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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she really had to hate me

I'm not so sure about this.

I'm pretty sure that my OW was jealous of me, despite my crappy marriage. I know she made reference to the home my H and I bought a few years back and renovated with a hell of a lot of blood, sweat and tears (mine and his). Her H was a disappointment to her because once they were married, he stopped treating her like a fairy princess who farts rainbows, and once she had a kid, she had to actually think about someone other than herself.

Still got my hate on, I guess


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny you say that OW was jealous, because I have told my H that many many times. I noticed that during the A she would just tune me out. Like she didn't want to hear what I was saying. I found myself stopping my conversations with her. Who knows what is going on in her tiny brain. I know now that she is nothing like me or never will be.


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.
I was just peeking in here and wanted to say hi. I, unfortunatly, understand everything you guys have been writting about. I am sorry to find us all here.
I wish I had words of wisdom for everyone ,but I am just 9 mo out from D-Day and have been struggling myself.

I'm having a hard time lately. What gets me, is OW.....she really had to hate me. You just don't do this to someone else. What did I do to her? I was her daughter's godmother. How can she do this to me? I just can't get over that part

I am totally with you. Read my profile. The OW is a total whore with no reguard for my family or hers. I dream of pouring acid all over her so everyone can see her outside apperance is as ugly as her inside. I know that sounds awful, but that is what I have upgraded to from wanting her dead.

Just wanted to say hi and keeping you all in my thoughts.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone.

This is my second day at SI, and I'm 13 months from D-day after my husband had a ONS with one of my closest friends. Months later, he had an EA with her over the internet, and I caught them.

So, here I am... trying to piece myself back together.


"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake

Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost


Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts
AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this thread sure it quiet...


"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake

Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost


Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnnabelleLee

Just wanted to say hi.
It is quit in here.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is always quiet in here. I wish I could get this more livier. I have a lot I wish to get off my chest. And I'm sure there are others like me. Where are you?!?!?!?

Please anyone who can relate, Please PM me.

Thank you!


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure that my OW was jealous of me, despite my crappy marriage. I know she made reference to the home my H and I bought a few years back and renovated with a hell of a lot of blood, sweat and tears (mine and his). Her H was a disappointment to her because once they were married, he stopped treating her like a fairy princess who farts rainbows, and once she had a kid, she had to actually think about someone other than herself.

That describes mine to a T. My BIL had her on such a pedestal that she did not have to do ANYTHING. No work outside the home, no housework, nothing. He did everything and once they had a kid, she was all upset because she wasn't the centre of his little world anymore.

And the part about farting rainbows....OMG

I just wish when one of those rainbows came out, a unicorn would bust through there too!

ouch....yeah, I'm not past that stage either....and I'm 1 1/2 years out!


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted everyone in here to know that even though I don't check into the thread that this is my situation too. My H had a three year A with my (our) best friend. We are almost 9 years out.

If I can help anyone in anyway please don't hesitate to PM me.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
confusedforsure
♀ New Member
Member # 21845
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree it is quiet here. I guess some of the problems we face fit into the other forums. Although two people you trust betraying you is a double blow. I have just as much trouble with my niece's betrayal as with my WS's betrayal. She has total disregard for not only me but the family members I love, and that's also hurts me. I wonder if our WS pick them because they know we trust that person and won't worry about them being together. I feel pain for the others in my family she is hurting, not only my own pain. The fact that they would put me in this position just plain makes my furious. It is beyond pain when two people you trusted to be together hurt you this way, it is devastation!

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2008
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, April 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, let's liven it up in here!

Did any of you have not only your WS telling you nothing was going on, but also the OP? My "friend" called me multiple times to play marriage counselor and to assure me that nothing was going on, that my H just needed to talk. Oh, and fuck. Yeah, that too.

In a way I'm lucky because OW moved away and, at least for now, won't be back in the country for a few years. That's reassuring, but I have this fear that she WILL come back one day (she and her BS own an apartment not far from here, that's where the A went down while her H was away working) and all my R efforts will have been for naught.

I'm still getting little updates about her from WH's coworkers who don't know about the A. I still have fantasies about sending their nasty emails to their whole company, but OW doesn't work there anymore, so I'd only be hanging my H and I need the money!

There are still days I wish I could just hurt her as much as she and WH have hurt me. It does feel like she has gotten off scott free, especially since her H is really naive and would have let the A go on if that's what she wanted.

I know it's not my place to punish her and that I should be done with her, and in I am, NC since NC email. But she sure didn't mind hurting me and potentially destroying my family and that burns.

[This message edited by jolene at 1:10 AM, April 19th (Sunday)]


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
down4now
♀ Member
Member # 23635
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, April 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are still days I wish I could just hurt her as much as she and WH have hurt me. It does feel like she has gotten off scott free, especially since her H is really naive and would have let the A go on if that's what she wanted.
I know it's not my place to punish her and that I should be done with her, and in I am, NC since NC email. But she sure didn't mind hurting me and potentially destroying my family and that burns

jolene, I can really identify with these feelings. I soo want to hurt my so-called friend the OW and I figure that's a natural reaction, to strike out at those that hurt us. I do know, however, that if I did do something malicious that I would really regret it, that in the long run it would make me feel a lesser person and I'M BETTER THAN HER. You are BETTER than your former 'friend', and I do believe that at some point (call it karma if you will) people like this do end up paying for their selfishness and disregard for the feelings of others.

