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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
We_Not_3
♀ Member
Member # 20672
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((misfit))))))))

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2008
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all of those of you that still look but dont post, I have one for you. I just sent a letter to my brother and told him that I really dont care about him or to ever see him again. Its been three years since I have seen him and not once has he said sorry for his part of having an affair with my FWW. She has done everything she can do and not once has he said a thing to me. For that he gets a farewell from me and I hope that I never have to see him again in this lifetime. For all of those of you that make things right with family members, That is great and for those of you in my situation, Im sorry but sometimes you have to do what is right for you and move on. That is what I am going to do and do it without a person that meant a hell of lot to me at one time but not anymore. I hope we all can find happiness in a bad situation.


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a similar situation here as some of you. I was betrayed by my H and my sister. Ironically I had warned him many times to stay away as I'd seen her cheat on and with many others. I suspected he was having an A, and she was the one I went to for advice on catching him! She would say mean things about him and also tell me stories of how her lovers were and what they had told their wives...stories that sting worse now that I know she was talking about my H some of those times.

I was actually ready to file for D (the A was just one of our problems). Then my H broke down and opened up in ways I never believed he was capable. He was honest and admitted, showed, and FELT his own emotions. He consistently made steps for weeks showing with his actions that he was not only remorseful but working toward fixing our M. My sis on the other hand still tried to manipulate & control both of us. (She was the one th at told me first, and in a most painful way...)

It's a long story, but some of the problems are that I found out how badly others in the family had been treating me, my sis is still trying to manipulate and I don't want the whole family to know, I want to be involved w/my 15yo nephew but she uses that as an excuse to get my H near her again, and we just recently moved out. When I found out we were all living w/ my Mother in the same house! (Karma....)

OK, sorry about the rambling, I was just so happy to find others that had been through such intense situations and still had hope, yet need to vent and cry now and again. :)


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. I havent posted here before. I know some of you from other forums!!
I do hate that we are all here, and that there is even a forum for this. My story in a nutshell is...
WH had a 15 yrs (or so) A with the person I thought was my cloest friend. The whore and her husband were my childs godparents and we were their childrens. We did EVERYTHING togather. I know now for all these years she hated me (right back at ya c*nt). It makes me sick thinking of all the nice things I did for her and her family. All the gifts, all the babysitting, feeling so awful for her when she found out she has MS. (Which now my WH tells me he thinks she made it up for him to feel sorry for her and pay more attention to her - she would lie to him about alot of things, how her marriage was, things I would say to her about my WH) We are only 4mo out - today - from D-Day, and I want so bad to control her life as she did mine for all these years. My child has missed out on being an older sister cause my WH didnt want to have any more kids cause then I would want him to stay home more, and that would ruin his fun!! I hate that I have to NOW forget about 15 years of holidays, birthdays, the birth of my child, cause she was always there. I hate knowing that her children still most likely love her, when I know the truth, she didnt even want them anymore. I dont know how she can even look into their eyes knowing she choose to be a whore instead of a good mother. I wish and hope she realizes that she is no good for anyone and the world would be a better place if she would just shoot herself in her head. Her death would make all who know her,including her H and children happy. Sorry, going a little angry...I think I am hitting that stage. I even get scared to drive cause I want to run everyone off the road!!
Sorry to start venting...I just want to say hi to everyone and I totally understand all of you!

[This message edited by hurt789 at 2:40 PM, November 13th (Thursday)]


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hurt)))

Wow, my OW was (I thought) my closest friend, but our history was no where near as long, neither was the A. I so feel for you.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tigerlily

Thanks.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
NewCynic
♂ Member
Member # 21794
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like many here, the OP became one of my closest friends AFTER the A started (it lasted 2 years). He lived 2 doors down from my house. The 2 couples (and our kids) went on trips together, had frequent dinners at each other's homes, etc. When OP was moving homes, he stayed in my house for about a week while his things were being moved.

My WW even says that OP became close friends with me at her suggestion, WHILE she was having the affair. She thought we would like each other.

When I found out about the A I sent OP a very threatening letter. I told him I did not want his excuses or apologies, I simply never wanted to ehar from him again, and he was never to contact my wife again... or else.


Me (BS): 43
Her: (WS): 41
OP: (former) close friend and neighbor, now living abroad
D-day: October 9, 2008
D-day 2: October 25, 2008
2 children (8, 5)

Posts: 79 | Registered: Nov 2008
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Happy  Posted: 6:44 AM, December 18th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are days that the OW's betrayal is almost harder than my FWH's.

