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User Topic: Dealing With Depression
♀ Member
Member # 14507
Frustrated  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never dealt with depression, until now. I was one of the many who thought they would never take any form of AD's. Well my FWH A changed all of that.

I spent the first few months trying to deal with this on my own. HA! That's a joke, it is impossible to deal with anything when you are hurt, angry, sad, literally sick, wishing you would just go to sleep and not wake up and crying all the time. I just went on Lexapro and Clonopin for sleep last Friday. The Clonopin is doing wonders, had my first good nights sleep in weeks with no side affects The Lexapro hasn't had time to work yet, but boy is it doing a number on my stomache. I will just deal with it to get better. It is pitiful what we go through because of someone who claims to love us, yet they do something so horrible it changes who we are!!


Married:16 yrs
2 beautiful kids:
15 y/o boy & 13 y/o girl
**Trying really hard to R**

~~I Luv Pie~~

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DW was on Effexor while carrying and nursing our youngest daughter, we can't see any bad side effects six years later.


I know I could use a good support group for dealing with DW's depression, I mostly use SI for that.

BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lone, have you ever talked to her therapist? Have you read all the family information about depression?

I tried to talk to my H about it last night, so did the MC, but he's not interested beyond "whatever it takes to make her feel better because my life will be so much easier if she does." Selfish or what? Makes me want to NOT get treated must to pay him back.

Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
♀ Member
Member # 10773
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


How did you all go about getting your Rx? I have been referred to an MD (psychiatrist) through my IC (psychologist) and he is going to run whatever tests I/he think I need to determine the proper meds.

What I thnik I need tested:

*hormone levels
*vitamin/nutritional deficiencies

Are there any other tests I should be aware of as options before I go see him. Just want to be sure I am covering all my bases.

What other tests can I expect he might want to run on me?

Feeling a little nervous about this.

[This message edited by unsureofanything at 6:20 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)]

Just tired of feeling like a sucker.

Posts: 313 | Registered: May 2006
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Member # 14507
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been taking Lexapro now for a week, and I feel like it is starting to work. It messed up my stomache for the first few days, but now that is ok.

Can anyone tell me any long term side affects with this AD? Iv'e heard it is one of the ADs with the fewest side affects. What about weight gain, I've always been blessed with a very high metabolism, I'm 5'5" usually weighing 115-117, but I've lost 13 lbs since dday. Also just found out I'm Hyperthyroid, so I have to take meds for that too. And that causes weight loss as well. I'm just worried now that I'm messing with my system for the first time ever that I'm going to gain the weight back and then some.

Also concerned about sexual side affects, so far I still feel normal in that dept.

And what about having a glass or two of wine? I have always enjoyed wine. I haven't drank since I started feeling so sick. Now that I feel a little better it would be nice to have a glass now and then. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.


Married:16 yrs
2 beautiful kids:
15 y/o boy & 13 y/o girl
**Trying really hard to R**

~~I Luv Pie~~

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 9607
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been suggested that I have my vitamins checked too (in the winter). I get kind of grumpy and eat too much, although it's nto as bad as it was before I started taking Paxil. This could be a D defiency related to depressive genetic makeup.

Someone asked about St Johns Wort. I tried it for a week or so before I went on Paxil. What it did was make me acutely anxious. I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat panting and panicky.

The psychiatrist said probably it lifted the depression but didn't touch the underlying anxiety. I have more of an anxiety disorder than depression. I get depressed as a result of the unbearable anxiety.

So -- I'm not a fan of self-medicating.

Posts: 3081 | Registered: Jan 2006
Member # 995
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 24th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not depressed myself (I have been on AD's since first finding out about the A. I just stay on them to keep the status quo. I tend to run pretty happy.

My SO is in a severe depression right now. Nothing in his life is going right--his business is failing. He is having difficulties with his kids, he is on meds for some health issues which he also believes may be contributing to his depression.

He doesn't engage or seem to care about much of anything. He alost never laughs or smiles. He is eeyore all the time. I am trying to be patient.

1. It is starting to bring me down, too.

2. I feel helpless. How do I help him? What can I do?

3. I feel that he doesn't even want to be with me.

4. I find myself taking this all personally. I try not to, but I just can't help it.

Can anyone offer any suggestions? He has an appt. to see a counselor on Thursday.

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Massachusetts
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, June 25th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a lot like Greenegirl re: anxiety.

And, I'm hypersensitive.

