I haven't posted for a long time and have taken a long break from SI, but I have an interesting thing happen. It has been two years as of April. I live across the street from the OW. It has been a very long road and to say the least, very difficult when you are constantly reminded of the nightmare that happened. My FWH and I are in R and it is going well. Comparing my life to two years ago, I can't believe the trip we have made. The FOW hasn't attempted to contact me or FWH for over a year. I see her outside all the time because our neighborhood is full of kids playing, and tons of activity especially with summer upon us. The FOW and I used to be really good friends. Through this entire healing process, I have come to forgive my FWH and I thought that I had forgiven her, but I found within myself that I still carried this weight. Even though I would "block" her from my thoughts and vision, it seemed that every time I saw her, I would cringe. In the last few months, I prayed that I could just let her "be" and not react to her presence. I truly kept telling myself that I wanted her to live her life and I had finally gotten to the point that I didn't want anything evil to happen to her - but I still carried this weight and I got so tired of it. After a few months, I realized that I really was still a prisoner and that I hadn't truly forgiven her. I came to the realization that she was only 50% of the A. I have been blaming her more than my FWH and that isn't fair. I know I am married and have taken vows with my FWH - and really didn't "owe" her the forgiveness that I had granted my H. But it still didn't sit well with me.
I called her a few days ago and asked to speak with her for a few minutes. I think she almost fell off the chair. I told her it was a "good" thing and that I wasn't angry. I met with her and said that I felt that I wasn't fair with her and told her that her betrayal (in a weird way) almost hurt me more that my FWH. I told her that I had blamed her more for the betrayal and that this wasn't fair. She was kind and said that she appreciated my words. I feel very liberated by this. We only talked about 10 minutes. I told her that we would never have the relationship that we once had, but I feel that I can now be in my yard and not "worry" if she is going to be out there, etc. It has been two years and I never thought that I would come to this. I feel peace. Forgiveness does not mean that you condone the actions - it simply means that the debt is paid. Her debt is paid to me. We will never be friends again, but I know that she is remorseful and is working on her marriage and family. It has been a trip to hell and back and I finally am feeling like my old self again. I just thought I would share. I wish the best of luck to all on this site.
Healed after five years and with God's Grace.
I am definately not at the point of forgiveness for OW/SIL (I'm not even sure that I'm there with H - I haven't TOLD him that yet, but we too are working really hard at R and have come a long way).
I'm so happy for you. I hope some day I can get there, but it seems so very hard with an OW who was my best friend who has shown no remorse towards me at all. In a way, her betrayal hurts worse now because she has done nothing to right the wrong.
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Thank you for that. It has been such a long road. I can see that you are about 10 months out and I remember that first year. OMG, I was such a mess. It changed my life. I went through so many emotions. Rage, pity, doubt, depression, and everything else. This hasn't come by easily, for sure.
I never thought that I would reach this point - EVER. I am so grateful that I can finally feel okay with this. I know this means that I will still have some down days, but I know I can handle it. This wasn't the case a year ago. I wish you the best of luck. I know that "double betrayal" is a bit different. This FOW knows so much about my life - heck, we were very good friends. Like I said in a previous post, in a weird way, her betrayal almost hurt me more than my FWH. Take care.
[This message edited by cant_understand at 3:13 PM, July 14th (Monday)]
Do I e-mail them and let them know he's in town so they can take him out for a drink? He's on business there for a couple weeks...
How does your extended family deal with OP??
I cannot believe I haven't posted here yet. I am mostly in the R board, but have been lurking here for a few weeks.
My full story is in my profile, but in a nutshell, my H had an 18 month long EA/PA with one of my closest friends. She still lives right down the street, and we have lots of mutual friends, so I cannot get her fully out of my life anytime soon. NC with my H has been successful, and our R is going great. Of course, there are bumps in the road, but I am 100% confident that R was the right decision.
Here is where I can use a good dose of reality from those of you who have 'been there, done that'.
I am having such a hard time dealing with the fact that one of my closest friends betrayed me! My H has shown incredible remorse, and he tries to make up for the hurt he caused me every day. But she has never shown remorse, or even apologized! Once, she even had sex with him in my house, and then met me for dinner an hour later!!!! WTF?!??! She even called my son to babysit her kids, while she went to go meet my H!
I have so much anger and hatred toward her right now. I don't know how to handle it! In addition, I cannot believe any of our mutual girlfriends would even talk to her! They have met her and her H for dinner as couples with their husbands, b/c the guys are friends. How could they? Am I asking too much that they snub her? A few of the gals will no longer speak to her, but a couple still are! How could they, after what she did? What does that say about them?
