I spent the first few months trying to deal with this on my own. HA! That's a joke, it is impossible to deal with anything when you are hurt, angry, sad, literally sick, wishing you would just go to sleep and not wake up and crying all the time. I just went on Lexapro and Clonopin for sleep last Friday. The Clonopin is doing wonders, had my first good nights sleep in weeks with no side affects The Lexapro hasn't had time to work yet, but boy is it doing a number on my stomache. I will just deal with it to get better. It is pitiful what we go through because of someone who claims to love us, yet they do something so horrible it changes who we are!!
~~I Luv Pie~~
DW was on Effexor while carrying and nursing our youngest daughter, we can't see any bad side effects six years later.
I know I could use a good support group for dealing with DW's depression, I mostly use SI for that.
I tried to talk to my H about it last night, so did the MC, but he's not interested beyond "whatever it takes to make her feel better because my life will be so much easier if she does." Selfish or what? Makes me want to NOT get treated must to pay him back.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
How did you all go about getting your Rx? I have been referred to an MD (psychiatrist) through my IC (psychologist) and he is going to run whatever tests I/he think I need to determine the proper meds.
What I thnik I need tested:
Are there any other tests I should be aware of as options before I go see him. Just want to be sure I am covering all my bases.
What other tests can I expect he might want to run on me?
Feeling a little nervous about this.
[This message edited by unsureofanything at 6:20 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)]
Can anyone tell me any long term side affects with this AD? Iv'e heard it is one of the ADs with the fewest side affects. What about weight gain, I've always been blessed with a very high metabolism, I'm 5'5" usually weighing 115-117, but I've lost 13 lbs since dday. Also just found out I'm Hyperthyroid, so I have to take meds for that too. And that causes weight loss as well. I'm just worried now that I'm messing with my system for the first time ever that I'm going to gain the weight back and then some.
Also concerned about sexual side affects, so far I still feel normal in that dept.
And what about having a glass or two of wine? I have always enjoyed wine. I haven't drank since I started feeling so sick. Now that I feel a little better it would be nice to have a glass now and then. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
Someone asked about St Johns Wort. I tried it for a week or so before I went on Paxil. What it did was make me acutely anxious. I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat panting and panicky.
The psychiatrist said probably it lifted the depression but didn't touch the underlying anxiety. I have more of an anxiety disorder than depression. I get depressed as a result of the unbearable anxiety.
So -- I'm not a fan of self-medicating.
My SO is in a severe depression right now. Nothing in his life is going right--his business is failing. He is having difficulties with his kids, he is on meds for some health issues which he also believes may be contributing to his depression.
He doesn't engage or seem to care about much of anything. He alost never laughs or smiles. He is eeyore all the time. I am trying to be patient.
1. It is starting to bring me down, too.
2. I feel helpless. How do I help him? What can I do?
3. I feel that he doesn't even want to be with me.
4. I find myself taking this all personally. I try not to, but I just can't help it.
Can anyone offer any suggestions? He has an appt. to see a counselor on Thursday.
And, I'm hypersensitive.
Heck, I'm the AD "side effects" Queen.
So, NO thanks to any AD's.
I just wait for Depression to pass. I don't want to be a freaking out Zombie.
I find that writing, chocolate, and enough rest help me.
After all, its normal to be depressed after what has happened to us.
Besides, the idea of enriching the Pharmaceuticals makes me wanna
I don't buy stuff for me,
I don't spend money on me,
I don't go and do things for me,
I wear my shoes until they just fall apart on my feet,
I struggle to get new socks, took me three months to finally get some,
I just can't find any reason to splurge when I want,
Even when I have it,
I feel guilty for thinking about myself,
I live in a mental gutter of myself,
i struggle to find meaning,
i feel like the bad guy in life, I am the enemy to all in my family,
I just can't seem to get anything right,
This is years long, with occasional breaks in good times,
You know why,
It is simple,
I used to be able to see the future,
I could see myself doing things,
being with family,
enjoying the kids,
All the things that makes life good.
but i am blind,
I just can't see anymore,
It is not there,
I am at a loss,
Nothing matters a lot,
Because I don't expect to be alive tommorrow,
so why bother.
I hate this feeling today,
But I have many days when I pray for relief,
relief in the form of a death.
I just have no ambition to breath many days.
But I get up,
I have a pulse,
And i say shit,
i guess i got to get up and go,
maybe tommorrow will be better.
Look, I didn't do a damn thing for myself in over 10 years. 10 years of denial and self sacrifice and WTF did it get me? I find my anger moves me, inspires me.
Can you try that?
I posted here because it is applicable and it is less traveled. I just wanted to put it out there.
One thing I am trying to do is to rid myself of my anger, it serves me worse than anything else.
5HTP is a serotonin agent.
SAM-e is a dopamine agent.
Acupunture is good for endorphines. Which is the grandaddy of serotonin I think.
After six months I was discharged with a huge number of various ADs and anti anxiety meds with instructions to my mom that they be kept under lock and key and only be administered as directed by her personally. Needless to say, after about a week, this regime pissed my mom off because she had 4 other kids to look after besides me and she promptly gave me all my meds and said something to the effect of "well, if you want to kill yourself, go ahead, just make sure you do a good job of it this time".