Heck, I'm the AD "side effects" Queen.
So, NO thanks to any AD's.

I just wait for Depression to pass. I don't want to be a freaking out Zombie.

I find that writing, chocolate, and enough rest help me.

After all, its normal to be depressed after what has happened to us.

Besides, the idea of enriching the Pharmaceuticals makes me wanna

((((((hugs, everybody))))))

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
♀ Member
Member # 14803
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought this might be the right forum to go to. Whew, after reading six pages of posting I think I'm in the right place lol. I have also dealt with depression since a very young age. I can remember having suicidal thoughts after my sister committed suicide when I was eight years old and it just went from there with many years of cutting and half-hearted attempts at suicide. I knew inside me that I didn't want to have to deal with life and it seemed like everything was wasted but I also knew from dealing with it with my sister that suicide devastates everyone and is a very selfish road to take. So in my unrational teenage mind I figured that cutting and occasional burning and keeping it all a secret was achieving the same end...relieving the inner pain with physical pain and no one had to be the wiser but myself. Of course as I grew up I realized that it wasn't really helping me but at that point it was more of an addiction than anything. I have my good days and my bad days but now when money permits I usually just get a tattoo or piercing and feel the same release that the cutting provides but unfortunately those things are expensive and right now financially things aren't so great because my employer (I am a contract worker) isn't sending my checks which sends me into fits of anxiety and depression to rival all others. I was doing really good with not cutting until Dday and I just lost it. I didn't immediately pick up a sharp, shiny object (as I call them) but I did find myself on my bathroom floor dragging my fingernails down my neck and arms making huge bloody, red lines and then tearing my house apart at my lowest point searching for anything sharp. I used knifes, scissors anything I could find and thankfully not a damn thing in my house was sharp enough to actually kill myself.
I've never been on AD's. I once was diagnosed with bipolar but my H and my mother said that I didn't need to go back and see the doctor again and that it would pass eventually. It does pass eventually and it does come back which is how it has always been but I didn't argue with them and just didn't go back. Now at this point I made my H quit his job so he wouldn't be around the OW and we moved away from my home town where the A started to a new town which is a whole lot to deal with but now he has started a new job with no medical benefits so any hope for ADs or just help in general is just that...a hope. Anyways, this has gotten way too long and I didn't mean for it to lol but anyone with the same problems or anyone with advice please pm me.

Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)

Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 30th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a long time,

I don't buy stuff for me,

I don't spend money on me,

I don't go and do things for me,
I wear my shoes until they just fall apart on my feet,

I struggle to get new socks, took me three months to finally get some,

I just can't find any reason to splurge when I want,

Even when I have it,

I feel guilty for thinking about myself,

I live in a mental gutter of myself,

i struggle to find meaning,



i feel like the bad guy in life, I am the enemy to all in my family,

I just can't seem to get anything right,

This is years long, with occasional breaks in good times,

You know why,

It is simple,

I used to be able to see the future,
I could see myself doing things,

going places,

being with family,

enjoying the kids,

All the things that makes life good.

but i am blind,

I just can't see anymore,

It is not there,

I am at a loss,

Nothing matters a lot,


Because I don't expect to be alive tommorrow,

so why bother.

I hate this feeling today,

But I have many days when I pray for relief,

relief in the form of a death.

I just have no ambition to breath many days.

But I get up,

I have a pulse,

And i say shit,

i guess i got to get up and go,

maybe tommorrow will be better.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 30th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hurts))) Everyday has a reason in it to go on. No matter what's happened yesterday, today, tomorrow is another chance. Please find one joy.

Look, I didn't do a damn thing for myself in over 10 years. 10 years of denial and self sacrifice and WTF did it get me? I find my anger moves me, inspires me.

Can you try that?

Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 30th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been playing with this fo a while. I am on that rller coaster. But I currently find me not liking this feeling.

I posted here because it is applicable and it is less traveled. I just wanted to put it out there.

One thing I am trying to do is to rid myself of my anger, it serves me worse than anything else.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Weepy on this one. You need to embrace some of the good anger. The kind of anger that helps you leave the shattered dream and broken promises behind...
The kind of anger that forces you be good to yourself not matter how much you're hating yourself for hurting this much...
The kind of anger that reminds you that the only reason why it hurts is because you're capable of caring...

Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Member # 15283
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who are leery about AD's there are some alternatives.

5HTP is a serotonin agent.
SAM-e is a dopamine agent.
Acupunture is good for endorphines. Which is the grandaddy of serotonin I think.

