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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dealing With Depression
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i wish this thread had more traffic, since i know a lot of us are dealing with this, both bs and ws.

i'm struggling with it today. staying on the boards to stay connected with somebody.

unfortunately, i guess, i am a member of several threads in i can relate...

but those threads, this one especially, seem to be slow...

i know you are out there.

i know how hard it is...

please post.

we can be there for each other...



no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi its and ((((its)))
sorry you are feeling especially bad today. i'm there with you.

it's storming and i feel trapped and alone.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi, wh2m,

not glad you're in the same boat as me, but glad to see a familiar and friendly face.

we finally have some sun today after two days of rain/overcast/cloudy/stormy days. which is nice.

i'm in a good place...but in a bad place, if you kwim?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unfortunately, i totally kwum.

i think the most frustrating part of the rollercoaster (other than the betrayal itself) is that i don't feel in control of me.

i almost feel like i am setting my h up to fail, since he has already failed our marriage. he really is trying (to the best of his abilities), but i'm still looking for more.

i think because pre-ons, he wasn't putting me or us as a family first and so i'm looking for that extraordinary measure that says i'm worth it to him... idk... i guess i'm rambling... i'm tired of telling him though - at this point i'm just plain tired of all of it.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think the most frustrating part of the rollercoaster (other than the betrayal itself) is that i don't feel in control of me.

right there with you on that.

he is doing everything he can...i can't think of what else he could do. but sometimes it is just not enough. but that is because i don't have control of me.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should be talking here more. I'm trying to reduce my ADs because I think they're inflaming the anger. But doing that has made me sad, the depressive symptoms come back almost instantly. I'm bumping them up tomorrow.

There are many other factors contributing to the downward spiral, some I can control, others I can't and I'm losing my will to fight. I get up every morning, get dressed, look for work, do something constructive around the house, but it's never enough, never quite right and I want to give up.

But I fight it. I feel like I'm always at battle against the depression.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((weepy))))

have you talked to your dr. lately about your meds?

are you in ic?

take care.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree... this seems to be the slowest moving thread... and yet there's so many of us that seem to struggle with this horrible illness, whether temporarily or permanently...

I'm glad that someone's stopped in recently, though. Unfortunately I'm struggling again with MDD symptoms, and it's been... well, rocky is a good word for it. I was taken off of my Paxil last week and put on Wellbutrin and buspirone because it now looks like I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) as well... thanks, XH, you sonofabitch...

When you're taken off SSRI drugs, sometimes you go through 'discontinuation syndrome' where you feel mighty, mighty sick for a while.. and I think I'm having it. Can't sleep, I've been dizzy for over a week now, light-headed, nauseous..

Infidelity, the gift that just keeps on giving.

I hope everyone is safe tonight.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've talked with Dr. I cannot make myself go back on the SSRI or other ADs because of the side effects.

#1 the reduced sex drive. Massive trigger that I went on ADs right after discovering the first red flag which I let him gaslight me about. Probably dealing with depressing at that point. Dday with denial.

#2 I gained 40 lbs in the first year I was on Paxil. Again, another issue that he used to justify the As. I'd be more stressed out at every pound gained than the meds could handle.

No, I was fine on the 300mg Wellbutrin, but I wanted to see if reducing them would cut back on the anger response. Dr. agreed.

What I need is a medication that will block ALL feeling. I just want to be a stone like H and have nothing bother me.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't went down the med aisle yet.... I'm afraid to.

But also, the anger and lack of carpe diem is consuming me and I know I need to do something and soon.

This week, I'm going to try to get to the gym at least 4 times. If only for 30 minutes of cardio.

I'm hoping that by changing my behavior, I will feel better about myself and take back a little bit of control over me.

Hugs to all.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been struggling with depression since D Day almost four years ago. Finally saw a doctor. The AD's help, but they just mask the anger and pain.

I'm here for anyone wanting to chat.

Tried 5 meds over the past five weeks, finally taking the right one. I experienced serious side effects with the first four to the point where I was in bed for days.

Anyone can PM me. I'd enjoy having someone to speak with who is going through the same thing. This stinks.


Posts: 7270 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.

I'm a little better, though I've been put on ADDITIONAL meds - I was already on Wellbutrin and Buspar, now they've added Abilify AS WELL.

My God, I had no idea that this depression of mine was going to spiral down into the hell that it's become when all of the crap with my XH happened. I thought it was just something I could "get over", but.... meh, I see where that's gotten me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about him recently, too, which hasn't helped me much. I'm in IC as well as being on my meds and was gently told that "I have to deal with this at some point" - I don't know if that means she thinks I'm holding back or what. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just tired of talking, talking, talking, nothing changes. He still cheated on me, he still took my heart and stomped on it, he still has ruined my trust to the point where I trust no one at all - and I mean no one. What good does more talking do?

I know this post is full of pain... and I won't lie, I'm in pain tonight. But it's still better than what it was. I'm starting to feel human again.

How's everyone else doing? I worry about the folks on this thread, it's not as active as the others and there's so much pain here, it's palpable, I can feel it.

Please keep yourself safe tonight, no matter what it takes to do so.

((((())))))



XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Meadhbh
♀ Member
Member # 23087
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better living through chemistry is working for me. Under doctor's direction, of course. It has helped with the feeling that at any moment I might be struck by lightning.

I wish I was on the other side of this divorce business though! I do have some moment to moment anxiety. I hate disagreement and ugly moments; but I have to do what I have to do. I pray for strength daily. That helps too.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just an idiot in tin foil."