I remember fighting the instinct to just swallow all those damn pills until one day, something just gave and, while my mom and step dad were out, I took all the tablets. They got home and found me unconscious. The paramedics were called and I was admitted to ICU on life support. I eventually regained consciousness a week later and was made a ward of the Court and put in a government mental institution.
For reasons unknown to me, my mom wanted me back home so part of the reunification plan was that the entire family had to have therapy. During this time I admitted to the shrink that at 13 I'd been raped by one of my mom's friends whilst helping him look after his kids while his wife was in hospital. I told my mom at the time and she told me it was my own fault as I must have encouraged it.
My mom was found to be suffering from depression at this time too and was put on medication. After 18 months I was returned home and slept with the first guy (a man much older than myself) who said he loved me. I landed up pregnant and got married. This was a physically abusive relationship and although I suffered from (for me) low grade depression, I took my ADs as prescribed and held it together pretty well. By now I had 2 small children, had never worked and had absolutely no skills to enable me to do so. I eventually left then husband and literally bullshitted my way into a job working for attorneys (after a 12 hour typing course). I then divorced my husband and got sole custody and sole guardianship of my kids. I applied myself diligently to my job and climbed the ranks within the legal field until I qualified as a para legal. Still taking ADs. Wasn't depressed but was terrified to stop taking them.
5 years later met my current husband who didn't approve of ADs and, with the help of a psychiatrist, I came off them.
Had another baby and life was great. After 20 years, my H had an EA with a co worker. During this time H tried to convince me I was totally insane. Would phone OW during the middle of the night and then say it was one of my multiple personalities that had done it. I was totally dependent on my H as I'd recently had a major stroke following the death of our first grandchild. I quickly found myself back in the black pit of despair and once again took an overdose. Landed up back in ICU, only to be discharged again with more meds.
H was still being dishonest and gaslighting big time. I could not function at all. I never got out of bed and just to have a bath was a major effort.
I had made a friend here on SI who I spoke to on the telephone every day and she really kept me going. I do not recall what triggered my last suicide attempt, nor do I recall gathering up every tablet in my home and taking them. Fortunately my SI friend phoned and realised something was terribly wrong as I was absolutely incoherent. She managed to track my H down at work purely from little bits and pieces I'd told her about my life and told him he'd better get me some help immediately.
I was once again admitted to a psych. hospital where I was detained at the pleasure of the state. I had to appear before a Magistrate on a weekly basis and, when he was satisfied that I was no longer an imminent threat to myself, he released me conditionally. I had to agree to see a State appointed private psychiatrist as often as said psychiatrist deemed necessary. Also had to have 24/7 care. The psychiatrist was amazing. Saw him every day for a good couple of months, then weekly, fortnightly and then monthly. I think I was on every AD and mood stabilizer on the market at one time or another until we found the right combination. The shrink would occasionally phone me at 08h00 and tell me to be at the lab by 09h00 for a blood test to check my med levels and would pop in to visit unannounced.
This man is, no doubt, a hero in my opinion. Two years after my initial consultation, he discharged me and I was released from Court ordered treatment by the State. That was over 2 years ago and I have subsequently come off all my meds but am acutely aware that depression can strike again at any time and will take the necessary steps to get ADs again, should I ever start to backslide. My M is better than ever and I'm the happiest I've been in my whole life.
There is life after depression folks. It's a long uphill battle, but well worth it.
I know where you're coming from, my daughters are keeping me focused.
Your kids need you, depression and all. Have you been to your psychiatrists lately? Maybe your meds need adjusting.
I have made up my mind I'm not going to harm myself. I can't and won't go there. But I can't shake the feelings of worthlessness and I've been crying all weekend.
I thought the meds were supposed to help!
I was put on Zoloft at the beginning of August. I was also given Xanax in July for my panic attacks as a result of the A.
Fast forward to now...I'm still on Zoloft. Hate it. Mostly b/c I have a hard time reaching 'O'. Also I feel as if it's not really working on the 'sad' part anymore. Since I'm pretty much sad all the time now.
I believe it started for me after the birth of our 3rd baby. Although, I never knew it was that. But looking back and knowing what I do now, it really was depression.
After dday, I can remember sitting in the tub with all my pills lined up. Just staring at them. Of course I didn't take them but I sure wanted to. Then about 3 weeks ago, the continuing sadness over the A caught up to me. This time, it was so overwhelming that I took a pair of scissors and tried to cut myself on my upper leg. Didn't do more than scratch and bleed a little. FWH wanted to call 911 but I talked him out of it. I just needed somewhere for the pain to go. I feel as if it has no way to leave my body. That was the 1st and only time I've ever did that. FWH made me promise not to do it again. I said I wouldn't but there are days and times (especially today, this is why I'm here right now) that I keep thinking that I need to 'release' that heartache.
I got to IC (sometimes...military doctors fill up quickly), I journal. FWH is supportive and everything that he has to be to make us work again and heal.
So now, here I am. I guess I'm joining the club.
Me: BS, 34
D-day #1 (I thought it was just an EA): July 8th, 2007
D-day #2 (found out was actual PA): July 17th, 2007
D-day #3 - Our anniversary. July 21, 2007.