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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wewillbeok - In all honesty, what you said was a "trigger" for me but I know it was not said to hurt me or anyone on this site. I appreciate your apology but be sure no offense was taken. We are trying to understand one another. That is what is most important here. And actually, by making that statement, it helped me to respond and put into words for myself and my H what it was like from my perspective during those long, cold years. When I showed my H my response it brought tears to his eyes. He is a good man too who went very far astray. It is a painful journey for all involved and both the WS and BS must be fully committed to R in order to repair the M. I am glad for you and your H that R is going well. Every success is a sign of hope for all of us. Again I want to thank you for your honesty and attempt to help those of us here see things from the perspective of the OP.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lookingforpeace
♀ Member
Member # 13872
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had his affair with my sister. She lives across the street from me. We have kids that play/hang-out together daily. This has been a monumental blow for me. My WH and I are trying to R and we are certainly having our ups and downs. I am not a crier, but I have cried more in the last 1 1/2 months than I have in my entire life. Many times over nothing more than my thoughts. Can certainly go on and on about the ugly, spiteful things that went on, but really looking for any positive feedback I can find. The negative needs no help at all.


Untouchable

Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
Autumn leaf
♀ Member
Member # 13987
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wewillbeok,
Thank you for sharing your perspective, that took guts. I can't imagine the pain and situation that al parties find themselves in when the A involves relatives. Betrayed friendships can be severed, but family is forever.

Again thank you for sharing, I do hope that you have continued progress in healing.


Me: BS 41
Husband: WS 38
OW:now ex-friend 49 deceased
D-Day #1 02-10-2007
D-Day #2 when he fessed up who he was really with: 02-18-2007
Started reconciliation 2/25/2007

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Autumn leaf
♀ Member
Member # 13987
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,
I am in the double betrayal category too.
My friend and her husband and daughter were friends of ours for over 10 years. Putting one of her male "friends" before her husbands needs and feelings and later drug abuse caused her marriage to dissolve . Thru this we remained friends to both and offered her emotional support as she had convinced us that her H was being the bad guy (since then we know different). During their separation and before th divorce papers were drawn, the H was killed in an auto accident after a visitation with his daughter. We gave our friend and daughter who was like a niece to us emotional support and gifts and helped her with the upkeep of her home.
None of it ever out of pity, we truly were trying to help they are in a situation where they may file bankruptcy and lose their home.
 
I had sent my H down a few times to help out with her home chores that she didn't know how to do. On one of those trips, while I was away visiting friends on a trip my H approached her for sex and she did not hesitate to reciprocate, it seemed she was waiting for it and expected it. I suspect she may have been baiting him subtley (showing skin ect.) from what I have pieced together during H and I's long discussions for the truth. He owns his own shit in this ( as do I for the things that I own that could have been better in our marriage).
 
What kills me about her part in this is that I was hardly a stranger to her , she even said she knew it was wrong but didn't care. And thru the whole 4 mo. A, she would hug me , tell me how much she loved us and thanked me for all that we do. She even had told me about this great new guy she was thinking of starting a relationship with…I didn't know it was my H !
Later in their A she started trying to plant a bug in his ear about leaving me, remarking how awkward it would be that if we separated or divorced and he was with her and us all being at the same events we go to all summer. Trying to feed his discontent with me by agreeing with him and adding a few comments of her own…   WTF….what did I ever do to her to make her want to displace me in my marriage?
I can certainly see her situation as being desparate … but I cant get past the fact that to an extent she took advantage of him in his moment of weakness, she could have sent him packing, I really feel that my marriage and myself has been attacked. Don't get me wrong, I am pissed at my H and devastated by his actions my X friend never made any vows to me.
 
3 mo. Later my H and I are reconciling…. Strangely , I have not grieved for a lost friendship, I realize there really wasn't one and I did gain some level of closure by sending her a written letter that allowed me to tactfully speak my mind and to notify her of NC.  The last potential stumbling block lays ahead in June as I may be in the anger stage by then and we will be at a weekend event where theres a good chance she will be there too and it happens to be our 17th wedding anniversary. So we will be forming a game plan shortly and hope for the best.
 
I really feel for you all in this double betrayal situation, its easy to feel like a chump. I try to remember that it doesn't take away from me that I was a good friend to this person and that I shouldn't feel bad or angry with myself for trying to help someone.
 