Posts: 1074 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Middle USA
sick_and_sad
♀ Member
Member # 22958
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's kind of funny (in that not really funny at all kind of way)... I've actually been LESS depressed since D-Day. Sad, yes. Angry, definitely.

But in MC it seems that she has been suffering for years because of my depression. Feeling like she needed to carry the optimism and enthusiasm for our entire family. And then just ran out of steam.

This, of course, doesn't mean the affair was okay. And she knows that on most levels.

But she doesn't trust me anymore. She doesn't trust that I will not drag her down with me.

The irony is that I'm on what appears to be a really good mix of drugs and feel "normal" for the first time in a long time. I was on Zoloft for eight of our eighteen years, and while I didn't feel hopeless or miserable, I was sort of emotionally unreachable. I also gained weight, which was really hard for me with my history of an eating disorder.

But now, a mix of low doses of Wellbutrin and Celexa seems to be doing the trick. I don't crave carbs, I cry and experience a full range of emotions (including desire!), and I don't feel hopeless.

But I feel like she will never see this.


Me 50
Twin boys 15
On our own since 5/21/2009


Posts: 506 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Minneapolis
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

better living through chemistry for me, too!

i also take a lose dose of wellbutrin and celexa combo. i was taking a full dose of wellbutrin before dday, dr. added celexa after because it just wasnt emough anymore. then we cut back my wellbutrin due to badly shaking hands, and the shaking has gone away, but my mood is still stable.

sick and sad, just wanted to say, gently, that it is her responsibility to keep you from dragging her down. it is your responsiblity to try not to, but ultimately she controls herself. i have no idea of how to get her to see that, though.

((((hugs for all))))

and, like someone else said earlier, please, anyone, feel free to pm me. i try to get on si at least once a day to check on everyone.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. The Abilify is making me quite sleepy, as well as nauseous. Bleh.

I think the worst part of having chronic depression is the trying of one AD after another. The doctor will prescribe Flavor A, that doesn't work, then he tries Flavor B... better but not enough so then he adds Flavor C, etc.

I call them "the drug rounds". I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it!

sick_and_sad, was your depression dx recent? I'm asking because if it's just been dx'ed and your wife's been living with this for a long time... well, it could be that she does feel a little hopeless. I find that those of us with depression (especially the permanent) often don't realize the toll it tends to take on not only ourselves, but our loved ones, too.

Your wife might benefit from this link:

http://www.hap.org/healthy_living/depression/dep_livingwith.php

She needs time, I think, and as much reassurance as you can give her.

It's been a bad week here, not only am I starting on a new med, but I just found out about another PA my XH had, so... I'm not doing well right now.

But I'm not giving up.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
omisery
♀ Member
Member # 22967
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post here in this thread. I can understand why this would be a slow thread, as depression makes us feel so isolated and lethargic at times.

I was fortunate to be on AD's before WH's mess came to light, and I've been working with my doctor almost every week over the past two painful months tweaking my medications, adding anti-anxiety and sleeping aids.

I don't know if it is helping. I guess partly you just have to feel some of this pain no matter what you take. I have good days, but mostly I can't hardly leave the house or care for my kids.

At least it has been over a week since I've wanted to kill myself!


Me: BW 40
Him: WH 45

Is this the end or did it just begin - Led Zeppelin


Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omisery, i can also see why this would be a slow thread.

i was on ad's already before dday, too.

went on an additional med after.

you know, as bad as my depression has been in the past, i have never, ever considered killing myself.

because i always knew how dramatically things could change.

until dday.

it still surprises me when i think about it--that i could actually be at the point where i think it can never get better.

but i got there.

fortunately, i am not there now.

hugs to all


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
kman
♂ Member
Member # 9901
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy, back home again. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I am sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day, and could stay in bed right around the clock, but am getting up because it's necessary.

I feel as if my stbxw is maniuplating the situation with the children. D3 is nearby (I don't know where Zona or D3 are) - since last night, and I'm penciled in for Monday evening - she goes back to school Tuesday.

I've had police at my place of work, and at my home - I have a bad history of being arrested without cause, and it's a hot-button with me.

I'm cutting out large sections of my friend lists, and my email contacts - I've been so pissed off that I'm afraid I will go off at a relative or mutual contact. I don't need any more opportunities to do or say stupid things in my rage.

I'm anxious as hell, and I don't think that new social situations are something I'm going to be very good at right now.

Zona is telling my family that I'm not well - a threat to myself, so I have to reassure them as well. My father made three phone calls to my girls in one day to try to be sure that I'm ok. My father has never made a phone call like this in my lifetime that I know of.

The therapist with whom I have made so much progress - changed my life really - can not work with me any more because he acted as a marriage counselor to us both, and it creates a built-in conflict. I need someone to speak to like I can't remember when, and the guy who I know can help can't help.

I live in hell. Hopefully the referral therapist will call on Monday. Hopefully my referral attorney will call on Monday as well. And today and tomorrow, I will hold on as tightly as I can.


Surviving it does not mean that it was ever ok.
D-Day 1: November 17, 2005
D-Day 2: January 20, 2006
Divorced December 1, 2009
Waiting period over March 1, 2010

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Feb 2006
tunatuna
♀ New Member
Member # 23474
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, April 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anybody have sleep problem?


me-BS 36
Him WS 43
M:9 years, together 13.
S 8, D 5.
DD 12/27/2008
EA, in R ?

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2009
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