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2007
Last Laugh
♀ Member
Member # 11653
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 26th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suffered severe depression from age of 6. My dad just disappeared from my life after promising to see me the following day for my birthday. He and my mom were divorced. For years, whenever I tried to find him, my mom put a spoke in the wheels and tried to placate me with BS like "when men get divorced and meet another woman, they forget about their own children because they're either having more children with new wife or being a dad to any children she already has". At 16, I found out my mom had told my dad on the eve of my 6th birthday that it would be best if he did not see me again as she was getting ready to remarry. My dad committed suicide that night. I was beyond devastated and tried to commit suicide myself that night by slitting my wrists. I landed up with 165 stitches in my arms and was immediately released from hospital with my mom having been given instructions to get me to a shrink. She did nothing but berate me for my choice so I locked myself in the bathroom and scrubbed my arms with a scrubbing brush with laundry soap until all the stitches were torn out and the gaping wounds were gushing blood. I then drank a bottle of household cleaner (no tablets available). After my mom got no response from me through the bathroom door, they broke it down and I was again taken to hospital. From there, the social worker arranged for me to be admitted to a psychiatric facility. I was there for 6 months seeing a psychiatrist every day. I was on a host of medications and became adept at hiding my feelings and telling the staff what they wanted to hear. I was still planning on committing suicide at the first opportunity I got. I didn't take my meds at the facility and hoarded them.

After six months I was discharged with a huge number of various ADs and anti anxiety meds with instructions to my mom that they be kept under lock and key and only be administered as directed by her personally. Needless to say, after about a week, this regime pissed my mom off because she had 4 other kids to look after besides me and she promptly gave me all my meds and said something to the effect of "well, if you want to kill yourself, go ahead, just make sure you do a good job of it this time".

I remember fighting the instinct to just swallow all those damn pills until one day, something just gave and, while my mom and step dad were out, I took all the tablets. They got home and found me unconscious. The paramedics were called and I was admitted to ICU on life support. I eventually regained consciousness a week later and was made a ward of the Court and put in a government mental institution.

For reasons unknown to me, my mom wanted me back home so part of the reunification plan was that the entire family had to have therapy. During this time I admitted to the shrink that at 13 I'd been raped by one of my mom's friends whilst helping him look after his kids while his wife was in hospital. I told my mom at the time and she told me it was my own fault as I must have encouraged it.

My mom was found to be suffering from depression at this time too and was put on medication. After 18 months I was returned home and slept with the first guy (a man much older than myself) who said he loved me. I landed up pregnant and got married. This was a physically abusive relationship and although I suffered from (for me) low grade depression, I took my ADs as prescribed and held it together pretty well. By now I had 2 small children, had never worked and had absolutely no skills to enable me to do so. I eventually left then husband and literally bullshitted my way into a job working for attorneys (after a 12 hour typing course). I then divorced my husband and got sole custody and sole guardianship of my kids. I applied myself diligently to my job and climbed the ranks within the legal field until I qualified as a para legal. Still taking ADs. Wasn't depressed but was terrified to stop taking them.

5 years later met my current husband who didn't approve of ADs and, with the help of a psychiatrist, I came off them.

Had another baby and life was great. After 20 years, my H had an EA with a co worker. During this time H tried to convince me I was totally insane. Would phone OW during the middle of the night and then say it was one of my multiple personalities that had done it. I was totally dependent on my H as I'd recently had a major stroke following the death of our first grandchild. I quickly found myself back in the black pit of despair and once again took an overdose. Landed up back in ICU, only to be discharged again with more meds.

H was still being dishonest and gaslighting big time. I could not function at all. I never got out of bed and just to have a bath was a major effort.

I had made a friend here on SI who I spoke to on the telephone every day and she really kept me going. I do not recall what triggered my last suicide attempt, nor do I recall gathering up every tablet in my home and taking them. Fortunately my SI friend phoned and realised something was terribly wrong as I was absolutely incoherent. She managed to track my H down at work purely from little bits and pieces I'd told her about my life and told him he'd better get me some help immediately.

