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User Topic: Double Betrayal
sandygirl01
♀ Member
Member # 15952
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mdsjmom98- at least your friends had the decency to give you a heads up. My SIL and her husband knew for a month or so beforehand and sat on the knowledge. THAT burns a lot.


Me - 26
Him - 24
Kids - 1 boy, 5 mo. old
OW#1 - 18 yr. old supposed family friend
OW#2 - 21 yr. old ex-co-worker
OW#3 - 21 yr. old, my best friend
D-Day - August 16, 2007

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Oregon
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Do you feel like you paid for whore services?

Oh yes!! Especially when her father called ME and asked me to give her money. I guess she felt she deserved it for services rendered


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17284 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
mdsjmom98
♀ Member
Member # 4931
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I was lucky to have one friend that was honest enough to confront me. I so wish I had listened. The rest of the people that witnessed some action said they felt at the time that they were "seeing" things. My sister and her H said they left our house once scratching their heads saying, 'what the hell was all that?' Yet neither one of them said anything to me. My other niece (sis's daughter) made the comment that OW was "dressed like a whore" Still no one said anything.
Dreamboat- WTF?? Her DAD?? Eww. Does he have any idea what his wonderful little girl was DOING for the money he asked for? That's just wrong.


Him - WH - 45
Me - BS - 44
OW - my niece - 38
Married 24 years
2 kids (boys) 13, 21
Reconciling 7 years

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.


Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Illinois
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mdsjmom98

Flipper: Do you feel like you paid for whore services? In my case that was one expensive whore, and according to H, NOT worth it!!

Absolutely !!!

She cost me a fortune in the year she lived in with us. I spent more money on her than I did on myself. I wanted her to enjoy her new life (of course, my B & thier kids too)

For her birthday I arranged a party, decorated the house, got a load of seafood - all on top of her present. The sad thing is that I really enjoyed doing all this and never realised the price I would ultimately pay.

It's not the money, it's the fact that she took all those things from me while betraying me.

I really think she wanted my life, my husband, my job and my bank account. For some sick reason she thought she was entitled to it.

It's sad that she didn't see what was right under her nose. Her H (my B) is a much better man than my H. He would never even think about cheating on her.

I still wonder how she can live with herself after all she's done to me.

One thing I'm grateful for is that it hasn't affected my relationship with my B and their kids. It's her that misses out on the fun we have. She has to listen to them rave about all the fun they have at Aunty flipper's, while she knows she's not welcome here.

I guess, in the end, she has lost a lot more than I have. She's lost her support system and her social life is zero now. All the friends she made were my friends and she knows better than to try and see them.

I'd love to know if she thinks it was all worth it.

My H still apologies every single day and has done a lot of work on himself through counselling. I wonder what she's done - but I won't ask my B. That's thier business and not mine.


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
UKmum
♀ Member
Member # 12696
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My God...It's scary to think there are so many women like this! It was me who gave my husband the OW's (former best friend)phone number...she was on her own and I would suggest he did jobs for her like fixing her garage door, installing her broadband,moving furniture etc. I would get her shopping for her, babysit her kids,clean her house while she was on holiday and I did all her fucking ironing! It was me who found a text on my husbands mobile from her saying "you had beter delete that one as well!" and then called her asking what the fuck was going on. At that stage nothing was going on and I believed her as she stood in front of me in tears saying that he had been texting her in the pub and he was drunk and the texts were a bit suggestive,,,she said she found it funny at first then awkward but didn't want to offend him! She said she was so sorry bla blah..I then gave WH a bollocking and told him to go and see her an apologise! what a fucking idiot! he did do that,but it was then that they decided to take it to the next level and have sex! nice!
what a mug!

me: BS - 36 2 sons ages 18mths and 6yrs
him:WS - 33
together 14 years, married 7 years
OW - 36 single mum-3 kids (close friend!?)
A - mar/apr 06 -EA & PA
D-Day - 14 oct 2006

[This message edited by UKmum at 10:26 AM, September 21st (Friday)]


me: BS - 37
2 sons ages 7yrs and 2.5yrs
him:WS - 33
together 15 years, married 8 years
OW - 38 single mum-3 kids (close friend!?)
A - mar/apr 06 -EA & PA
D-Day - 14 oct 2006


Posts: 100 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: UK
wildturkey
♂ Member
Member # 13629
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi people:

I'm in the same boat as you, however, I'm the BH.

My FWW's OM began by being our contractor on various jobs, then befriended the family. Eventually, he began spending the weekend at the lake with us, playing with the kids, etc. He approached me for a loan to expand his business, which I gave him off of our line of credit - $100,000.