(((((Hugs for you all)))))


Me: BS 41
Husband: WS 38
OW:now ex-friend 49 deceased
D-Day #1 02-10-2007
D-Day #2 when he fessed up who he was really with: 02-18-2007
Started reconciliation 2/25/2007

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Massachusetts
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wewillbeok,

Once again I would just like to thank you for putting yourself out here like this.

It is helping me in more ways than you can imagine.

Thank You

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all here,

I would like to extend a hand to someone here and thank them for stepping up and trying to help others here. Wewillbeok, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for thoughts and your help. I said it last week when I seen this, It takes alot of guts to step up and take the questions that have been put in front of you.

I do wish there were more of them like you that would step up to plate and take the responabilty that they should have and have decidided not to.

Thank you once again and I do love you for doing that.

[This message edited by tore_up at 5:46 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)]


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
betinkers
♀ Member
Member # 11386
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the double betrayal catagory.

FWH had a 11/2 year A with out neighbour. We are moving, but as with everything it takes ages.

I'm really confused at the moment, she seems to have decided that it's time to get back out on the street and it feels very provocative to me.

During the A, she would draw me into discussion about her BH (she'd already had two pervious As), if he didn't want her to do something etc, she would appeal to me about it - at least two or three times, she was effectively getting me to encourage her going off for nights away with my FWH.

It feels like she's trying to draw me into something again. My FWH tends to stay away from the front of the house and he'll keep the curtains drawn if I'm not downstairs - he doesn't want to see her, or her BH.

The other day, she took her nets (that went up straight after d day) down. SO now we can see right into their house. We've got blinds so I can either live in darkness or look into their window from our lounge.

She's spending alot of time looking out the window, or fiddling with flowers on the window sill.

What's going on? Has anyone else had anything like this? If everything goes smoothly, we're hopefully only 5/6 weeks away from moving - she doesn't know that though.

Why has she suddenly stepped up the provocation? She was doing stuff like that a few months ago - parking right outside our house, leaving the house when FWH was loading his car to go to work, but it had all died off a bit.

I don't get it Anyone any idea of what is going on. It's pushing me back to a place I don't want to be.


Me: BS 37
Him: WH 37
Reconciled - we even have a new cute little baby girl
D day 06/06/2006

Posts: 1305 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: uk
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Wewillbeok,

I understand now that I am trying to find out if there could possibly be any caring for me by the FB's that were so-called friends.

I know that during the affair(s) my feelings really weren't even a blip on their radar screens, but I keep hoping that I DID matter to them in some fashion. I guess I'm just trying to make myself feel better by hoping that they did value me.

WS and I were talking this morning and I told him it would be good to at least get an apology letter from one of them. WS said not to count on it because I told them never to contact us again. But you know.....wewillbeok wrote one to her SIL never expecting to get a response. And that my friends is the sign of a very, very brave and remorseful person. I would love to get one just to help re-establish my faith in my fellow human beings.

During IC I told my counselor that no one had yet to tell me they were sorry for what they had done to me (including WS. He apologized but that is not the same as coming out and saying "I am sorry...."). Ya know something....my IC told me he was sorry this had happened to me. He also was a survivor of infidelity so he knew what I was going through.

I just need/want to know that I did matter to them. That they did feel shame/hurt/guilt for having sex with my husband and then pretending to be my friend. That some part of them was being eaten alive with the knowledge that they had betrayed me at the deepest level and were continuing to lie to me.

The YUCK factor is pretty high for me with the knowledge that they (the FB's) had an idea of what WS looks like naked and how he acts having sex. But according to WS, he just used them for vaginal masturbation and wasn't interested in pleasing them. Totally different with me .

On a different topic.....we need to recruit some other WS's that would be willing to help us. I feel we are getting close to hurting wewillbeok by making her relive all this stuff. Can anyone else go over to the Wayward Forum or ask a Mod to find more WS's for us to get help from?

Wewillbeok , again thanks so much for helping us. It has helped me some and gives me hope. {{{{hugs}}} to you and your family and tell your BS about us. We would welcome him with open arms just like we did you. Wine and cookies to you my friend.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Brokenheart0306
♀ New Member
Member # 13985
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am here in this double betrayal as well. My WH had a 4 night affair with his brothers wife. My SIL. I never really liked her anyways. My BIL was on his way back from being deployed in Iraq. Nice gift his wife and his wonderful big bro had for him when he got back huh. I hate them both so much right now!


