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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
only once
Member
Member # 18835
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

I'm newly registered, but have been reading here for the last few months. I am also a victim of double betrayal and also in the same boat as a couple other people here.

My husband had an affair with my brothers wife (SIL) last fall that lasted for about 7 weeks.

It's been one hell of a long 5 months since. I confronted my husband and he admitted the whole truth to me. My problem is that I have never told my brother about it because he still has children at home and also due to the fact that it caused me so much pain that I was hardly able to take care of myself never mind dealing with my brothers double betrayal.

I know she has been involved in another relationship (she told her oldest daughter) but I don't have any idea how involved it was.

So here I am, 5 months out, trying my damndest to deal with how painful this is for EVERYONE and don't think I will ever tell Brother about it.

Am I doing the right thing? i


Me BS 54
Him 54 FWS
D-day Oct 19/07

Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Canada
Doinmybest
♀ Member
Member # 4982
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear you've joined this group but as you have read, you'll get some great advice.

Turn the tables around and put yourself in your brothers shoes. Would you want to know the truth or prefer your brother know about the betrayal and not tell you?


Posts: 610 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: moving on nicely
only once
Member
Member # 18835
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To tell you the honest truth, I think that he knows more than he lets on. He has been living in a toxic marriage for many years.

HE WAS AWARE that there was sneaking around going on. I also told him that she kept calling my FWS from home and from cell phone after FWS told her no more. Her last ditch effort was trying to call his cell from a payphone. I also told my brother this. So, to some extent he is aware. I think she needs to own her own shit. Not only that, but he may also feel that he is hearing a biased story from me. Very difficult.

He did say to me when we talked that he knew he didn't have too much to lose, but he looked at me sadly and said "But you have a lot more".


Me BS 54
Him 54 FWS
D-day Oct 19/07

Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Canada
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only Once,

If it were me, I would want to know. Even though the pain I've been through is immense (my H had an affair with his brother's wife, who happened to be my best friend, by the way), I would not want to "live the lie".

I think it sounds like he already knows anyway and is preferring to shove it under the rug. I think a good honest sit down would probably be a good idea. At least then you would not feel any guilt for not telling him - you have enough shit to deal with on your own?

Are you still in the marriage?


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
only once
Member
Member # 18835
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

&%#@

I wish I'd never found out. And yes, we are still in the marriage.


Me BS 54
Him 54 FWS
D-day Oct 19/07

Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Canada
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only Once,

Sorry you have to join us here.

You will find a lot of support and hugs when you need them around here.

PM for you.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
lmwk123
♀ Member
Member # 15229
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My profile tells it all.. Still have a hard time with OW living across the street. She was my friend also. I do miss the friendship I had with her husband but we don't talk anymore either since A happened. Still wishing horrible things would happen to her. Since it's spring time now I have a gut feeling were going to run into each other and have the opportunity to talk. I am hoping so because I'd like to hear her side of the story. H hasn't been to open to talk much about it and it's killing me since I have to see her everyday. At one point I did have the chance to talk to her but my H still had me in denial thinking she was making the A up... How dumb I am when it all made sense to what I was seeing around me.


A- 11/06-5/07
I believe more A's throughout
3 kids
together 16 yrs

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AOKMOM, I was glad to see your post. I have not written my whole story yet, but my H left me for one of my "best friends." They plan on marrying as soon as both divorces are final. I hate her and hate the idea of her being w/ my kids. They (the friggin Brady Bunch) do cutesy things like pumkin picking and dyeing Easter eggs. they act like Mr. and Mrs. Family Values instead of 2 people that wrecked 2 families. Any helpful hints from someone a little further out than me?

Also, I am so glad to have found this board, even though many people have been through betrayal, it is very isolating to feel betrayed by 2 people who I thought were so close to me.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
alwayssosad
♀ New Member
Member # 18704
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H, cheated on me with my SIL. It's been about one month since I found out. I am doing better. Don't want to talk to my SIL, but our kids do alot of things together. Anyone out there, Knows how to handle this siutation? Help, don't know where to go from here?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Illinois
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi always and welcome to SI

I have to ask, is your SIL your brother's wife or your husband's brother's wife?

My OW is my sis. I limit contact. The only reason i have contact is because the cousins love each other.

I don't allow my H around my sis. Well, at least not purposely. There has been moments when H was with me at my parents and voila, she was there too. So it can be difficult.

