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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
CaseyInWPBFL
♂ Member
Member # 19117
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At our last counseling session I asked, "What's more important? Your job or your marriage?"

Not sure I've gotten an answer on that one yet.

C


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 51
Date of Discovery: Feb 1st, 2008
Married 20 years.
15 month affair between her and co-worker.
One teenage daughter.
Status: Working on recovery

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: West Palm Beach, FL
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My OW is the only F in the office with 7 Men. My H swears they never had sex at work or in his car. Otherwise the car would be gone.....Since I spoke with OW I believe them.

My main condition for staying together was for him to find a new job. He finally admitted he isn't going to quit. Too close to retirement and many companies in his field are laying off workers. So I had to decide if I could live with them working together. We have come up with a few ways to ensure that NC is kept. I am learning to live with it. But is still hard on a daily basis. We are also nearing a year since Dday #1.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lifesabeach, we're closing in on a year, too. Actually, in a couple of weeks will be the first year "antiversary" of when the A began. I am triggering so badly today, and I don't know why. Other than he's been in a really good mood; that his boss (who knows about the A) asked him if his good mood was because he "banged T again"; that he feels that he doesn't have to be a mean SOB around the OW. And tonight they're having a contract negotiation meeting in a hotel with members of the union and management (he's part of management), it's 8:30pm and he's not home yet. I'm getting antsier by the minute. I know I'm being silly - he keeps telling me how glad he is that he came to his senses; how much he treasures our relationship. Someone tell me what i'm feeling is normal, please!!


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds normal to me! Have you told him that you are triggering? If you did, is he being supportive?

I know I'm being silly - he keeps telling me how glad he is that he came to his senses; how much he treasures our relationship. Someone tell me what i'm feeling is normal, please!!

Trust your gut!! You are not being silly!!!! It is like having a bad sunburn - and somebody gently touches your back. IT HURTS LIKE HELL -

Pre-Affair - if hubby had a business meeting at night - or he came home in a good mood, it probably wasn't a big deal - Now - you are just more sensitive to his behavior.


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenDreamz, thank you. I'm feeling much better, both because he came home exhausted and yet happy to see me, with plenty of union contract stories; and because it's a new day and I'm feeling better. Funny, I seem to be past much of the hurt, but just this past couple of days it's been so strong! Weird how it'll come out of nowhere.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Busy weekend so I just got a chance to read the posts. It has been One year since the A started. I had the same triggers as you. I was very emotional and felt I had stepped right back to the beginning emotionally. What got me past it was my FWH. Held me close and told me again how very sorry he was, He promised me it will never happen again not with anyone. He feels that between IC and the reading he has done he is prepared to protect our relationship. That really made me feel better. I have been encouraging him to tell me how he is feeling. I think it helped us both. Glad you are feeling better.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many of you also fee rejected by your WS's co-workers (other than the OP)? Almost everyone at FWH's work knows about the A, and the other two employees the OW has had affairs with... and some of FWH's co-workers have declared their dislike for her and declaired their support for FWH... But one of them, the one who proclaimed his "loyalty" to us jsut did something really hurtful , not directly to us, but knowing it would be hurtful & it has to do with OW & the retard she is dating now. I'm mad all over again, hurt & even more mad for letting it hurt me. I feel rejected & like 2nd place all over again. Why do I feel I have to win over those pieces of shit FWH works with?


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

598 days since D-Day... and FWH still working with OW. No hope she will leave & with the economy the way it is now, his job search has resulted in nothing... Some days I wish I were numb all over.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
Hurtnhumiliated
♂ Member
Member # 19412
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like I'm part of this group now too. Unless WW keeps her word (which happens....NEVER), and quits her job.


Me - BS 33 years old
Her - I can't believe it, but she's my STBXWW 34 years old (sunnydaysahead?)
DDAY #1 March 30, 2008 (Caught her...she admitted to one sexual encounter)
DDAY #2 May 28, 2008 (OM told me there were many sexual encounte

Posts: 187 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Calgary Alberta Canada
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obliterated--I feel this way too and its been a looooong road. OW told everyone I was possessive, jealous, crazy, making stuff up....

And once you are called crazy its hard to change that--what do you do? walk around the office going "I am not crazy. I am not crazy" Yeah that won't make you look crazy!