Turns out that all this time he was screwing my FWW. (I wondered why she was so supportive of us giving him the loan)

It leaves me wondering, what more could he have taken from me if I didn't discover the A.

Let's face it, some people are simply evil, and have no conscience.


Me - BS
Her - WS
married 20 yrs


I'd like to believe in the healing hands of time
but the truth is I really can't say,
if I'm getting better,
or just used to the pain.

Tracy Lawrence


Posts: 512 | Registered: Feb 2007
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Dreamboat- WTF?? Her DAD?? Eww. Does he have any idea what his wonderful little girl was DOING for the money he asked for? That's just wrong.

Well, after THAT I wrote him a letter telling him EXACTLY what his little whore was up to!! And boy-o was X and OW pissed!

The thing is, she gave X a bunch of money but I did not know about it until long after d-day. So her dad wanted THAT money back, except I had no clue. She was supposedly broke, destitute, with no way to care for her children. Come to find out that she owns her house (no mortgage) and is NOT destitute.

whatever


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17284 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


She cost me a fortune in the year she lived in with us. I spent more money on her than I did on myself. I wanted her to enjoy her new life (of course, my B & thier kids too)

For her birthday I arranged a party, decorated the house, got a load of seafood - all on top of her present. The sad thing is that I really enjoyed doing all this and never realised the price I would ultimately pay.

It's not the money, it's the fact that she took all those things from me while betraying me.

I could have written that...


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17284 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Pennico
♀ Member
Member # 10724
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All,

I haven't been around for a while. My story is the same as all of yours. My FWH and next door neighbor and former very close friend had a PA for two years. D-day was April of 2006. She still lives across the street. The summer was a little tough, since all the kids are out playing, families are chatting together, gardening outside, etc.

I can't believe the progress I have made this past year. My FWH is fully committed to R but has these huge boughts of guilt (very appropriate) but sometimes this gets in the way of moving forward. When I see the c*nt, I simply turn my head. I have finally been able to master removing her from my brain. I'm not sure if I'm tricking myself, but it seems to work. This wasn't the case 6 months ago.

A dear friend who know about my situation can't believe that I can still live across the street from the FOW, but I didn't want to give up my childhood home, my community that is so important to me. I didn't want to "run" away. I have come to believe that it is really difficult for HER to see me succeed. I have the man she so desparately wanted. She was ready to give up her family for him. Yikes, what a fruitcake.

I take things day by day. Some days are better than others. It isn't 100% but it has become a "new normal". Wishing everyone well, here. Time does heal. I need more time, though.

Penn


BS - 50
FWH - 50
D-Day - 4/9/06 (with next-door neighbor/friend)
Married 18 years
2 girls (16 & 13)
Update 8-26-11 . . She MOVED!

Healed after five years and with God's Grace.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2006 | From: West Coast
mdsjmom98
♀ Member
Member # 4931
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We took her and her kids on a vacation to Six Flags, and stayed in a campground. Her oldest boy went around and stole ALL the padlocks off anything he could (about 12 or more) just to "show off." She did absolutely nothign to punish him. Her youngest son kept telling my youngest son (who was 4 at the time) that the trip was stupid, and he hated it. I told him to stop trying to ruin it for my son, and she said "he isn't ruining it for him." I should've sent the bitch and her monsters packing right then. That night was the first time they screwed, and it was in the middle of the parking lot. She bent over like some back alley whore and took it like a dog.
I'll never understand it, but pray someday I will get past it.


Him - WH - 45
Me - BS - 44
OW - my niece - 38
Married 24 years
2 kids (boys) 13, 21
Reconciling 7 years

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.


Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Illinois
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending out huge hugs to all my friends in this situation.

((((()))))


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
jolivar1
♂ New Member
Member # 9616
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im in just about the same boat. the A was with my then 19yo brother.. and it gets better it still continues along with her hooking up with other people.. and i have yet to get an "Im sorry" from my brother.. he just spoke to me today and he was talking more about how little time he gets to spend with 'MY F>>> FAMILY" i want my family back and i keep getting im just not ready to come back to the marriage.. WTF


dated since 95
married 00
2children 8&5
Dday 1/6/06

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: MD
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((jolivar))

You own brother??!!

It has been 18 months since your dday. 2 years since the A started. If your WW still does not know if she wants the M then she will never know.

Both your WW and bro seem like they are very immature (like jr high school!). From this one post and your short profile, it seems to me that both of them are singing "Me me me me me me me", while you struggle with this.

I cannot imagine the hell you are living right now. How are YOU doing? How are your kids doing?

