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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all, I am not sure I have time to read all posts in this thread, but I think it is going to be a place that I hang out a lot.

My WS was doing one of his direct reports...21 years his junior. He has admitted and ended the PA. Is still trying to grasp that he had emotion in the whole thing.

He works with OW three days a week...at her location...out of town.

I have access to all things electronic. I am a complete basket case when he is there. I mean complete.

He is in an industry where finding a new job would be next to impossible right now. We are trying to work out some modified form of NC. I see the IM's with all the LOL's and you are so funny's from her and want to

If anyone has been through anything similar, I am willing to listen to any advice.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is getting IM's now from her with LOL and the like. That needs to stop now, There can be very definite NC even when they work together meaning any and all interaction is work and professional only. He can put a stop to that by making it very clear to her.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, he told her again yesterday that anything personal was not acceptable. Today, he said she didn't even open an IM window with him, didn't say hello or good morning or anything. Apparently, she just needs a little reminding every now and then. I was happy that he gave her the reminder without me even telling him to!


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 4th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job Mr. Fleury......My H has put in for a transfer to another department. Even though they only change shifts and he doesn't make relief with her, just seeing her makes him physically ill


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
islandgrl
♀ Member
Member # 22010
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 14th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its crazy - how do you get it into their little twat heads about what is considered work vs personal in txt messages.
I think my WH is deleting some messages cause he cant stand them to be on his phone - but I've read some & man - is she a whiner!
Bunch of messages one day saying "can you give me a ride? I really need to work and dont even have money for bus fare" (well the jobsite is about 20 minutes & $10 in gas away from her for him to do that) & F@#$! ! I still havent confronted him about doing that. But didnt really want him to know I read his messages -
It also makes me happy- cause she is getting so much Karma crap her way ! Been off for a week cause she did something stupid involving a roof when working - & has swollen/sprained ankles twice their size!
But sent him 7 or 8 messages trying to see if she can get some kind of money or workers comp off the boss. His reply was Workers Comp would most likely fine her AND the owner because she wasnt supposed to be doing that off the roof!

Any how we keep wading through the s**t.


Me: BS (47)Him: WS (47) Together: 28 years Kids: 3 boys
suspected Aug 08, C Day: Dec.6,2008 OW - skanky co-worker "just friends"
Broken NC: many times(last attempt Aug 7,2010-no reply from OW)
getting there....

Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Canada
hopefulvb
♀ Member
Member # 24353
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey All- I have been posting in just found out, but I think this is where i belong now. My H of 7 years had an EA and PA with a married co-worker. He is a mechanic for the city and she works in the office. Since he is in a garage, they arent right next to eachother all day, but too close for me to deal with mentally. I did go to the office a few weeks ago-was having a moment, haha, and introduced myself to her, (walked right in and told her who I was) so I do know exactly where her office is and made a few people around the garage aware. I guess to make myself feel better and make them feel like they have to stay away from eachother. We have good weekends and then every Monday, I go back into this horrible depression and the pain starts all over again. Does it really get an easier? I keep thinking I should leeave him because he said quitting his job is not an option-Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jun 2009
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hopefulvb))

Sorry you have to be here too. For me it got easier when H seriously got remorseful. He tried to be the nice guy at work and not ignore her if she talked to him. When he truly got remorseful and made it clear to her that there was to only be professional conversation and nothing but she got pissed and they haven't spoken in months.

H could transfer to another facility in the state (he is a correction officer) but as a team we made the decision to stay at this one and he is always trying to get a new bid in a different part of the facility. He doesn't work with OW, they work opposite shifts, so only see each other at shift change.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 17th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each Monday is the same for Me Hopefulvb. Fridays I am so wound up I sometimes explode. Weekends are great. My H will not look for other job as OW says she is leaving but after 7 mths she is still there.

I have accused him of only staying there to look at her arse and all sorts of things because of them seeing each other so much.

I have never been to his work but want to out her to the others there. I think they know anyhow.

It is hard to feel safe in this situation and I don't know how long I can take it for.


