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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
justfriends
♀ Member
Member # 17867
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my H just told me that she was in the office talking to two other people today. VERY small office, so of course he overheard. She was talking about going to a bar this weekend, and some guy tried to pick up on her. WTF!!!!!!!!!!! I believe she is just in the beginning stages of trying shit to lure him back. Any advice???? I did send him cookies on V-day, and he could tell that pissed her off.


D-day Jan 2008
me BS (now 42)
him WS with no communication skills or heart
4 month PA
WH left 3/10/12 after 4 years of R and 18 years of M



Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ca
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess, my advise is to talk to your WS about it & make sure he knows its "fishing" and not to fall for it. The simplest things may seem like nothing, but it is really fishing. Try to help him see how pathetic it is what she is trying to do.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
darkandempty
♀ Member
Member # 18182
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have a fiance who was/is (Im not sure if its over, he says it is) having an affair with a co worker.

Hes a manager and shes not but that really doesnt matter to me.

It is so humilitating because everyone at his office knows and to complicate matters more the OW is very closely related to WS's boss...the boss is actually helping OW to get WS. Arranging OW shifts so that she is at work when WS is there, things like that. I used to go to his office all the time the people there were always nice except her ofcourse. She was always very rude to me...very arrogant as if I'M the one messing with her relationship. Before I had any proof of what was going on we had several run ins and at the time I thought her behaviour towards me was strange but I really didnt know what to make of it since every time I asked WS what was going on between them he said nothing that they were "just friends" .

Ive stopped going to his office but we work fairly close to each other so I try not to go in his direction but sometimes its impossible. I run into her all the time...that usually ruins my day.

He said that they dont talk but then last night I found out that he is helping her with some personal problem she has. When I tried to talk to him about it he got angry saying that Im making a big deal of nothing. I hate him for doing this to me and for continuing to help her after all the embarrassment hes caused me.

I know that she thinks hes a good catch because he can help her financially and all that...you know her type but I think he thinks that she is genuinely in love with him. Such a FOOL!!!


Every woman deserves to be loved exclusively

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Here in my own little corner of hell
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dark, so sorry to hear about your situation. In my case, there is no other option other than my WH finding a new job. It's going to be tuff, as he wont likely be making the same $ & will loose all he has worked hard for the past 16 years, but he has finally realized, we cant move any more forward until this part of the nightmare is over. On a positive note from that... He has a job interview on Monday at a place that is only 2.5 miles from our home. I try not to get so excited everytime he gets an interview, but I do... and to this point, only to be disappointed that it does not result in anything. Still hoping.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ob 9584 -- Great news about the job interview!!!!

darkandempty -- I don't know much about your sitch but I would think long and hard about whether you want to stay in your current relationship. You may be actually "lucky" that your fiance has shown his true colors before you invest more of your life with him.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ditto Sharim.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
BobInBillings
♂ Member
Member # 18251
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW works with OM. It's a part-time weekend job that she refuses to give up.

I hate this. I hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it....HATE IT!


The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Feb 2008
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Bob -- Sorry that you have to be here -- but WELCOME! I read your profile. Don't beat yourself up for the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's" of the past. We all have those. I'm definitely no expert on this stuff but from reading here and just "living", I would recommend that you really focus on yourself and your kids right now. Your WW is toying with you if you ask me. If she really wants to make your m work, she needs to find another job --- willingly. I am assuming that since this is just a part-time job that it wouldn't be too horribly difficult to find something else that would be suitable. Until she gets to the point of doing that, do the 180 pretty much. It'll help you quit driving yourself crazy with all this A stuff and she may start singing a different tune when she takes off the blinders that she must have on right now (JMHO).

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
BobInBillings
♂ Member
Member # 18251
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I AM trying. This 180 stuff is HARD, it SO counter-intuitive to me.

I just know that the ME that was there, wasn't enough to bring her back.


The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Feb 2008
2hurt
Member
Member # 12799
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to see if anyone feel like I'm feeling. My FWH had a one-weekend stand with a co-worker in 11/06 and I have had a really difficult time getting through this, even though my husband has been remorseful & wonderful in helping me through it. He and OW are NC but do run into each other in the halls from time to time. One month ago he accepted a position in another town, which he accepted and we were overjoyed to not have her presence hanging over our heads. Today is his last day and I feel so emotionally unstable. After 15 months, of up and down, (very low downs) I'm feeling a bunch of emotions at once. I feel kinda flat, but I feel anxious too, I'm sad because I'm going over what I've been through for over a year, I feel lost, like I have had these feelings for so long and now I won't have to worry about him bumping into her. I'm tired and I'm wired. I can't sit still but I feel like sleeping. I think I should just feel happy and relived, but ... I'm not feeling that. What is wrong with me?


