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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm stuck on the "friend" aspect of the betrayal today.

OW knew us very well. She knew how vulnerable our M was and how hard it had been for us to get to something that resembled a normal life with our son who has a serious genetic disease. Yet it didn't stop her, or my H, from getting together.

There are things I don't understand and may never be able to wrap my head around. Why did she alternately, according to FWH, encourage him to work it out with me and then ask for proof that he loved her? Does she really think that we can all just be friends again? She e-mailed FWH one last time to congratulate ME on my new job.

I guess I am very worried that she is going to finagle her way back in. I know I can't control that, but it makes me so angry and scared. I swear I could physically hurt her if she ever came knocking on my door.

But for the moment, she's in another country with her BH and it may never come to pass that they move back here (although they own an apartment not far from here, the love nest).

Am I ever going to stop thinking about this bitch? Am I going to be able to trust another female "friend"? FWH still thinks she's an "awesome" person-- because she works and takes care of her kid (but she doesn't... she sticks him with the nanny 24/7, including when she was fucking my husband!), big fucking deal, right???-- which make sit all that much harder to forget she ever darkened my life.

Just rambling, better to get it out here than start some godawful fight tonight.

I have to say it again, I hate her. I wish he had fucked some random sewer rat, that, I could have almost understood, but to fall in luv with her? It hurts so much worse and feels so much more dangerous.

HATE HER!!!

[This message edited by jolene at 1:31 PM, February 19th (Thursday)]


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jolene:

Sorry you had to go through this crap. Yup, I sometime feel like I received a few extra *slaps* that the two hurt me instead of him cheating with some random person.

My sis is also full of mind games and I still wonder about the "why" because she so doesn't make sense. She seemed to want to wreck my marriage, be in control of it, pit me and FWH against each other, be comforting to me, and yet be saying secret insults to my face, like a HAHAHA I know something you don 't kind of thing. I finally figured out I'll never fully understand her, as I have too many damn morals getting in the way of thinking like that.

FS:
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I have to admit I go fishing for them here sometimes when I'm down. Thanks for coming through!

TO ALL:
Do you have to deal with people not understanding your decision to R?

I told a few relatives that now seem a little cold to me and really give FWH the cold shoulder. Then I have the other extreme of some people on SI not understanding that I haven't completely written my sister out of my life, although I've totally redefined our relationship and insisted on partial NC between her and FWH (NC unless approved by me, and in a public context).

Just wondering if you have similar struggles?


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have to deal with people not understanding your decision to R?

I told a few relatives that now seem a little cold to me and really give FWH the cold shoulder. Then I have the other extreme of some people on SI not understanding that I haven't completely written my sister out of my life, although I've totally redefined our relationship and insisted on partial NC between her and FWH (NC unless approved by me, and in a public context).

Oh, HM, if I could only tell you how many times I've run up against a wall with this one.

Double betrayal is so tricky, especially when family members are involved because they are not so easily "written off" like a random OW.

I received a lot of slack about ever letting my H near my SIL again (and like you, I have STRICT rules, one of which involves my presence at EVERY moment that they are at the same place). I found it rather hypocritacal at times because there are many people here who had an A with a co-worker and still work together, and that seems to be oK (as long as their relationship is strictly "work related"). I mean, who are we kidding here - how is that any different? If not more dangerous because you obviously can't control the situation at your spouse's work.

But that's besides the point. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I struggled for a long time with the fact that I seemed to have to defend my decision to R with my H (and to some degree with my SIL) to a lot of close friends and family members.

I finally just in the last little while said "screw it", and don't defend myself anymore. I basically say that this is what I've done, and deal with it. If you don't like it, too bad, you don't walk in my shoes.

It may offend some people, but it's given me more peace. :)

Double betrayal is hard enough. Double betrayal with a family member makes the absolutely NC rules almost impossible to abide by.

You do what's right for you. Everyone else will fall into line eventually, and if they don't, punt em'


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
sytycd
♀ Member
Member # 22953
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about triple betrayal?

My Best Friend, who has been thru the many messes with my H and myself, even with to the lawyer with me the first time he left, knew every awful thing he ever said and did (and she knew my part too, Im no angel) decides to hook up with my H 1 day after he tells me he wants out.

Then I find out 2 nights ago that my other best friend KNEW that this was going on but didnt feel it was his place to tell me, and that he didnt want the drama and that he had enough on his plate.

I feel like IM going crazy - I feel like I just dont matter. I feel like their worlds would be much better off without me. Except for my beautiful daughter who has to see the pain and anguish in my face every day. I feel so bad for her. How could this man do this - this woman does this - this other man (friend) do this? Honestly, dont tell me they are ALL in the fog - maybe I am the one with the problems, maybe it IS me maybe Im just a big fat loser who doesnt deserve happiness or friendship. Because thats how I feel


BS-40
STBXH-43
Married 16 yrs, together 17
1 12yr old daughter

Hopin the Karma Train is headin full speed ahead towards WS!


Posts: 71 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish I had more time to reply, but, simply put...they suk and it DOES get better. like you would say to your 12 yo, "They are not really your friends. You deserve better ones."


