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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is similar to flipper's. We were trying to help a family member. She came into my house and had a different agenda. Read my profile for details.

I hate her more than I hate X. Perhaps because I never loved her. Perhaps because she lied to me virtually from the day she moved in. Perhaps because she pretended to me my friend and even tried to offer "advice" on out M -- all the while boinking my H. Perhaps because she never gave me a valid apology. Perhaps because she refused to leave our life after I (and I thought we) specifically asked her to leave.

Or perhaps because she has a hold on him that broke my hold on him. Perhaps because he chose her over me (even though he still wants us both )

Perhaps because X does not understand why SHE is willing to share but I am not

Or perhaps I just beleive she is a 2 faced lying bitch. A-whore


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17291 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat,

It's a bitter pill to swallow when somebody you are trying to help does this to you.

[This message edited by flipper at 7:55 AM, April 27th (Monday)]


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
UKmum
♀ Member
Member # 12696
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
I posted on the other thread in general about this. You can read my story on my profile. I am still struggling with this to be honest. I'm only 6 months out from D Day and had actually only been friends with OW for a year but it was quite an intense friendship where we were in touch every day. I thought I'd made a really close friend and thought we were supporting each other. She was a very damaged person possibly even sociopathic I realise now. At first I couldn't accept that the friendship had all been a lie but slowly over the last month I'm realising it probably was even though in the few conversations we had after D day she insisted she was my friend and that the last year had been one of her best years (yeh right!!). There are no answers she can give me now and I won't risk my reconcilliation or my own mental health by contacting her because she has so much anger towards WH and also it would seem to myself that any remorse she would show would then be ruined by a comment I'm sure she would make that would upset me. We live in a small village and our kids are at the same school so I do still have to see her which is very hard but its getting easier. In another 6 months I'll have had no contact for as long as I was friends with her so I'm hoping eventually she will just fade to a bad memory. I can see that now the friendship was toxic..we were very close and I started to shut my husband out as I'd rather talk to her about everything (little did I know of course that he was doing the same thing and she was sharing things I'd said)...that was how she made me feel, that I could talk to her and gain support. She seemed so kind. She would text me a great deal when she was down and I'd always try and support her. She would be telling my husband that I was pestering her and was obsessed. This really worried me after d day. I questioned all my other friends as I was worried they saw me the same way. I wondered if I'd be beter off without friends and keeping everything to myself. It's so hard to trust anyone. I was very naive...didn't think people like her existed

me: BS - 36 2 sons ages 18mths and 6yrs
him:WS - 33
together 14 years, married 7 years
OW - 36 single mum-3 kids (best friend!?)
A - mar/apr 06 -EA & PA
D-Day - 14 oct 2006

[This message edited by UKmum at 8:43 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]


me: BS - 37
2 sons ages 7yrs and 2.5yrs
him:WS - 33
together 15 years, married 8 years
OW - 38 single mum-3 kids (close friend!?)
A - mar/apr 06 -EA & PA
D-Day - 14 oct 2006


Posts: 100 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: UK
girlalmostgone
♀ Member
Member # 4867
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me.. I fall into this group.

We are almost 3 years out, and our marriage is really good now.

However, sometimes the aftermath caused by him and the ex blankity blank best friends still kinda wind me.

And I have alot of confidance that if he ever loses his mind again, and tries this again, they would 1) laugh at him 2) kick his ass and 3) call me within seconds.

Not all friends will ever do this, (my friends that I have known prior to this), but I hate to admit, I do have a teeny tiny small monster lurking in my head, wondering about new friends.

I am totally aware that is my hang up, and thanfully that teeny tiny monster grows smaller every day.


Love is no assignment for cowards. Ovid

I just really feel like I am a hamster running on the wheel.. and I am ready to get off the wheel, and try running around in the hamster ball.. kinda like a free range chicken.


Posts: 37201 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Texas
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although it is said, it is nice to know that there are others in a similar situation.

OW lives two doors down. I relocated and she was my savior. She told me where things were, which doctors to take my kids too. Our husbands work at the same company. The four of us became best of friends. Our kids all played together.

We took vacations together, got together every weekend. Sat outside in the summer on the nice days and just enjoyed each others company.

Then one day the rug was pulled out from under me. My spouse had a 10 month EA/PA with my friend. She wanted him to leave me for her. He ran the other way.

Everything has changed now. Not only have I lost many things from my spouses betrayal, but also my friends betrayal.

I am no longer as comfortable where I live, but I cannot seem to get myself to move. I have done nothing, why should I have to uproot my life and my kids lives just to I don't have to see her.

She has never contacted me except for one text page saying she was sorry and how I would never understand her pain because of the pain I feel. Back to it being all about her again.

I was desperate for closure.
Just last week I wrote her a closure letter and placed it in her mailbox. I text paged her and told her it was in there, and the choice was hers whether to read it or not. I don't know if she did, nor do I care. I said what I had to say and as far as I am concerned she no longer exists.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((UKMum))) So sorry you have to be here and believe me we all know what it feels like to have two people who we trusted so much betray us. I do believe that these OW try to get closer to us during their A with our WH's so that they can get first-hand information about our M. The OW in my case actually called me several weeks before d-day saying how upset she was that so many marriages seemed to be in trouble. Now I'm sure she was waiting for me to spill my guts about my M but, fool that I was, I thought my M was great. It is positively evil and it really does affect our ability to trust others in the future. I think we will all be extremely cautious in relationships, with men and women, for a long time. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Being naive and trusting can be very dangerous in a world where there are malicious, selfish people waiting to pounce on us. Take care, UK.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has never contacted me except for one text page saying she was sorry and how I would never understand her pain because of the pain I feel. Back to it being all about her again.