"Don't walk in the sun, if your head is made of wax."

Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: AZ
nurslynn
New Member
Member # 14066
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I`m new here but have been reading for a while. I find it amazing how many of us have similar circumstances. My neighbor/friend began an EA with my H 2 years ago which ended after it was discovered. However, they resumed contact a year later, unknown to me.....A very good friend of mine seen them together in Oct/06...I was devastated....threw him out..we sold our house and have filed for divorce. I have since found out that they were having a PA for the past year. We were married 17 years...have 2 children 13 and 11, who were very good friends with her 2 children. She is married as well...they have seperated as well..the destruction the two of them have caused is beyond comprehensible...and the double betrayal is something that will take along time to get past. They are still seeing each other and my children are devastated and are refusing to see their father. Of course...that is all my fault as I supposedly have turned tham against him...GRRR!!! Can`t they see what they have done and how many lives have been directly affected as a result of their selfishness? I am still recovering and trying to get my life back together...some days are better than others. Forums such as this one have been a life saver for me as I have obtained so much help from others experiences. I just want to say thank you to all of you who have shared your pain.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome nurslynn

I'm so sorry for your pain.

I'm glad you found SI and this group of people who really understand what you are going through.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nurslyn,

Welcome to our group. We limp along a lot but we are a pretty neat group to be with.

Yup...ditto on the collateral damage done to the families. Affairs have got to be the most damaging thing people so willingly inflict on the people they are suppose to love.

WS has likened it to a one-man bulldozer plowing along and not noticing the damage in his wake.

And you know you aren't the evil mom turning the kids against him. And your kids know you aren't the evil mom. So the world is OK. Just keep hugging and loving those kids. You are all they've got right now.

{{{hugs to you}}} and welcome.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
nurslynn
New Member
Member # 14066
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Again....Thanks for the warm welcome. This is not a place I ever thought I would be, but here I am.I have so much to say I could probably write a series of books!! I HATE my former friend and still cannot believe she betrayed me in such a heartless manner....he is just as much to blame...but I truly believe she initiated the A. She is a lowlife skank/whore!! She drives around in her black mustang with a licence plate that reads..."ma ride"...speaks volumes to me!! Her H bought her the car in an attempt to hang on to her after the initial EA was discovered. Alot of good that did. I truly hope that what goes around comes around....and I want to watch it unravel in their faces. I am normally not a vindictive person but this whole thing has brought out the absolute worst in me. You would not believe some of the things I have wished upon them..LOL!!! I hope that someday the rage and resentment dies....but for now it keeps me going!!!

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
Lookingforpeace
♀ Member
Member # 13872
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK so many, many things to deal with – I just need to vent.

My husband and my sister betrayed me. At first, WH wanted to know how I could forgive him and not her. I wish there were an easy answer, but the closet answer I can give is that because my WH has done this before, you could say I expected this type of betrayal from him. But my sister…NEVER. I have told my mother and firmly believe that from the first time she touched him, she stopped being my sister and became just another woman. I have told my H that like there is nothing to be gained or any relationship to be had with the women who came before her, there is nothing to be gained here either. I don’t know if he understands or if anyone else can, but this is clearly how I feel. She is dead to me. At the end I have included a poem I wrote about how I feel for anyone interested.

I had been separated from my family (including this sister) for over 13 years after a major hurricane. They all moved, we stayed behind. My sister who is several years older than me and who was always “my biggest fan” (because I sing). Always wanted to “show me off” to her friends. Always pushing that I should do more with what I have. Always telling me how we needed to move here and be with my family.

Well, after many hard years and previous infidelities, we made that move. It was wonderful. So nice to be in a new place with no more “human baggage” walking around and haunting me over the past. A new home, able to be with my family and celebrate holidays, special occaisions, things we hadn’t done in so many years. We bought the house directly across the street from my sister. BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG MISTAKE!!!!! Now, I have the pain of the infidelity. The sickness of being betrayed by both. The clostrophobia of NEVER getting a break from the reminder!

Day of proof was 2 weeks before my mother’s 70th b-day, who requested a big night on the town with her 4 girls to celebrate. We (my sister and me) had planned that big night, limo, bar hopping, girls sleepover, party everything. Well, due to my past and knowing that there are no women I can trust outside my own family (so I thought), my mother was the only person I could talk to. While I know talking to her was the right thing to do and that no one could offer me the comfort that she could I still feel guilty to this day for doing it. She was so destroyed by what had happened (and rightfully so) that she canceled her birthday altogether. There was NO CELEBRATION at all.

