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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
doublesmom
♀ Member
Member # 21334
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is exactly the situation. My H left me for a woman he works with. So now they work together, live together sleep together and her sister is his boss, and I've heard that OW is now H's supervisor! Bets they will be together next year at this time?


Me(BS):39 Him(WS):39
D-Day: Jan 21/08 Divorced: Apr. 20/09
Twins: b/g 8yrs and two stepkids
KINGSLIME kicked another one to the curb!!!

Posts: 1157 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL that is just way too much togetherness. My guess is no way!


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
new_outlook
♂ Member
Member # 19398
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this area of SI, but my FWW still works with OMM. She is self-emploed and has a contract with the company that OMM works for. I have asked her to not renew her contract with the company and look for other sources of income. She will reluctantly do this, but says she can work there and report to someone else. She only has to go to the company one day every few weeks. Most of her work is done tele-commuting.

I really don't care what she feels like. Each day she is there is a slap in my face. Also, the temptation is there for her to still communicate with OMM. She says she is NC, but I don't know at work.

Anyone else have a similar situation? Am I asking for too much?


BS (Me) - 47
STBXWW - 46
Married for 24 years
Together 27 years
2 children (19 and 15)
D-day 3/19/08
Update: Divorced finalized 12/28/12! Yea!

Posts: 412 | Registered: May 2008
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

new outlook -- I don't think you are asking too much especially with two broken NCs. What is so great about that contract that it is worth the stress and anxiety it puts you through? Hopefully she will unfog herself.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NewOutlook I am with you there, it is like a slap in the face everyday. All of my snooping has not shown any type of contact except the work type stuff but how can you really know when they work in the same building. GRRRRR


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
sosad2
♀ New Member
Member # 21298
Helpless  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newoutlook
I am with you on this one too. D day was also March 2008 and I have told WH several times he needs to quit his job if things are to work out for us. He still is having contact with OW every day. Where do we go from here if they don't stop the contact. Maybe we have to make decision and end it with our WH. This is very painful and I really do not want to do that, but what else can we do? How long can we live like this?


sosad2

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
new_outlook
♂ Member
Member # 19398
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have taken the bold step and my FWW and I are currently separated (going on one month). I am mentally healed (regarding the A) and ready to move forward with a life with my FWW, but I have become obsessed as to whether NC is being maintained because of her work issue. I just can't stand her still working there. MY FWW just doesn't understand this. I have refused to come home until her contract is over. I know I am giving up a lot and my kids are hurting (as well as my wife), but there has to be some sacrafice from my FWW. She has to step up and say her marriage is more important than the job.


BS (Me) - 47
STBXWW - 46
Married for 24 years
Together 27 years
2 children (19 and 15)
D-day 3/19/08
Update: Divorced finalized 12/28/12! Yea!

Posts: 412 | Registered: May 2008
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NL, will saying that marriage is more important than the job be enough? Unfortunately due to contractual obligations both my WH and OW have to work together for the next 2 years. I want to believe him when he says its over but after a couple of NCs being broken I just don't know if hearing marriage is more important is enough FOR ME anymore.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
sosad2
♀ New Member
Member # 21298
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEWOUTLOOK
I wish i can be as strong as you. I guess you were the one that left. I can't leave because I am the main person taking care of the kids. Another reason I don't want to ask WH to leave is because my 17 year old (I have 2 kids 17&14) has to make some important decisions in the next few months regarding University/college choices and if we break up now I am sure this will affect them greatly. I might give this until January (If I can hold on until then-I might burst at the seams) I am trying to do the "180" but it is really hard when you are hurting inside
BS-49
WS-48
2 Kids (17&14)
D Day March 08
In Limbo


sosad2

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
new_outlook
♂ Member
Member # 19398
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the feeling sosad2. My FWW said that she couldn't stand the tension in the house and she couldn't focus on sorting out her feelings. Something had to give, so we decided to separate.

I was the one who volunteered to leave even if she was the one who had the affair. Call me old fashioned, but I do care about her and if things do not work out between us, I want the best for her and the kids. I feel like I am the stronger of the 2 of us and can handle starting over if needed.

She only has less than one month left to finish a little project and then her contract will be completed. I don't know how all of the BS's whose WS still works with the AP handle it? How do you put them out of your mind? Is it easier as time goes on?