Oh give me a break! Before I left, my X's mistress went aroudn telling mutual friends what a bitch I was for not agreeing to an open marriage.

After I left she claimed to be sad that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. She of course, never apologized to me. It was all about 'winning' the approval of others.

I guess maybe I let her win. I went NC with all mutual friends who still speak to her. Sorry, I only want loyal friends in my life.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only want loyal friends in my life.
Amen to that DCK!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
cheerleader
Member
Member # 3246
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i reckon i belong here...sad but true...ive moved forward...not real concerned about what she doing...kd has been a huge supposrt to me o this issue...you folks ahve been advice from th master


Well f@#$ me running, sometimes it isnt worth the effort to chew thru the restraints!
Where the is hope there is love.Where there is love there is life.Life is for living


Posts: 29038 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: we are never really sure are we?
jimi
♂ Member
Member # 13776
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes im part of this club,,wife had 9 month A with my supposed best friend, who needs enemies when you got friends eh


me BS
her FWW
D day 14/2/07
in R
me 46
her 46

Posts: 375 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: liverpool uk
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what chaps my hide is the fact that if you can't trust your spouse or your friend, who the heck can you trust?


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez, another club to join.

My FWH had a 2+ year A with my supposed best friend (and his coworker). Know what's sad? I spent more money on her than he did. When I knew her family was having financial troubles, I had them all over for dinner repeatedly, I bought her kids diapers and formula, I even bought her FLOWERS for HER birthday! And she settled for being a once a week fuck at lunch time with the occasional "working late at the office" fuck. And big score if I left town for a few days.

She used to talk to me about her marriage problems and how she always felt second best behind her husband's hobbies. Well, knowing she was in love with my H for 2+ years, I'm sure she wasn't investing anything in her marriage herself.


FWH is remorseful, knows he didn't love her as more than a friend, but still doesn't understand why I don't automatically trust him because "he's telling me the truth now".

I honestly don't have one important memory or picture during the time of their A when she isn't there. My kids loved her and her family, she was the first to know when I had my "oops" pregnancy, she just was always there.

How are we expected to rebound from these kinds of betrayals?


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The part I struggle with is how did they both look me in the eye day after day, when that day they had met for lunch and screwed each other. How do people do that?


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS- K9, that is a great story! You should be proud of your daughter!


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
SoHappy2BMe
♀ Member
Member # 13653
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have been dogged by the double betrayal. wh has taken off with my best friend.

I've always had a hard time with female relationships ~ seems like I've been burned by every female friend I've had. It had been years since I put myself out there with another female and I had done just that with ow. We had built a good friendship and were getting deep and I really loved and cared for her when I found the two of them in bed together.

This has rocked my world. It has shaken the trust in every relationship I have (including my family). I don't know who to trust anymore. I question everything people say to me. I wonder what people's motives are (especially right now when so many people seem to want to help me). I find this so very sad. Genuine, honest people who just want to help me and I'm questioning them b/c of what wh and ow did.


*Recovering* *Healing* *Divorcing*

"I did the best I could with what I knew...And when I knew better, I did better!" ~ Maya Angelou
In other words...I know what you've been up to all this time now get the hell out of here!!


Posts: 293 | Registered: Feb 2007
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The part I struggle with is how did they both look me in the eye day after day, when that day they had met for lunch and screwed each other. How do people do that?

Oh wow, fsd! You nailed it there completely. How do you do that?


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
SoHappy2BMe
♀ Member
Member # 13653
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The part I struggle with is how did they both look me in the eye day after day, when that day they had met for lunch and screwed each other. How do people do that?

I struggle with this too. This is probably one of my biggest challenges. Most of the movies that keep replaying revolve around this. It takes a 'special' kind of person to do that I think. I couldn't do it.


*Recovering* *Healing* *Divorcing*

"I did the best I could with what I knew...And when I knew better, I did better!" ~ Maya Angelou
In other words...I know what you've been up to all this time now get the hell out of here!!


Posts: 293 | Registered: Feb 2007
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggled with exactly the same thing for a very long time.

Its hard to reconcile how the two people who are supposed to be the closest to you can do this.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
StarGazer
♀ Member
Member # 7575
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about that every day. Especially about the first time they had sex and then came to my house after work to hang out.

OW kept acting uncomfortable every time she sat down. I remember asking her what was wrong and she said something about pulling a muscle or something. I remember my H making a weird face, sort of like a smirk. Come to find out she had told my H he was so much bigger than her boyfriend/fiance and they had had sex for so long (about 45 - 60 min) that he had made her sore.


BS(me): 33
WH(him): 33
Married 12 years, together 15 years
Four children: 5, 7, 10, and 12
D-Day: 5/29/05 (going on from 2/05 - 6/05)
Had an affair with a co-worker, he left, but now he is back and we are R

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Maine
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK everyone...wewillbeok is a fellow SI'er that had an affair with her BIL.

She has offered to help us and answer our questions. But we MUST understand that she is not here to be flamed, beat-up on, or become the focus of our hurt and anger.

She is remorseful and is in R with her BS (who is also a fellow SIer). Guy's, we have an opportunity to ask questions and try to heal ourselves. Can we offer her the respect she deserves for a) Being a fellow SIer b) being so brave as so offer to help us, and c) having the strength to stay with her BS and help him heal.

I will be gone for two days so will be off the boards. I have asked her to lurk here and if it looks like we are willing and able to treat her with respect and empathy then she will announce herself.

Guys...we have a golden opportunity here. Let's not blow it. Perhaps if we treat her right, she can lead others here to help us also.

Thanks a million.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

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