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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
justfriends
♀ Member
Member # 17867
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red vixen,

Your H's affair was very short, and he has been nothing but remorseful. He knows his bad choice, and will not go there again. You have to believe that. You have to believe he is now too smart to fall for anything she might play.

I know it's hard...but have faith in everything you've built since D-Day. He says he feels nothing for her (the same thing I'm told)....believe in that. Don't let her ruin your nice R.


D-day Jan 2008
me BS (now 42)
him WS with no communication skills or heart
4 month PA
WH left 3/10/12 after 4 years of R and 18 years of M



Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ca
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just Friends... I am crossing my fingers for you as well as myself. It seems the Schwinn (company bicycle) in my case can screw up and anyone all she wants & nothing happens. But I still have hope that something will happen


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
Sicofitall
♀ Member
Member # 18508
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to this list.
WH was OW's boss when the A started. She no longer works for him but still has to go through him to get deals done. IOW they communicate often.
Since the 2nd DDay he has told me they have only been on conference calls and coppied on emails..no one on one communication, and no business trips together, which they used to exploit to the HILT!.
Who knows? I don't trust him to tell me the truth.

He's been interviewing for other positions that would get him away from her, but so far nothing has come up except a job that would entail a move to Boston, and he's a midwest boy who hates the east coast. It's also a lateral job that is sort of a gamble in salary being mostly commission.

I feel for all of my fellow SI's that are in this position. It sucks big time!


BW (me)52
WH 53
Maried 31yrs
Together 36yrs
DS's 24 & 29

DD 6/28/07
SD 8/29/07
2nd DD 1/13/08
DD #3 9/21/08


Posts: 497 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Smack dab in the middle
gromaz
♂ New Member
Member # 18732
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W and the OM worked together at a school and regularly got together early or late for banging in the classrooms. The OM admitted that one of their goals was to bang in all of them, eventually. I didnt learn about the A until way after it was over but I should have known. I knew about one hookup but believed the promises and ignored some obvious clues. What a fool I was.


M 40 years
WS 3 yr Affair 38 years ago and maybe some new ones.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Westchester County, NY
Gin-ger
New Member
Member # 18808
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guys,

Am brand new, can I join in??
Am still only two weeks from finding out that the affair with boss which allegedly ended last Oct was still going on. I found out by going to see her and asking when she last saw him. Hoping she would say the same as WS had said to give me some reassurance. But no. 'Yesterday' she replied. i think i could have thrown up on the spot.
My concern is that they have allegedly finished and got back together many times. Apart from this, my marriage is ( was?) fantastic. Now things are different in that he has told our kids. He says he is sure it's me he wants not her. She is weird anyway and I cannot see what he sees in her. Really. But how do you get that trust back??
We are also living overseas at the moment so do not have family and friends round for support. I am seeing a counsellor and have my sister to call/email, otherwise do not have close friends to talk to here.
WS is normally a lovely person and my best mate as well as partner for 20+ years. Kids are furious with him.
But as the affair included little 'trips' at lunchtimes, all day every day I am sick with worry. Now it's all out in the open she is allegedly ignoring him and says she doesn't want to speak to him as she can't believe a word he says ( she says she thought we were separated, we're not) but when the anger dies will they go back together.
Any tips on regaining trust please????? I want to stay married and he says he does too. he hates himself for what he has done and it is significantly affecting his health.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NZ
no way back
♂ New Member
Member # 18902
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Gin-ger,
I'm also brand new here and have almost the same story to tell.
My wife admitted to a 'short' affair after the summer holidays in 2006. She had fallen in love with her boss, who admired her, addored her, etc. etc. She felt guilty and said it would be over. As I'm apparantly such a thrusty fool, I believed her without a single doubt (unbelievable if I think back). Two month ago she confessed that their relation had never stopped. This in itself is bad enough, but she's also convinced she's able to keep working 'under' him. She has finally found a job she likes and can grow in (wonder how that's possible).
She is very sorry for what she has done to me, but not really about what happened (would appreciate a female explanation from any woman reading this, as I don't understand it).

At the moment my only options are to accept her position or leave. But leaving would mean saying goodby to my kids, something I'm not (yet) willing to accept. She seems very willing to continue together, but also asks me if she can still stay 'friends' with her boss. Off course that's something I simply can't accept.
As to trust, it's currently absent and I'm also wondering if it ever comes back.
I feel such a stupid sob and don't have a clue what to do?
Any advise or experience would be greatly appreciated.


BS: Male 39
WS: Fem. 38
Together 18+ years
2 kids
1st D-Day Sept. 2006
2nd D-Day Jan. 2008
Status: depressed, angry, sad

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2008
Gin-ger
New Member
Member # 18808
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi No way back,

Interesting isn't it how the WSs still want to have cake and eat it??

