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User Topic: Dealing With Depression
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Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butterflie - I was raised to handle everything on my own; the thought of ever going to a shrink was never ever discussed. So when I lost my mom to cancer in 2004 I finally broke down and went to a shrink to help with the enormous grief I felt - thank god!!!

Then the A happened in 2006 between my best friend and my WH. Losing my mother was a walk in the park compared to the pain I felt. I never, ever in my life understood suicide until the A was shoved in my face. (I knew I wouldn't do it b/c of my babies, however the urge was there) Even then I STILL refused ADs. I struggled for another year, until the inability to concentrate at my work caught up to me and I had a breakdown. Could NOT stop hysterically crying for 2 whole days. So I begrudgingly agreed to try the ADs. Holy friggin shit I am SO pissed I didn't agree to take them sooner!!! It does not end all of your sadness, but boy, the obsessive thoughts diminished almost completely, concentration got better and I was a much much better mother to my children. Things that would have sent me over the edge I can now shrug off or deal with them without losing my mind.

I am taking Zoloft and Wellbutrin....the Zoloft is what did the trick - it is truly a miracle pill for me. And yes, I still see the shrink twice a week.

I feel everyone's pain on this thread because I was there. Whenever I got a break from the kids (I have them 98%) I would just sit and stare at a wall, or watch TV with the volume off....for hours. It was awful. So yes, it all gets better with time, but I while you're waiting, I highly recommend ADs!!!

[This message edited by aokmom at 3:37 AM, March 17th (Monday)]

Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
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Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope that i don't have to deal with depression all of my life.
I feel that i will though.
Ever since i was 11 i have gone through severe stages of depression.
I fight it all the time and am very self aware of it.

Finding out that my SO cheated on me,sent me into a severe state of depression.
I am on anti depressants but they aren't really helping me all the much.
I am yet to go back to a counsellor though and know i need to.

Depression is the pits :(

Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: sydney
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Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have suffered with depression since I was a teen, but wasn't diagnosed until last summer. I am on meds and learning new techniques for dealing with the anxiety and suicidal thoughts. So far everything is working. I also think finding my faith again is why I am able to cope so much better.

WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.

Posts: 3948 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Member # 18041
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im dead inside

Posts: 469 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our local PBS station ran a special this week on Depression called Depression: Out of the Shadows. You might want to check your local listings and see if it's being broadcast.

I saw only the firs5 minutes and could SO identify with the people on there. The key I think is to get your loved ones to watch it and hope they can remove themselves from the personal situation and see the disease for what it is.

Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was recently put anti-depressant medicine as my doctor thinks that this will be a temporary situation. I have always been really cautious with any medicine that I take.

It seems to be helping as I can concentrate at work now and seem to be a little bit more at ease in the house.

You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

D-Day 4/14/08

Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
Member # 19909
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to the doctor for my depression and anxiety issues about a year ago.....when the last BIG clues to his A came out. His denial and anger towards me....just crushes me. I was put on 2 kinds of meds.....but that gave him ANOTHER reason to say our problems are MY fault....after all...I'm the one on meds. (a-hole...I'm on them because of YOU!)

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2008
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Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to the doctor for my depression and anxiety issues about a year ago.....

He is such a dipsh*t. Kudos to you for hanging in there through the depression and anxiety. It is really disorienting. It is the equivalent of him kicking you hard in the knee while you are both running a marathon, and then mocking you because you are hobbling.

Married 20, both 40s
3 kids
D Day Jul 07, confrontation Sept 07, she broke off R June 08, moved out Aug 08, custody fight Dec 08.
GAL investigation ended July 09, Got 50/50 custody Aug 09, Attys fees and Alimony settled Nov 09, divorced Jan 10.

Posts: 170 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 19909
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nomduguerre - seriously! Good analogy BTW. My fave is that my doc gave me low dose anti-anxiety meds to help me sleep without constantly re-playing stuff in my head and keeping me awake. He goes and takes them occasionally when he is stressed!

