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User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 years ago today, the whore started working at FWH's work. Three years since evil invaded our lives. Three years and she has fucked her way thru many men there, they all know about it, and yet, they refuse to rid themselves of the cancer that she is. Another thing about this date that I'm fighting triggers about... FWH had originally told me she started in January of 06, but it was 2/13/06, so this means approx. 45 days less than I was originally led to beleive... even a shorter amount of time it took for him to decide to risk so much for that skanky ho. It hurt when I only thought it took him 4 months to fall so far to the bottom, but nope, took him less time to fall. Scares me to think he was so weak, and if he could be again, not with her, but with someone else.

Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
♀ Member
Member # 17699
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I just found out Sat that OW came back to 1st shift 6 weeks ago. Things had started looking up,she had been on night shift for 6 months, but I don't know if I can do this if he seeing her everyday again.

An alcoholic doesn't work next door to a bar-it's too tempting.

So any advice on how to survive this. And it's an auto manufacturing plant so it's like a freakin fortress where they can hide inside together and I'd never know. I just have to "take his word for it" that he doesn't talk or have contact with her.
As if his word could be trusted...

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.~Arthur Miller

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SC
Member # 22895
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coming by to introduce myself, as I have been lurking here for awhile.

My FWH had an A with a younger coworker for about 10 months. They don't really have to interact at all, usually, but they had to the other day and it is all I can do not to lose my shit. But, as FWH is owning his, I am trying to keep it together.

Hate having to be here, but glad to of found you all.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2009
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well there is one good thing about this recession -- WH's company is no longer giving everybody business cell phones. WH is one of the first to voluntarily turn his in so he will now be on our family plan of which I will now have access to the phone logs -- so I can see how much skanky co-worker OW is contacting him!

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Member # 16383
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm STILL here. WH and OW are both teachers in the same school. Every year she interviews ( she lives 1 1/2 hours away) but with the economy & her lack of personality during the interviews ( no really, she is just not outgoing and captivating which helps when you teach little kids) she has been unable to get another position. So my wh actually trains her and the other special ed teachers in the building in a reading program. So they have contact. He SAYS its all business, but what fucking ever....

Me(36) Him(WH,42) D 3 yrs
Together 12yrs,married 5
S 6/1/2009, F for D 9/4/09
Ex & OW going on 4 yrs now
1st Dday 9/18/09- when baby was 19 weeks old

Posts: 330 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York City
♀ Member
Member # 22932
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I'm new here. Isn't it so amazing you can watch soap operas on tv and say "nothing like that could ever happen" and then you look at your own life. I work at the same place as my WH, the OW and her ex (at least he seems to be an ex right now...that has been on again off again for years) The three of them work together I work in a building some distance away and thank God have minimal contact with any of them. My WH supervises both of their supervisors. Her x is a poor employee and is likely to get fired (he might be smart enough to quit first) relatively soon. A new building in which they will all workin is in the process of being built and I don't believe my WH will have quite as much contact with all of them when all the moving is done...not sure about that. In any case my husband has been HUGELY involved in all of the work of setting up this new building and really does need to see the project through for lots of reasons. If things blow up at work which I am sure they will if her x finds out about their relationship and uses it against my WH as the x is being disciplined or possibly fired....... Anyway, my WH could actually retire and leave the 3 of us in the aftermath. I really don't want to quit...I have an awesome job I couldn't match anywhere right now and I am only 2 and a half years from retirement myself. We have a really good retirement plan that I can't just throw away when I am this close. Quite frankly it would kind of piss me off if my WH retires now and leaves me having to face the other two while he is off playing golf. It is amazing that a man as smart as my husband is, could be so frickin stupid. He knows what he has to lose. Jerk.

Posts: 495 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Member # 20841
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


An alcoholic doesn't work next door to a bar-it's too tempting.

This is so true. In June 08 when I finally exposed WH's A with co-worker he promised it would end. I truly believe that is what he wanted. He admitted he had tried to end it many times before, but couldn't. After the first week I noticed the phone calls starting again. Each month, more and more phone calls. In August I asked how things were going, was OW trying to continue to communicate. His answer was "everything is fine, I got this". Should have known then; the wall was back up, no more open communication. In september I asked him about his lunch, so he didn't lie told me he went out to lunch. Yep you guessed it, but there were supposed to be two other co-workers join them, but they couldn't make it.. Go figure. Another week of awful arguments, him needing space,,,,, then finally deciding to continue R. Or false r as I know now. November we are going away for an overnight trip and I once again asked about his lunch that day, because mine was spoiled. Didn't eat it. Yep another lunch out. At this point I asked him if he just like slapping me in my face. That was a turning point for me to get me where I am now. Had to get through the Holidays for my children. The rest is in my profile up to most recent events. WH in the first 2 years before I proved A always offered to quit his job during our fights, but of course we needed the financial security. (I don't think he ever intended to quit, just trying to throw me off. A is back in full swing now with admitted PA. OWH finally informed and he moved out after she told him she needed space. WH still gas-lighting & cake eating cause I suck at 180. Told him last week we need to get finances in order so I can move on, can't continue to live like this with him in the house. So, after that really long post, my only advice is that he look for another job and get out of the situation as soon as possible. If OW wants A to continue he will have difficulty refraining.