But the goal is to keep your H and SIL from each other. That way you can maintain some semblance of sanity.

And for yourself, SIL's husband can be the one to bring the kids around you/your kids or you can bring your kids around him/his kids, vice-versa. Parks and public venues are nice places to have the kids get together. Your own homes and grandparents' home can be tricky.

You have to ask yourself what you can deal with and what you want. Really, kids can get over not seeing their cousins frequently. It's difficult at first, but you slowly phase them out and replace them with other friends/activities

If they're your nieces/nephews by your brother, I think it can be easier to have contact with them. If it's your own brother, the blood bonds you share help to keep the kids relationship in tact. After all, what can SIL say about him taking his kids to see their paternal aunt and their cousins.

My H ended up being in my sis' presence at Christmas. I went over to my parent's as planned on the 24th, left H at home cause she would be there. well, they asked me back on the 25th and wanted my h to come too. She wasn't going to be there, but ended up there.

Needless to say there was a moment eating my holiday dinner that I had to stupidly think "I wonder if they nailed each other on this table" but i put it outta my mind and got out of there asap!

Can't say it gets easier with time, the feelings just manifest themselves differently. When it's family, it's a gift that just keeps giving.


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it's family, it's a gift that just keeps giving.

No doubt!

Christmas was the last time we were all together too. OW in my case is H's brother's wife (SIL).

I might have to see her this weekend for my son's birthday party. I've just sent an e-mail to BIL to see if they can come to party, not sure if she'll show up or not.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I thought it was bad w/ a friend, at least I don't have to see her @ family events AND I my family gets to be supportive of just me.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, the family being supportive of JUST ME would definately be nice - I don't even talk to any of them anymore, because I know they can't pick sides between the four of us (me, H, SIL, BIL).

And family events are all the time! This summer, H's sister is getting married, she knows about the affair, but has still asked both me and SIL/OW to stand up for her. And SIL/OW is the maid of honor!

So let me tell you about feeling second best!


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy shower planning I won't even ask about a bachelorette party.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tigerlilly - I am so glad to see someone else is here thinking the same thing as me. I am sure most people here are, I just haven't read it yet (I'm sort of a newbie!).

Just imagine all the denial that is involved in all of this. My young ones for the longest time couldn't figure out why Daddy now lives with Mommy's friend, and why, when they see their dad for he few precious hours he does fit into his schedule, does he have to involved HER? And of course I try to explain it (thru gritted teeth) in a way that sort of makes sense yet doesn't make their father look like a total asshole. It's excruciating to try and do that!!

So yeah, whenever he takes them for a few hours (he never has them overnight) he loads them up and promptly takes them to her house most of the time. And then they bring home a bunch of cheap crap that they don't need and I know they are things that my XWH would never buy. Xmas is the same way. This past year, she bought my daughter a bunch of small stuffed animal kittens, and told her to name them after all of her cats (OW has 5 of them, pared down from 9 - yes, 9!). She even went so far as to adopt a kitten, same color as mine, and named it the same name! What the hell?!?!?! I have told my XWH that I don't want to see any of her shit brought home with MY children but he just shrugs his shoulders and acts like he has no control over it. Well I know it's because his balls are sitting in a jar on her nightstand.

Sorry....got off on a rant there! Feel free to share me more horror stories from your end...it is nice to know I'm not the only one! This site ROCKS!!


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to say welcome to Tigerlily. (((hugs)))

The double betrayal thing is a bitter pill to swallow. The betrayal also seems to multiply as other friends and even family members seem to be able to accept the relationship that our WSs have with OP.

If my STBXH could make my life any more miserable, I'm not sure how he'd do it. F-tard.

There are lots of us here for you. Keep posting!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, the OW was even my 'emergency contact #' for my kids school. Some days it feels like I have lost a whole community.

It feels good to know others understand.

The day after she professed her 'love' for my WS (I did not know then), she told me, "You are one of the best friends I have ever had. I would never want anything to come b/t us." Both my WS and the OP just believe their relationship was "meant to be." It's crazy. He used all the same lines w/ her that he used on me 20YEARS AGO. I guess that is still where he is emotionally. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just be done w/ them, but my kids still see them frequently. Now they are looking for a house together and are anxious to get married. YUK.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tigerlilly)))

Mine was an emergency contact on my kids' school cards, too. One year her name is on it, then next she's on the part of the card that says "Do Not Release To:"

I had it put in our stipulated judgment that any additions or changes to the kids' emergency cards had to be approved by both of us (that way he couldn't "sneak" her on there and have her pick them up without my knowledge - which he would do in a heartbeat).