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
pollybuddy
♀ Member
Member # 20742
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly don't get how a woman can do that to another woman, and I'm 16 months from D Day AND trying to R with not just my H, but the OW who was friend/employee/practically family.

She never, as far as I knew, ever tried to get H to leave me...just the opposite, she would "make sure" he was "treating me right". I used a VAR to catch them, so I did hear stuff to back that up, but that just makes it MORE surreal for ME. How can you be having an affair with your very good friend's husband, betraying her every day with every word/thought/action for 4 months, and at the same time, trying to make sure he keeps his wife happy?

Who DOES that?

I just have to keep reminding myself that she was just as messed up as he was, and that it COULD have been worse if she WAS trying to have a future with him. But then you have to think: if they DIDN'T want a future together, HOW could they do this for no reason?

It's truly mind boggling.

I feel for you humboldtmom, having it be your actual SISTER who did this, and having to deal with family agreeing or disagreeing with your decisions. In our case, nobody but my best friend and his know, and I'm pretty sure if anyone else did, they would think I was an idiot for what I'm doing.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 11/1989
One child, daughter, born 2/99
Affair: EA turned PA for 4 1/2 months.D Day 11/19/07 OW WAS employee/friend.
D Day 2, 4/30/09:OOPS turns out it never ended, I've been in false R for a year and a half.
Status:

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Aug 2008
cheerleader
Member
Member # 3246
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

husg yall..it is hard...but trust in others does come...in time...that terrible word...

it is a very painful thing to face..betrayel by two people you trust with all you have...


Well f@#$ me running, sometimes it isnt worth the effort to chew thru the restraints!
Where the is hope there is love.Where there is love there is life.Life is for living


Posts: 29038 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: we are never really sure are we?
shebop
Member
Member # 12669
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has this happened to anyone ever???????? Former close friend has EA with husband, husband and I totally reconcile, I (don't know if this adds to it) start working out fiercy and now have a very defined body, in which I am complimented on daily.(probably has a bit to do with it) but what I am trying to get at is, this woman(who was my friend) now has developed a severe hate for me and has called me names while she walks by me(only if no one is around) the other day she came behind me in a lineup at grocery store, and just started throwing stuff on to the counter in such a manner that the cashier and the gentleman in front of me remarked!! She will give me dirty looks when she can. Now shouldn't I be one that should hate her?(and yes I dislike her) I mean I could care a less if I run into her(we live in a small town)She saw me at the gym one day and got really mad!! and blurted out "I saw ###(husband's name) today at lunch and won't you give him my regards!!! I didn't have to jump to any conclusions because I know my husband had not met with her. Sure enough when I get back to work, he rubs in how the salesperson took him and a couple of other employees to lunch!! When I asked him if he saw her there he said yeah, in fact her husband came in and down at a table beside us and when she came in they got up and moved to another table. So enough of that, just wondering if anyone had similar things happen to them and if they knew of any phycotic personality disorders ..

Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2006
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this woman(who was my friend) now has developed a severe hate for me

this is not unusual. Remember that she had to justify in her own mind betraying you, so the hate started back during the A. In addition, you broke up her fantasy life when you 1) discovered the A; and 2) R with your WS. In her mind, she is justified in her hate. But then, in her mind having an A with your husband was a good thing


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17280 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
sytycd
♀ Member
Member # 22953
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya I had that too - for some reason my "best friend" started resenting me about 6 months ago when I started a new job, was getting on track with hubby, and wasnt making time to go out clubbing with her. Hello, Im 40 not 25, I could care less about clubbing. Anyway when my H came along and started texting her in November apparently they share so many things in common and that she felt I didnt DESERVE my husband and that she did. Then when my H told her he couldnt leave me at xmas AGAIN (cause hes done it at xmas for the last 4 yrs) and to wait until after the New Year - she decides to become Best Friends with my male best friend and turned HIM against me too. About how undeserving I was, and I was selfish, and lived beyond my means and I was - get this - a NYMPHO. Right, this is one of the problems in my marriage is sex and IM a Nympho. OK. Then she lets my male bff believe she is into a relationship with him, sleeps with him, gets him to take her out and stuff and when she found out that H and I had finally broke up she dumps my male BFF. So I know all the information because he came to me hurt and confused and spilled his guts. I saw every text between the 2, every email between them - it was like she was talking about a whole other person when she was talking about me. And when I asked him "wtf??" he just said she resented the fact that I had what she wanted and didnt feel I deserved it.
BUT all the while until D day she called and texted and we went out even. Now I know why she started sending me txt msgs in December about how the sex between me and H must be terrific. She was just keeping tabs.

And this woman had this done to her in her marriage and with her other boyfriends. And was always so hoity toity "I would NEVER date one of my friends exes - thats gross!".

And now IM the enemy? After I supported her and loved her and she told my male BFF that she chose my H over her friendship with me.

And all I did was spend more time with my family and work harder at my job - this is what I got in return. I dont know if I can ever trust anyone again really


BS-40
STBXH-43
Married 16 yrs, together 17
1 12yr old daughter

Hopin the Karma Train is headin full speed ahead towards WS!