Sadly, I think I can understand that a certain level of civility is needed at work. But how can you be 'friends' with someone you have been so intimate with and how can they expect that to be ok with spouse? If spouse really does want to give marriage a go then they need to understand that things have to change and that they may include some loss to them ie not to have chance to grow professionally. My WS is applying for every job that comes up but no takers yet and in the meantime still sees her every day.

I also sympathise with the kids angle. What a choice, well it's no choice is it? I guess it depends on how good your marriage was before all this happened and if there is any hope for a R. How well you can get on day to day. Can you be civil? Can you be happy?

I'm also keen to know the answer to the question - when is it ok to put your own needs in front of your children's - if ever? Our kids are 15 and 18 so are nearly independent.

Sorry, bit of a rushed reply will think further....


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NZ
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is very sorry for what she has done to me, but not really about what happened (would appreciate a female explanation from any woman reading this, as I don't understand it).

I think she was feeling bad about herself and OM provided the ego boost she needed. If she is truly remorseful then eventually she will realize that the "ego boost" was not worth the damage it has done to you and your marriage. I think it takes time for the WS to get to that point though and from what you say she isn't there yet (e.g. she still wants to be "friends" ).

I am very much in the same position as you -- accept the situation or see my kids half time so I bide my time and see if things get better before my children turn 18.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
no way back
♂ New Member
Member # 18902
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Gin-ger,

Thanks for your support. I can imagine that you get at least some sort of confort from the fact that your H is trying to find a new job. Although it will be hard every time he's turned down.
As to civilty at work, I understand that. But she basicly wants a platonic relation with the man. And that scares the s.. out of me. Because how long are you able to resist that type of contact on a daily basis? I try to explain her that, but she fails to see my point. It's just a blank spot with her.

Btw, we also live abroad so I understand your lack of friends to talk with. Just to get some sympathy and understanding.

That your kids are mad is understandable. No kid is able to understand this.
My WS had a father who jumped from one woman to another and she suffered through it all. It was one of my pillars on which my thrust was based; she had experienced it all herself and wouldn't do that to her own family.

And about trust, I'm not sure. I've been betrayed (succesfully) for so long, that I'm not sure I can ever get it back. I really hope so, but at the moment I would feel totally stupid if I trusted her again. Maybe for you it feels different; I suppose it depends on each specific situation. But I wouldn't be too trusty in the beginning. They have shown that they are able to lie and cheat with ease, and just that they're sorry doesn't mean they stop being dishonest. (I'm not sure if this is very supportive, but that what I think at the moment).
And as to the childeren, I think they should come first because they are the really innocent victems. And they can't do anything about it. You probably should eat a lot of dirt before you throw in the towel, just because of them. Unless you think they will be better of in a new situation where you live apart from you WS. At their age they seem quite independent, but these things still have a tremendous impact on them.

Sharim: thxs for your explanation. I think you're totally right (regetably). Although I also fear it's a bit more than an ego boost she's looking for

As to the kids, I agree. Just hang on as long as possible and try to make that time as pleasant as possible. I probably won't be as it used to be, but it might be bareable.


BS: Male 39
WS: Fem. 38
Together 18+ years
2 kids
1st D-Day Sept. 2006
2nd D-Day Jan. 2008
Status: depressed, angry, sad

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2008
Gin-ger
New Member
Member # 18808
Cool  Posted: 2:51 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again NWB,
Thanks for your support too. Weird isn't it that you are also overseas? I do think being away from home is like putting yr marriage under a microscope. other people seem to rub along together happily enough for years..... How long have you been away for?
Today I feel q positive though no idea why. WS and I get on so well most of the time it is hard to imagine he's also the man who has done all this, If I hadn't actually heard it all from her too I might have thought it was all a dream, well nightmare. I also keep thinking of all those politicians who have affairs and have to face the press and their wives stand next to them, tight lipped. Have always wondered how they can put up with it. Am I being weak in putting up with it??
But it is different for you. Sounds like the affair was a long one and it will take a long time to get over. it is still early days and there is hope that it can all be sorted.
I will stay and support the kids. We do wonder if we were at home would we be more likely to split? But that sounds like we are staying together just for the sake of the kids and it is actually not like that at all.
I guess the most important thing is to keep talking. And after that keep talking some more...


