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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
WantToSmileAgain
♀ Member
Member # 25786
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband sent his resume into a company the Monday before Thanksgiving. Please say prayers that he gets this job asap!!! I just can not handle him working with the OW any longer!!!!


D-Day 8/15/09
WH Moved Out 1/21/10
Legally Separated 7/6/10
Property Settlement Agreement Signed 3/10/11
Divorce Finalized 4/6/11 WooHoo!
Time to celebrate!

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Virginia
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(WTSA)

I will say a prayer.

But we have to remember, that are problems won't be solved with just a job change.

Where ever my W works will end up being a trigger for me.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
waybeyondhurt
♀ Member
Member # 25900
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, December 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thanking the heavens above that WH's Xmas party is on my daughter's bday this year, so I don't have to ask him not to go. I have been dreading the thought for weeks. This sucks!!


BS: me 36
WH: him 42
Married 12 years
2 beautiful little girls, 6 and 8
Married 9/9/99
D-Day #1: 9/10/09
D-Day #2: 9/26/09 (only the text messaging had stopped)
TT and blameshifting: till July 2010
EA with ex-coworker
Trying really hard to R...

Posts: 291 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: New York
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, December 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H found out that FOW may show up at their dept. party. She is on medical leave. So, he is going to claim H1N1 that day and not be around.

How bad is this though. He has always given the members of his staff a little present at Christmas...I am talking in the 10$ range. He didn't want to do it this year because of FOW. Well, she is on leave and I have suggested he do it for everyone else besides her. It will be just a little revenge for me. He is just going to leave them on their desks at the beginning of the week so he won't be handing anything out. I also want his staff to know that his wife put the gifts together....

Not nice, I know, but it puts a smile on my face.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
messedup12/1
♀ New Member
Member # 26850
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS works with the OW in a very small office. Everyone in the office knows including the boss who is still doing research on what to do with this problem. (almost 3 weeks have gone by) I also used to work there so was friends with many of the people, including the boss. Due to the nature of the building WS says he has not seen her and she was not in the last staff meeting. He states he could care less if he ever saw her face again since he ended it 4 months before i found out. WS is very impt. to the company and i know they were not happy with OW's performance before this all started and were thinking of letting her go. she saved the emails they had written so she wouldn't go down alone. I get to read them since her husband sent them to me.She is still in love with WS and he knows it. He claims to have come out of the fog in the summer and is now in IC. I hate that due to the rural nature of our area, jobs are limited for someone with his skills. There is only one other company that does this and they are 30 miles away if they would even think of him. I asked him if he would get another job and he said yes, but he said it so quickly that i could see the procrastination already. By this I mean, oh I don't have my resume together yet, oh i haven't had time to look yet, in an endless procession.We haven't really gotten to the R phase yet since both of our counselors say no MC yet, things would blow up.I just feel helpless in this situation and for me, that is the worst thing to be. I like to make decisions and go forward. This whole thing is so out of my hands except that i have to be strong for me. Still what to do..believe him that he could care less about ow and is serious about us..he is now a liar and a cheater so hard to belive much of what comes out..

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi messedup, it just makes things a little more difficult when they work together.

Since everyone knows about the A, and it sounds like it is pretty much over, then you stand a good chance at getting through this mess.

My only concern is that you probably don't know the whole truth about the A. Emotional affairs lead to physical affairs. Do you think your H needed an emotional relationship with 'trailer trash'?


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H worked with the OW for 2 months after I found out about the affair. I am so thankful she quit (not related to the A but b/c of her school schedule). Those 2 months were heck on me.
Now, I have to worry about another shaddy girl coming onto him. They were friends before the A with the OW happened and she has his number b/c he works maintenance and it makes it easier to get ahold of him at work.
She texts him, calls him, pages him and hunts him down at work so they can "talk" about her relationships that keep failing. He has told her to stop doing this b/c it is making our R so difficult. I am trying hard not to blow up at her. I am giving her ONE more chance and if she doesn't stop, I will be calling her butt! I have no idea why she can't get the idea...


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11468 | Registered: Dec 2009
slowlymending
♀ Member
Member # 26454
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you and WS read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? It is an excellent guide to workplace relationships.

She offers some very good tips on Boundaries and ways to be civil and respectful to pushy people in the workplace.

No talking about personal problems is a big one....it leaves the door open to a very slippery slope. OW is not the problem, WS is the only one who can put a stop to the behavior.


BW-me

Slowlymending....

Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 2:51 AM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SOOO I guess I belong to this thread also ...

Just seems neverending ...

WH and OW both work for dept. of corrections in CO ...

they work the sam eshift in the same prison ... the A started b/c they carpolled together and would vent to eachother about their M's and how fucked up their BS's were ...

OW's BH was my WH's bff since 7th grade ... the 4 of us have been in eachother's lives for 11+ yrs ...

we were god parents to their boys ... the 4 of us were vloser than most family ...