In a few days it'll be the anti-versary of the first time I realized that she-- my so-called best friend, you all know the drill -- was becoming a huge problem in "our" marriage. The A started as an EA but quickly exploded. It was all downhill from there; several times I confronted her and she lied to me about the extent of her involvement with my husband. Hell, she even thought she was HELPING me by talking to him! lol, not even funny!

I don't know why it is that after putting her out of my mind and not wanting to talk to her (well, to YELL at her, mostly ;-), I now want to write her as cruel a letter as possible. I won't though, I don't think it's a good idea.

She's far away anyway, FWH and I are in R and making slow but steady progress. I guess I shouldn't open that freaking door.

But just so the universe knows, I hate that fucking bitch and I hope she gets what's coming to her. Merry f'in Christmas, hobag.


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jolene,
Sorry to find you here. Not too many post in this forum. But wanted to just tell you I understand if you check back in here

Oh, and she will get whats coming to her. She has to..that is what keeps me going...for my FWH's whore to live, live an awful miserable life. I want her to pray for death to end her emotional and physical pain, and death just doesnt come fast enough for her.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess I'm kinda different in my feelings here...yeah I have anger but I also see how OW is already miserable. Ironically, she would've been MORE comfortable if i would have responded with anger. It's all she knows how to do, hurt others and keep the vicious cycle going. Yet she obviously doesn't feel any better about herself.

That being said, I do wish that she'd get another STD as that would totally be karma.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

humboldt,

my OW is also my sis
although my H denies PA, he says it was flirting and limerance on his part

I have a question. Is your husband going to be with you at your family's gathering?

Are you concerned that your husbands feelings for your sister will start back up?

I had a 5 year truth trickle. My H still insists that it wasn't PA but I know they had ample opportunity.

A few months ago I asked my H how he would handle the family situation. He responded with" I'd keep my H away from my sister, knowing how much he had desired her."

I was floored at the moment. I quietly said, "I shouldn't have to keep my husband away from anybody. His desire should be for me. I didn't know I was in a competition."

I was wondering because I don't think my H will be going to my parents house on the 26th. My dying dad wants me and the kids to come over. It's also one of my son's 15th birthday. We'll be celebrating all the dec bdays, including mine and my sis'.

For many years,I did big gatherings with family. My dad doesn't know about my H and sis.

I used to feel torn about having my H stay home at times when I visited my parents. Since my H's remark, I feel indifferent.

And it doesn't help that my sis purchased a home right next door to my parents earlier this year.

Anywhoo, just thought I'd ask.


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wrote you a long post and right before I pushed submit, my baby found the power button! I'll try to write it again tho.

First I'm so happy that someone else is there with me and still choosing R! It's been hard to find any with same situation, and many that don't understand R. Sad to be here, but glad we can share "stories."

We are all going to Christmas Eve together, as it would hurt my Grandma otherwise. She would want to know why, but she wouldn't really want to know KWIM? We agreed that he is not to be alone with her at any time, nor are my kids. He doesn't have to be next to me the whole time, but will do so if she ever approaches him. We will accept her gifts but immediately donaate them to goodwill.

We had a trial run the other night. We dropped off money together. A friend of Sis#1, (OW's twin) tiled my mom's bathroom and we contributed money toward supplies as a gift to mom. We agreed to all go together as a family. I did like that H kept some boundaries and did listen to me and was never alone with her. I didn't like that he was slow to respond, seemed to inch away from me, and I want him to hold my hand or touch me next time. His body language really showed that he's not comfortable around her anymore, but that sucks b/c I think he's less over being attracted to her than he'll admit. It was obvious she still had some power of him. She doesn't see boundaries still, as she asked him to go outside with her (very loudly, "H, come outside with me right now.")and fully expected him to just follow her. She was going to smoke and show him a joke on her phone. Since he didn't respond fast enough, I said
"You don't get the privilege of being alone with him anymore," and she responded with "Wow. That's harsh." But then said she was inviting me out there anyway (Liar. Just covering her tracks after the fact.)

One thing we're still working on for Christmas Eve is a way to stand up to her and "put her in her place" if she says something rude about me or my family. We want a polite, but firm message that doesn't give away the A. Any ideas?

Good luck to you and keep up the appearances in the family for those that don't deserve to be hurt. And in the future, wishing that ALL of our close family does the same for us!


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing we're still working on for Christmas Eve is a way to stand up to her and "put her in her place" if she says something rude about me or my family. We want a polite, but firm message that doesn't give away the A. Any ideas?

Yep.

He has to be the one to put a wall between him and OW. For example, when she told him to "come here" he should have firmly responded with : I'm not going with you. I'm not interested."