I am angry for the loss of this family that I wanted so much to be back with and share time with. Now everything is so messed up.

Then there is the fact that my WH had this affair while being ED from diabetes (at least I am pretty sure he is). HOW THE HELL DOES A MAN HAVE THE BALLS TO DO THAT??? HOW THE HELL DOES A WOMAN (not to mention, your own sister) BEGIN AN AFFAIR WITH THAT BIG OBSTACLE. Now we are trying to R and for someone who “needed” sex, now has had no interest in over a month. I am well aware of the fact that it could just be me that he’s not attracted to. Also that he can be going through his own issues, but some days, the sheer complexity of it all, is more than overwhelming. My mind is on overload 23/7.

Then I get to hear my sister play her blaring “BOO HOO” music several days a week and almost all weekend long. Squealing wheels out of the driveway, barking at her kids and mine. The whole neighborhood has to know that she is sad or whatever the f--- she feels.

Honestly, I think I am doing amazing considering, but some days I need a place to LET IT ALL GO and again due to the complexity of it, so many things involved and the fact that I do have a heart for the difficult things a WS can be feeling, the ugliness of it all, the intensity of the anger is much to much for me to unleash on him or even my mother as a “shoulder”.

There’s a ghost in my head
Of someone now dead
A face without features
Much more like a creature

It doesn’t seem human
Yet I know it’s a woman
A shape with no frame
What was its name?

It walks my heart’s halls
It begs and it crawls
At times it is praying
What is it saying?

It comes here to haunt me
But it cannot daunt me
It’s there and I see it
But I cannot free it

When blood lines are severed
You don’t pay forever
You don’t pay for months
You only pay once

From a pedestal it fell
To a place they call hell
It’s no more than a shell
I recall its name now, Michelle


Untouchable

Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{lookingforpeace}}}}}

It hurts. I'm sorry she put you through this. I'm sorry WS put you through this.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Lookingforpeace
♀ Member
Member # 13872
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K9

Thank you. Just knowing someone heard me, helps.


Untouchable

Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookingforpeace,
Just try and hang in there. I know and all of us in this group know how hard it is when it happens to us. It seemed like it never happened to anyone else until I found this group. There are over 14,000 people here and there are are only a hand full that know the pain of the double wammy. If you have questions, I think that wewillbeok might have some insight on how to anwser them. She has been a great help with some of the questions here. I must say that I am very proud of her for coming in here and doing what she does.

If you guys have not quite figured it out yet. Wewillbeok is my wife. She cannot say sorry enough to me. She has said it more times than I can count. I must say that she has shown more remorse than I could ask for. The OP on the other hand (I will not call him by his name or brother because he has not acted like one at all). Now that is a whole different subject. He had the nerve to to this but not the nerve to face me. I guess he is to busy being commited to his marraige. Now there is a good joke. This is his third affair on his wife.
I know that he will get his someday. I just hope I am around to see it and then I will be good.

I do hope nothing but good things to each and every one of you here because I know that we have been thru hell and back. We will be ok.

K9 and flipper, You both are good people and dont you ever forget that. Your questions are the same ones that I had after I found out. I am glad the my WW could be of some help.

[This message edited by tore_up at 9:09 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted to say Lookingforpeace that the poem was great. I swiched a couple of the words around and made it a little more me if you know what I mean. I hope you dont mind. It is a very fitting poem for me and what is happening in my head.

Thank you
Tore_up


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
Lookingforpeace
♀ Member
Member # 13872
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tore_up

Thank you. I don't mind at all about the poem. Hope it helps.


Untouchable

Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lookingforpeace - I cannot imagine the intensity of your pain. It is bad enough when the OP is someone you thought was a friend for over 20 years but your own blood - a sister - or in toreup's case, a brother - that is just too painful. I am a little over a year past d-day and the OP in my case is becoming a non-entity. I don't have to see her, deal with her or have any social opportunities with her. It would kill me if I did. She is slowly fading out of my realm of reality and it is bringing me peace. I don't know how that can happen for either of you when it is a family member but I do hope that there is some way for that to happen for you. Hugs and care to you both.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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