Plus its a way to protect your marriage. If his coworkers think you are awesome and tell him how awesome you are--well he would look pretty stupid cheating on an awesome wife right?

But if they are all talking about how lame their wives are--well that is a different environment for OW to prey in.

So all I can say is I made my presence known. My WH started talking me up to his coworkers. I called a LOT and came to visit a lot. If I had it in me I would have made everyone go out to dinner with us or whatever to prove that I am "normal"

And slooooowly it is working. His coworkers talk to me on the phone when I call, they say nice things about me to WH, they ask him about me....

But it was hard and frustrating to be so patient. And there are still coworkers in what I would call the cheating club who still think I am nuts--but I have reached a point where I don't care. Because WH now sees them as people who risk their marriage by flirting and having secret email accounts...and he now sees that NO ONE respects that behaviour. They are all jealous that he has a wife that he loves and that he is not "tempted" and thinks they are nuts.

So that was quite a novel! LOL!! Hope it helped.


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey you guys... Just thought I'd come out of lurking too.

OW works for a different company than WH but they each are trained to teach a 10-week night class, which is how they met and conducted their A. WH is in charge of scheduling the classes, so he can be sure they don't teach together. He has written a NC letter to OW but occasionally has to email her with info. related to the class.

OW has been scratching and clawing to try to teach with him again, and has gone as far as copying his boss with an email full of reasons she should. She is trying to manipulate WH into spending more time with her, perhaps to get things going again, or perhaps to punish him for dropping her for me.

It's stressful but I know WH hates it and gets to see how controlling and manipulative she really is. It's the professional equivalent of boiling his bunny.

WH is looking for another job but as someone else said here, in this economy, it will take time. Plus, I will not have him taking a job that's anything less than what he currently has. She's taken enough of my peace of mind and happiness; she doesn't get to diminish his career satisfaction or our financial future.

BS 47
WH 49
son 7
Dday 9/25/08

[This message edited by dayatatime at 9:46 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well folks, I am at the one-year mark of when the A began. The physical side of it, anyway. Yep, Memorial Day weekend, on Friday last year they decided to have a barbecue at work. The OW had a portable grill; my H ended up doing most of the cooking. They'd already been heavily flirting with each other. She produced a condom; once everyone else left for the day, that's when our marriage as we knew it changed forever.
He's been terrific. She still works there, but it's no consequence to us. He now finds her annoying, and we have too much going on at home with kids and health to really give her any thought. I guess it's strange to see what a difference a year makes. I still have a few weeks until the first anniversary of Dday, but I am happy to tell you that my triggers are fewer and further apart; that this whole thing (thanks to both of us willing to work) has brought us closer together. To anyone new at this mess, as long as you're willing (both of you) to reconcile, it can be done, and you can and will recover.

Thanks for listening!


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
schadenfreude08
♀ New Member
Member # 19621
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has had 3 PAs, one of which was an EA. Still emotional stuff going on, although he denies that. Recently admitted to PAs, but gaslighted me for months when I knew the truth.

All of As were at work...and we work at the same place. Some sex at work.

There's no way I can ever trust him. How can he be transparent when he had sex at work while I was there.

Offered to find a new job, but I told him he'd just find someone else to screw.

He's moving out and telling me I'm breaking up the family by asking him to leave.


Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2008
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's moving out and telling me I'm breaking up the family by asking him to leave.

Don't buy into it. This is such typical behavior. Stay strong. Hugs!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Autumn46
♀ Member
Member # 17479
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another lurker here, same situation.

My h. had an EA with the skank in 2001, eventually coming out of the fog and coming to his senses. It helped that he and she were divided into different departments eventually.

Years have passed, and I learned in December 2007 that they'd been having a phone relationship since August 2007. It all started when his dad died, and she called him to offer her condolences, and he fell right back into the old pattern of playing knight in shining armor to her damsel in distress.

This time I handled it very differently. I called that bitch on the phone immediately and let her have it. I called her home and spoke to her husband. I called her coworkers and his, and told them what was going on, and called all of my and h.'s family members and told them what he'd been caught doing.

It made people uncomfortable and embarrassed, but at that point (and now) I could care less. My attitude was, I have done NOTHING wrong, and I am NOT going to hide or cover this up for one second this time to save either of your jobs, your credibility, your reputations--nothing! You sluts made this mess, now you're going to be involved in dealing with the consequences.

