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User
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Topic: Double Betrayal
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confusedforsure
♀ New Member
Member # 21845 |  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009 |     |
I agree with humboldtmom. It bothers me that she is just merrily living her life and mine is a mess. She knows that I know and I feel like by continuing to text my H as (although the PA seems to be over) she is just rubbing my nose in it, almost like saying ha ha you won't tell because you won't hurt them that way. That bothers me even more than the A did. If she would leave him alone (he is as much to blame for that as she is) and tell me (sincerely) that she was sorry it wouldn't be as hard. She doesn't seem sorry at all. He says she is embarrased to face me, I don't believe that is true, I think she just doesn't care if I hurt or not. She knows how close my sister (her mother in law) and me are and I feel taken advantage of by her and my H still remaining friends because they know I can't hurt my sister. My sister thinks this girl is great. I feel so torn between my H/marriage and my family. He is really trying in all other areas except still talking to her, making it very hard for me to R. We haven't really had a family gathering yet, sure not looking forward to that!![This message edited by confusedforsure at 5:41 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]
Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2008 | jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993 | | Posted: 9:22 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009 | |
To this day, neither FWH nor I have been able to figure out WHY OW/former friend decided to have an A.
FWH is baffled. I just don't get it, either.
This has been one of the things that has knocked me off course on occasion-- wondering why the hell she did it. I mean, my M had problems for a while, we'd been married for 11 years and there was a lot of water under the proverbial bridge, on both our sides. But she'd only been married for a couple of years. I tmakes me wonder if she'll do this to her poor unsuspecting BS again, and again, and again, every time she feels like she isn't getting enough attention.
Truth be told, I don't want to want to ponder the why for her, but because she and her BS were our friends, I do it anyway.
Separated, divorcing.
Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place | AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636 |  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009 | |
It bothers me that she is just merrily living her life and mine is a mess
I feel the same way! I found her twitter profile the other day, and she had always described herself as having poor impulse control like it was something to be proud of. And there she was, on twitter, with her profile boldly stating "cranky new englander, poor impulse control"
It made me want to die.
"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake
Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost
Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts | funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855 | | Posted: 1:58 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009 | |
But I have to think about who it would hurt.
humboltmom - you took the words outta my mouth!
confusedforsure,
Family gatherings are very difficult, especially those first few when you really don't know what's going to happen or how you are going to react when you are beside OP, or when your spouse is in the same room as them.
It's very hard....the only piece of advice I would give you is give yourself lots and time and have a place you can go to in the house ALONE if you need to (my IL's place was unfinished at Christmas last year, and I snuck down there many times throughout the day to compose myself or give myself a high five for being so damn awesome in the situation).
Most likely, nothing will happen, just remember that you've done nothing wrong and if something were to happen, you would have nothing to be ashamed about.
Family events are getting easier for me, but I won't lie to you - I dread them like the plague. But for the rest of my family whom I love dearly, I do it. It's part of my deal to R.
(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007 | Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038 | | Posted: 2:30 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009 | |
My wh had a 2 1/2 year A with a very close friend of mine. we were not close when it started, but we became close. I did nit know the a was going on, this w2as just someone I met and became friends with. Little did I know she was sleeping with my H. After our friendship developed into something close and special it wasn't enoughh for either one of them to stop and the result was OC
ME:BS Him:WS
married 10 years 1 child
D-Day: Thanksgiving'08(2OW's)
"I'm telling you now, I ain't going back to the pain. Been down on my knees I learned how to bleed, I'm turning my life around. Can I be Happy Now?" JBJ
Posts: 1291 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be | confusedforsure
♀ New Member
Member # 21845 | | Posted: 4:45 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009 | |
Funny Story,
Thanks for the advice. It's good advice. I usually have the family picnic here, so it will be easier to hide for a few minutes if I have to. It will be almost funny because I'm sure she will be very uncomfortable, if they even show up. Next thing will be Christmas, that gives me some time. The wierd thing is, that's what broke this all loose, my H told her they could come here and get a tree this past holiday, and I totally ignored her while talking to her H and children. She later asked my H if I was mad at her! That's when I told him all I knew. You're right, I didn't do anything, best thing I could do is really enjoy myself. She will be more uncomfortable then I will, after all she doesn't really know for sure if I will ever tell if I were to get mad enough. I have told my H that I will if they push me far enough. The more I think about it, the more I am looking forward to it, watching her and my H squirm. They wouldn't dare even look at each other in front of me, I will be watching them like a hawk and they WILL know it. When I think that at last year's picnic they were in the A and I didn't yet know it, that makes me sick.
Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2008 | funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855 | | Posted: 10:27 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009 | |
confused,
Yes, there were times when I actually looked forward to seeing OW/SIL because I was doing so good, and I wanted her to see it.
One time, I remember I took a polished rock and put it in my pocket. Whenever I started feeling anxious, etc., I would reach in and grab hold of that damn rock and remind myself what a fantastic person I am.
It was a great day.
(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007 | jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993 | | Posted: 12:05 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009 | |
Hey Chandler, just want you to know you were heard.
It's a special kind of awful when you know the OW very well. I can't decide who hurt me more some days, my FWH or the OW. Luckily I don't have to deal with her since she moved, but she's still here in my H's mind and heart.
What's your situation with the OC? Are you and your H trying to R?
Hope you're well.
Separated, divorcing.
Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place | TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291 | | Posted: 12:29 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009 | |
From the looks of it, it seems like a very large percentage of affairs are with best friends. I remember my MC once told me that it happens very frequently because the couple are already comfortable with each other through the bond they share through the friendship. MC said that the woman is the gatekeeper and it is usually her that opens the gate to let the man inside. I would have to agree with this.
And you can count me in that group whose WS had an a with his best friend/neighbor's wife.
Posts: 2247 | Registered: Sep 2005 | ninja_shorty
♀ New Member
Member # 23789 | | Posted: 2:11 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009 | |
My WH had an EA my my bf of 19 years. She and her BH introduced us and set us up on a blind date. We have been like family for as long as I can remember.
OW and her BH are my youngest child's Godparents. I videotaped the birth of her youngest.
When her BH was out of control with his alcohol, my WH helped to an intervention. They have been friends since Junior High school.
I have a text on my phone that I have saved but not sent.. I want SO BADLY to text it to her, but I think she will see it as an opening to weasel her way back into our lives.
Before my worst fears were confirmed I sent her an email
saying I thought WH was going to leave me.. her reply was defensive and not supportive..my first idea something was up.. I sent her a lengthy reply.. she waited over an hour before she wrote back. I guess she did not like me talking about sex with him, or how much I wanted him to hold me and love me.... DO you think she has any idea I sent her those emails.. with those words because I knew things were more than platonic with them? And she told him, which I knew she would.
On DDAY night he was in such a fog.. he tried to make me look like the bad person.. like I was imagining things. But I think now he was scared because his fantasy world was exposed.
I love WH.. I will work to trust him and forgive him and move forward. Our families feel so intertwined that I am not sure if complete NC is even possible. I do believe at this point he is being honest when he tells me if she has contacted him in anyway.
He emailed him to tell him she told her BH.. I hope this is true. Based on the fact that her BH has not called my WH to see if he wants to watch the NBA playoffs, I think she must have told him.
But I wrestle so much with how she could have done this to me? I can follow the painful, logical trail with WH, we have some M issues that we have not dealt with. But I never did anything to her.. I never would have done this to her. How could she look at MY husband and not think of me? She knew they were meeting and texting in secret...
I want to ask her why..
inhaling the Serenity prayer
Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CA | always learning
♀ Member
Member # 23461 | | Posted: 3:07 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009 | |
I don't know if i am supposed to post in this section but I had an affair with the husband of a couple my husband and I were good friends with.
