Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: borderline85 (43161)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skippy,

I really feel your pain but unfortunately I cannot give you the answers you are looking for. I simply don't have them.

The hardest thing I ever learnt (thanks, Tore_up and wewillbeok) and the thing that finally gave me a little peace was it really had nothing to do with me.

I know you will also struggle BELIEVING this, and it will bring up more questions such as.."how could they not even think about me?" The bottom line is that it really isn't about you at all. You DIDN'T fail in anyway.

The more you believe it is not about you the more you can start to heal.

The people here at SI are truly a godsend and it helps to know that you are not alone in dealing with this.

I wish you well in your healing.

flipper

[This message edited by flipper at 7:22 AM, August 14th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
doubledaggerbf
♀ Member
Member # 14579
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with seeing EXBF/FOW in our neighborhood or in the community often. It triggers me and takes me back to the beginning of feeling scared and alone. I saw her today and for the first time it didn't bring back every old memory but it did hurt just knowing that she is still alive and breathing.

Since moving is not an option for me at this moment, does anyone have any suggestions on how they handled/handle crossing paths with FOP?


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 38
1 DD 2
DDay 1: 4/22/07
DDay 2: 5/16/07
False R
What if the hokey pokey is really what it is all about?

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2007
mtstar72
♂ Member
Member # 15585
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had a three-month long affair with MY BEST MAN from our WEDDING!!!

This asshole is in almost every picture in our wedding albums. The POS used to be my BEST FRIEND - wtf!? He's shown his true colors, the motherfucker.


ME 35
HER 24
1 Girl, 18 months

2nd OM was my former best friend and Best Man.

Divorcing.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: California
Skippy
Member
Member # 15387
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to burn my wedding pics too. It sucks. I spent thousands on those pics. I got this fancy photographer.

I am triggering all the time. I saw the OW my supposed BF today and feel nuts.


D-Day 6/1/07

Status: ?


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2007
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double, I am in the same boat as you. We have talked before. 10 months from d day and ex best friend still lives two doors down. I have had to look at her everyday for the last 4 months when the weather turned nice. I see her at school functions, neighborhood functions, everywhere.

After 10 months it still has not gotten easier for me. I can't stand it when she is out front the same time FWS is. He keeps his back turned and doesn't look at her, but I still am so uncomfortable.

For me it has not gotten any easier. I finally decided a month ago to sell my home. I just can't put myself through this anymore, not even for my boys. It is just too draining emotionally. I just want to move somewhere else and get a fresh start. I deserve better than to live this way. At this point I don't care at what cost it comes at.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
sandygirl01
♀ Member
Member # 15952
Concerned  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 27th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a best friend who was pregnant in the same time I was and our babies played together. She and I hung out almost every day since we were both SAHM's. I did a lot for her, helped her find coupons for formula, found her surveys and research studies she could get into for extra money (they were barely scraping by) and even baked for them.

We (DH and I ) brought them (she's married) to church around Christmas and they became members and enmeshed in every part of our lives.

I learned Aug. 16th that she and my husband had been living a double life for the last 2 months and were screwing twice a week. They did in in my kitchen, in my bed.... once at least while I was sleeping with my baby boy in our bed and they were out in the living room (I foolishly thought they could be left alone with each other), and once while her husband was cooking for them in the kitchen (I guess her husband thought the same thing).

The worst part is that I put the pieces together and I now know that she premeditated the first encounter. She begged and pleaded with my husband to come out with her when she wanted to out drinking with a friend and friend's boyfriend... she said that he would know how to get around town better and that he could be the designated driver. I begged and cried for him to stay with me and he still left. She had been crushing in him for a while at that point. Even my SIL who is still friends with her b/c she's trying to show her god's love says that yeah, she was probably trying to get him alone.

The double betrayl aspect is horrible. In the Aug. 16th hell I also found out that he had had two other sexual affairs while I was pregnant. But oddly enough those don't hurt half as bad as this one.