I am always the one who picks up and drops off except on Wednesdays when he picks them up to take them to dinner. I have made it perfectly clear to the childcare director that she and her staff follow the court order and instuctions to a "T". Why would I want my kids released to someone who has a recent DUI? When she and XWH began their relationship, she kind of fell off the deep end. He sure made his bed.....

tigerlilly...does it bother you endlessly how to rationalize their relationship? I have racked my brain over and over trying to figure out what the hell I ever did to both of them to deserve this. I did nothing but bend over backwards for both of them: him b/c he was my husband, her b/c I sort of felt sorry for her. Then this happens. I am slowly coming to the realization that I know I am not perfect, but what they did was the product of two very disturbed individuals. People that cannot bond and grow with the spouse they have promised to be with for the rest of their lives. Very sad.

[This message edited by aokmom at 8:54 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
SecondChance
♀ Member
Member # 18366
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am right with you, aokmom and tigerlilly. My story is a little different but definitely similar. My XH had an A with a woman that worked for him. She was married with 2 sons just like us. While the two of them were having their A, they thought it would be a good idea for all of us to get together and hangout. We did that on several occasions, and the OW and I got close. We would email back and forth, send messages through my XH, etc. She used to always tell me how great I was, how good I was cooking, decorating, taking care of things, how good I looked, etc. Now I know that's just b/c she was jealous she wasn't going to bed everynight with my "lovely" H.

OW H is the one that told me about the A. I will NEVER understand why my XH and the OW thought it was a good idea to involve me and OWH in their distorted A. That's just plain cruel when they do stuff like that.

So, we attempted R, but XH still worked w/ OW and he never got rid of her -- couldn't imagine a life w/o her at least as "a friend." Did I ever hear that he couldn't imagine a life w/o me? Of course not! They have been together ever since -- still going strong. They aren't living together and he swears they're not going to get the kids together anytime soon. However, XH and sons "ran into" OW and her sons at a restaurant last month. It took until tonight for me to get the whole truth on that, which is ridiculous.

I haven't talked to OW since the A came out. She has since decided to move 10 min. from me, so I know it's inevitable that I will run into her sooner or later. I am scared shitless about that. I am either going to vomit (hopefully on her) or go nutso. I'm rooting for the vomiting thing.

Doesn't this all just suck though? I guess I'm still in the "holy shit, this is my life" phase. I wish somebody would pinch me so I could wake up from this nightmare.


Me: BS 32 (now 40)
Him: WS 34 (now 41)
OW: was M & worked w/ my WH. Now OW and XH are living out their fantasy. Good luck with that!
M: 10 yrs, together 14 yrs
2 sons: Now 12 and 13
D-Day: 9/8/06, failed NC, false R
Divorced: 1/3/08

Posts: 245 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Northeast
SecondChance
♀ Member
Member # 18366
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to respond to aokmom's comment about racking your brain. I know it's difficult not to think that you had something to do with it or that you did something wrong. But don't. (This is also good therapy for me.) Your H and the OW made a choice to have an A and it had NOTHING to do with you. Yes, there may have been marital issues between you and your husband that you played a role in. But, many people have marital issues -- big ones -- and they don't have As. Your H took the chicken shit way out. Instead of working hard on his M, he chose the quick fix.

I know in my case, my XH definitely has emotional and maybe even psychological issues. Everything surrounding his A was very immature, high schoolish. He became Mr. Popular with Mrs. Popular at the company and just ate that crap up.

Remember, it wasn't and isn't you. They're losers and you will never be able to figure out why they did what they did. The problem lies in them though, and not you. Don't forget that.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason and that kharma exists. So if that is true, in time they will get what's coming to them and we will have much happier peaceful lives in the end without them. I have to believe that's true and that Mr. Wonderful is out there somewhere looking for me now.

The hardest part is the unfairness of it all to the kids -- those innocent, precious bystanders.


Me: BS 32 (now 40)
Him: WS 34 (now 41)
OW: was M & worked w/ my WH. Now OW and XH are living out their fantasy. Good luck with that!
M: 10 yrs, together 14 yrs
2 sons: Now 12 and 13
D-Day: 9/8/06, failed NC, false R
Divorced: 1/3/08

Posts: 245 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Northeast
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