What was going through my head when I had the affair? Me. Purely selfish.
She really didn't pop up in my head much at all in the beginning and in fact I tried to justify the affair by diminishing our friendship "Oh she doesn't call me anymore" "or I don't really have that much in common with her" "I have more in common with OM" "she doesn't really like me as a person" "I don't think she really loves him" " "she still pines for her former boyfriend". These statements were exaggerations from what the truth really was. I was fooling myself to justify my actions.
I did start to feel guilty as it became more physical and was devastated when she found photos of me on his IPhone. I felt ashamed and remorseful. She didn't deserve for this to happen to her and I give my former friend her space now out of respect (our kids are in the same school). I wish i could have found that respect for her and myself before the affair.
The OM and the former friend and I have been at NC for 5 months and it will stay that way. I am sorry to lose two great friends from this but we are all moving on in our lives.
I am sorry it has happened in your life also.
FWW - Me (42)
BH- Him (40)
Met '94, Married '96.
3 kids DS 13, DD, 8, DD 6.
D-Day December '08.
Status: Reconciling
Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest | always learning
♀ Member
Member # 23461 | | Posted: 3:09 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009 | |
Oops. maybe I wasn't supposed to reply in this section. If someone needs to delete the post you may. And sorry. I didn't mean to break any posting rules.
FWW - Me (42)
BH- Him (40)
Met '94, Married '96.
3 kids DS 13, DD, 8, DD 6.
D-Day December '08.
Status: Reconciling
Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest | funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855 | | Posted: 4:58 PM, May 5th (Tuesday), 2009 | |
always learning,
I'm not sure that you broke any rules, and it really is nice to hear about a WS in this double betrayal situation who feels true remorse for not only what they've done to their spouse, but what they've done to the other party.
(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007 | jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993 | | Posted: 3:02 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009 | |
I agree with funny story! It's nice? that's not the right word-- reassuring?-- to hear that you realize the deep pain you caused to your friend and that you're sorry both to your BS and to your betrayed friend.
Separated, divorcing.
Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place | Simcoe
♀ Member
Member # 23204 | | Posted: 10:26 PM, May 6th (Wednesday), 2009 | |
OMFG! I had no idea this happened to other people!
Short story is I met this girl about a year ago who seemed to have a lot in common with me. We hit it off and became friends.
She pretty much immediately began getting way too drunk and passing out here. When I mentioned it to WH, he accused me of being insecure.
Lots of stuff happened, but it all culminated in me finding her and him in my bed cuddling. As far as I know, there was no actual sex, but what I saw will never leave my mind.
She's married too and now WH is crying the blues to her husband and carrying on like we've never been married. When I was out of town a few weekends ago, I found out she stayed here and returned to find her in my husband's clothes.
It took me a few days to confront her after I saw her hitting on my FIL at DD's birthday party. It takes me a long time to learn.
I don't have the energy to write out my whole story, but that's it in a nutshell.
Posts: 379 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Ontario | wiswounded
♀ Member
Member # 23928 | | Posted: 10:34 AM, May 8th (Friday), 2009 | |
I met the OW last summer when she and her H were looking for friends to hang out with in the area they were building their cabin. She approached me first, needing a friend. We did a lot of things together and when her H and her started to have problems, she turned to me for support. I gave it, even inviting her to stay overnight at my house, go shopping, lunch, movies etc. I listened to her complain about her relationship and helped her in her decisions to divorce. Last December, she abruptly cut off contact with me and I had no clue why. Now I do. Oddly, she once told me that outside of her sister, she really didn't have any "women" friends and was grateful for my friendship. I guess other women could see the true nature of her heart and didn't trust her. How blind was I? It turns out she got all the support she needed from my WH. Never trust a woman who has trouble making female friends.