This part is even more terrible, and this is the first time I am saying this. When my H ended the A, she sent him a text, threatening to kill herself. Since my H had already established NC, we decided I would call her back and tell her not to hurt herself. I told her that my H will not be returning the call, and I said, don't do anything to hurt yourself. Do you know what she did? She hung up on me! Now, I wish she DID kill herself! Or at least attempted to, so she would be in a psych. ward somewhere, and NOT down the freakin street from me. Lord forgive me, for saying such a hateful thing, but I cannot get that thought out of my head!
Does this hate fade, or, even better, go away? What about mutual friends that still talk to her? What does that say about their morals that they can associate with her?
What does this say about me? Everyone who knows about the A, talks about how I have handled the situation with such grace and dignity. A few have said how wonderful I am for being able to forgive my H. Yes..I am working on forgiving him, but I hardly feel graceful or dignified. I feel mean, spiteful, hateful and full of rage. I feel like I am losing myself. Which woman am I?
Does this hate fade, or, even better, go away?
What does this say about me? . . . I feel mean, spiteful, hateful and full of rage. I feel like I am losing myself. Which woman am I?
Don't be so hard on yourself. Think of yourself in terms of your M, your family and your willingness to forgive and R with your H. Don't judge yourself by looking at your relationship with this parasite. She does not define you. Your reaction to her does not define you. Let her worry about the kind of person she is and concentrate all of your energy on surviving this awful blow that you have been dealt.
Some of the best advice you can peachy40...
...I am only about 10 months out from D-day (my H had an affair with my best friend/SIL - his bro's wife) and I still carry an intense hatred towards SIL/OW. But now, I can say that it's slowly turning into indifference. I am still required to see her at times (family functions, etc), but I've tried to adopt the "I don't care" attitude about her. If she can't be remorseful or try to make things right, then why should I expend ANY energy on her?
So I'm working at just being indifferent, ambivalent. So far, it's working for me - I feel stronger and better for it. I know the anger and rage you talk about and have had the EXACT same thoughts. It's when I actually actually started to accept that I had a RIGHT to be angry, etc. at her, but not really give a DAMN about her, did I start to feel better about myself and my M.
I still wonder about what she's doing, how her M is going (as I still love my BIL and nephews with all my heart), but really, if I don't know, it's not going to kill me and I'll probably be better off not knowing so I can focus on MY OWN LIFE.
That's all we can control - our own actions. It doesn't mean that things others do won't piss us off, but it will mean that we can choose to not let them control EVERY aspect of our lives.
I am going to see SIL/OW this weekend for some family functions and I gotta say that I'm not even stressed about it - why? Because having her around does not define WHO I AM. Now, it took a LONG time to get to this point, but I'm there. And believe me, it feels good.
Cut yourself some slack - a double betrayal is in my opinion doubly hard because you are dealing with two relationships that have been wrecked. My advice is for the time being, choose which one is more important to you (I assume your M), and throw yourself into that if you want to R. Forget about the OP for awhile (I know, easier said than done), but once you start, you'll find that it's easier than you think - I promise!!
I think of it like this...
If I were to make a huge mistake, I have a few girlfriends that I know would stick beside me through it...they would not agree with what I did, nor would they coddle me, but I KNOW that my friendship with them would remain intact.
I have a few mutual friends with SIL/OW. But I'm fairly confident that they do not bring up things that I may have told them in confidence about OW/SIL to SIL/OW. The the few mutual friends that we have I usually try not to say too much (if anything) about the A - they know about it and it's up to them to decide whether they can remain friends with both of us. I don't expect them to choose one over the other. I have friends who have made HUGE mistakes in their lives and I never once thought about "ditching" them...
So I guess it's tit for tat...
She wasn't the one I found out about first, but it was painful to find out that for 4 out of our 5 years of marriage she was sleeping with my H.
Ironically, the other woman my ex had an affair with was the one to tell me about my friend. She felt that even though we were separated and in divorce proceedings that I needed to know. My guess is that she was concerned he was going to come back to me and thought that this would solidify our separation (they weren't exactly getting along at the time).
Since then, my ex has completely reconciled with her (not friend) and they are doing great.
I've pointed out to my ex that it's not a good sign that he was cheating on his mistress with someone else (not even me!). He says he's learned his lesson...
What do you all think? Likely to cheat again? I'm guessing yes - we separated in February 2007, from then until April when I moved out of the house he had 3 separate OTHER affairs/one night stands.
OW deserves him!
