I can only relate to my own experience. So I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
After a year of (now known as) False R, he told me "There is no 'her'. I just need to find myself and what else life has to offer me".
I asked him if he was filing for a D, he said he was leaving his options open.
I find out later, he moved out on Friday Aug 25, 2006 and called her the next day. Exactly a year later. Happy f@#$ing Anniversary.
I wouldn't believe his words for 1 second.
180 is the only way to go. I didn't do it soon enough and wish I had.
You are right, that you need to do for you and what is going to make you strong and healthy.
He will do whatever it is he's going to do, with you or not.
But I believe that the sooner they experience the harsh realities the better.
Best of all to you... and prayers for you...
I blew up at him last night, telling him that if he cant promise to be faithful while in an apartment, how can he promise that now? I was so worked up, i was just yelling and swearing. So he was all mad too. Then when i am done he says that his friend asked him about the apartment yest. and my H told him 'No, not right now'..he came home in such a good mood too.
Him "what the F happened from saturday til today?"
He was all confused, but sunday after our great weekend in nashville, he was still wanting to move out. I told him, no matter what i do, or how i act, he still wants to move out, so i dont want to try anymore.
So i dont know, i feel like i ruined everything. Things were going really well (even though he was planning to move out, duh) and now he is all sad and down and probably wants to move out more than ever.
Hugs to you my friend. I saw a show on Dr Phil once and he said that you can build a wall so high that you think your H will never escape...but if he really wants to...then he WILL find a way. No wall will be too high!
Its something I think about when I find myself being paranoid. I remind myself that no matter how "nice" I am, how "angry" I am..if he is going to resume the A, then he will resume it and then he will will have consequences to pay. THATS the key. Boundaries and consequences.
I did TOO much crying wolf and the minute I put my foot down, things changed. I still struggle with enforcement, but at least I am aware of this.
So are you and your FWH still together or did he file for D?
And I agree that just becuse your H doesnt work w/ or isnt in the same building doesnt stop the worry. My H's A was when they did not work together. They just started working together again and it sucks because now I KNOW they will probably see eachother daily, as opposed to me hoping they NEVER run into eachother elsewhere.
does that make sense? I was still upset and worried before, but now its multiplied 10 fold. But, I've sorta given up. I have no control...not that I ever did..so I just let it be what it is.
If and when I find out they either are talking, having a "friendship", seeing one another outside or even at work...I'm done.
I love my family and dont want my kids to be from a broken home...but I know, that for ME, I cant stand to be duped twice...well, 3 times since I know the A resumed post d-day.... but I was in denial.
So really, this is it for me. H resumes any sort of relationship w/ow..I dont care how minimal... he makes the decision to end our M.
How could I have lived with a liar and not known...
I asked him to come home for lunch yesterday to talk. He did. I questioned his honesty with me. He still swears that he isnt moving out to be with her, doesnt care about her. It isnt even about me, he is just not happy and needs to find that.
I found out though that he showed her the pics on his cam phone of the apt he looked at on thurs. pics he never showed me, but i found them on his phone on sat. So i told him, once he is ready to stop being her 'friend' then we will work on our marriage, i am done until then. I have been very patient for 6 months, while he took 3 months to finish the affair and then the last 3 it has been over, but he wont cut off contact. He thinks because he isnt f-ing her, it is over and i should be happy. I said, 'do you show your customers pics of your apt? no, they arent your friends, she is obviously still your friend' and i am done.
I have decided to start living my life as a single parent. Preparing myself, and moving on with my life. I wont kick him out, because that just makes it easy for him, he gets what he wants, but doesnt have to make any hard decisions, and then he doesnt have guilt. It iwll be my fault. I am not leaving either, this is the kids' home, and i am not going to uproot them right now. He can have all the time he needs right now, and believe me, he will be getting plenty of quiet time and 'space'
btw, i came home last night to find him on my laptop, and reading this board. i think he saw it in the history or the google search. he was reading the post on general about how i ruined things. I am glad he saw it actually, because i didnt say anything mean, but just how i felt. When i walked in he was laughing, probably at some of the replies or how everyone says he is still messing with OW. I know he isnt sleeping with her, he is home every night, but i told him, it is very possible there is still an EA going on. and until he cuts off non-work related contact, i am done. He is not trying 100% why should I? I have been trying by myself for 6 months. Now it is time for me to focus on me and the kids.
He can have a wife or a friend but not both. Stay strong, sweetie.
Did I tell you about www.saveyourmarriage.com?
She emails weekly e-mags and this weeks issue, I think, directly relates to what you are going thru.
Go here...I'm thinking of the 7. Question/Answer of the week...
[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 12:46 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]
I just wanted to let you all know that you have been enormously helpful to me while I have been wearing my BS hat. (I never thought I looked good in hats. ) Best of luck to all of you in achieving peace in your hearts.
H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
Yes, and I am thankful it is Friday too. I have had to work a lot and H has gotten distant. I haven't checked on H's cell phone recently but then did yesterday and noticed OW's office number. I know logically they have to have contact but it still kills me especially when he is acting the way he has been (which hopefully I am just reading more into). He never tells me when they have contact (probably end up spending all the time talking about her if he did) so I am hoping part of the reason is kinda like Mel's situation that since it is just work he feels bringing it up would be problematic when in his mind no problem is there. I'm just really struggling with the idea of living the next 10-15 years like this. But then I talked to a client yesterday and found out his son has an agressive brain cancer -- makes all this sh*tty A stuff seem so trivial.
If OP is no threat to your BS, then there's hope that our OP is no longer a threat to us.
I'm sorry for your pain now but its given me a bit of hope. Gonna miss you, girl.
But H is moving out. Was supposed to be sat. night, then sun night, now I guess it will be tonight. Just communication problems with landlord and massive feet-dragging. He is very very scared, and really doesnt want to go. I think he feels like he needs to, but he is very scared. I am sort of pushing him to, because i am so tired of the way things are here. we had counseling last week and she said we are dealing with 2 problems, 1. the affair and after-effects, and 2. he is just unhappy and lost. He needs to fix #2 before he will put the effort and energy into #1. Which basically screws me. I have to sit here and be patient and supportive and understanding, meanwhile, i dont trust him, and he isnt doing much to earn my trust...and he is moving out. Such a mess.
When he gets his act together, he'll be emotionally healthy person. Someone who can love you wholy and completely, the way you deserve.
As far as the trust issue? eh..it will be tough. But i am going to do my best. It is funny, I find what helps me when i am triggering is packing up some of his stuff, books and the like. LOL! I think it just helps me feel that I am moving in a direction, instead of just sitting here waiting all day for HIM to make a move, or make a decision. Besides, it helps me get the house organized, who doesnt need that?
but the dumbass only took enough stuff for one night. come on, if you are leaving, leave. dont be coming over every day. argh. he didnt leave til about 9, he didnt want to go of course, he will be here tomorrow night and probably all week, he has to fix my friends car, and his tools and garage are here of course...so we will see how it goes. I will update you of course..