XBW - Me
XWH - Creep I used to be married to
Divorce 7-13-09 (State of WI fastest)
"You cannot stop the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you CAN stop them from building nests in your hair"
Posts: 822 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Wisconsin | Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576 | | Posted: 11:36 AM, May 8th (Friday), 2009 | |
she abruptly cut off contact with me and I had no clue why. Now I do. Oddly, she once told me that outside of her sister, she really didn't have any "women" friends and was grateful for my friendship.
OH MY GOD. That was the SAME story as me, but with a twist - she said that my FWH and I were the only friends she had and whom she trusted. She had a lot of male "friends" - her female friends came and went. And like you said, now you know why. Then she wrote to me one day out of the blue and said "I'm not comfortable with the three of us being friends anymore" - and went on to "tell the truth" about her emotional connection to FWH. Yet she still thought it was just fine to continue contact with him. No joke. Now, 2 years later, she says she's changed and just does not understand why I am still mad at her. Again, no joke.
Wow...there are some real winners out there, huh?
Hugs to you wiswounded, I feel your pain and I'm sorry that you too were betrayed by someone you thought was your friend. It's hard enough building trust back in a M, but then it really screws things up when you meet new women as potential friends. Honestly, I still really don't have any - I have acquaintances - and they've never met my FWH.
Lala
Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-29 & 25
3yo GS & 6 mo. GD(DD29) and 1yo. GD(DD25). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.
Posts: 4398 | Registered: May 2007 | wiswounded
♀ Member
Member # 23928 | | Posted: 12:08 PM, May 8th (Friday), 2009 | |
Lalagirl,
Thanks for the reply. My STBX and I will not be reconciling. He moved out of the house on D-Day, I made some calls to mutual friends and they told me about her. He moved in with OW on May 1. He has no interest in MC. He told me he would just walk in and refuse to participate so we are divorcing. All kids are grown so that helps. I just feel more anger toward her than him right now for some reason. So do my other friends. They are positively venomous when her name comes up.
XBW - Me
XWH - Creep I used to be married to
Divorce 7-13-09 (State of WI fastest)
"You cannot stop the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you CAN stop them from building nests in your hair"
Posts: 822 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Wisconsin | Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576 | | Posted: 1:03 PM, May 8th (Friday), 2009 | |
((((((wiswounded))))))
I'm so very sorry.
Of course you're angry and have every right to be! IMO, he will see one day what he lost and will have serious regrets. If he did this to you after your history together, I can almost guarantee he will do it to her.
My daughters (grown), people I know, many hate OW too. They know her and what she is like.
Again, I'm really sorry and we're here for you.
Hugs,
Lala
Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-29 & 25
3yo GS & 6 mo. GD(DD29) and 1yo. GD(DD25). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.
Posts: 4398 | Registered: May 2007 | wiswounded
♀ Member
Member # 23928 | | Posted: 2:31 PM, May 8th (Friday), 2009 | |
Thanks for the hugs Lala,
I suspect that the OW will get what she deserves. My STBX told me he discovered they had "so much in common". Now, I know her too and to me, what they have in common is self-absorption and the fact that they are both carbon-based life forms. She is everything he told me he disliked in a woman. Or at least that's what he told me when we were dating. She's not much like me I must say.
Anyway, with the help of a therapist and supportive friends and family, I'm doing my own post-separation 180, just for me. I will be the strong, confident, independent woman I once was. In fact, I will be even better. I will not stoop to her level EVER. I will not let him see my pain and as for her...NC. She does not exist for now.
I still have a lot of legal stuff to deal with and so far, I've been pretty neutral, not betraying any weakness there.
After 17 year though, its hard to lose my WH. He was the person I thought was my best friend. That's harder than losing my husband to me I guess.
wounded
XBW - Me
XWH - Creep I used to be married to
Divorce 7-13-09 (State of WI fastest)
"You cannot stop the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you CAN stop them from building nests in your hair"
Posts: 822 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Wisconsin | | Topic Posts: 981 | |
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