People like my former 'friend' are damaged individuals who wouldn't know a healthy and committed relationship if it jumped up and bit them on the ass. My WH's OW is 50 and has had lots and lots of failed relationships and had never had any satisfaction or true happiness in any of them. She wanted my H because he was a kind, caring, thoughful and understanding man and thought that by taking him she could have what we had. But BECAUSE my WH was, at heart, all these things, the guilt and horror of what he was doing finally crushed him and he confessed to me. Now she is left with NOTHING again - no wonderful partner and no supportive friendship from US. Once again she is ALONE. I'm only 2 months out from D-Day so I'm not anywhere near getting over this yet, but one thing that does help me is knowing that in the end SHE's the loser.


BS (me) 44
WS (him)45
Married 21yrs, Together 25 yrs
Children boy 14, girl 19
D-Day(s)26th Feb, 1st March, 12th March 2009
5 Month EA/PA
OW: 52,former friend.
NC 4th March 09. Broken by OW 13th Aug, 20th Nov
On the road to R

Posts: 837 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has total disregard for not only me but the family members I love, and that's also hurts me.

This is something that I've often dealt with as well. My hurt, I can deal with, and try to resolve, but my blood BOILS when I see my MIL or FIL in tears over this, or my BIL struggling in his M, or my other SIL feeling like she is being pulled between myself and SIL/OW.

We all live in the same town and used to have "big family dinners" all together, now, that will sadly never happen again. Even Christmas is avoided at all costs.

My residual anger is definately still centred on that fact. Because a double betrayal, especially one that involves family members, includes so many different circles.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People like my former 'friend' are damaged individuals who wouldn't know a healthy and committed relationship if it jumped up and bit them on the ass.

Can I get an AAAAMEN!!

As my IC told me - "she's a train wreck."

And these types of individuals come off as needy and to top it off, FWH is a KISA so how dandy is that? But even tho they are damaged, they're NOT stupid and are very manipulative. It's sick.


Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
4yo GS & 14 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4803 | Registered: May 2007
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'M BETTER THAN HER

I do know that, in every sense of the word. I am better than her at everything because I am a better human being. But...I still want to control her life has she has done my for over 15 years. I want to tell her children the truth about how she used them and didnt want them, but I know it will only devestate them. I want to tell her husband there were others. I want to tell him she admitted she never loved her H, she only married him cause he would give her children and a house and that is what all her friends had...But then he would leave her and I am afraid she will try and get my H to take care of her (cause that was her dream) I guess I should want her and her H to R and be happy, cause that would only help me in the long run. But I still hate (not a strong enough word) her for making these evil, mean thoughts go through my head


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I should want her and her H to R and be happy

Isn't it so much more easier said than done. I'd be a big fat liar if I never had visions of BIL walking out on her. Making her own her shit and take control of her own life rather than having everyone else do it for her.

I wish my BIL happiness, but that it includes my SIL, it has such a double-edged sword to it.

That, and the fact that I don't think he really IS happy. I mean, I hope he is, but there's just something missing. I guess he could probably say the same thing about me.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you have not only your WS telling you nothing was going on, but also the OP?

Jolene, yes. They did that to me for a year. The OW was also going around complaining to our mutual friends that I was a "jealous psycho" and she was sick of my insecurities.


"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake

Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost


Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! This forum has sure picked up! I guess I haven't checked in here for awhile.

SI just reminds me of a funeral. It's so bittersweet that someone (or an ideal relationship) is gone, but yet it brings you together with so many people.

d4n: I love this.

I'M BETTER THAN HER
Although I have obvious issues of thinking OW must be better than me for FWH to have screwed her, deep in my heart and definitely in my head, I KNOW I'm better. I was pre, during, and post-A better than her. She's living her life in fear and jealousy and keeps trying to make up for that by sleeping with other people's husbands. I never want to, nor never will, be like that.

Lalagirl: I hate this too!

But even tho they are damaged, they're NOT stupid and are very manipulative. It's sick.

I can see a lot of reasons OW and FWH chose an A. Deep-seated psychological issues, some of which they couldn't control. (Which does NOT mean they couldn't each keep it in their pants, but I can see the pull of the A.) So even tho they're so vulnerable (they both made out their situation like they were victims), there is SO MUCH manipulation! They had to plan their meetings, lie outright, pretend things were not as they really were. FWH had me thinking I was crazy, OW was trying to convince me that H was a piece of shit that treated me horribly and didn't deserve me. The manipulation hurts almost as much as the PA.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FS: Right there with ya.

a double betrayal, especially one that involves family members, includes so many different circles.

This is what pisses me off the worst. I want to be able to speak up and tell about what happened. I want her to at least have to face some shame for what she's done. But I have to think about who it would hurt. I would never tell my grandma or most of my aunts. I would not outright tell my mom (even tho she suspects). This is for their own protection from pain and also to protect FWH as they'd blame him more, whereas she doesn't have much respect within the family anyway. If only the bitch and the former jackass had the same kind of respect for me before.

Anyway, I'm so glad that there are others out there with a similar experience so we can share and help each other get through it. I'm open to anyone that wants to PM me as well, to vent, ask for advice, commiserate, inspire, whatever. SI is such a benefit, considering what we had to go through to earn our membership here!


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe my OW likes to play the victim too. It has always been oh poor lonely me...feel sorry for me, look at me. blah, blah. Now, I know it's part of the MO, that is who she is, that is why she does the things she does.

The one thing that gets me, well there are many. Is that she said her first marriage ended because her husband cheated on her. She got the marriage anulled. I have a hard time believing this. Because if this happened to her, how could she do this to me? Maybe she was the one, in her first marriage????


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
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