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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update -
So my H got a call on Thursday and went in for his evaluation with Dr. on Friday morning, he was there pretty much all morning. They released him to start work this last Saturday with one stipulation (marraige counseling) which was my H suggestion.
Very pleased with this, hard that he is back at work, but doing much better than I thought I would. I still ask him everyday if he saw her that day, probably will for a while.
Did find out one more little lie this weekend, just wondering when they are going to stop!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to get my W to tell me if there was any contact. It bothers me to keep asking, and I'm sure it bothers her that I do.

This way if there is any contact, she tells me, and if there isn't, even better. Then I don't even have to mention the wing-nut.

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess in my case, I KNOW there will be contact each and every week. Since i know it, he just tells me what it entailed that day.

I am at the point now, where I am more curious than need to know. H has done a good job at keeping things exactly how I want them, so that is the best.

I also know that I have zero control over him when he is at the work site and he is going to do what he is going to do. It helps knowing that I am not responsible in any way for his behaviour. He makes the choices, he decides what to do and not do. Once I let go of the control thing, he seemed to relax a little bit and started telling me everything. Of course, I don't like that they still interact and at times I get a bit pissy (all right, down right bitchy) but most the time I have a laugh at something stupid FOW says or does.

I say this as he packs to head down to the job site.

Someday......


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
gemini_june_20
♀ Member
Member # 18606
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agreed that there would be times she would need his advice because he has an engineering background like me and she has an accounting background

I'm an accountant and hardly ever speak to our engineers. Hmmm......not sure I buy it?


Married >7 years, together ~9 years
Discovered affair - March 11, 2003
Filed for divorce - March 31, 2003
Divorced - May 5, 2003 (waived 90 day waiting period)
New Job - May 12, 2003
Bought Own Home - May 6, 2003
Adopted a baby girl!-August 2006

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Oregon
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, JCI... have bad news and more affirmation that the comp FWH works for is a sesspool of evil. Co-worker of FWH and friend of ours had affair with another one of the garbage cans that are employed there ...and now she is claiming she's pregant and trying to pin it on him. We are friends with this couple, and this is just so devistating. FWH and I are trying to help them as much as we can. But it sure brings back some aweful memories.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
tristesse
♀ Member
Member # 21565
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you deal with feeling like your spouse's workplace is now off-limits to you? I feel like my FWH and his OW have taken away my right to go there anymore. Even though there's no certainty I'd see the OW if I went to my FWH's job, the fear of it has kept me away. I get panic-stricken every time I've had to drop him off at work in the parking lot in the year since the A. I haven't been in the building since D-day.

I feel like the freedom I had to simply go into my husband's office and pick him up to go to lunch is gone.

Just another one of the losses as a result of the A.


D-Day: 8/26/08
The whole, ugly truth: 12/2/08
Me: BW/46, Him: FWH/44
Kids: 3 boys: 19, 12, 9. 1 girl: 16
In R: MC, IC, AA for him, Al-Anon for me

Posts: 202 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Midwest
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW friend just sent me a friend request on facebook. WTF why is she messing with me now and what does it mean?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trist, Its been almost 3 years and I dont even care anymore. If I go to FWH's work and the schwinn see's me, I dont get anxious anymore, because I know she is more afraid of me now...and as far as the rest of the enablers that work there... they are all beneath me, so I've gotten to the point that I dont care what they think.

Mommy - obviously dont accept that freind request. She's just trying to pry. How important is your facebook page? I'd disable it, but thats just me. Facebook involves too many independent behavior aspects, so we just stay away from it.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
tristesse
♀ Member
Member # 21565
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trist, Its been almost 3 years and I dont even care anymore. If I go to FWH's work and the schwinn see's me, I dont get anxious anymore, because I know she is more afraid of me now...

It's interesting. This approach is along the lines of what my FWH suggested to me today. He seems to believe that if I'd come to his workplace and make my presence known, it would completely freak out the FOW. I guess he's thinking enough times of this and it would unsettle her enough to quit...? Wishful thinking on his part, and I'm pissed off that he'd find a way to put the solution in my court! Good God, haven't I been through enough? Now I'm supposed to push through my own incredible anxiety about even being on the premises in hopes of driving her out?!