I will never be able to trust another female that isn't family... there are so many predators out there that hide under the guise of decent loving human beings. I found a song that helps me sometimes with the anger.... It's by Poe - Control.

Surprised you to find that I'm laughing?
You thought that you'd find me in tears
You thought I'd be crawling the walls
Like a tiny mosquito and trembling in fear

Well you may be king for the moment
But I am a queen understand
And I've got your pawns and your bishops
And castles
All inside the palm of my hand

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

This is beginning to feel good
Watching you squirm in your shoes
A small bead of sweat on your brow
And a growl in your belly your scared to let through

You thought you could keep me from loving
You thought you could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroying my life
What was half in me has become whole
While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

So this is how it feels
To breath in the summer air
The feel the sand between my toes
And love inside my ear
All those things that you taught me to fear
I've got them in my garden now
And your not welcome here

Come a little bit closer
Let me look at you
I gave you the benefit
Of the doubt it's true
But keep in mind my darling
Not every saint is a fool


Me - 26
Him - 24
Kids - 1 boy, 5 mo. old
OW#1 - 18 yr. old supposed family friend
OW#2 - 21 yr. old ex-co-worker
OW#3 - 21 yr. old, my best friend
D-Day - August 16, 2007

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Oregon
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 27th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sandy))

Welcome. I am sorry that you also find yourself in this group. One of the reasons I believe that double betrayal is so devastating is that you have 2 people who you trust and they are scheming TOGETHER against you. They are covering for each other and they know you trust them so they are able to get away with this awful behavior.

I now know that she premeditated the first encounter

Yeah, that hurts. A supposed friend who schemes to take your place in your M. With friends like that I don't need enemies!! The bottome line is that she was never really your friend. She took advantage of your kindness for selfish reasons.

((hugs))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17271 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double Betrayal sucks !!

It's my birthday today and I should be celebrating with my H and my family.

Instead I'm here

I used to love my birthday. The day when I felt special. The day when my home was filled with family celebrating with me.

That was before my H and SIL (slut in law) ruined everything.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

sorry....just needed to vent.


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
Skippy
Member
Member # 15387
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sandygirl,
I am sorry you are here also. It just hurts and sucks?
I have learned that I will have female friends but never leave them with my husband. I should not loose what I enjoy because my BF was actually a psycho who wanted my life.


D-Day 6/1/07

Status: ?


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2007
sweetgirl
Member
Member # 9928
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 30th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy belated birthday Flipper! Hope that you had a good day.

One of the reasons I believe that double betrayal is so devastating is that you have 2 people who you trust and they are scheming TOGETHER against you. They are covering for each other and they know you trust them so they are able to get away with this awful behavior.

Yes! It's horrible to have your spouse betray you with an anonymous person. But you are anonymous to them as well - there's no accountability, no loyalty, no honor. You're just an abstract concept.

OTOH, when the AP is a friend, then you have someone who is using their knowledge of you to gain inroads into your M. You are manipulated by them. Lied to by them. I have to think that there is a special place in hell for people who do this to their friends.


Posts: 631 | Registered: Mar 2006
Phew
♀ Member
Member # 16004
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am ashamed to admit that I had an affair with a friends H. I know what I did was wrong and I get to live with this for the rest of my life. Her H, unbeknown to me was an alcoholic and he had slept with over 30 woman (7 during their marriage). My friend used to phone my H in the middle of the night on various occassions when her H had got home drunk. She would always ask him for help. I thought it was a bit odd but hey she was a friend. Eventually she and my H said that I should spend one on one time with OM as he would listen to me. I felt a bit uncomfortable but they assured me that I could help him and perhaps get him to see the error of his ways and go and get help for his drinking. They said we had a connection. Note: I did not know how severe it was or his other problems. We started talking and e-mailing and sadly, when he started opening up to me, he also encouraged me to open up to him. He seemed to know me so well (behind the scenes he was getting information from my H, about what I liked, what I hated etc etc etc). To cut a long story short, I had had an argument with my H one night and my Dad had just died of cancer, and OM and I were out at a meeting - he grabbed me and kissed me, it was the most passionate kiss, I have ever experienced in my life and took me by complete suprise. Sure I felt guilty, but by now my "friend" was talking divorce and so I used this to justify what I had done. OM and I went on to have an A for 3 months and yes, stupid me, I gave up everything for him and his charming words, flattery etc. His W suspected us and phoned my H straight away, together they did what was necessary until we were caught. ANYWAY, I guess this whole thing has taught me never to say never. I never thought I would do this EVER, let alone to a friend. I hate myself for what I have done... sadly it has now come out that my H and OM's W have a "thing" going - an EA (my H has admitted to them kissing once) - WHO AM I TO STOP THEM??? I fell first..so while I love my H and want to try and salvage our marriage, I cant help feeling one and one does not add up.