BW me - 43
WH him - 43
Married - 22yrs; together 27
2 children 20, 16
dday June 2008
dday #2 9/11/08(yea another 911..)
dday #3 11/08
OW ?37y/o co-worker
False R

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: USA
I am Broken
♀ New Member
Member # 22101
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2-1/2 years post d-day,reget the way I handled a lot of things including putting up with him continuing to work with her for several more months until company closed.I should have left and told him i wasn't coing home till he did.i asked him and he refused.Affair was over at d-day but you don't continue to work with the whoreangatang,the temptation/threat is always there.Don't be as whimpy as i was.I was trying not to escalate an already horrible situation,but short-changed myself.I should have been a lot tougher in a lot of ways.We are in "reconcilliation"if you want to call it that.he has refused to deal with me or what he has done for 2-1/2 years other than I'm sorry and having a if you forgive me-move on attitude and after all this time,I'm no better than at d-day,in fact, tough and be your own best friend and advocate,no one else will.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2008
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont know what ill do if i still feel the same after 2and 1/2 yrs. I can hardly stand myself now.

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
I am Broken
♀ New Member
Member # 22101
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stand myself or the pain either .Guess thats why the depression is still there and the suicidal thoughts,though not as much as before the meds.At times ,its seemd death is the only thing that will get rid of the pain.Most of the time I don't want to die ,but living like this is hell.H. refuses to deal with me,just wants reconciliation without the work,has a total if you forgive me ,suck it up ,move on attitude.No healing for me.hell just continues.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
I have an issue and need help!
My H works from home and is in a group of, let's say, ten people in the area. OW is one of them.
They call eachother each day with questions about work. Could be minor or major. They share work and send it to eachother on a wkly basis.
She calls him 1-2x daily lately. I have been more able to ask about it and he does offer info. He will tell me what the convo was about and word-for-word's it at times.
He called OW last wk to tell her to stop contacting me so that I can move on. This was a big issue. The follow up in text went like this:
OW: "I won't call them anymore, I am sorry"
OW: "I know, but I do still care,asshole"
H:"I know you do bitch"
That was what I saw. I was mad! Does this not seem like a form of flirting to these nasty people!? I do not think joking with these silly curse names is okay.
H says he talks to OW just like he would another associate. Says small talks w/ her only because he would treat here the same as any of the other coworkers.
Any advise? How do I cope? What are good questions to ask?
He claims that the A is over and everyone is over it but me. He has opened himself to talk about these things,but also voices that he just wants me to get past it. H says very firmly that he is NOT tempted to cheat again and that he's capable of handling himself. Of course I have voiced my opinion about how it's disrespectful to me and that it does place him in a bad position. I have made it clear that I will not be over it til I can SEE that it is OVER. I have not yet been shown!

Waywards, please feel free to comment!

Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out that they had more layoffs at FWH work. There are only 3 people in the whores dept and do you think she was the one they let go? FUCK NO!!! That place is so GD corrupt! Everyone knows what a whore she is, they know about affair with my H and the other two married men there, and all the others that were not married, but some of them were while she was married. WTF!!! This economy has presented them with the perfect opportunity to get rid of her and they dont. And this economy has made it impossible for FWH to find a new job that pays comparible. I'm so fucking mad, I could beat someone. And when the economy was not as bad, why did he not find a new job? Because that fucker was still so god damn arrogant and thought he deserved the best job out there, and he turned down some jobs that would have been good jobs, but no, he deserved better than that. What do I deserve? To live every fucking day with this stain rubbed in my face because he works there still. Forced to think about every fucking day. I'm so mad!!!

Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs OB9584. It is the sh*ts to say it bluntly. I'm in the same boat. They should be dumping OW as she has some ridiculous do nothing job (at taxpayer's expense) that she makes good money at and yet she is still there.

Done That -- I think you are right to want more from him as far as keeping the contact with OW as strictly business -- no cutesie stuff - it is disrespectful of you. How bold of him to say that everybody is over A except you -- if he were sitting next to me right now I would slap him upside the head for being an idiot.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Sharim.

We had a new convo yesterday. He implied that he would be going out of state again for long term duty. It is not always necessary and he would have to put his name down..
So as we talked he said "nothing will happen, I know".. later in the talk he said" nobody can be 100% sure that they won't do it" this in ref to A.
What an ass. Can I say that here?? Come on, Man. Are you commited to a marriage or not? Is this R to you?
Arggh. He slept on the couch and I sent him a rebuttin' letter today.
Today I don't like him and I told him not to come home until he can commit honestly to M and R and 100% to no more As.