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
hopefulvb
♀ Member
Member # 24353
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for your support. Thursdays seems to be my anger day. Its like a roller coaster every week. Starting Sunday night when I go into depression. Then by Thursday, seems like I hit pissed mode. Then he is off Fri-Sun and its all good. How can someone live like this. Katieisfree-I dont know how long I can take it either- Something has to give because I feel completely insane.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jun 2009
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all. I havent posted here in a bit. WH still works out of town with the skank. He has done a little reorg so skank isnt the only one that reports to him. Takes away a bit of her superiority and work exclusiveness with WH. Despite everything he has done whenever he is in her location i freak. He managed to be out of the office for a week so that helped a lot. She still needs to be reminded of the definition of professional is. arghhhhhhhh. It just sucks. I realy believe it is over and he hates her. I still cant help freaking out though.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one of the times I am reminded of what I have let myself in for trying R.

Is your H telling you of contact all the time?

Mine rarely does.

This morning I had to drive him to work (I have my car in getting repaired) and who should I see but her smiling at work mates etc. I have been angry all day now.

H also says its over no sort of relationship does not even look at her


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Jessy1501
♀ Member
Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H works for the same company as the OW. It's only been 3 months since DD...and only about 2 weeks since R. I asked him to have NC with her...he said he can't because she calls him about work and the like. I know deep down, that they don't HAVE to talk for work. She CAN talk to someone else. He said that he can't lie to me and tell me that he won't talk to her.

After DD, he left me. He went out and got a new phone with her...and he's still using that phone and she still has hers...and they each pay half of the bill. I told him it needs to be cut off and he said that I need to stop demanding things from him. That I'm trying to control him and he will cut off her line when he's ready.

Is this normal? I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but is this really something that I have to deal with since I chose to fight through it?


Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jessy, unfortunately, no that is not normal. If he is to R with you, he needs to cut ALL ties with her. Read the info on no contact in the FAQ section on this site and also go to www.marriagebuilders.com VERY HELPFUL!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he said that I need to stop demanding things from him. That I'm trying to control him and he will cut off her line when he's ready.

What an immature thing to say. In my opinion, if he's not ready to cut off the shared phone, he's not ready to reconcile. He may need to work with her, but he most certainly doesn't need to share a phone with her.

Treating you as the villain for making what is a perfectly logical and reasonable request is ridiculous and completely disrespectful. If he can't see that, I fear that he is still in the fog. I am sorry.

Have you considered MC? Maybe a MC could make him see sense?


Posts: 2019 | Registered: Mar 2009
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jessy - I'll chime in agreement with the others that your request is not unreasonable and your WH is being a jerk. The whole phone thing is weird -- they split the bill? Give me a break. Unfortunately he is not ready to R and so you probably need to 180 and not waste your time until he is. Sorry.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
hopefulvb
♀ Member
Member # 24353
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others. They share a cell phone plan??- That is completely ridiculous and unacceptable. Its bad enough they have to share the same air they breathe while they work together. I am sorry and I hope he ocmes out of the fog. (((Jessy)))

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jun 2009
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 24th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are about 1 1/2 years from Dday. It does get better. I don't get depressed over work and haven't for awhile now.
Today I got some wonderful news. OW checked herself into or commited herself to treatment. I don't have all the details. don't know if it is a breakdown or drug addiction. Anyway she isn't around. I am so excited. Work is talking about replacing her. My dream has come true.
As for the Cell phone. You are not being demanding. It's simple. If he wants to R with you. They can't have anything shared between them. It is disrepectful of you and your feeling.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah for Lifesabeach! I keep patiently (ok not so patiently at times) for OW to be GONE!

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
stillindisbelief
♂ Member
Member # 21518
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW and I are fully into R, now 19 months, she still works with AP. She hates him now and I don't worry anymore, she has been totally remorseful since dday, it is nice to figure out why I seem to slip toward depression most Sunday nights, I guess it only makes sence, but still nice to know i'm not the only one.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Nov 2008
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So FOW broke the rules tonite and called off hours to discuss a situation in the office. H answered the phone because i was supposed to be calling then too. He lets it go to VM when it is after hours so that I can listen to the calls when I want to. This time he answered. She told him the issue, he said OK and hung up. Didnt give her the chance to say anything personal and essentially dismissed her. I am proud of Mr. Fleury for doing the right thing.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
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