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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear God its done. This part of the nightmare is over. FWH walked out of his work around noon today to come see me for lunch and he is never going back. Today was his last day there. I hope and pray for everyone else on this thread that your day comes sooner than later. Its been 3 years, one month and 6 days since d-day, and having him continue to work there was just a constant reminder of the most painful event of my life. No more eating shit politly on a rusty spoon.

I almost forgot what it felt like to take a deep breath.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
waybeyondhurt
♀ Member
Member # 25900
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Katieisfree. They don't work very closely together, and he said that even when he does have to go to her department, he doesn't have to walk all the way in, but of course that doesn't stop my mind from going. I'm still at the point where I don't believe anything he says... We still haven't gotten to why he did what he did, so it is hard for me to trust that I don't have to worry about it again. We are in MC and both in IC, so hopefully we will get to that place soon.


BS: me 36
WH: him 42
Married 12 years
2 beautiful little girls, 6 and 8
Married 9/9/99
D-Day #1: 9/10/09
D-Day #2: 9/26/09 (only the text messaging had stopped)
TT and blameshifting: till July 2010
EA with ex-coworker
Trying really hard to R...

Posts: 291 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: New York
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ob9584, I am so happy you don't have to deal with the bullshit anymore. Katie as for your IC 's quote.
IC says he could C her no matter where they both worked so I have to start to devlope trust.

That is very true, but iv we ever found out we would D their ass, no ifs and ands or buts.

I just talked to my W tonight about her day, and she had two shortdiscussions with the om today. I didn't lose it as I have done on previous occasions, but it still affected me.I told her if there was any doubt in my mind that she wasn't as committed to R as I was, one of us wouldn't be living in this house anymore.

p.s. anyone hear from Jessy


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
WantToSmileAgain
♀ Member
Member # 25786
Sad  Posted: 6:22 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I found the right spot in this forum. My husband had an affair with a co-worker from April until August. I found out about the affair on August 15th. His affair partner is obviously bi-sexual since her lesbian lover is the one that contacted me with a bunch of evidence of what had been going on. My husband got extremely pissed off that I was listening and believing the crazy bitch. Said that I didn't deserve respect. I kicked him out of the house for over a week to give me time to calm down and to figure out what the hell I wanted to do. He soon started asking me to please go to marriage counseling, apologized profusely for saying the things that he said, said that he doesn't ever want to lose me or our marriage. I told him he killed our marriage and then told him that I would agree to marriage counseling to hopefully build a new marriage. I've been going to individual counseling and he basically just started, but we've been going to marriage counseling since the first of September.

I'm having a very hard time with him working with the slut. He works in a secured facility so I have no way of knowing for sure what's going on behind closed doors. He's not able to access his work email outside of the facility so have no clue if there's any contact that way either. He seems to be transparent as much as he can be, calling me from his office phone before leaving to come home so that I know he's coming straight home, comes home for dinner (he works night shift) or we go out to dinner, he's leaving his cell phone out and about instead of hiding it as before. He has applied for another job, but if he ever wants to work for this gov't agency (any office around the world) he would need to stay at his current job until at least January 6th...a year from his start date. Yep, the affair started 3 months after he started there and right after we got home from a wonderful trip to Sicily and Rome, Italy for our anniversary.

I'm so lost, confused, angry and absolutely hate him working there. I want to "out" the two of them to their co-workers, but that could get my husband fired and we couldn't financially afford that. I have told a couple of people my husband works with to keep their eyes open for me should they see anything inappropriate going on. Hopefully they'll keep me informed. I really want my husband to be switched to the day shift, but that's been a no go so far. They aren't moving anyone to the day shift.

How do you all get through it every day the WS goes to work????


D-Day 8/15/09
WH Moved Out 1/21/10
Legally Separated 7/6/10
Property Settlement Agreement Signed 3/10/11
Divorce Finalized 4/6/11 WooHoo!
Time to celebrate!

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Virginia
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all,

It has been really weird for me. FOW has been out on medical leave. There has been no contact for a little over a week. Wow, this is what it feels like!! Of course she will be back.

Want to....I have to say for me, it took time to get used to the fact that contact was going to happen. It took time for my H to figure out how to keep that contact 'robotic' and professional only. It took time for FOW to get it. And still there are moments when I just lose it. It is happening less and less (we are 6 months out) so I consider that a good thing.

Dirk can tell you that it takes a lot of work to get the Waywards to understand what we need in these situations. It makes R all the more difficult and adds a layer of complexity to deal with on a daily basis.

If your H is really serious about R, sit down with him and figure out what NC means in your situation. Then he can tell FOW the type of behaviour that is acceptable and what is not.

Keep posting here and we will help you out when you need it!

I haven't heard from jessy either.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does take alot of negotiating to find out what works for the amount of info you need about their contact. I hate to hear her name but i make him say it. He has to tell me when there is contact. I check up to see if she is on same shifts ( that is slowly fading) and I spin out at least once a month about him fooling me and having contact.