Honestly....he is the one with depression issues...that go up and down. But he will never admit it. He shuts me out, picks fights until he gets himself back on track.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2008
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Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now know that I have dealt with depression most of my life. I have been on meds a little more than a year. I feel more in control most days.

The suicidal thought were so bad, I actually planned my suicide and wrote a will, letters to my family and children and put double indemnity on my life insurance. I waited for the time period to pass for it to take effect and planned what bridge I would drive off of.

I am thankful that the Lord had a good friend step in and recognize what was going on and got me help.

WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.

Posts: 3948 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Member # 10807
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am dealing with depression so I thought I'd put down some of my thoughts here.
It's a bit long and rambling.
This is how I feel about depression. I understand that this may not be the same as how others feel.
I recognise that I have had depression to a degree for many years, perhaps all my life but certainly to some degree or another for 25 years (which oddly enough is how long I have been involved with my wife - no real connection - I think!).
This depression got worse with a motorbike accident and PTSD associated with that. I hit rock bottom when I discovered my wife's affairs.
The work I have done in dealing with this infidelity and the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy I have had to help deal with the PTSD has helped me a lot.
I took and still take St Johns Wort. A natural herb proven to work effectively as an anti-depressant. I think the day will come soon when I no longer feel I need this.
I feel that I have come to realise that depression can be a choice.
Bad things can and do happen and it is healthy and natural for us to feel sad at this time. It is not healthy or necessary for us to remain depressed. I think my depression stemmed from a learned unhealthy response to negative or painful experiences in my life. It was not these events themselves but my response to them that locked me into depression, I was depressed because I was trapped into a depressive way of thinking, a depressive way of dealing with life.
Bad things can and do happen and there is no real reason why this should not be so. It is natural and in a sense right and proper that bad things happen sometimes, just as it is right and proper that good things also happen.
I accept this now in a way I didn't before. This seems very obvious perhaps, almost trivial but I think it is critical.
If something tragic or hurtful happens how we respond about the fact it happened (not the event itself) will have a major impact on how we deal with it. If we accept that this event is sad, not asked for, not wanted but that it had a "right" to happen we avoid a lot of the anger and a lot of dysfunctional thinking involved in fighting against the fact that it happened. Instead of being locked into a depression/ denial trap we accept it, process our emotions and move on in a positive way. If I do not do this I see that I will carry on my old pattern, agonising about why it happened, about what I could have done to avoid it happening, denying that it has actually happened, being angry that it happened but never ever actually dealing with it and thus not moving on, thus not able to move out of from underneath this cloud into a new and more positive atmosphere.
Just the other day I was flying down from Scotland. Looking out the window as we flew above the clouds I was awe struck as I always am at how beautiful it is up there. I had quite a personally emotonal revelation up there.
I realised that this world is big, really really big, and I am small. What may seem huge in my life can be put into perspective when up there. This world I live on is a wonderful and very beautiful place, I am a part of it but it does not revolve around me and the events in my life, no matter how "big" or traumatic they seem to be.
I realised that the sun is always shining giving positive warmth and light. It is right and natural that the earth turns and that I have times of light and warmth and times of darkness. The sun and earth do not care about me, but they do not not care either, they simply are. There is no reason why this should not be so. I cannot fight this, or expect my life to be bathed in light and happiness all the time, and if it was I would die!
As we flew above the clouds there were occassional breaks and I could see the countryside below. Some in sunlight, some under cloud. I realised that life is like this. Sometimes we have events in our lives that we see as positive (light) sometimes we experience events that we see as negative or sad (dark) but these are all natural and "right". I realised that if I respond to life in a depressive way I create my own cloud in my mind and emotions. I drag this around with me. Even when the sun comes out I remain in darkness, I cannot see or appreciate the good warm happy events that surround me. When my life passes under a cloud, my own internal cloud magnifies this, makes it darker. And when it is night, my nights are far darker and more terrifying than they need be. Seldom is the night truly dark. Nature gives us moonlight, and when the moon is not high in the sky nature gives us starlight, and even the clouds at night cannot easily block out that light. My own internal cloud, my own negative responses, my own depression is a far far darker cloud that can make the nights totally dark and at times like this we can truly loose our way, we can forget that there really is light out there and we can wish that our lives would end.
I have been in that dark dark place.
I have let my own clouds go and been amazed to feel the warmth and light re-enter my life. Suprising things have happened. I can feel in ways I have not before. I can see clearly and in the light some of the things that caused me such fear and pain cn be seen to be small, or I can see a way around them. I can see how much potential there is in life. Yes, some things are sad, yes some things in life are toxic, but only by being in the light can I deal with these effectively, accept the sad, avoid the toxic. I can see that it is my choice what I make of this. I can see and accept that there will be times when sad things happen but that I can respond positively towards that.
I looked down through my airplane window and saw little towns and little houses and in them were little people and if right now they were under a cloud, just a little distance away was a place bathed in warm sunshine. They could do a number of things. They could accept this and do nothing and in time they would be in sunshine again. They could accept the situation, act positively and move into sunshine. They could act negatively and move with the cloud and stay under it for ever, perversly always seeking the dark becuase they were unable to seek the light.
It was a very moving moment for me when I realised that all I need to do in my life
is walk towards the light.
I think for me that will be a new motto.
walk towards the light
Best wishes,
Mark aka Andrew