I'll say this. At least he's honest about being a cheater.

I did the slap one day several weeks ago. It did the trick but only temporarily.

Last night, also, he said he's not sure if he loves me yet.
Is this normal?

[This message edited by DoneThat at 1:37 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Done That -- Stay strong. I just ready your profile and he is just a mess. Do you have family help on your side to help with the children?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Member # 22913
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Done That; Wayward Husband here. He must get a new job. I have had to REALLY adjust my work in order to keep from seeing FOW. I mean I don't go into THE BUILDING while she is there; I try to get someone else to pick materials while she is working; use an alternate vender for what I need. If I cannot help going into that building; I have even had a friend trusted by my Wife to escort me throughout my "visit" to the "danger zone".

So much communication is non-verbal. It has taken me months to get to the point of seeing her as a perpetrator in my affair. I saw myself as her KISA! Disgusting - I can't believe my own arrogance. Every time I saw her, it just prolonged the illusion.

In my case, the fog is finally lifting to the point that I can see that I was a fool and have irreprably injured the one I loved and all our children and friends through my betrayal. But "NO CONTACT" has been a big part of that.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: DFW
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Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim, Nope. No help with the kids. It's a very lonely messed up world!

Thanks for your reply, Stupid_is.

H works with her and they only talk on phone most of the time to exchange work, schedule stuff. I feel that it's too much, but he refuses to leave the job. Says " I can handle this"..

I am scared. I shouldn't have to go through this each day.
F OW has called me to tell me how much she wants her M and R w/her H. She has shared details on A and says she broke it off with my H. Says she doesn't want a man like him. Says my H lies and doesn't know how to be responsible. Imagine that! This after I finally told everyone about how he stopped picking up kids, didn't communicate for family/kids, alcohol issues.
She said she figured it out for herself. Said they were sitting there one day and she said I was "blowing up his phone". She said to him "Are you going to pick up your kids?" His response was "no, she needs them more than I do."
So he did it to himself.
I am wondering if she realllly doesn't want him or if they're just waiting it out til another time.
I don't think the small talk is okay. Flirting not okay. Long biz trip where she may be there NOT okay. That's how they started the P part of the A.
BTW;he came back to me just a few days after she split on him. He didn't move back for some time. He refused R for a long time.. He says that the only reason that he's here is because HE's giving ME a chance.

If he says "No. I am not leaving my job. I can handle myself".. What should my response be?

How do I respond to "I'm not sure I love you yet; I don't have the answer". Do I let him stay and figure it out or kick his ass to the curb?

If he's telling me that there is not 100% certainty that he won't cheat again how do I respond? My response before was that I would not cheat because I would not CHOOSE to. Hey-my username is DONETHAT for a reason Been there and know better than to PLACE MYSELF BACK IN THE SITUATION!

Any clue as to how to respond to all this stuff?

[This message edited by DoneThat at 8:21 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]

Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Member # 22891
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although, I am filing for D, my WS works with OW, so I thought I could vent frustrations here. OW works "under" OW( bad use of words there :)so if they are found out it could get WS fired. Does this seem like a normal healthy relationship? So they have to pretend like they are not in a relationship. They have to pretend that they are not having sex. They have to pretend that their relationship didn't cause the break up of WS family. If WS talks about his family, she is there. I am having him served at work purposely. They work in a small office, so either people know and are just not telling, or they are ignoring it. But it will come out one day. I think we all know secrets don't stay secrets for long.

[This message edited by aandbmom at 6:35 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

"Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of."- Kathy Lette

Posts: 158 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: ohio
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Member # 22989
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm considering R with WS, the affair was with OW from work when alot of his office had to work away from home mon-fri.

the A was 6 months ago and we have been living apart since and i'm considering R but thinking of the practicalities of things. my ex's no longer works for that company but works for a similar company, in his line of work everyone knows everyone and they all socialise together so even if he isnt working with her there is a very good chance she will be there on a night out. I dont often go out with him and his work friends and would not want to do so now considering they all knew about the affair and i want nothing to do with them. Short of stopping him having a social life what can i do? Everytime he goes out i'll be sitting at home wondering if she is there, if they are talking, if he feels things for her?

i just dont know???

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Member # 23177
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS. and his OW began their affair at work(school environment) and I didn't discover the affair until school was over. Fortunately, he was fired from the job(not directly related to the affair, but good enough for me)I did not work at the school to discover what had been going on-I did some "gut reaction" detective work on my own and found out what had been going on during the school year. To make a long story short.I hope, I discovered that he would still occasionally receive generic e-mails from her after I had told him to break ALL CONTACT! He had hell to pay after I found out and now, he knows that I will be out the door if I find any more evidence of even generic communications between them.

Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

Posts: 169 | Registered: Mar 2009
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