On the friend...we are talking. I believe that I have forgiven her. No, I'm not sure, but I'm willing to try.
As difficult as it's been to have a double betrayal, I was always weirdly thankful that I knew the OP and could get some of the questions answered that I felt I needed from him. My hatred of him for the pain he has caused is so intense, and it's good to see that I am not way off base about how I feel. Like many of you I live close to this person and have had to deal with occasionally seeing him as well as the added threat and hurt that is brought on by my wife seeing him on occasion. My issue now is that I gave this person two demands that I expected to be respected in exchange for keeping his secret from his wife. One was obviously to never contact my W again and to take himself out of the equation as far as future gatherings with friends went. He did so and I am very happy about that. My next demand was that he move away. He told me it would take some time, it isn't so easy blah, blah. I didn't care and told him he needed to make it happen. It has now been a year and a half and there isn't so much as a For Sale sign on his lawn yet. I decided that I wanted to call him (which I haven;t done yet) to apply some pressure by giving him a month to get out of town before I would start giving his wife info about the affair. I told my W of this plan last week and it took her totally off guard. Because we seemed to be doing better, she didn't understand why I would want to go stirring things up. I guess I should have shared with her my feelings about having to deal with him living so close and things may have gone a little better. Now, however, I am faced with a major decision. My W's concerns are valid. If he doesn't move away and I follow through it does in fact open up a huge can of worms. None of our friends or family really know. It is likely that my W would have to deal with being confronted by the FOM's wife and who knows what would come of that. Of course, besides trying to rid myself of this person, there is a huge part of me that would love him to get what is coming to him...but at what price. The way my luck has been in the last couple of years his W would leave him and he'd seek out my W again.
Another issue I could use some feedback on is that I believe my W had an EA with our closest friend at the time. It started innocently enough as he was trying to help my W through what was a terribly confusing and painful time in her life. Unfortunately, they went way too far and involved much of the same kinds of things that were involved in the A she had just come out of. Because there was no sex and they both have sternly denied any emotional stepping-over-the-line, this issue is still very raw for me and remarkably seems to hurt even more than the original P and EA. At least in as much as the betrayal part of it goes. My W has finally gotten to the point, with our counselors help, where she has agreed to have no contact directly with this man. However, she conveniently became best friends with his W as this took place. This lead to the next betrayal when she invited my W over when she knew her husband would be coming home early from work and when she put my W on the phone with him while I was out despite knowing full well that I had said that I could no longer be in my marriage if she continues to have any contact with her H. I feel it's such a slap in the face that she is so intent on keeping this friendship. I wonder when if ever she will begin to think of me above her desires and such. I have sat on this issue for a while now and just tried to be happy with what my W is doing to reconstruct safety and honesty in our marriage, but I am feeling like she ought to start to consider my feelings above her desires again now that she is more committed to our marriage again. I'm stuck wondering how hard to push, if at all, about this issue.
For her I think the major issue is control. I forcefully took control of her first A when it was obvious she was incapable or perhaps just unwilling. Then I was making requests of her, which turned to demands, in relation to her "friendship" with our best friend at the time. I have tried to show her how she has control in so many aspects of our lives together but she can only focus on those which I felt I needed to step in to take control of when she was not able to do what was in the best interest of our marriage and family. She continues to be extremely resistant to meeting any of my requests that relate to these issues, such as staying off IM and getting rid of things that I relate to the affair.
This woman was like a sister to me; I called her family; she was at the birth of my child. Now I hope I never see the bitch again and that she burns in whatever hell exists for the horrible pain she inflicted on me.
She's had a LTA with my H of 29 years, called me and my kids crazy when caught and has denied any wrongdoing.
Deceiving is wrong, denying it makes it worse. Portraying yourself as saintly while actively lying, takes it to a very different level for me. Time is not healing for me, I'm getting angrier.
The way I handled it was that I flat out told them that they were to NEVER mention her to me, or vise versa, EVER!!! For a while there was a difficulty following my request, but I told them that I would not be around them if they chose to talk to her. While I can't control if they choose to have a relationship with her, I can control MY relationship with them. Fortunately most of them have decided they like me better than her, so they've been pretty cool about not bringing her up.
I have lost a few people in the process. My sisters daughter will not have a relationship with me, almost as if she thinks he'll try the same crap with her. It hurts, as I love her dearly, and would like to see her children more. That's one of the choices that I made when I decided to work things out with him, that I might lose a family member or two.
What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I sent her a letter yesterday and I posted it in the main forum. I feel better now that she knows how I feel.