Me BS 48, WW 47 Three sons

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2006 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Andrew, I can see what you're saying. We get locked into depression when we try to change what can't be changed, the past, other people.


was depressed because I was trapped into a depressive way of thinking, a depressive way of dealing with life.

But I truly feel right now, that the revelation of the LTA and multiple affairs just snapped something in me, like a CVA, my world went black and when my eyes cleared, it was like I was seeing the world as it truly is instead of with the rose colored glasses I wore all those years.

My landscape is no longer sun-dappled and colorful. I see a husband who is festering with unresolved problems and his soul is ugly to behold. I see our marital history with 1/3 of it now in ashes, the foundation of the life we built teetering on 3 legs. This is the reality my husband apparently ALWAYS saw, we're finally on the same page.

I lived in denial, now I see reality. And that's actually good for me, I just haven't found a way to accept it yet.

Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have dealt with depression since I was a child. I remember at around 13/14 playing a "game", where I counted how many days in a row i thought about suicide. I never did it, just wanted to see how many days in a row that I "wanted" to. Although, even at that age I was wise enough to realize, that I didn't want my life to end, just wanted things to get better, and when you are dead, all hope is gone. A few years later I had a "breakthrough" of sorts (WICKED panic attacks) I was put on Xanax. They helped my anxiety (which I was later told was a symptom of my depression). Also close to this time, I had met my husband, and my alcoholic father was kicked out of the house. But my "anxiety" continued, until finally in 2001 I had a complete nervous breakdown. This put me on Paxil. That nervous breakdown was a Godsend. I had never felt better. For almost three whole years. Then my father was diagnosed with cancer (he had quit drinking and had become "daddy" again) It was the late fall when me and Mom were preparing for his last Christmas. Then suddenly she dropped dead from a heart attack. Up went the paxil and xanax dosages, but it didn't help. Then last year my mom's sister who was always a "second mom" (even moreso after mom was dead) got cancer and died. Up with the Paxil again. In there is also dealing with my EA, and problems I was having with my marriage after my parents deaths. Will I ever be depression free? I HIGHLY doubt it. I guess I just have to find a way to live wit it. And maybe switch meds if this last dosage increase doesn't help.

[This message edited by despairing at 7:14 AM, June 20th (Friday)]

"Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2007
all br0ken
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Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too struggle with depression. I was before the A and struggle even harder now with it. I did start taking meds for it. Cross your fingers I hope it helps. I guess thats why this hit me like a ton of bricks. I already feel worthless and rejected. I felt even more rejected after finding out. My biggest thing now is i don't want to lose him. He reassures me daily I wont. Im glad he didn't sleep with her but the way i feel he might as well of. It all hurts the same. When i get alone its when my mind goes crazy. Which often leads me to think about her and him. I just don't know what he saw in her. Am i really that bad? I know in my mind i am but damn i dunno. maybe i should sleep.