Now her and I were not that close she was a friend, but not a super close one ... we only hung when the 4 of us got together ... so no loss there for me loosing her as a friend ...

But I am heart broke for her BH ... he lost a man that was closer than a brother to him ...

They still work together I don't think they are carpooling, only due to child care needs and her needing to drive herself to pick up the boys ... but who knows right ????

And they are still seeing eachother ... WH choose her her over me ...

more in depth in my profile and other posts ...

I am so exhausted by all this and hurt ... a hurt I never knew I could feel ...

[This message edited by booger bear at 2:51 AM, January 3rd (Sunday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi bb
I destroyed our marriage.

Your M might have had problems, most do.

But he made the mistake of not trying to fix it.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Drk.8
♀ Member
Member # 26950
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had a year long (maybe more) A with his co-worker. I knew and have met most of his “close” co-workers, so I thought. After much snooping/digging I discovered they had been good friends for years prior to the A. He never mentioned anything about her like he did of his other close co-workers. This leads me to believe the attraction had always been there, hence the reason why he never spoke of her.


Me-BS-38, him-WH-40
Married 13+ yrs, together 17 yrs
Perfect 10 yr-old son
DD#1-6/5/09, DD#2-7/8/09, DD#3-12/18/09
Divorcing

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: US
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is still working with OW. never mentions her unless I ask. Claims to not even look at her!!!

He never spoke about her when he was involved. In fact all work related chat stopped- that was first clue for me. I guess he didn't want her name to slip out. He says I have always been jealous so did not talk about women. Yeah right.

If you want to R then you have to set boundaries for them. I say no talking, no acknowledgment and no notes either. He says OK but how do we ever know.

It has been a year since NC so I guess unless they are hot and heavy afterwork then it's sticking.

I would prefer a new job for FWH but that is not happening. I stake out work once in while just to let her know I am watching. She is slightly scared of me as I am a bit scarey.


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says I have always been jealous so did not talk about women.

Exactly my husband's accusation.

I stake out work once in while just to let her know I am watching. She is slightly scared of me as I am a bit scarey.

Just after D-Day I was not really of sound mind. One evening, I drove around the parking lot at my husband's place of work for a longish time, looking for OW's car. But I wasn't even sure what make it was, so of course I didn't find it (which is probably just as well.) I don't know about OW, but it certainly scared my husband!

[This message edited by Cally60 at 1:02 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2019 | Registered: Mar 2009
inpieces1224
♀ Member
Member # 27060
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 9th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. Hate to be here.

Well after being lied to for nearly a week I found out that WH and OW work together, he says different shift, she says the same, at this point it doesn't really matter to me. He just went back yesterday. He is one of the bosses, ow is hourly employee. If she does work during the day.. they are both there now, ugh. NC is in place but he violated the first one during what I think was a too soon attempt at R. We are not in R, I am in 180. My mind has been racing all day long. Cause I am in total 180 no discussion has taken place about hinm finding a new job. Crap she even told me that everyone at work thought we had split and were divorcing. He says no. How am I going to get thru this?


ME, BW 30 yrs
HIM, WH 32 yrs
5 beautiful children
Dday 12.30.09
NC 1.9.10 and recommitt to M
broken NC 1.23.10
seperated.
6.2010~in official R and expecting a new baby!

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2010
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 9th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and OW worked together for years and OW just left work place last February so it has been a roller coaster ride for me with OW there every day and me at work. Drove me nuts and anxiety/crying attacks all the time. I still have problems with it even though OW is not there - keep thinking OW is going to return. It's very hard and H offered to quit his job but now that OW is gone - I'm still nervous but it's getting better. Hang in there - it's just a breeding ground at work and it's hard to get through sometimes. You can make it though. If you want to keep the marriage going, keep fighting for it - as long you both want it. God will make a way.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
inpieces1224
♀ Member
Member # 27060
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, January 9th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my mind would race anyway, it could easily just be another woman that comes along. For now I am staying in my 180 until I am sure he is out of the fog and can maintain NC.


ME, BW 30 yrs
HIM, WH 32 yrs
5 beautiful children
Dday 12.30.09
NC 1.9.10 and recommitt to M
broken NC 1.23.10
seperated.
6.2010~in official R and expecting a new baby!

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 4:27 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everybody have not checked in in awhile ...

Doing better today had a couple rough days this last week ... happy to report I am back on the 180 train AGAIN, yes I said again

each time I get stronger though ... there should be a learning curve on the 180 for those of us in the c average range ...

anyway I will check in tomorrow, going to sleep now ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 4:10 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...
been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(bb)

Take Care


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:26 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow this is a pretty quiet thread ... not like the other 10-20 I belong to ...

K just kidding not really that many ...

Just dropping by checking in with you all ...

hope everyone had a wonderful week and hope your weekends were twice as good and may your week ahead be four times as good ...

look at me with the numbers and math stuff ...

All pretty quiet here in booger bear land ... just day by day ... but you all know that ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
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