BS (Me) - 47
STBXWW - 46
Married for 24 years
Together 27 years
2 children (19 and 15)
D-day 3/19/08
Update: Divorced finalized 12/28/12! Yea!

Posts: 412 | Registered: May 2008
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are almost a year out from Last dday. FWH says NC is happening and when it does due to work I always get an immediate phone call. She is the boss and rarely they due have to interact. It hurts on a daily basis. My H lead me to believe that he would get a new job to keep me. That was a lie. He has too many years in the company, too close to retirement and in his profession you start at the bottom to start new. We have worked out ways to deal with it. OW started to call me rather than my H when she needed information. I hate hearing her voice. I managed to keep it professional. He had our DD listen in when he had to talk to her on the phone from home. There are ways to make it work. The answer is yes it is still difficult on a daily basis even after a year. That is just me.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H came home a couple of days ago and told me "I've got something to tell you that might make you happy." Turns out that the OW got a verbal/written warning, over not doing her job and falsifying hours. My H isn't involved with this, that was my only fear, that if it comes down to termination she'll try to pull him down, too. (He's not her direct boss, but he is one of the guys in charge in the very small office). She'll get another written warning if she screws up again, and terminated after that. Keep your fingers crossed!


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here we go again....its Monday.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another F*&^%$#@ Monday...


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH also works with the OW. They work at a place that has at least 100 employees. He cannot leave the job, jobs that pay as well as his does are hard to come by around here and he cannot take a pay cut as we're barely scraping by as it is now (can't way to see what finances look like when the OC is born and we're paying support fot it) . Anyway he did transfer out of her dept. but she takes every opportunity to stop by his desk and say hi. Thankfully a good friend of mine sits in the desk right across from WH so she lets me know what is going on. She's aware of the A. and acts as a decent spy. He has been very forthcoming about when she says anything to him. So i do trust him as of right now. It's still very hard for me for him to be spending more time a day somewhat around her than around me and the COM though.


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One day down, four to go!!! I hate him for putting me thru this.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
toohurt
♀ Member
Member # 21245
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW works for my WH on events, which takes them out of town for a week at a time. It was during the trip in July that he turned 180 on me and I knew they were having an affair. I didn't get proof until late in September. They do not know that I know yet, but as they are leaving Friday for another work trip, I am finally saying something by sending my WH a letter to the hotel that I know everything. He refuses to discuss anything with me face to face, only deny, deny, so this is the way I have to do it.
They send emails back and forth that they cannot wait until Mondays--I also dread them because they work together ALL DAY. It is tough. Now she is sending him emails to sneak out to meet her on weekends and weekday evenings. She is married, but her husband travels a lot.
I do not know what the future will bring now that they will know that I am aware of their affair with proof. But, this is no life to live.
Having the OW, OM being a coworker is pretty commonplace I read. My WH isn't in a position to leave his company either, too close to an age where moving would kill us financially. And, I don't even know that he will come around (he is deep in fog), but his reputation will be ruined at work--and I hope she gets fired as she is only a contract worker. Time will tell...
Good wishes to all of us in this unfortunate (and UNdeserved) situation.


Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are...

10/24-What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That better be damn true.


Posts: 2919 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toohurt I feel your pain. It is awful when you know that they can email and meet at work and you will never know. Wish I could afford to hire a private investigator.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
2Lost
♀ Member
Member # 21087
Frustrated  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this forum...my FWH works with MOW, but he only was going into the office 2x a wk, so their contact wasn't continuous. Since Dday (9-11) he was only in the office for a few days for a conference. He's worked from home (or his parents as he's technically not living here right now). Tomorrow he has to go in for a mtg with his supervisor. The mtg is to establish 'work from anywhere' which would require him to only go into the office for special occasion mtgs... he is planning on showing up about 1/2 hr before the appointed time and he is hoping that he'll be approved, can pack his shit and leave. He has a plan in place to park somewhere different, go in a back door and take the elevator so that there is no reason she will even see him from afar. My stomach is in knots! Even tho we haven't officially decided to R, things have been going rather well between us and I think it's what we are both hoping for. I feel like an awful lot hangs in tomorrow's balance.

Thanks for letting me babble!


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
pcisconfused
♀ Member
Member # 19583
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2Lost I hope it all goes as planned.


BW (43)
WS (44)
together 14 years
4 kids together
Separated but seeing Counsellor to see if we can R

Posts: 73 | Registered: May 2008
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