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it is sad thing to know that you become depressed after such an event...i am currently on anti-d's and while they take the edge off, one has to be real careful. I realized that while it helps a bit with the those feelings, of anxiety and such, it does not turn off those mental images-the movies. My best advice, best advice for those that are depressed and are considering to talk about it, sincerely, honestly, openly talk about it. I assure you it will be hell, and it will hurt to now end, but do not, do not let it fester inside of you. I know it is hard, and what a few of my life long friends and i are doing and have been doing is setting up an emergency friendship system, it is a very small handful of us, but we have known each other for yeeaaaarsss. Sadly, we have come to realize that we are at the point in our lives when it starts taking away instead of giving back...
i do send love to all of you, and i am sorry that you are going through this. it sucks, it really sucks but the sun comes up...

Nobody is a mind reader, and love is not just love.

Posts: 46 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Brooklyn
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Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't say that I would intentionally do something to myself but there have been thoughts as I was driving through an intersection that if someone runs a red light WTF, I don't care, let them hit me.

I think I do understand why someone would do something to themselves in order to get rid of the tremendous pain they are suffering with.

I am on Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Ativan and Ambien.

Sometimes I'm afraid that if I get pushed any further that I would just snap because I'm at the end of my rope with all of the stress of the A, my husband moving out, finances, etc.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
Me: BW: 49 He: WH: 45
Married 17 years, together 20
1 DD (15)
DDay: 02/24/08
H moved out 03/18/08
Accepted it's over an

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: TX
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Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will I ever be depression free?

Depression is kind of like cancer; if we're lucky, it goes into remission for months, years or even for the rest of our lives I do have to admit that after years of therapy, I have learned to manage it successfully without meds Did I consider going back to meds after Dday? I sure did but I tend to be more suicide proactive on meds so it didn't seem like a smart idea

Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3178 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
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Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD) shortly after my divorce in October of '06. While my entire family has depression or has a tendency toward it, I do honestly feel that my divorce and the entire situation with my XH started the ball 'rolling', so to speak. Because I've never known such pain in my life.

I'm on Paxil and Buspar - my anxiety on some days goes through the roof. I keep having thoughts about being alone - that I'm going to be alone forever, that I'm going to die alone, it's horrible. I've broken into tears just imagining dying in my house with no one finding me for months at a time.

(I'm sorry, I know that's VERY bad. But it's one of the things that scares me so, so much. I have no family left that I can really depend upon, and not many friends - I'm now isolated, thanks to this.)

There are only a very few people left that I can trust anymore, and I can count them on one hand. Before my XH's A, I trusted openly and wholeheartedly.

Today I hate him for taking that away from me...

XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
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Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am on Prozac and Clonopin (both doses were upped by my dr. after DDay). Can you believe, my husband and I have FOUGHT about me being on these? He thinks they are quick fixes. I say they keep me (semi) sane through this roller coaster after infidelity.

Me 28
WS 32
Married 4 years, together 6
No Kids
DDay 2/19/08, totally out of the blue
Trying to reconcile, I'm not sure yet... am I too young for this?!?

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jul 2008
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Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you believe, my husband and I have FOUGHT about me being on these?

Yep, I can believe you and your H fought about the meds.

My H was spectacularly unsupportive when I finally spoke up about wanting to seek help for life-long depression.

At some point, he did change his mind about ADs but he's never been able articulate to me what changed his mind.

He thinks they are quick fixes. I say they keep me (semi) sane through this roller coaster after infidelity.

He's wrong. You're right.

They take time to work and they do make a difference in how we cope with things. They take the edge off, they lessen the sense of being completely and utterly overwhelmed. They help us function normally.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
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