Not sure I've gotten an answer on that one yet.
My main condition for staying together was for him to find a new job. He finally admitted he isn't going to quit. Too close to retirement and many companies in his field are laying off workers. So I had to decide if I could live with them working together. We have come up with a few ways to ensure that NC is kept. I am learning to live with it. But is still hard on a daily basis. We are also nearing a year since Dday #1.
XWH died Dec. 2010
I know I'm being silly - he keeps telling me how glad he is that he came to his senses; how much he treasures our relationship. Someone tell me what i'm feeling is normal, please!!
Trust your gut!! You are not being silly!!!! It is like having a bad sunburn - and somebody gently touches your back. IT HURTS LIKE HELL -
Pre-Affair - if hubby had a business meeting at night - or he came home in a good mood, it probably wasn't a big deal - Now - you are just more sensitive to his behavior.
And once you are called crazy its hard to change that--what do you do? walk around the office going "I am not crazy. I am not crazy" Yeah that won't make you look crazy!
Plus its a way to protect your marriage. If his coworkers think you are awesome and tell him how awesome you are--well he would look pretty stupid cheating on an awesome wife right?
But if they are all talking about how lame their wives are--well that is a different environment for OW to prey in.
So all I can say is I made my presence known. My WH started talking me up to his coworkers. I called a LOT and came to visit a lot. If I had it in me I would have made everyone go out to dinner with us or whatever to prove that I am "normal"
And slooooowly it is working. His coworkers talk to me on the phone when I call, they say nice things about me to WH, they ask him about me....
But it was hard and frustrating to be so patient. And there are still coworkers in what I would call the cheating club who still think I am nuts--but I have reached a point where I don't care. Because WH now sees them as people who risk their marriage by flirting and having secret email accounts...and he now sees that NO ONE respects that behaviour. They are all jealous that he has a wife that he loves and that he is not "tempted" and thinks they are nuts.
So that was quite a novel! LOL!! Hope it helped.
OW works for a different company than WH but they each are trained to teach a 10-week night class, which is how they met and conducted their A. WH is in charge of scheduling the classes, so he can be sure they don't teach together. He has written a NC letter to OW but occasionally has to email her with info. related to the class.
OW has been scratching and clawing to try to teach with him again, and has gone as far as copying his boss with an email full of reasons she should. She is trying to manipulate WH into spending more time with her, perhaps to get things going again, or perhaps to punish him for dropping her for me.
It's stressful but I know WH hates it and gets to see how controlling and manipulative she really is. It's the professional equivalent of boiling his bunny.
WH is looking for another job but as someone else said here, in this economy, it will take time. Plus, I will not have him taking a job that's anything less than what he currently has. She's taken enough of my peace of mind and happiness; she doesn't get to diminish his career satisfaction or our financial future.
[This message edited by dayatatime at 9:46 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]
Thanks for listening!
All of As were at work...and we work at the same place. Some sex at work.
There's no way I can ever trust him. How can he be transparent when he had sex at work while I was there.
Offered to find a new job, but I told him he'd just find someone else to screw.
He's moving out and telling me I'm breaking up the family by asking him to leave.
Don't buy into it. This is such typical behavior. Stay strong. Hugs!
My h. had an EA with the skank in 2001, eventually coming out of the fog and coming to his senses. It helped that he and she were divided into different departments eventually.
Years have passed, and I learned in December 2007 that they'd been having a phone relationship since August 2007. It all started when his dad died, and she called him to offer her condolences, and he fell right back into the old pattern of playing knight in shining armor to her damsel in distress.
This time I handled it very differently. I called that bitch on the phone immediately and let her have it. I called her home and spoke to her husband. I called her coworkers and his, and told them what was going on, and called all of my and h.'s family members and told them what he'd been caught doing.
It made people uncomfortable and embarrassed, but at that point (and now) I could care less. My attitude was, I have done NOTHING wrong, and I am NOT going to hide or cover this up for one second this time to save either of your jobs, your credibility, your reputations--nothing! You sluts made this mess, now you're going to be involved in dealing with the consequences.
This definitely worked for me, and that is still not the end of it.
So instead of saying "skank", it said "Doreen" (his sister).
I noticed calls out to "doreen" and incoming from "doreen" for months, and never considered they weren't legit. I only caught on by looking at my bill one day while paying it in December, and noticed calls that were being made on Saturday afternoon, Sunday night, weird times of the evening, or during the middle of the day while I was at work, and he was working from home that day, etc.
In my WH's case, he was not so much attracted to the OW as he was in such a state of grief and denial and dissatisfaction with life that he was willing to take some "fun" when it was offered. He now says she is not the sort of person he would seek out.
And further, in my own case, I had a very brief A (one evening, followed by tremendous guilt) toward the end of my first marriage. When I saw the OM again months later, I couldn't believe I had had such a strong attraction to him...not because he was ugly, just not the right person for me.
Hope this helps.
My WH works for the same company as the xOW, but not in the same department. The day after d-day (5/19/07)he sought her out, ended the A and told her not to contact him again. With the exception of one email from her, asking to be IM buddies again (which he didn't respond to) there has been NC. He does see her on occasion and lets me know of the "sighting", but there is no verbal contact.
My "situation" is this: last night H told me that he has to give a briefing to the group she works in and of course she will be there. My stomach just started doing flip flops and I have a small herd of butterflies now. He is very committed to us and I have regained a great deal of trust. What am I afraid of? It's not as though she's going to come on to him in front of a group of co-workers. I have asked my H to call me as soon as the briefing is over and to contact me if for any reason he finds himself alone with her and to save any emails she may send him (he has been having trouble with his computer and she is one of 2 people who would be able to fix it).
If you have had a similar situation, how did you handle it? I am trying to keep all the positive work we have done in mind. Maybe it's just the "it happened once, maybe it could happen again" fear. I do plan to send him off to work with a BIG smile on his face (hope that's not TMI). Thanks for "listening"