Never-the-less, what I did was WRONG and through this post I realise the pain that the BS actually feel. I am really sorry for that pain.


Me: WW /BS
Him: BS/WH
Children: 3
Status: I am not sure - ask him!

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: South of North
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phew

Sorry, I don't have any answers for you.

I can't even begin to give you any advice. It's a tangled mess that will require a lot of work to get through.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
sandygirl01
♀ Member
Member # 15952
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Skippy. Yeah, the pain is almost unbearable sometimes. Maybe I will have female friends in the future, but I think I'm going to end up keeping seperate worlds if that happens... there's just no trust anymore in that area. :(


Me - 26
Him - 24
Kids - 1 boy, 5 mo. old
OW#1 - 18 yr. old supposed family friend
OW#2 - 21 yr. old ex-co-worker
OW#3 - 21 yr. old, my best friend
D-Day - August 16, 2007

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Oregon
nostalgia
♀ New Member
Member # 14058
What?  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should I care now? My Ex-live in bf of 4yrs and I have been broken up for 3yrs, but I recently found out he was cheating while we were together!! With my good friend!! They are now together in the open after 3 yrs. It's really weird situation. I don't know whether to be mad, hurt or happy for them. Can you have all those feelings at once?? I am engaged to a wonderful man. Which is why they probably felt like it's a good time to be open about it. So why does it even bother me? I feel betrayed even though we are not together anymore! I'm teetering back and forth about cutting them both out of my life for good or just let it be since they are happy together and I am happy too. Has anyone experienced this before?


I don't even know what to call it!

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Austin, TX.
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nostalgia,

Although you were betrayed 3 years ago, you have only just found out about it, the pain is new to you.

You will need time to process this. Now is not the time to make decisions. You will make them when you are ready. Don't be pressured to do it before you are ready.

I'm sorry for your pain.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
Sidney
♀ Member
Member # 16170
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here and was astounded to find this topic. I hate to be a part of this forum at all as I am sure we all do but especially this one. H and I are working on our marriage. Has anyone here asked the OP what on earth could have made them do this to you? I feel like all I got from the OP was lies and I would love to hear the truth as hurtful as it may be. Is this irrational? My H says his mind was messed up, blah, blah. I want real answers for what made this calculated event happen. I don't suppose I will ever have those, has anyone else ever gotten true successful answers on the lead up to the PA portion of things?


Me-39
WH-42
Two beautiful teenagers
R since D-day 7/22/07
Married 20 years

Posts: 60 | Registered: Sep 2007
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sidney,

It took me 4 months to get my H to give me the whole truth. The more sordid and ugly the truth, the longer it takes to come out in my opinion.

The SIL still denies anything happened, even after they were caught together. How stupid does she think I am?

My H tells me that he did it because he could. He thought I would never find out about it. He had no feelings for her at all, never has.

He said it was easy because she (along with my B and their kids) were living with us. He said he didn't have to go looking for it, it was under his nose.

So much pain caused for something that meant nothing to him. That adds to the pain for me.

Like you, I would have sworn that my H would NEVER cheat on me.

My H is extremely remorseful and heartbroken over what he has done to me and my family. We have both gone to IC and MC. I think that has helped him to understand the extent of the damage. He knows that everyday I stay is huge because our future together is not a "given" anymore.

