Hello all, I'm sorry to be in here with you and I'm sorry that all of us have reason to be in here.
I have been posting on SI since shortly after my D-Day, and I thought that it was about time that I popped in here.
OW was my best friend and adopted family member. My kids still ask after her and her kids, and we have to constantly reiterate with them not to call her Auntie anymore. (Anyone who loved them wouldn't do what she did.) I loved and often baby sat and cared for her daughters. I've invited them all for sleepovers and OW would stay at my house for as long as nearly a week at a time for "fun".
OW and WH began their A while my son was undergoing the most active phase of treatment for his leukemia. I had to stay in a hospital 6 hours from home with my DS for about 10 months.
WH and my other DS's stayed home and visited on weekends so that way WH could work and we could afford to live. OW babysat my children while WH worked.
I could understand an A of loneliness between them, but they were both so horribly nasty. WH has since D-day recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, and I realize that during the time when I was away with my son he literally saw me as nothing but a critical, insane, abusive hag of a woman. I was going through hell yes, but there were a lot of good things that he selectively does not remember. Eventually I became quite abusive towards him because he was incredibly neglectful to my ill son and myself and our basic human needs and rights were being compromised at his apparently willing hands. (IE food, clothing, shelter etc.)
WH also began picking fights and using every hurtful technique in the book so that way he could run to OW, say how horrible I was and how horrible he had it and receive her sympathy and get his knob polished in return.
However, much of what he was actually telling OW was outright lies and exaggeration. She was my best friend for years and she should have known right away that he was exaggerating, this person he was describing was NOT me, and she could have come to me any time. However, OW apparently had had feelings for him for years and she saw him as her one chance for happiness and stability- something she's not had much of.
Eventually, WH and I separated because of the hopelessness of the situation and my desire to be there for my son. WH and his abuse and neglect was too much of a distraction and my son was needing me for his very survival.
OW's BH eventually found out about the A and OW played the abused wife card to me. Both WH and OW sicced me on her BH. I backed them both up, OW had a nervous breakdown, and I was her biggest champion and defender from afar. OW's BH eventually began harassing me. He was trying to determine if I knew about the A, but seeing as I didn't he decided not to tell me and when I threatened criminal harassment charges against him he left me be.
OW and WH continued, although occasionally WH would still try with me and he was certainly still sleeping with me.
After OW's BXH kicked her out (She left to a shelter for abused women initially. how quaint.) I invited her to live in my home as WH was then coming over to stay with me and DS as I was on the verge of mental breakdown.
OW lived in my home for months, slept in my bed. I'm still finding her hairs in my home and laundry. I'm still finding remnants and pictures that her daughters drew for me and it hurts terribly.
When my family returned home, OW was in her own place finally and WH and I decided to give our relationship another try now that we were living together as a family again.
OW and I became inseparable again. I did not share any details of WH's and mine's attempt at reconciliation however. I don't know why, I guess I viewed it as private and things were certainly rocky.
WH at this time unbeknown to me was feeling terribly guilty. He COULD NOT accept the fact that I was changing for the positive through IC. So much of his justification for who he was and what he did was based on the fact that he thought I deserved it. Our reconciliation attempts frequently went sour and I never knew why. It hurt me terribly that he'd be fine one day, then the next he'd be distant, sulky, and he'd pick fights. He'd also disappear for long-ish periods of time while doing chores to go on "dates" with her.
WH and OW only began having sex after WH and I were R'ing, and OW and I were frequently together. WH would pick a fight, run to her and have sex with someone that was telling him that he was perfect, he should never have to change, he should come number one in his life etc. Nevermind the fact that his actions literally were having potential life and death consequences on his children.
OW at this time began aggressively pursuing me sexually (We're both bisexual.) as I was "single". Her persuits of me coincided with the times that WH and I were R'ing, although I never told her. WH did though of course.
I rejected her because I cared about her too much to jeopardize our friendship, and that's when she began pursuing my WH doubly so. I think she honestly wanted both of us as she said she had considered a polygamous relationship with us, but when she realized I wasn't an option it became a competition.
She was constantly putting me down, but at the same time she was copying my every move. Even her own family noticed that having a conversation with her was like having a conversation with me.
She stole literally everything from me. Copied everything, in an attempt to win my WH because he would never guarantee a future with her. Even when he was certain that he and I would never have a chance, he never promised her anything and he said I came first, period.
OW coped with WH's relationship with me by being "supportive" to both of us. She babysat my kids while WH and I were going to MC, went on dates together, had SEX. Meanwhile, behind the scenes she told WH that she would wait however long it took for him to tire of trying with me, even if it took years. WH always had a sympathetic (self-serving) backup that knew how horrible he really was and accepted it. It was hard to compete sometimes and it's no small wonder that he would pick fights and run to her.
In the meantime, OW continued to accept lavish gifts from me (Like a washer, food, girly nights etc.) and impose upon my hospitality. When she was having problems with my WH, she would run to me citing one of her "episodes" and stay at my house so that way her children could be cared for. I of course put my needs on the back burner to make her feel better for the sake of her children who I loved very much.
During this time of course WH and OW would steal little moments away to "connect". Once they even brought my ill son along and OW's excuse was "Who's he going to tell?" because he's 2. This was "her baby" mind you, who she professed to love so much.
D-Day eventually came. I accidentally happened upon something that she'd written about my WH. I'm not sure it wasn't deliberate. She'd threatened outing the A with WH many times, and she constantly made double entendres and allusions to my DH, but because we were all such good friends I thought nothing of it. She even suggested using WH as a sperm donor. Fantasies about babies, you name it.
The night before D-Day she was woe-ing to me about her cervix, she was having issues common to pregnancy.
After I read what she wrote I put 2 and 2 together, called my WH to come pick me up (I'd been having a girly sleepover at her house- my treat of course.) and I confronted my WH who confessed.
I wish I could cut her completely out of my life but I can't.
WH and I had 10 people to our wedding. OW was one of them. She's the legal witness on our marriage certificate. Either her or her children are in virtually all of our family photos for every holiday and birthday. My son's cancer journal that I maintained for him has her heavily throughout it. I posted pictures of him just for her to see.
I shared everything with OW. Her betrayal actually hurts worse than WH's in a lot of ways because WH has finally had his mental health issues diagnosed and addressed since D-Day. OW was just a horrible, nasty, rotten, user and abuser.
WH and I are R'ing, but my life is so, so tainted by this A.
OW is of course playing the victim since D-Day. We're "harassing" her. (3 phone calls in 3 weeks I believe, one to end it, one to ask for our stuff back, one where I "forgave" her plus two e-mails in regards to confirmation of potential pregnancy which she refused to give.) We can't even find out whether or not she's pregnant because of threatened legal action. We'll be hiring a PI around the appropriate time frame for a bump.
I can't believe that this is my life.
On the plus side, R efforts are going well. My WH has been diagnosed with Aspergers and so many of our problems are traced easily to Aspergers behaviors.
I'm sure OW thinks that WH is staying with me out of obligation, but he's so in love it's almost painful to watch sometimes. He has to live with the pain of what he's done to our family and it would be so much easier for him to run away than to face the consequences of his actions.
He practically worships the ground I walk upon right now and we're working so hard and so successfully on building something new that's better than we've ever had before. It doesn't hurt that the sex has been frequent and spectacular. (It was a big issue in our previous relationship, and he only slept with OW 4 times and it was terrible. He even said my name once. Take that OW!)
What a club to join, I can't believe this is my life.