Take care of yourself!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17284 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
jolivar1
♂ New Member
Member # 9616
Frustrated  Posted: 12:59 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well lets just say its going.. I continue to go to counseling all the while trying to get my life back.. as for my children i get them when i can and we try to have fun.. i call but more times then none she will not answer.. so i end up leaving a message.. oh but i get called when she needs something.. as for the "me" comments he attempted to talk to me and i asked him to leave the picture and let us work on our problems and he said nothing... .. i mean what gives.. im stuck with nothing to do but watch it all happen..


dated since 95
married 00
2children 8&5
Dday 1/6/06

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: MD
shebop
Member
Member # 12669
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

looking for suggestions on being able to let go of the betrayal that the friend committed. H had ea with bf(our friendship only becameclose within a yr) h and I went to mc and have totally reconciled. We are amazingly getting along. My problem is bf seemed to be reomorseful at first but I think my h and i were used big time by her and that she may even have been bitter because our reconcilation was immediate. Meaning when dday happened we were in mc within 48 hrs and did not let each other go!!! Our eyes were really opened. On top of that, part of my healing was working out,and I can tell you I am in the best shape ever and am complimented on it daily.(she did lose a few pds but has quite a way to go to be where I am at) She has had temper outbursts at me in places where there has been just the two of us(gym, parking lot)(as we live in a very small town. I think she has some type of personality disorder. Has anyone dealt with the tables being turned and it seems the former bf is now jealous of what you have?? And how do you stop hating this person. I mean I have never hated someone like I do her. It cannot be good for a persons insides. Has anyone gone to see a c for the betrayal of the friend.??

Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2006
Ivette
♀ Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me join in the funny thing it's coming out know.

My stepfather daughter had an affair with my stbxh years ago. But it's coming to the light know. She's living with my mom and stepfather.

She's acting so innocent like she didn't have anything to do with it.

It burns me up I'm trying to deal with it know. It's easier in a way because I've been seperated from stbxh for 4 yrs but she disrespected me and know she's acting miss innocent.


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to see my SIL today for the first time since I have know the full story.

eta: First time seeing her without my brother present.

My nieces want to spend the afternoon with me and my brother usually drops them off but he can't today.

I know there will be no nasty exchange as the kids will be around but I'm not sure how to handle it.

My stomach is in knots but seeing my beautiful nieces will make it worthwhile.

[This message edited by flipper at 6:35 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
slipperyslope123
♀ New Member
Member # 16494
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question that I haven't seen posted. My WS paid my 22 year old daughter to pose for pictures for him. She went along with him because he told her that if she didn't want to, he would just find someone else. She felt that if she didn't that it would break up our family and she knew how happy I was. I just found out about this and finally got the truth that it progressed from pictures to touching to oral sex, no intercourse, she stopped it at that point. She finally told him to leave her alone and he did but to get away from him, she joined the army and had a nervous breakdown. They let her out on the basis that she joined under false pretenses (to escape her abuser).

He has since been diagnosed as a sex addict. She has forgiven him but I am really struggling with what to do.
I can't believe that this has happened and I am sick to my stomach all the time. My daughter says that she doesn't care if I stay with him as long as he gets treatment. I don't know if I can forgive him.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: California
this is heaven
♀ Member
Member # 14240
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg, how awful!!

please repost this in just found out, you'll get much more attention.

how is your daughter now?
how are you?

my heart goes out to you!


Posts: 919 | Registered: Apr 2007
mtstar72
♂ Member
Member # 15585
Question  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,

Some of you may know parts of my story. I've been posting mostly in General about my experience, but I wanted to get in on this thread too. I definitely belong here.

My STBXW had a three-month affair with my best friend. Well, the guy who I thought was my best friend, anyway.

This guy was my Best Man at our wedding.

He's in at least half the ceremony and reception pictures in our wedding albums.

I really struggle with this aspect of things. I had been really close with this guy. We used to hang out together all the time - not so much in the past year or so because he had moved about an hour away so I had less opportunity to see him. But we used to chill out together and play video games, or go for nature hikes, or whatever. I really felt like I had a close male friend and I don't have too many of those. In fact I had wanted to make this guy and his girlfriend the Godparents to our baby. My wife decided to choose another pair of friends (older and more responsible) for that role, and as it turns out I'm glad for that at least.

My STBXW had previously had a ONS with a guy I didn't know some months previously. She came home after the ONS and confessed to me. I went through pure hell -- our baby was only 7 months old when she had her first A. The usual shock and awe phase of Dday following by a lot of crying and yelling from both of us. And we tried to R, or at least I thought we were. We went out of town about a week after Dday and spent several nights at a very expensive bed-and-breakfast out in the middle of nowhere on the coast. We did the HB (Hysterical Bonding) thing the entire time and I thought we had a chance at least to make it through.