Posts: 71 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
sytycd
♀ Member
Member # 22953
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, March 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS I think she got my male BFF involved because I think her and my H thought he would run to me and tell me everything about them and then they would be off the hook. I dont think they counted on him not saying anything to me and that screwed up their plans.


BS-40
STBXH-43
Married 16 yrs, together 17
1 12yr old daughter

Hopin the Karma Train is headin full speed ahead towards WS!


Posts: 71 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oK, all...

an update...some good news :)

I had a surprise birthday party for H this weekend. His mom and his sister and her husband showed up with their kids.

I invited BIL (H had A with his wife, but they have tried to mend their relationship for the sake of their previously close bond and for the sake of the family).

BIL e-mailed me back to say they (although I only invited HIM) would not be able to make it. Although at first I was a little hurt that he was not going to show, in the end I know it had nothing to do with me and he's just trying to work through the same things I am.

We had a great time and I think H really appreciated the fact that I orchestrated a get together on his behalf.

It was a good day :).


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going through something very similar where the OW, hates me and is saying very hurtful things about me. She has told other family members that I am harrassing her! I have sent her a total of 3 emails. She exagerated this and said I sent many.
Others have taken her side, and feel sorry for her.

I have just written her off and the family member who feel sorry for her. I don't think they have a clue what kind of pain this entails. I hope they never have to endure this, but I really think they want me to put this under the rug and go on like nothing happened. So we could be one happy family again.

Sorry, this just can't happen. I'm so happy that my husband is on the same page as me with all of this. It hurts, because one of these family members was one of my husbands best friend. But I guess he should have thought about this before he and her crossed so many lines.

Double Betrayl, sucks!


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
smile_it_helps
♀ Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk me out of it.

I had a very painful evening the other night. My daughter needed pictures for school so I had to go through all our pictures. Photo after photo after photo had the whore in it. That hurt. The pictures of her are all still up there with all our photos. Just thinking of those picture in my house are making me ill. I can't get some of the photos out of my head.

A little bit of therapy, I have this urge to cut her out of every picture she is in. Then take her photo and write likes to %^*$ married men on the back and scatter them throughout her housing development. The urge is strong. Really, really strong and getting stronger...


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jan 2008
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I threw out all pictures with her in it. I even threw out the pictures of her kids. And her youngest daughter was my god child. Threw it all away. I don't want anything around to remind me of that WHORE!


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did do a theraputic ripping of most (not all) of the pictures of my OW/SIL (she was in my wedding party, so I didn't want to destroy ALL of that memory until I knew whether my marriage was over or not).

I then took the ripped pictures and bundled them up and took them on a family camping trip. When no one was looking, I threw them in the fire and watched the suckers burn.

It was really theraputic and the only one who knew about it was me.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sorted thru lots of pics. I eventually decided to cut her out of pics where my kids looked cute (and I didn't have similar ones of them w/o her, saved ones that were of her w/me & mom or our other sister, trashed other ones, EXCEPT if they were embarrasing I gave them to her son (my nephew) so he can have them for blackmail.


I know what you mean though, I was obsessed during that time & just HAD to go through all my pictures.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too, I chucked out all the pics with the lying scumbitch in them.

I'm having an awful time right now. I feel like OW just totally got off the hook, like she will never understand how awful she really is. I really want to send all her pervy, dusgusting emails to our mutual friends. I know it isn't right, and I won't do it, but I remember one time that she had invited FWH and me to her house for a dinner party. One of the guests made a very offensive joke and I called him on it. Afterwards FWH was all pissed off at me bc the next day OW said I was "rude" at her party. At the time they were fucking each other, and I'M rude to defend my beliefs to some asshole????

My God, how I hate her. She's the type who wants everyone to adore her but no one else know how rotten she is inside.

[This message edited by jolene at 1:28 PM, March 26th (Thursday)]


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
Ms.LonelyHearts
♀ New Member
Member # 23456
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no idea other people had experienced this kind of betrayal and hurt.

My huband had an 'affair' with my supposed best friend. Apparently they never had sex......but I find that hard to believe.

I guess the worst part for me is trying to understand how the two people I loved most in the world would lie to my face and stab me in the back for months.

I don't have close friends......so when this gal became a really good friend.....I felt blessed and told her over and over that she was a such a God given gift. I loved her and thought she was such a wonderful person. I welcomed her into my world and home.......and went out of my way to be there for her.

It's been over a year since I found out.....and the hurt is still huge. I'm still married.....but in constant mental pain. It's made me wonder what's wrong with ME that people would do this??? How can someone be so evil and selfish??

My husband is sorry.....doesn't understand how or why he did that. And I just feel like I don't trust him and have a hard time putting myself out there again.

i've had no contact with my x-friend....and she's never apologized. It just makes me so sad.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Ohio
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a hard time lately. What gets me, is OW.....she really had to hate me. You just don't do this to someone else. What did I do to her? I was her daughter's godmother. How can she do this to me? I just can't get over that part.


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
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