My FWH is essentially the FOW's superior, and I've told him I think there are ways he could eventually make her want to quit. He got some advice in the beginning that he'd better not fire her before consulting a lawyer or be ready to face sexual harrassment charges. The threat of that scared him and the other boss enough that they kept her. Instead, he restructured the work setting to never have to deal with her directly. But he never tried to use the power of suggestion or even create an environment so unfriendly that she'd want to leave the place. I fault him for the little he's done to get her out of there.


D-Day: 8/26/08
The whole, ugly truth: 12/2/08
Me: BW/46, Him: FWH/44
Kids: 3 boys: 19, 12, 9. 1 girl: 16
In R: MC, IC, AA for him, Al-Anon for me

Posts: 202 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Midwest
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tris, it's like anything else you do for the first time. Just do it once, and you will have reclaimed what you have lost.

It's not easy though, my chest was so tight the first time I was in the building, I couldn't believe it.
And I knew the om wasn't even there.

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 20th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never been in my H's workplace , just drop him off or pick him up outside. Last time I did it (last week) FOW waved at me. What a hide?? She could have been waving to anyone else but it was a big full arm wave out the window.


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 21st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trist, I have a few other thoughts about going to FWH's workplace... do it, and do it alot if you can. I agree with your WH, it will make her uncomfortable, but remember, she was wacko enough to have an affair with a married man, so she may be wacko enough not to let it scare her to quit...our OW didn't, but the company completely enabled that...another story. Going there alot , too may be a small gesture to your WH. He will see what you are willing to do for him, when I did it the first time, and I knew the ow was working the front desk! My FWH said it really showed it what I was made of and that it proved to him even more what I would do for our marriage. Oh, and another thing I do, not as much anymore, but I sent a lot of baked goods to work with FWH, to share with co-workers, especially when they had big meetings. I take great pleasure in knowing that other people are commenting on my goodies in front of the slut.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, August 21st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW had left work on disablilty, I was so hoping it was going to be permanent. She came back.!
There are rare times when FWH & FOW have to be in the office. Since her return she always has something work related to say. I know he has no control over what she does. But I am really getting angry. It can only be one of two things. She is trying to make it more relaxed for the other co-workers. Since I outed the A to co-workers I am sure they are uncomfortable around the silence. My condition of remaining in R is NC other than work related. This is a triggery time anyway. 2nd possibility She wants to be just friends. Which is how the A started
I don't trust her and never will. Anyone have any similar situations, any ideas to control? In my purrfect world she would leave to never be seen or heard again. I've never been that lucky.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
travelchick
♀ New Member
Member # 24744
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 23rd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommy...you can completely block yourself from anyone that you want on Facebook...to the point that it's as if you didn't exist in their world. She won't be able to search you, she won't see your posts on other people's pages, etc. I should know...OW did this to me after I sent her a very non-threatening e-mail.


"Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK it's not the end." -Unknown

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Long Island, NY
tristesse
♀ Member
Member # 21565
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, FWH's business partners are away all week, leaving him with no lunch buddies. Perfect opportunity for me to meet him for lunch, right?

I haven't been able to do it, and it's not looking good for tomorrow considering my current state of mind. I can't bring myself to motor through it. I jus can't show up there with the possibility of seeing the OW. Makes me feel sick to my stomach and mad as hell.

I've gotten great encouragement and advice here, but I'm just stuck. Yesterday I hit on what I think it is--I just want to die when I think that the OW might see me and be laughing at me or pitying me. I feel like the two of them (my FWH and the OW) made a fool of me a year ago, and I'm too embarrassed to have her see me and think of me as the woman she took advantage of.

After days of trying to give myself a pep talk and do it, I feel ready just to add this to the Losses column--the ability to go have lunch with my husband anymore.


