likes that he makes a good living.


Me bs
Him ws
Married 22 years
dday's 2/27/05 & 3/1/06
Working on R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: CA
loserhusband
♀ Member
Member # 12734
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Everyone,
Just pulling up a chair to join the group. My WS is working the same shift as the FSOW this Wednesday and I am really not happy about it. I soooo wish the FSOW would find a new place of employment. It makes it so hard to work on R when I am still paranoid about them working together. I have just edited my post since it at first seemed like a vent.

[This message edited by loserhusband at 6:27 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]


ME BS 54
HIM WS 56
M 30 years
DD 9/20/06
Wow has it really been that long ago ;(
OP 26 year old co worker

Never make someone a priority who considers you an option
Keep the Faith, but Ration the Trust, It is better to be pissed off than pissed on


Posts: 1091 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: east coast
verythankful
♀ Member
Member # 8958
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What can we do?

After I found out about the A 2 years ago they worked together everyday beside each other and continued contact and lied to me that it was over.

Now after NC was established 7 months ago they still work in the same building but no longer the same schedule or in close promixity.

I am completely out of control in this situation. I have to trust that they are NC and that my wh is not lying to me. That is the toughest part of it all.

But in all honesty it is getting easier and I know that the A is over. I just hate that I have no control.


Me bs
Him ws
Married 22 years
dday's 2/27/05 & 3/1/06
Working on R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: CA
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all :)

Well, we went out of town this weekend, and we really did have a good time. He took friday off, and called into work, he forgot to leave something for payroll or something, and that whore called his cell back...but i answered it..hehe...i was really shitty to her and when i gave him the phone, it accidentally folded closed, and hung up on her. i was pisssssssssed. I yelled from the other room that 'she had a lot of F-ing nerve calling him' ..god i hate her.

What confuses me is that we had a great time this weekend, and he is still planning on moving out. Just for a month he says. I was looking thru the pics on his camera phone saturday and there are 3 pics of an apartment on there. I was like 'when the F did you go look at an apt?' It was thurs over his lunch hour. So he didnt even tell me, or show the pics to me, yet he took them to show me. I asked him saturday when we were having coffee, what was his plan for work? Is he just planning on working there forever or what?
He says no, that if we are going to be together, and he said that he thinks we will, he will have to start looking for a job. What sucks is that we will have to move. But we ended up fighting again today about this apartment. He gets freaked out when i talk about the fact if he is screwing around while he is in his apartment, and worries that he is going to ruin things while he is out.

He is so stupid tho! duh! if he isnt spending time with that whore, then we dont have any problem! He says that right now he doesnt have any plans to see her, he said that in fact, he doesnt have any desire to spend time with her. What bothers me is that little bit of possibility he is leaving himself open..."he doesnt plan on it" is what he says. argh!


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, VeryThankful.

Shelby, I don't understand how moving out is going to help your situation at all. If he wants to work on the marriage, then he needs to stay home and work on it.

His actions aren't matching his words.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelby:

Just a word of caution. While (then)WH and I were separated so that he could 'get his head together', he spent the whole time with FSOW. The seperation gave him more 'freedom' to do it. Especially if they work together, then you know that they're seeing each other regularly. Honestly, that is harder for me to get over than the beginning of the A when I was 'clueless'.
I would seriously consider hiring a PI to 'stake out' his new place and follow him to see if he is using this 'seperation' to sort out his marriage or to pursue his A.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, this weekend i really started thinking about that. Him getting an apt to see her. I just dont trust him, that is the end of it. But, here is the thing...and i know, to the bunch of us, i probably sound naive...but...

they arent spending any time together after work. I know there are times he stays late to work, and i will drive by, and her car is gone. If she wanted to spend time with him, wouldnt she stay? she has the perfect excuse, she could say she was working, or involve him in a conversation. He tells me that she hasnt approached him at all in recent months about anything personal...there have been a few occasions where he has had the oppurtunity to sit and have a few beers with her and others and has refused, come home and told me about it.

He says he just wants some time alone. He admits he isnt 100% committed, but wants to be. He is waiting for some lightning bolt to hit him. I think him moving out, he will either miss me or not. Missing me is his lightning bolt, if he doesnt, then there is our answer..and we get divorced. He told me yesterday that he isnt movin out to be with her, it isnt the plan, right now he has no desire to spend time with her and he doesnt see that changing. He looked me right in the eye when he said it..he is not a good liar..i know that. I do believe him, i just know that when he goes i will be insane. I get confused as to how we can have a great time, get along so perfectly, and he still wants to go.

Really, if he wants to go and sneak around, what can I do about it? Follow him around and make myself crazy? No...it is time for the 180, and for me to move on with my life, for the sake of my kids. I have to improve my mental health to raise them well, you know? So.fuck him... he has to decide. I am tired of trying to convince him how great it is here, or how fun i am, he knows. So..if he needs to move out to realize that i am the best thing to happen to him, then he can go. I have told him 100% though, if he is running around, i will file for divorce. so...i just tell him to do what he needs to do, and whatever happens we deal with it then...

he gets very scared when i tell him that i will divorce him if he spends time with her, and doesnt want to move out. Wouldnt you think that would be a clue to himself that he doesnt want a divorce? duh. idiot.

hey, thanks for listening.


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're right - if he wants to run around on you, he will. Sounds like you've got the right attitude to take this head-on. Go 180, take care of yourself and let him make his own screw-ups.

Stay strong.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks :) my posts seem to ramble on, but you just have all of this inside to get out, you know?

It is easier said than done, but I am really going to have to make some changes here. Limbo sucks.