I think that it is harder to R in this position but if they can maintain NC then you know they are really serious about R if they can do so while temptation is so close.

Be prepared for broken NC as that is the norm even in non co worker situations and good luck.


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
WantToSmileAgain
♀ Member
Member # 25786
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had told him that if there is any kind of contact whatsoever that I want to know. They do NOT have to work with each other even though they work the same shift on the same floor. My husband told his manager that we are having problems with this person (she left a threatening message on my cell phone) and that they are not to be any where near each other as well as requested to be switched to day shift. The day shift hasn't happened so don't know if they truly have NC whatsoever. I ask him if he's had any contact and he says no. He also is not to go to the breakroom or smoking area (he does not smoke, but yet went out there with her), but to focus on work. When it's a secure facility how will I truly know and how do you learn to trust they're telling you the truth??? I just can't seem to get past this.


D-Day 8/15/09
WH Moved Out 1/21/10
Legally Separated 7/6/10
Property Settlement Agreement Signed 3/10/11
Divorce Finalized 4/6/11 WooHoo!
Time to celebrate!

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Virginia
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WTSA I hope one of us can help you out. As for the Million Dollar Question
how will I truly know and how do you learn to trust they're telling you the truth??? I just can't seem to get past this.
You have to believe.

Not easy, and i am still working it.

Good luck

[This message edited by dirk pitt at 6:08 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Epiphany
♀ Member
Member # 25498
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I pull up a blank email in my WH's work email (Outlook) and start typing a name, the OW's name appears first. Does that mean she's the last person he emailed? I deleted her name from the auto-fill list, so if I look again in a week or so and her name is back does that mean he emailed her again? They work in the same building, but he's said they have no reason to have contact with one another.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Texas
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is the most often used address. Not the last


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been around lately. I read through the latest posts. Obliterated9584
that is great news. You must feel so much relief.
I have a question. FWH and I are almost 2 years out from final dday. I hate FOW that will never change. She is the office manager, I knew her and had actually spent some time socially with her previous to A. Last year because of the discomfort of other co-workers the Company Xmas party wasn't planned. We are starting to plan it for this year. I have one of two ways to go. Either I can make a list with everyone's names. Yes and FOW. To show that we can attend together. Or I can call her on the work line and politely tell her. I hope she attends I felt the previous year that we shouldn't of attended. I outed the A to co-workers earlier in the year. It is a small group and obviously it caused tension. I feel if we all go and just stay on our own sides it would be best for everyone. I really like his co-workers and there wifes. What do you think? I need help to make the correct decision.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you think everyone will be comfortable then invite everyone, even FOW. I am waiting for my W's christmas party, even looking forward to it.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though FWH no longer works with her, as of a week ago, I feel like I still belong in this thread. I posted in the Rec forum, but still safe here. He hates his new job. Its only been a week and I feel like he is not giving it a chance. I just overheard him on the phone with a friend, who knows about the A, telling him how much it sucks and how he "had the world by the ass" at the old job. I know I should hold my tongue, but I just want to scream at him "You should have thought about that before you fucked that whore!!!!" I dont want him to be miserable, but I lived thru this hell for him for 3 fucking years, and he is only been there a week and I KNOW WHAT HE IS GOING THRU IS NOT EVEN IN THE SAME FUCKING SOLAR SYSTEM AS WHAT WE HAVE GONE THRU!!!!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking of a response, and I can't quite get one right.

A job is not your life, it is just a job. A wife and family should be your life.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Dirk... well said. Its just a job. Its not who he is, its just what he does for income. Thats how I feel about my job. Thats not to say I dont care and feel passionate about how well I do my job, but it does not define me. Its the 2nd week, he seems to be in somewhat better spirits. At least he's not walking around looking like someone ran over his dog.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help! I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

WH is having an all-out EA with a coworker; it's been going on for 3 years. He is a corrections officer in a state prison and she is a nurse. It's all in my profile and journal.


WH claims that she is his BFF; she's the only friend he has at the prison and because it is such a hellhole (it truly is) he needs someone to talk to who understands what he is going through.

I say she is NOT his friend; a friend does not tell another woman's husband that she loves him; a friend does not taunt you into disrespecting your spouse. She has just divorced her 3rd husband and I'm sure she has wrecked other marriages. She is not a friend to him or our marriage.

She is the OW; his relationship with her disrespects me and our marriage. He refuses to give her up. Am I being unreasonable? Believe me, I wouldn't mind if he quit that horrible place--he could be a househusband for all I care.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I understand your story, he has had a PA, and is now 'carrying on' with another woman. Then you are not being unreasonable.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the input, Dirk. That's why we are getting D.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That makes sense to me.
I wish you well.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AZ -

Not unreasonable at all. I am sorry you are going through this!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
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