I still feel the pain each and every day. I hope one day I will be able to move past it but I still don't know if I can.

I'm sorry I can't help you with the answers that you are looking for but just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is normal.

Look after yourself.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
LilyL
♀ New Member
Member # 16111
What?  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, much to my sadness I find myself in these shoes too. My stbx husband had to get a job working away from home. I thought we were lucky because he started working in a city where we had family friends. The woman he is having an affair with is someone we have known for 23 or so years. Her first husband was a friend of my husbands that he had known since Jr. high school. I helped her with her first wedding. We all lived in the same city when we were younger. Eventually my husband and I moved away. They also moved back to the state that she was from. We have kept in touch thoughout the years. We loaned them money when she was pregnant and couldn't work. We had our first babies 3 months apart and we visited her and the baby in the hospital. After they moved back to her state her first husband had an affair and she kicked him to the curb in a second flat. We went to see her and offered our support. She remarried a few years later. We have been to see her and her family (we stayed in their home) and she and her family have stayed in our home for visits as well. The last time I saw her I made the mistake of taking her into my confidence about how much difficulty we were having with our marriage. Well, come to find out about 2 months later they were sneaking around together. I just found out about this 3 weeks ago, about 3 years into their affair. I had already filed for divorce back in Dec. '06 due to his abusive behavior towards me. I just wish I had not trusted her. Now in hindsight I look back over the years and see how she tried to cause problems between my husband and myself many times. The difference this time is she approached his side. In the past she always tried to pit me against him. The thing that really freaks me out about this is that my husband and I used to laugh at the way she was always trying to "keep up with the Jones" (us) and doing everything we did. We moved to a better apartment, they moved to a better apartment. We told her we were having a baby, she was pregnant 3 months later. We moved, they moved. We got a dog, she got a dog. Now I see that she didn't want to keep up with me, she wanted to be me. Well, I hope she reaps the benefits that come with her destroying my marriage and hers to get my life. The only things I know she will get for sure are-very little of our money, 3 boys that will hate her til the day she dies, an abusive man, an alcoholic man, a man that cheats on his wife, a man that steals from his family. Now you can see that the life of mine that she should really want is the one I have now without that piece of shit man in it!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: San Jose CA
nostalgia
♀ New Member
Member # 14058
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, September 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Flipper. I don't feel like talking to either one of them right now. And I'm afraid of what may come out of my mouth if I do.


I don't even know what to call it!

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Austin, TX.
doubledaggerbf
♀ Member
Member # 14579
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sidney and welcome to the site no one wants to find themself at.
My FWS and my EXBF of 17 years had a EA which lead to a PA. She (EXBF) showed up at my house on Saturday at 3am to "warn" me about my husband's behavior. She is crazy.
For months I have toyed with the idea of calling her up to schedule a meeting with her to hear her side of the story and to see if what my FWS is telling me is true. I have new insight...
I am glad I never acted on my desire to do this because it would not have given me the answers I have been looking for. What I have discovered is that both of the affair partners have their own version of the events of the A and the bottom line is that they cheated on us and we are dealing with it.
I have realized that she is not going to give me truthful answers to the questions I have and I have already caught her in so many lies and made up stories that I question everything she has ever said to me.
I will say that the best thing I did was to completely cut her out of my life and go completely NC with her or her family. I believe my choice to not see her or talk to her is killing her and she wants the interaction with me even if it's negative. I'm not giving it to her and may need to get a RO at this point.
Don't bother trying to get the truth or answers from the other piece of the triangle, they were selfish enough to lie to you to begin with do you really think you are going to get the information you are looking for now. Save yourself the heartache and focus your attention on your M and R if that is where you are at and try to remove the POS from your life in everyway possible.
Best of luck
DDBF


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 38
1 DD 2
DDay 1: 4/22/07
DDay 2: 5/16/07
False R
What if the hokey pokey is really what it is all about?

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2007
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.