After your remark and her "That's harsh" response he needed to be at your defense and the defense of the marriage immediately.

He should have said "My wife is right. I love my incredible wife. I won't ever be alone with you again."

Really, this is about her wielding power over you too. She is more powerful than you in her mind because she had your husband.

Your husband will have to be the one to "chose" you and set the boundaries for her mind's sake. She feels entitled to your hubby. He has to show her that he isn't interested, views what he did as the worst mistake of his life, loves you more than anything, and that she isn't a consideration anymore.

Btw, I spoke with my husband about this weekend. He said that he doesn't "feel that way about her anymore". So it wouldn't be anything to him to be near my sis. He also told me that he'd stay close by me. I asked him if he wanted that so the feelings wouldn't start back up. He told me no, his being near me is to support me and make me feel better.

I responded that I didn't need him near me to feel better. For me, having to even deal with this makes me feel indifferent toward him. So, we still don't know if he'll be going. We'll see.

I hope your having a good Christmas...I know how hard it is with this going on.


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LLL,

Thanks for your input. It bothered me that H was so slow to respond so I will share those ideas to help him get the point of what I want (and need) in those interactions. As it turned out, one son got the flu and H stayed home with him. My sister was a total bitch, crossing lines & being her annoying self. She just did & said stupid stuff, almost like she had to give me an "I don't give a F" attitude or something. She stuck a wrapping paper roll between my legs from behind so it looked like a male part sticking out in my skirt, right in front of my conservative aunt. She tried to hold my daughter several times but I always came to get her first. Then she complained to a new in-law about how she couldn't ever handle a daughter & I said maybe she'll get one anyway so she said I was stupid cuz I hadn't figured out birth control like her and besides she's celibate, to which I had to laugh and find another place to continue feeding my daughter. She was also drinking secretively as we don't ever drink at my grandma's. She wanted to be sure I acknowledged her gift--a pair of socks (0-6months for my almost 1yr old). So I just said, "Yeah, we got em."

Just sucked w/her so I was glad H couldn't make it. I was there for my exctended family though and am looking forward to being at the in-laws next year w/just a call to my grandma instead the emotional roller coaster.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

humboldt,

My 16 and 7 yo's were down with the flu on Saturday, so my H stayed home with them.

My sis isn't nasty and mean very often anymore. See, her Karma bus hit her dead on with an NPD baby daddy (who was a married man when she got pregnant with my nephew). My nephew's dad is such an abusive stalking jerk that my dear sis said she'd never ever think of dating a married man again.

Soooo, I had a good holiday. Even though my little germ mutators have given me the flu.


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
a_mess
♀ Member
Member # 11599
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too recently found out my STBXH had a 10 month affair with my 'friend' and neighbor. It started when I was put on bedrest with our 3rd child. I now know she only became my friend of convienence. it saddens me cause I miss our friendship. Our families were friends and I miss her kids as well. I feel as if I need closure. H and I are divorcing, at my request. the only communication I have received from her is a text on new years eve. "I know you hate me. and I deserve it. I won't be at the party tonight. you deserve to have fun without having to deal with me."

what does that mean? really?


Me (BW) - 34
Him (STBXWH) - 35
3 kids - Son 7, daughter 5, son 1 year
Married 14 years
C-day - 7/2/06 , d-day - 10/7/2008
Filed for divorce 10/14/2008

Posts: 152 | Registered: Aug 2006
Onefoot
♀ Member
Member # 22249
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading this forum for days and, while not having read every page, have read enough to believe nobody has posted anything like my Double Betrayal. Actually, it could be considered a Triple Betrayal.

My Husband brought a troubled young woman into our home as a spiritual "daughter" to mentor. She came to our church looking for fathering to heal from a childhood with and alcoholic and violent father. Police calls happened several times. The last time she and her mother had to drive around all night to stay away from her father, or the police would arrest one of them. The next day, she broke down in our church's prayer lab and my H held her to comfort her. At that point he felt he wanted to "father" her. She lived with us from the age of 29 to 31, against my advice when asked, as we did not have a strong marriage.

I was a mentor mother to her. I attempted to teach her homemaking skills she did not have, but she didn't want to be "Domestic", and was afraid of learning to cook. I taught her everything from flossing her teeth, correct bras to wear, jelly-making, how to delegate jobs to put on an "event" and how to vote -- her first time at age 31.

All of this and more to a college graduate!

I have 2 daughters who were 21 and 15 at the time. After OW moved in with us, my husband abandoned them and me for time with her. He bought a computer, cell phone, buildt her a studio, gave her money, paid for classes, conferences and mission trips.

