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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dealing With Depression
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am crying.

This is the third holiday season in a row he has brought me pain.

There is no "merry" or "happy" in Christmas and Holidays.


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((badlyhurting)))))

i am so sorry. are you spending the holiday with family or friends?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent it with my children and several family members. I am living with family, since my STBX/WS stopped paying out mortgage, the house is being foreclosed on, and the children and I are basically homeless.

It is like I am living in a nightmare.

Edited to removes several comments...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:43 AM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((badlyhurting)))))

do you have anyone irl you can talk to?

when are you supposed to do that phone counseling with the women's shelter?

stay strong. i know it's hard, but things will get better.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never got a call back...I will try calling again on Monday.

It hasn't helped up until now, though...

Edited...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:47 AM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to see a psychiatrist today, to get evaluated for depression, and he asked me a few standard questions, and wrote me a prescription for lexapro. I am hoping it will help.

I'm having a lot of extreme emotions and anger, and difficulty concentrating, sleep problems, etc.

I don't have a suicidal bone in my body; I've often told people that if they find me dead of apparent suicide, tell the cops I was definitely murdered.

But I do feel rather hopeless. I don't think there's any way to salvage this M, and my life is basically ruined. I had everything invested in my family, my kids, and all that stuff - so hard around Christmastime - because I can't envision family Christmas with my grandkids, or any of that, because I can't see myself staying with FWW. I hate her, I wish she'd just go away forever, or die.

And that's why I'm starting on AD's.

FWW has struggled with depression on and off her whole life - partially what led to her A's. When I first noticed it 13 years ago, I told her to get help; mainly because I didn't like how she was treating me. When she would share her sadness with me (very rarely), I would feel sorry for her, but I could not force her to get help. She refused. Later she went on Zoloft, but didn't get treated or evaluated for depression. (GP handed her "happy pills" to stop her complaining).

Lately, I'm not sure I give a crap about her problems anymore. She's got to take care of her own shit, and as long as she's a danger to me; well, I've got to take care of mine.

[This message edited by toonice at 6:56 PM, December 26th (Friday)]


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badly hurting, did you call again?

please update and let us know you're ok.

toonice, give the ad's a couple of weeks. if they don't help, they may not be right for you and you may need to try a different one.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Counselor never called back...I didn't call today. Will put it on my list of things to do tomorrow.

Called the courthouse, though, and found out STBX/WS lied yet again and didn't turn in the papers he said he did. (They are not in the file, as he said they were. Guess they could be somewhere in the courthouse, but I'm skeptical.)

I just feel like this H*** will never end...


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((badlyhurting)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, badlyhurting. I know what it feels like to have constant suicidal thoughts - I've had them on and off ever since this holiday seasom started, and I'm just praying for the last two days to be over with so that I can get back to ... well, what my "normality" is, which is running to therapy, then running to my pdoc for meds, then more doctor's appointments, more therapy, more meds, etc.

I've been so down the past month that I've considered ending it all, too. And I can't tell anyone, either, because I've been locked up in a ward before and if I even hint at how I'm feeling they'll lock me up again, I know it. People look at me differently once they find out I've been in a mental hospital, even for the brief 72 hours I was there. The stigma is alive and well...

How are you coping? Have you gotten any answer from the shelter? Are you on a time limit as far as where you're staying now?

Hang in there, I know it's hard, I really do. One thing that I'm very grateful for is that I still have a job right now, but that could change at any time and I know it. I've never been a religious person, but I'm starting to learn the meaning of the word prayer - believe me.

(((badlyhurting)))

ETA: Spelling errors fixed.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 12:32 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)]


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Sad & Alone
♂ Member
Member # 10183
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, December 31st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost all day, everyday, I just want to/wish to die.

I know the feeling... I don't have any words of comfort, only know you aren't alone in feeling that way...


We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, writer

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. - Robert Quillen, journalist


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Southern California
bbee
♀ Member
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that I actively wish it, it's just that I constantly think about it. Almost a fantasy, but not quite. Just a regular imagining, if that makes any sense.


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6623 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited...

[This message edited by badlyhurting at 5:33 PM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((hugs for all)))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
kman
♂ Member
Member # 9901
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pit

I have fallen into the pit. All black, with no hope, or joy, or hint of it ever ending.

I can't function.

There is only fear, anger, sadness.

I wish the pain would end.


Surviving it does not mean that it was ever ok.
D-Day 1: November 17, 2005
D-Day 2: January 20, 2006
Divorced December 1, 2009
Waiting period over March 1, 2010

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Feb 2006
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((kman)))))

there is always hope


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
jamesb
♂ New Member
Member # 22399
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had a good experience with antidepressants. Over a year after my wife's affair first came out, I was still hurting badly and visited my doctor.

He put me on citalopram 20mg, which was recently increased to 30mg around the time I found out that the affair was still going on.

I had a lot of side effects for the first few weeks, and some of them are still there (difficulty reaching orgasm, etc...) but overall they have really helped me.

I think one of the biggest helps for me has been trying to find my own identity again. I've started taking a 'confidence building and positive living' course, and I've been reading books on NLP and confidence.

My life has turned around a lot over recent weeks and I've started to reduce the dose of citalopram.

I'm feeling more positive than I have done in a long time.

I've realised that the choices are within me. Only I can bring myself out of this. Pills, therapists, etc... Yes, they're all helpful but I have realised that no one can do the work for me.

Take care
x


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2009
painfuldaysagain
♀ New Member
Member # 22650
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone else had problems with a major lack of appetite with the depression? I can't eat (have eaten hardly anything since D day a week ago) and have lost almost 10 pounds. I know I'm depressed, I'm trying to deal with that. But how do I deal with the fact that food makes me nauseous? Will that lighten as the depression does? Oh, someone please tell me this will lighten up somewhat.


Me - BS 47
Husband - WS 50
Together 28 years with 3 great kids - 23, 20 and 16
D-Day #1: 1/84, R-Day #1: 2/84
D-Day #2: 1/21/09, R-Day #2: 1/22/09 - ongoing

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Pacific Northwest
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, (((painfuldays))).

Hope you're still reading and with us.

As far as appetite loss goes, yes, I'd say it's pretty common on ADs. If you're not far out from D-day, that's also going to intensify. Make sure you're taking SOME kind of nourishment - even if it's just liquid-based like broth or Ensure shakes. When I have trouble eating - and I do, sometimes still - I make myself fruit and ice smoothies in a blender - I add protein powder to them so that I can get some benefits out of them, and the fruit intake helps. They're easy to swallow and they'll keep me going.

It is VERY IMPORTANT that you try to eat, even if it's just smoothies or soup for now. For me personally, I have very bad physical symptoms as well as mental, and not eating aggravates my condition - makes me feel that much worse - so even if I'm not hungry, I'll make a smoothie or something so that my body won't "turn" on me, so to speak.

A week from D-day is a VERY SHORT period of time, so this is very much normal right now - it's what some call "the infidelity diet" and it SUCKS, believe me. But it'll get better - promise. It might take some time, but it will get better.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 10:59 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: Double post. Ack, sorry.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 9:08 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
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