D-Day: 8/26/08
The whole, ugly truth: 12/2/08
Me: BW/46, Him: FWH/44
Kids: 3 boys: 19, 12, 9. 1 girl: 16
In R: MC, IC, AA for him, Al-Anon for me

Posts: 202 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Midwest
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tris, is there any way he can meet you someplace close to his work place so you don't have to go there? Don't be so hard on yourself. My H works with OW in another city. I would dearly love to walk in the office and give him some sort of gift, the thought of that makes me

I don't know who knows and who doesn't. I am afraid that someone might say something that will just set me off. I am with you on this...I don't know if I could do it either. I know this isn't very encouraging, but I just want you to know that you aren't alone in how you feel. I am with you 100%

Give yourself some time and maybe that feeling will change. Don't beat yourself up on this one though.

Now, to my rant!!!

I have said before that for the most part FMOW has stayed within the guidelines of what I call the modified NC. Well, the past few weeks she has been sticking a toe over that line and it f'ing pisses me off. Today was the last straw when she put a LOL at the end of her IM with H. She knows it is unacceptable and did it anyway. I know this seems petty and little, but I don't want her thinking that ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING is normal between her and MY H. She doesn't get to say nice things or cute little emoticons...not once not ever again. So, I proceeded to yell at H for awhile and told him that she needs a consequence for breaking the NC. Something HAS got to happen. period, end of story.

Well, he actually agreed with me. Didn't defend, didn't get upset, just told me that I was right and he would come up with something. I wish the something was him telling her to fuck off and kicking her in the shins, but that might be frowned on by HR and we need this paycheck.

It is just so unfair that this skanky whore gets to be friendly with my H and there isn't any way at all to punish her. I get so damned mad. I just wish she would fall off the face of the earth.

I know I helped make the choice to keep H in this job. I also know that in makes R so much harder, but financial ruin would be hard in so many more difficult ways. This hurt effects me and H, financial ruin would effect my kids in so many horrible ways. I can take this pain so that my kids can enjoy the life they live.

Ugh. This sucks on so many levels.

Thanks for listening. This thread has been pretty quiet for awhile, hope everyone is doing all right dealing with their situations.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Fleury)

I know this seems petty and little, but I don't want her thinking that ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING is normal between her and MY H. She doesn't get to say nice things or cute little emoticons...not once not ever again.

I know exactly what you are talking. I am trying to get my W to understand that whatever her emotions are, anger, hurt, happy, they belong to me! The om doesn't belong there.

I hope and I think I am having some success with this

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Dirk (BTW, Dirk Pitt is one of my all time favourite characters!)

The IM conversation was all work, it just was a bit of a work rant, which just isn't necessary and then followed on by the wonderful LOL and Thanks!

I said some very choice words to H today and it finally sank in. H needs to do whatever it takes so that I do not feel uncomfortable, he needs not give a royal flying F if the skank feels wronged. Each and every time she crosses the line he is obligated to ME to tell the HO she is out of line. I don't care if he tells her that every 5 minutes if he has to. I am hurt and wronged and going through so much pain, she DOES NOT get to say good morning or Thanks! and go along her merry way just because our family needs that paycheck. Ugh, can you tell I am still worked up on this one?

I think I made it clear to H that he needs to be a robot. If Yes is a sufficient answer, leave it at that. No extra words, no nothing. And to his credit, he didn't get too defensive, was able to repeat back to me why i was upset and said he would come up with a workable plan so it didn't happen again. In my new world, I call that a success!!!


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
steelcity1
♂ Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My former WW (divorced her!) still working with her AP (her boss, oh, she is girlfriend #3 in that office, girlfriends 1 and 2 fired after they broke up with him.)

Most of all I lost alot of respect for WW after this; if it was someone normal, I might have understood. But the "Hound"? Confirms how troubled I knew she was and is. Inevitable to fail; one day or years from now.

Good news is that I got away from that craziness. I realize that option not open to all and I send warm regards to all involved in one or another with this very, very sad situation. Unless the WS leaves their job (harder to do in this bad economy) the BS will always be left to wonder what is going on at work? Shouldn't work be the one place that you don't have to worry about your spouse? Oh, well.


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

steel, I hear what you are saying, but once you are put in this mess.
Shouldn't work be the one place that you don't have to worry about your spouse?

There doesn't seem to be a safe place, once your spouse, or you, walk out the front door.

Fleury, the op doesn't deserve even the most common courtesy, but that is difficult for some people to carry through on.

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
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