This definitely worked for me, and that is still not the end of it.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2007
Autumn46
♀ Member
Member # 17479
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me just add, that I caught him by accident really---he had programmed the skank's number into his phone with his **sisters** name.

So instead of saying "skank", it said "Doreen" (his sister).
I noticed calls out to "doreen" and incoming from "doreen" for months, and never considered they weren't legit. I only caught on by looking at my bill one day while paying it in December, and noticed calls that were being made on Saturday afternoon, Sunday night, weird times of the evening, or during the middle of the day while I was at work, and he was working from home that day, etc.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2007
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Autumn, good for you for outing what they were up to. Why should you cover anything up? When my H came clean, I told everyone what was going on - though he did tell his side of the family; I would have if he didn't.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
dtracey810
♂ Member
Member # 19608
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being a 'newbie', I just started looking at this forum.
My stbxw/WW is still employed and working at the same place as the troll look alike/douche bag OM. She tells me that she can not stand the 'sight' of him. I ask her each day if the douche bag has spoken to her and only once (she said) has he 'tried' to speak to her alone and she got up and walked away....again, that's what 'she' said.
I can NOT understand how a WS can have the opinion of not being able to stand the 'sight' of the OM/OW...how can that be?? After the WS couldn't wait to 'see', hear all the 'wonderful things' and then fucking them...how can they not stand the 'sight' of them?!?!? I have questioned that several times and all I get is...."I just CAN'T!!".
She talks about his physical appearance, but then HOW could she have fucked this guy if she thought his physical appearance was so bad?!?
It just seems like the questions will never end, nor will they ever be answered. This is NOT the kind of 'marriage' that I was looking for and I find it very hard to believe that my stbxw/WS couldn't do this ALL OVER AGAIN!!
Best wishes to ALL,
dtracey810


BS (me) 46
WS 50
Married: 3 years in July and there won't be a FOURTH!
D-Day #1: 4/08 - 6-7 month EA/PA with co-worker
D-Day #2: 8/9/08 ANOTHER co-worker
Papers filed: 8/20/08
Put a fork in it....it's DONE!!

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2008 | From: The Heartland
jcar
♀ Member
Member # 19712
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For dtracy, to answer your question "I can NOT understand how a WS can have the opinion of not being able to stand the 'sight' of the OM/OW...how can that be?"...it is probably not that your WS finds the OP physically revolting. When she regained her senses she probably couldn't see, in retrospect, what she saw when she was having her affair.

In my WH's case, he was not so much attracted to the OW as he was in such a state of grief and denial and dissatisfaction with life that he was willing to take some "fun" when it was offered. He now says she is not the sort of person he would seek out.

And further, in my own case, I had a very brief A (one evening, followed by tremendous guilt) toward the end of my first marriage. When I saw the OM again months later, I couldn't believe I had had such a strong attraction to him...not because he was ugly, just not the right person for me.

Hope this helps.


Bw 57
WS 57
OW 20 years younger
6 month PA
Married: 4 years
In R from the start...

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Maryland
jcar
♀ Member
Member # 19712
Frustrated  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this "situation" on the Reconciliation page, but after poking around here, thought some of you may have had a similar experience:

My WH works for the same company as the xOW, but not in the same department. The day after d-day (5/19/07)he sought her out, ended the A and told her not to contact him again. With the exception of one email from her, asking to be IM buddies again (which he didn't respond to) there has been NC. He does see her on occasion and lets me know of the "sighting", but there is no verbal contact.

My "situation" is this: last night H told me that he has to give a briefing to the group she works in and of course she will be there. My stomach just started doing flip flops and I have a small herd of butterflies now. He is very committed to us and I have regained a great deal of trust. What am I afraid of? It's not as though she's going to come on to him in front of a group of co-workers. I have asked my H to call me as soon as the briefing is over and to contact me if for any reason he finds himself alone with her and to save any emails she may send him (he has been having trouble with his computer and she is one of 2 people who would be able to fix it).

If you have had a similar situation, how did you handle it? I am trying to keep all the positive work we have done in mind. Maybe it's just the "it happened once, maybe it could happen again" fear. I do plan to send him off to work with a BIG smile on his face (hope that's not TMI). Thanks for "listening"


Bw 57
WS 57
OW 20 years younger
6 month PA
Married: 4 years
In R from the start...

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Maryland
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