I have a 2yr old to potty train, a 7yr old in swimming, i work at home, and i need to work as much as possible, i am not making enough to pay bills, i am taking 12 hours at the community college, so that i can get a better job. I have a 3bdrm house that needs bedrooms and bathroom painted, and gobs of laundry ...

I really dont have time for his shit. I would love to see that spoiled rich pain in the ass bitch try to handle what i do. Of course she has time to sit and listen to him whine. give me a break.


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think that the 180 is the way to go. I totally agree with that. I believed my (then)WH as well when he told me he was just taking time alone 'to think.' I would still hire the PI. That way, you will know right away whether he is doing this to sort out his marriage or to test the waters with F(?)OW. If you find out there is still contact, you can just cut your losses and server him with D papers. If you find out that the A has ceased, then you will have the peace of mind. That is just me, though.

Also, just because he's not seeing her after work, doesn't mean that there isn't 'lunch break' or 'coffee break' time. The PA could be put on hold while the EA continues.

Of course, I'm probably just jaded because (then)WH gaslighted and lied to me so much during our separation. I also saw myself posting on SI a lot of the things that you are "I really do believe him that he isn't seeing her." or "I do think that he is taking this time to think." Should've trusted my gut. Stupid gut.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree.. I think that it will be a good way to see what he wants. If he goes to continue seeing her, then we are done. I am really just ready to find out and move on. We either move on together or apart.


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs Shelby.

I think that so long as you are aware of the possibility that he may see her, and you stand your ground on the N/C thing..then let him go.

Its not the ideal situation..as Hurt says, he the best would be for him to stay put and work on your M w/you. But sounds like he is pretty set on leaving.
I just dont get how in 1 month he will "decide".
What happens after 1 month, and he isnt ready or hasnt committed either way still. Does he get more time?

I think a separation CAN help, IF you have a plan of attack. Sit and write it out even.
Boundaries. What if's. Timelines etc.

I hope for your sake that he sees sooner than later what he will be missing when he leaves. Right now, I think maybe he is in fantasy land that this temp split will "open his eyes".

AND I would also consider a PI too..or at very least a GPS tracker. ?
My H and I were split up last year and thats when the A thrived...the whole time he was calling me and emailing and telling me how much he missed me and loved me...but the A was well underway.

I just worry for you..b/c the split can go either way.

180 would be a good way for you to go.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well i was just talking to a friend of mine, and she said.....

'if he cant promise to stay away from her then, how can he do it now? what does it matter where he lives?'

and it is true. He says he isnt committed 100%, that is why he is moving out. to figure out why. So wtf are we waiting for? I have done everything but wipe his ass with gold toilet paper and it hasnt made him realize...so go then. argh!

i just called and we are getting in with the counselor this thursday night, where we will def. discuss his 'fence sitting'..


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
future tense
♀ Member
Member # 8664
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm grappling with this big time and need to know when to freak out (like yesterday?). My FWH works with OW and we've been reconciling. We're in MC and doing well. Basic agreements; no personal contact, no responding to personal emails OW sends. Just ignore ignore ignore. That's been violated more than once. The messages are entirely tame, but still, personal in nature, not required for work. When do you throw their shit on the front lawn? How much is too much?

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2005
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you written a no contact letter to the OP?
It may help to do, since OW seems to still be trying to initiate contact even thru the ignoring.

And has your XWS notified his boss? Are they aware of the situation?

The only way I get thru the day, is that I know for a fact my H's boss knows about the A, has spoken to XOW about N/C and she has been warned.

Exposure usually does the trick, if time and ignoring dont do it first.


And I wanted to add, and I'm sorry if this is out of line.
Are you certain the A is over??
I was "Sure" too, but turned out that even after d-day, I found that the A resumed after about a month.

AND the only proof I had was a few texts, secret phone calls from differnt numbers, to my H's cell. He was VERY careful never to have her # appear on his call log. That way, he could "Blame" it all on her...when now I know for a fact that he was indeed talking to her using his work email and work phone.

For me, the A ended on the day when I saw a text from her. I called my H, told him he could "HAVE HER"....I was DONE. Get your Crap out of my house and be gone!
Sure it was just me spewing...but something changed in him that day...he turned a corner after that phone conversation.

Not that I am thinking that your H's A continues...but just an FYI that just b/c he doesnt contact her..doesnt mean the A is over necessarily.

Hang in there!

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 3:53 PM, April 9th (Monday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
verythankful
♀ Member
Member # 8958
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelby I feel for you.

I do agree with the fact if he is going to cheat then he will cheat. My wh was home the entire time and continued contact. Contact was continued for another year and a half and the whole time he lied to me about it.

If he will cheat while at home then he will cheat while he is away. Location is not the problem. They are the problem.

Being alone will give him more opportunity but maybe it will give him the chance to realize that he wants you.

What if while away you discover that you don't want him?? Did he even consider that?


Me bs
Him ws
Married 22 years
dday's 2/27/05 & 3/1/06
Working on R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: CA
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if while away you discover that you don't want him?? Did he even consider that?

Oh i think that might be partly why he still lives here


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
broken0409
♀ Member
Member # 10390
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a tough subject. My H worked with the other women in his life. After almost a year he finally found another position in our town.

Do I feel less threatened? No.

Are there plenty of opportunities? Yes. Email, internet chats, phone calls, etc. Just because he is not in the same building does not mean he is NC. (I wouldn't believe him if he said he was.)

I can say that having him out of the same building has helped though.

Good luck to all of you, no matter what you decide is right for you...

((hugs))


1st D Day - April 9, 2006
2nd D Day - May 5, 2006



Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Virginia
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My official forum graduation date: May 31. After that date, I will no longer be allowed to post on this forum. Yay! Psycho-whore's contract is officially over at that point.

Of course, the shine rubs off when I have to deal with the fact that this month and next, the A was in full swing.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
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