However it was only about 3 months later when STBXW began an EA with my best friend. I think it took them about a month for it progress to full-blown PA and that lasted for approximately three months until I got really suspicious and started digging. I busted her because of her heavy use of text messages to and from him. Of course she denied that there was anything physical going on between them. That they were "just friends". And I wanted really hard to believe that. In fact I did believe it until I happened to find her journal (which she left in a VERY easy place for me to find, it was not even hidden from plain view in our bedroom).

In this journal, all the pages except the last two pages had been torn out. On these last two pages she describes how she has been having and affair with my best friend for the last three months. She refers to herself as his "other woman". She talks about how much she loves it when he fucks her. How hard and deep he fucks her. How she "knows he understands me" when he looks into her eyes. How she wished she hadn't married me and had a baby so she would have more options for leaving me. All kinds of horrible things that simply devastated me.

When I attempted to confront my former friend he became incredibly hostile and basically said, "Don't ever try to contact me again, motherfucker, or things will get very bad for you."

I tried to get her to agree to NC with him after Dday #2, and she did ostensibly agree. However it only took her 48 hours to set up a new secret account and begin emailing him again. I had a keylogger installed by then so I was able to detect this and I eventually busted her again. At this point things were really going downhill between us and we separated. I still hoped then we would get back together and work things out. It hasn't turned out to be that way, she filed for divorce about a month ago. I think she finally filed because I compelled her to contact the OM's girlfriend and tell her the truth too. (Another level of betrayal: The OM's GF and my STBXW had been close friends since they were small children.)

Unlike the ONS she had, which she confessed to and at first at least seemed genuinely remorseful, the A with my former best friend was done with great malice and contempt for me. She had to lie to me constantly, and she used other people unwittingly to allow her to carry out the A. For example, my dad had been watching the baby one day a week, on Tuesdays, to give STBXW a "day off" from being a SAHM. And Tuesdays, of course, became "their" day. The OM would drive into our town and (supposedly according to STBXW) take her to hotels. She swears she never had him at our house but I have a hard time believing this.

She admitted to me that there were times when I would call her on Tuesdays and she would be with him (at a hotel I guess) and she would keep him quiet while she played innocent with me and acted all falsely sweet. The whole thing is incredibly stomach-turning.

There's of course more to all of this that has to do with my STBXW's sexual abuse as a child, her need to re-enact that abuse during sex, the mental and physical abuse she subjected me to after Dday #2, and on and on. If you want to read those stories, I have a "greatest hits" collection of threads in my profile. I mostly want to focus here on the double betrayal aspect here.

How could my "friend" have done this to me? I really thought we were like brothers. Up until Dday #2 I considered him to be on my very short list of "best friends" I have ever had in my life. Now I constantly wonder if he was only being my friend all those years because he was secretly trying to closer to my wife.

When I think about it, I have had over the years many more close female friends (if I count my platonic female friends plus my former girlfriends) than I have ever had close male friends. I suspect a lot of us guys are in that situation. I've probably only had 3 or 4 "best friend" type guy friends in my entire life. So it really hurts to lose any male friend.

Something else that has been bothering me recently is how am I ever supposed to get close to another guy again. Never mind me having trust issues towards women now (duh) but now I feel very suspicious towards other guys too. How can I ever let another guy into my life when I someday am in another relationship? Am I always going to wonder if my "best friend", whoever that is at the time, is slipping it to my woman when I'm not around?

How could I have been such an incredibly awful judge of character? On both my STBXW's part and my former friend's part? This question particularly burns me because I don't know how to necessarily make sure I do not make this mistake again in the future.

I'm already trying my hardest to forgive STBXW (we have been separated for more than a month now and that time and space is helping me to calm down a little regarding my anger towards her) but I am still light-years from not wanting to kill that bastard on sight. I know I must eventually make peace, or at least détente, with STBXW because we share a child and I refuse to be forever fighting with the baby's mom. It's just unhealthy for the little one.

Fortunately I have not had to see my former best friend since Dday. But we all lived in a very small town together and we often still visit friends there. We have many mutual friends who are all part of the same social circle. The closer we get to the holiday season the more I worry that I will bump into my former friend at some party or other social event. How the fuck am I supposed to look at him? I'm going to want to smash his teeth out, I know I am. And I am not a violent guy. I have never started a fight in my entire life. I have defended myself a few times but never been the aggressor. How can I deal with all this rage I feel towards this scumbag?

I just wanted to share my story and the double betrayal aspect of my story with you here in this thread. I'd love to hear from any of you regarding how to deal with the feelings of rage and hatred I have for the OM.


ME 35
HER 24
1 Girl, 18 months

2nd OM was my former best friend and Best Man.

Divorcing.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: California
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