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User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
boygirlbabies
Member
Member # 20053
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. I am finally posting here too. Not only do my H and OW work for the same place, I too work in the same place and do 95 percent of my work with her office. H had no business even being in her office and was just "having lunch" with the office "ladies" when all of this started.

Anyhoo, it sucks that he just had to get someone that we both knew. She even came to my kids b-day party (at my H's invitation of course). What a slut! Although I do alot of work with her office I mainly did everything via email. I would come down occasionally though. Now, I try to make it down several times a week. I never make it the same time so that she never knows when I will just "pop" in. I even had a long conversation with her desk mate the other day. The only thing she could do is turn her back away from me and act like she was "working hard." It actually gives me great pleasure seeing her trying to avoid me. The other day, I walked in to an office where she was and just stood there with another co-worker. I know she must be kicking herlef. I also see her periodically coming in and out of the office parking lot. The kicker is that I now drive my H's car. You should see her when she sees the car but then realizes that it is me driving! She then runs into the office before I can even get out of the car. Priceless.

Yes, honey, you not only dealt with a married man with 3 small children, you screwed with a person who now will make it just as uncomfortable for you as you did for me. It just gives me great pleasure seeing her act like she does not know what to do. What an idiot. Yes honey, your fantasy is now my reality and I intend to make you see me each day and remind you that he has chosen me and left you in the dust! You were just used.


D-Day: 6/6/08 (with trickle truth; contact with OW 3 times more; caught him at the OW's house; caught him again via email and kicked him out)
ME: 36
Together:20 yrs Married: 8 yrs
DS: 8 DD: 8 DD: 4
Divorced and moving on.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jun 2008
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

boygirlbabies -- Good for you for "working" the situation. Hopefully she will get so uncomfortable she leaves!

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
HurtinMan
♂ Member
Member # 15695
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a former member of this thread... I nearly lost my mind while my W continued in the same office as OM for 60 working days after dday. That was 500 working hours I suffered and lost 30lbs. That was many weekends I dreaded the monday morning that would come.

A year later now, I can see that our R and my sanity only really began after she left that job, and that has been priceless.

No job is worth the agonizing effect it can have on the BS. A reasonable delay in finding another job is OK, but staying at a job at the cost of the M is not good IMHO.

Only based on my own experience here -


DDay - 8/2007 BrokenNC -11/07
BH with 2 kids
Committed to R

Posts: 1615 | Registered: Aug 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtin Man -- Yes, it is like a water torture -- at least for me. It is difficult for me to let the A "go away" (like my WH would like) when OW won't "go away". WH now wants to renew our vows but I don't know if I can as long as OW works there. Unfortunately unless a miracle happens a different job for WH isn't going to happen. It's up to me to decide if I can handle it or not and somedays I do better than others.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was asking for help on the bond staffing budget (sheesh she can't even do her own job at 90K/year).
-- from earlier post of mine.

Ok everybody - I need some suggestions on what to do. In response to OW's request for help on the budget, WH has set up a meeting for Monday morning. He has a meeting right after this one so assuming that one doesn't get cancelled OW's meeting should be only 1/2 hour.

What is really bothering me about this meeting is that based on the email it seems to me that WH has not "shut OW down". She is still writing flirtatiously and still asking him to do stuff outside of his work for her.

I don't know how to confront WH with this. He has said he has no dealings with OW which I can see now is a lie (even though I already doubted it). If I confront him about the meeting I am sure he will say it is with their boss (one budget email from her was addressed to both he and his boss - totally different tone) so there is a small chance that he might be in on this meeting. They are at a level though that it would be really weird to have the boss "babysit" the meeting. I think WH feels he is "protecting me".

If I say anything to WH about the meeting he will know I have looked at his workstuff which just means he will get angry and learn to hide things more. I really don't think anything is going on between them right now (at least on his part) but things could always flare up and I think he needs to shut her down completely. Continuing anything other than strictly business (ie like I deal with my clients) is disrespectful of me -- the woman he says he wants to renew his vows with.

Any suggestions on what to do?


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any advice Sharim, hopefully you can talk to your H and get it all on the table without his being defensive about it. my FWH and FMOW work opposite shifts, it has come up that they may have to work occassionally together for a couple of weeks and for part of the shift there will be NO other co-workers there, so I am sick and have cried more over this.......It all sucks. H has assured me that if I will wonder and worry he just will not work those hours.......