After a year of living here, going to the same church, being employed in our business, and running, hiking, diving, etc. with my husband, they started to talk of their "feelings". An emotional affair took place for 2 years.

She finally decided to go to a Bible school in the Fall of 2007, but the night before, while I was taking my oldest to college and our youngest daughter was staying elsewhere, they went on a dinner date, came back, held each other around the fire pit, then she got on his lap facing him, legs straddled. They engaged in disrobing and foreplay. They finally moved inside to dry hump. (I had never heard of such a thing before.)

She continued to return all Fall to see him and do the same activity in a public park in the car my husband made possible for her to have,and our business office, AND stop by to see me!

Asking me, "Are things better with you and ____ since I moved out? This while still seeing him. She gave me a DVD, "Healing the Broken-Hearted" for Christmas and 3 days later "humped" him again.

I don't understand how she could be leaving to get away from the situation, knowing the EA was wrong, and the very night before initiate PA.

This girl was set up as a big sister to my daughters, called a daughter, mentored my youngest not to engage in sex as a teenager as she had before becoming a Christian.

This is why I say Triple Betrayal. Betrayed me as wife and my daughters as sisters.

I don't even know what to call this. If she was a "daughter" to my husband, then was this spiritual incest?

For my daughters, 2 people set up as role models and teachers in their lives, violated everthing they taught and stood for, AND, they did it with EACH OTHER!!

He, of course, has found the love of his life and was ready to leave. She is 25 years younger.

He also dumped 30K on a loan for a business she was going to be involved in but left after the loan was made. The partners made one payment and have gone out of business.My husband hasn't tried to collect because he knows they have nothing and he wants to let it go because it was for "her".

Finally, in Jan 2008, she asked for NC and we are in MC, but he says he never loved me, is just going thru the motions, heart isn't in it.

So I am left with a bombed out family, one suicidal daughter who has attempted to lose her virginity with the biggest, strongest man she could find. (H doesn't believe that action is related at all to his A). Even the MC pointed out the similarities and common location: our home.

In OW's NC letter, she said she was saving her "purity" for the right one! I couldn't help laughing out loud. I also pointed out to H she didn't consider him the "right one". He says they had an understanding that they had marrying love.

He resents being left with me. He had his cake: (domestic support for BOTH of them), and could eat it too" (spend all the time he wanted with her under the guise of "fathering" and using his marriage and family as a protection for their relationship to incubate under.)

This is so perverted is seems surreal.


BS - me 60
WS - him 59
Married 1977 - 34 years
2 DDs - 27, 20
DDay March 30, 2008
EA - 2 1/2 years, PA 4 months
OW - 25 years younger, lived as "daughter" with us at husband's request, then he pursued her as lover
NC - Jan 2008, S

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: California
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((OneFoot)))))))

I don't know what to tell you but I just wanted you to know that you're being heard.

I can see why you call it a triple betrayal. I have to believe that there are people who get their rocks off doing the most twisted, convoluted permutation possible in their "love". Your situation almost sounds like a David Koresh thing in the making, like your H was some kind of wanna-be guru.

I wish you strength and courage.

[This message edited by jolene at 1:33 PM, January 12th (Monday)]


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Humboltmom,

I thought about you this Christmas. Good for you for being so strong at such a hard time, and graceful, as I'm sure was reflected to your entire family during the holidays when you were in your sister's presence, whether they know about the A or not.

To me, it sounds like although she puts on a smug face, she is just a ladder climber, willing to knock people down to make herself look good. And you know what? Most people see through that BS in about 10 minutes.

You are tough cookie, my dear, and you did well.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onefoot,

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but so glad that you found this site - it has helped so many of us through the tough times and cheered us through the good.

May I ask you a question (and this is not to teeter you either way):

Are you wanting to continue on in your marriage?

It was a question someone asked me in the begginning. The answer came right away to me, but I found myself saying "Yes, but I just couldn't after what he did" or "yes, but that would make me weak" or "yes, but what would everyone think of me?"

But in the end, my answer was still yes, even though the trials were so high.

I don't know if my marriage will last forever, but for me, I was glad that I went through with my decision.

Whether your answer is yes, or no, just remember that you have a choice in this matter too, going forward. You didn't have a choice of what happened to you, or your family. You don't have a choice of what your H is going to do next, but you do HAVE A CHOICE of what you are going to do with the rest of your life.

Sounds like a HUGE burden in the begginning, but if you take your life into your own hands, whatever decision you make will be the right one for YOU.

Sending you major strength.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
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