I was once again admitted to a psych. hospital where I was detained at the pleasure of the state. I had to appear before a Magistrate on a weekly basis and, when he was satisfied that I was no longer an imminent threat to myself, he released me conditionally. I had to agree to see a State appointed private psychiatrist as often as said psychiatrist deemed necessary. Also had to have 24/7 care. The psychiatrist was amazing. Saw him every day for a good couple of months, then weekly, fortnightly and then monthly. I think I was on every AD and mood stabilizer on the market at one time or another until we found the right combination. The shrink would occasionally phone me at 08h00 and tell me to be at the lab by 09h00 for a blood test to check my med levels and would pop in to visit unannounced.

This man is, no doubt, a hero in my opinion. Two years after my initial consultation, he discharged me and I was released from Court ordered treatment by the State. That was over 2 years ago and I have subsequently come off all my meds but am acutely aware that depression can strike again at any time and will take the necessary steps to get ADs again, should I ever start to backslide. My M is better than ever and I'm the happiest I've been in my whole life.

There is life after depression folks. It's a long uphill battle, but well worth it.

trust is gained by many deeds and lost by only one.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Aug 2006
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Member # 12969
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, September 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive been diagnosed with Depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder since I was 10 years old ( was sexually abused). My PTSD was in remission all these years till my husband had the affair (which resulted in a child). I found out about the affair almost 2 years ago and my H just went to court for CS for the kid and Im having a hard time dealing with it. WE are totally happily married and I have forgiven him, but Im so depressed about the OW and OC being a part of our lives for the rest of our lives that it consumes my every thought!! She took us to the cleaners and now we cant afford the kids that we have ( one with a disease.. Hirschsprungs disease). She lives with her parents has no bills and makes more then my husband but still got a LARGE amount for support and not to mention the HUGE amount of back CS even though she had no Job the entire time of the back CS. I wish I could just accept that this is my life and move on but I cant. HEr and my H did so much damage to me and my children so I have a hard time even wanting to go on. I mean I dont really want to be in this world where it is so unfair and my children are worth so much less then a C taht was a result of an affair. The only reason why I havent taken my life is because I do have these kids... But.. on the other hand I think they would be better off because right now all they do is see me cry. HOw can that be healthy for them?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From:
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know where you're coming from, my daughters are keeping me focused.

Your kids need you, depression and all. Have you been to your psychiatrists lately? Maybe your meds need adjusting.

BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been on Wellbutrin now for 3 weeks. Some days I notice a lessening of the anger and anxiety and low thoughts, but just this past weekend, I dropped into the basement again. I know it's the neurochemicals still out of balance because of the cravings for sweets (search for dopamine) or whatever "good" chemical eating chocolate releases.

I have made up my mind I'm not going to harm myself. I can't and won't go there. But I can't shake the feelings of worthlessness and I've been crying all weekend.

I thought the meds were supposed to help!

Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
♀ Member
Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, another club I belong to. Good God, this is ridiculous! My IC says my depression is getting worse so now he wants to put me on meds. I didn't want to but maybe it will help. I'm tired of this! Right now, I'm willing to try anything to get this to just go away even if for a short period of time.

Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
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Member # 15770
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, add me to the club too I guess.

I was put on Zoloft at the beginning of August. I was also given Xanax in July for my panic attacks as a result of the A.

Fast forward to now...I'm still on Zoloft. Hate it. Mostly b/c I have a hard time reaching 'O'. Also I feel as if it's not really working on the 'sad' part anymore. Since I'm pretty much sad all the time now.

I believe it started for me after the birth of our 3rd baby. Although, I never knew it was that. But looking back and knowing what I do now, it really was depression.

After dday, I can remember sitting in the tub with all my pills lined up. Just staring at them. Of course I didn't take them but I sure wanted to. Then about 3 weeks ago, the continuing sadness over the A caught up to me. This time, it was so overwhelming that I took a pair of scissors and tried to cut myself on my upper leg. Didn't do more than scratch and bleed a little. FWH wanted to call 911 but I talked him out of it. I just needed somewhere for the pain to go. I feel as if it has no way to leave my body. That was the 1st and only time I've ever did that. FWH made me promise not to do it again. I said I wouldn't but there are days and times (especially today, this is why I'm here right now) that I keep thinking that I need to 'release' that heartache.

I got to IC (sometimes...military doctors fill up quickly), I journal. FWH is supportive and everything that he has to be to make us work again and heal.

So now, here I am. I guess I'm joining the club.


Me: BS, 34
FWS: 34

D-day #1 (I thought it was just an EA): July 8th, 2007

D-day #2 (found out was actual PA): July 17th, 2007

D-day #3 - Our anniversary. July 21, 2007.

Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 498
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