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
boygirlbabies
Member
Member # 20053
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I am still stopping by the office that the OW works in. I actually had to go by there about six times today with only a couple of times of her not being there. H asked my why I torture myself. I don't look at it like torture but satisfaction. With every visit she has to see me and know that I am still with my H and she is not. I am also going to do an internship in her office for a program that I am in. This will ensure that she gets to see me every day. Lucky her!Sucks to be her. I also ensure that I am at my best when I walk in. I kill her with kindsness and walk around like she is not even there. I love it! Maybe she will get the message and leave. What a whore.


D-Day: 6/6/08 (with trickle truth; contact with OW 3 times more; caught him at the OW's house; caught him again via email and kicked him out)
ME: 36
Together:20 yrs Married: 8 yrs
DS: 8 DD: 8 DD: 4
Divorced and moving on.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jun 2008
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone -- redvixen (who has been a wonderful support in this forum) is having some hard times right now. She has a post in General --- please give her some hugs.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
boygirlbabies
Member
Member # 20053
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving us a shameless bump.


D-Day: 6/6/08 (with trickle truth; contact with OW 3 times more; caught him at the OW's house; caught him again via email and kicked him out)
ME: 36
Together:20 yrs Married: 8 yrs
DS: 8 DD: 8 DD: 4
Divorced and moving on.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jun 2008
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, I think it is just such a sorry state to be in that there isn't much to say except for the occasional vent.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do they shit where they eat...........


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - did nooneeverthought and I ever kill this thread!

Just bumping since we fell off the "first page" and want to let others know we are here if needed!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess we did Sharim....My situation has gotten much better as far as work.....He has put in for transfer to another department, so no crossing paths as hours will change to eliminate that. Right now they just do shift change at the jail no other time together. And he FINALLY told her a couple weeks ago, only discuss work, no other convo's will be entertained.....He thought ignore it and it will go away, he didn't want the fall out at work. Of course I had thought he had that convo in June but well suprise suprise........He said that they didn't talk but she has fished a couple of times....Hopefully telling her in front of co-workers he is committed to me and our M got the hint across


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just needing hugs RIGHT NOW!!!! (f?)WH is home from basic training and we are on the reconciliation path, but he just finished talking with his boss about the A (since his boss has had to wait to address this issue until now as well) and he is going to be starting back at work on Monday...I am triggering like CRAZY...I dont know how I am going to deal with him going back to work with OW. I am on the verge of tears and I dont even know WHY. He says its over and her work days have been shortened to two days a week and that he wont be in the office (most likely) on the days when she is there and not to worry and all that jazz...but I am just freaking out. I am feeling like all this work crap is somehow MY FAULT (which it isnt, since I didnt have the affair)...I am just a freaking wreck right now and I dont want my WH to walk in the door and see me as a big needy pile of insecurity. Suggestions??


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lisaloo))) Hang in there.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lisaloo)))

My FWHs A was online emotional but OW was also a co-worker who he'd known for several years and is now seasonal staff. It's not easy but hopefully knowing there's others out here to listen.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lisaloo)))

It really sucks.....Most of us don't have the luxury of saying, quit your job until you can find another, we need our paychecks to live so they have to go to work.. Just doing the best we can to get through it.

Have you been able to have a long talk about how the work environment is so that you understand how and what possible contact may exist? That was a big help for me.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim, thank you for your support before, I really appreciated it. That's what I love about this place - the support and friendship with people who are there for you. Thank you so much. We are now in therapy, and it's helping a lot.

Lisaloo, if you can collect yourself (not easy to do when you're emotional, I know, I've been there), try telling him simply how upset you are, and be honest and tell him you don't know why, you're just having all these feelings and you need his reassurances. Plus, clue him in on "fishing". That's when the OW will ask your H how he is (looking for any problems at home, any cracks she can widen); or she'll tell him how horrible her life is (trying for sympathy); or any questions that she can wiggle into a personal level. Once my husband understood this, he realized how often our OW was trying to elicite sympathy or pity or try to make him feel "manly" by putting on the "poor me" act. And request your H to tell you of any, ANY, contact they have. Hang tight, sweetie. You will get throught this.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone who responded to my last post here!!! I am happy to report that I will no longer be able to continue to post on this forum about having to continue to live with a man who works with his affair partner....OW WAS LET GO!!!!! She leaves her job today and my FWH will start back tomorrow! What a relief!


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, September 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hooray, LisaLoo!!!


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
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