BS - 39 Me
WH - 43
3 month affair ending with
One weekend-stand with co-worker
DDay 11/20/06
R'ing nicely (on most days)

Posts: 467 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: NJ
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob - Don't assume that "you" aren't enough. I do understand some of what your WW may be feeling (though her manner of dealing with it is wrong to me) and it really is more of how she feels about herself.

I know in my past there are sitchs that I could have handled better with my H. Since I can't change the past I try to look at being the person I want to be in the future. Sometimes I think in my head -- if I were single and looking for someone, how would I act (or react) - what would I be doing (or not doing). This gets me back on track because my H isn't going to want to be with someone who is depressed and mopey (even if he is the one that caused it). It's actually pretty weird how he was recreating our initial relationship with OW (down to some very, very specific details).

Your WW is living an "escape" fantasy with this guy (I'm sure you already realize this). She doesn't have to live in the "real world" when she is with him (kids, house, etc.). She gets to be this different person. It's fun but eventually the "real world" will hit this relationship, too.

Do you have someone who can watch the kids while you try to "date" again? If you do, ask her out for a date --nothing heavy -- movie or dinner. If she has an excuse, shrug it off. Don't be upset. Maybe even go to the movie by yourself. If she knows she has you wrapped around her finger, she's going to continue behaving the same way.

Just some ideas.

[This message edited by sharim at 1:56 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
BobInBillings
♂ Member
Member # 18251
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We DO occasionally go on dates (actually we're going out next Friday night to take in a play for her class).

But, I've been trying this 180 thing a little bit, and dates are not allowed according to that.


The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Feb 2008
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2Hurt, what you're feeling is normal. You're not happy because even though he's leaving that situation, he's heading for a new one. A new situation means new people, and for you, new worries. It doesn't matter that it's a new place, you don't trust him, and no one can blame you for that.

Heck, my DDay was June 15th, 2007; the OW is still on maternity leave; my H has a safety meeting at work tonight and I STILL get nervous because I can't trust him fully.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, I've been trying this 180 thing a little bit, and dates are not allowed according to that.

Oops - I guess I do more of the 120 I just try to be like I would be in a new relationship and not get overly "involved". I don't let him get me all upset (somedays easier than others). I think it has helped our relationship.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has job interview today... It's very distracting to me. Trying not to get my hopes up to high. Also, want to share something that happened Friday after work. WH and I went to a bar to meet some friends & listen to some live music. When we arrived, we ran into 3 of WH's co-workers, so we sat down to have one with them until our friends arrived. Fifteen minutes later, the OW walks in , has the balls to walk up to the group & start chatting with the other 3. She kept saying she could only stay for one as she had to get home to pack, she has to be out of her house in two weeks (just divorced & has no where to go yet :-) One of the other co-workers kept saying "stay for another" I reached over one person, put my hand infront of this guy and said "NO, really, she can only stay for one"... It felt so empowering.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
unable2go4ward
♀ Member
Member # 16544
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH & coworker work in the same team at work. At times it is just the two of them. She is 10-15 years older than he is and not anything that I would imagine he would be with. A group of people from work went out one night after work. Everyone else had left, she performed oral sex on him. They both swore it was the only time something has happened between them and say it was the alcohol. They have continued to work together for the last 6 months. Sometimes this bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. It is a good paying job, WH is not college educated and it would be hard to find something comparable. Is this situation different then when there is a LTA with emotions involved? Am I being naive?

[This message edited by unable2go4ward at 2:57 PM, February 25th (Monday)]


Me/BS
Him/WH

D-day #1 Sept 14, 2007
D-day #2 Oct 24, 2007
D-day #3 Jan 8, 2008
Each time he swears I know it all, but the truth keeps on trickling. . .


Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Ohio
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think you are being naive. Go with your gut. If I had listened to my gut, I may have stopped my WH's cake walk with the company bicycle from reaching the point it did. My feeling is that everyday my H goes to work with her there is degrading & disrespectful to me, our kids & our marriage. And according to some, the likelyhood of the affair starting again are good if they continue to work for the same company. Thank goodness my H is trying to change that... literally as I type, he is on a job interview.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OB9584 - Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Right now my H is at a meeting that OW is at -- Ugh! I wish he could change jobs but it is never going to happen. She's not going anywhere either.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H just called, the interview did not even last 30 minutes. He could tell by their tone, he was not what they were looking for. I'm sitting at work & am paralyzed, afraid if I move or look at anyone, I am going to start to cry. One would think with each new interveiw he goes on, it would get easier, but it just gets harder & harder. It's like someone holding my head under water & just as I black out, they bring me back just to do it all over again.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


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