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NZ
*spraki*
♀ New Member
Member # 18948
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I am new here looking for advice. Is there anyone else here who work w/ their FWS and OP?
My H and I have been R for a year now. The OW recently returned from maternity leave (she R w/ her H also) and I am having issues w/ having to see her again everyday. Both my H and I have tried to find other jobs but it would mean a serious cut in pay, we work in a very specialized field.


me 27
fwh 32
Married 7yrs
1 daughter 6yrs old
DDay Dec 2006
R April 2007

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H works out of his office 70% of the time...and I discovered he was having an ea with the woman who helps him with his paper work and reports. She is one of only 2 females that work in his office and I feel she has had these relationships with alot of the guys who work there. I even think my H and another male co worker competed for her attention. My biggest issue now is that he says they only talk about work related issues and that she wasn't the instigator of the relationship, which he says he was the way more into than she was..(that sucks).I have seen cell records to indicate that she was also calling him..this has gone on longer than I probably have records for, they have worked together for 10 years. He didn't want me to say anything to her about my knowing because he felt it might threaten his job. I want her to know that I know, I feel that she would play this game with him for a couple of months, cool it off, and then try again. I hate that she has this much power over my H. He says he doesn't talk to her unless it is about a report and there are no emails...I haven't asked to see his emails..but come on if he really wanted to there could be secret emails. Are there any of you who didn't get to let the ow know you knew? I really think my husband is committed to me and that that was exciting sometimes but he is sorry and really wants to make our marriage better. I just feel that something had to be said between the two of them about me finding out, he says not. Should I tell her or leave it alone? Read my profile for more details. I feel scared whenever I know he is in the office..his office space is far from hers and hers is in the middle of many others, I guess it would be hard for them to spend alot of time together. Sometimes I keep all of this in my head and I don't know how it sounds until I write it down or say it. Forgive me if I ramble!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to be so negative, but he is hiding something. Ten years? Yes, say something to her, and I would not warn him either, as he may try to do some pre-damage control. Even if you dont have proof of anything, you know at least there was inappropriate behaviour , yes, say something!!!! I would post this in the Just found out forum too. There are a lot of very smart people here who can verbalize much better what needs to be said.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got brave enough to come here....I am a little over 3 months past dday...h still works with mow...she doesn't know that I know...he didn't want me to say anything as he was afraid it would jeopardize his job...he said it was mostly him and now they have contact only about work related issues...their offices are not close and he is out in the field 75% of the time...their contact was mostly by cell and email. I hate that she doesn't know that I know...and that she could try to entice him again at anytime...which I think that she has been doing for probably years....I want to let her know that I know...why should she not realize what kind of pain she has caused and that I didn't contact her husband, but still could. I don't have all the info about their relationship although I feel she ...being one of only 2 women in the office of 18 men...she encourages one of more of these guys into some secret dalliance of flirting and fantasy all the time..does it excuse my H...no...I worry everyday that especially since he is limiting their contact...(if that is true)no more personal emails, no cell phone calls, he bought her a Christmas gift!!!!) that she will be even more interested in his attention. He swears that this dalliance had just escallated to that point of cell calls and emails and that after I found out he just stopped and she hasn't questioned that...how many of you believe that? And how could I ever really know for sure...I know that if he wanted to, he would...I want her to know...how can I do that...he is really being so seemingly committed to me and our marriage now and strongly opposes me telling her...I kind of understand, but wonder if he is trying to protect her or his job...I care some days and some day wth!! Help!!!!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't know how that happened...I had drafted this and the previous post and sent the other one...I am losing my mind!!!!no kidding I seriously am having issues with memory and everyday functioning!!! So, should I call her today and then plead temporary insanity?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call...Tell... EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. Call her H first & tell him & then call her & tell her you know & that you have already told her H. Nothing keeps an A going better than secrecy. Expose it!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
holdingontight
New Member
Member # 19029
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I found myself here along with too many other people. Lord help us all!

I got the speech DDay on 8/07 and was told him and OW were only friends. My gut told me yeah right and I was right. On 1/08 I confronted H again and this time he told me the A had been going on for 2 years. H stated they were in love.

One month later I gave him till the end of the month to decide to leave or end the A and work on the R. One week later he seemed sincere and told me the A was over, but they work together. This really pisses me off that he says they only see each other when the shifts change. He works the early shift and she works the late shift. Last week OW switched shifts with another co-worker so they did work together. H stated he did not talk to her.

When H put closure to the A he told OW there could be no phone calls, no contact, only business at work. He stated she was upset, but stated she was already seeing someone else, since she figured he was going to stay with me and make things work.

My H has been honest and truthfull to me so I really feel he does want the R to work, but him still working with the OW is killing me. Is it possible to get past this and is there any hope for a true R when WS and OW still work together?


Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2008
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, holding, there is a chance for true reconciliation. As long as you both really, really want to R, and he's doing everything he can to help you heal. But it will take time - lots of time. And you'll still have bad moments. A two year A is a lot to forgive.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
feelinginthedark
♀ Member
Member # 10933
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 606 | Registered: Jun 2006
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been 19 months since d-day & H still works with OW. Its tough, somedays are worse than others. I dont know if I can go on like this indefinetely. H is looking for a new job & rumor has it OW is looking now too, but we've heard that before, so I am not banking on her leaving. I hold onto the hope that he will find something soon & we can move past this obsticle in our R


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
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