My ex slept around with whoever, whatever, heck I think she's do a tree for $5. But the kicker, when she started spreading nasty lies about me when her family caught on, was when I kindly directed her Father and her Brother to take a closer look at her then current fling. Actually, he's still there just experiencing what I did for years (she's still running around)....She's shacked up with Her sister-in-laws brother. Same dude we used to see at family functions....What trash.Guess that's what we call "keeping it in the Family"
it's been 1 1/2 years out from D-Day, sometimes I feel I'm making good progress others I feel like what the hell-it will never go away. I can say that not one day has passsed that I do not think about the betrayl-some days it's just a quick thought-other days is a long hard look at all the details and the pain, and how it has affected me as a person. my husband is very remorseful and tries to be supportive but he can never know the pain and loss of trust and at times hope. I try to be resonable and forgiving but sometimes truly hate him and her as well. she of course (the ow) has moved on with her husband and had a baby, I'm probably not even a thought, i still cry atleast once a week (on a good week)-and have dreams and suffer some isolation because of my embarrassment about the event I have stopped association with some of my friends--it's just too embarrassing to face them-I am suspicious of new woman that come into our lives and find I keep my distance. I've been working very hard to overcome these feelings but find I often am unable to shake the feelings of shame and insecurity. Even on good days I hurt alittle. Progress is slow. I am so sorry for snyone this has happen to-it is truly one of the worse experiences and breaks you so far down it takes forever to come back up.Sending out love to all my SI friends-don't give out, don't give in, don't give up
..just read your recent post and wanted to let you know that how you are feeling is so typical..loss of trust in friends and mistrust of new people who come into your life..
..i too, took a closer look at my friendships and chose to pull back from some..for lots of reasons..but certainly partly because i just became more reclusive..
..i'm also about 18 months out from D-day and i still think about my fWW's A with my fbf..every day..it just doesn't go away..
..mind you, their LTA went on for nearly 20 years, right under my nose and his gf/wife#1 and Wife#2..until i caught them..finally!!!
..it has been, as you've stated, the worst thing ever to happen and the pain is ongoing, relentless, mind-numbing and soul killing..
..we don't like to compare the pain and damage an affair causes, but i still maintain that the 'double betrayal' is way up there on the scale of most devastating..
..compared, say to someone being caught texting a 'Gee, i think you're HOT" on the blackberry to a fellow employee..not that that's easy to fathom for the betrayed spouse!!!
..my fWW and i have been together for over 40 years now and are trying to R, but this situation has presented such difficult hurdles to get over, given the length of their affair and the close friendship through 'so many years' of our lives..
..all this, just to say i hear you and feel your pain and can understand why it's so hard to come to terms with the dreaded double betrayal..your spouse AND your friend..stab you in the back and the front!!
..is it true that misery loves company?? i'm here with you, miserable in the knowledge of what my HS sweetheart/wife did with my fBF for half my life..
..memories/ holidays/ parties, so many occasions and photographs spoiled and tainted forever..
..sadly, there is no chance for a 'do-over'..
..life will never be the same..i will never be the same..
WH, me, OW, and her BH are/were in the same circle of friends and used to do a lot of things together. Our son was good friends with one of their sons as well as a few other kids about his age in that circle.
There's NC with the OW and her BH since the A. Our son misses their son, but I don't see any way that that relationship could go on without bringing OW back into the picture.
I've cut more other people from this circle out than WH has. He's frequently in contact (phone, FB) with his friends (used to consider them our friends) who know about his A but still talk to and hang out with OW as well.
This makes me uncomfortable, but then I feel like a total bitch if I demanded WH give up his closest friends unless they cut OW completely out of their lives too.
I really don't think WS has any feels much but disgust for OW and his A anymore, although he says he wishes they had just stayed friends.
OW's apparent new best friend was someone I considered a friend once and someone I could talk to. (She didn't become good friends with OW until after the A ended.) She also has a son that DS used to see frequently but hasn't seen since. DS has asked a few times when he would see him again.
She posted to WH's FB page (I've removed her as a friend and she can't post to mine) yesterday that her son misses DS. WH posted back that DS misses her son too.
I would love for my son to not lose any of his friends over this; I really feel mean about cutting this out too. But again, if the kids are together, then we're one degree or closer to OW again.
How far out did you cut your ties to remove the OP from your life, especially if you had kids with ties too?
I'm trying to find the line between effective and unreasonable boundaries. Right now, I'm feeling like these would the strongest boundaries:
1. cut out everyone in our circle who knows about WH and OW and still includes OW as a friend
2. still not having DS around the kids of group #1 because of possible interaction (DS or us) with OW
But I feel like these might be too tight to impose on everyone else and might just make things worse.
What a mess. I would so love to move somewhere else and start fresh if that were a possibility.
I feel completely at peace with this choice. I am making a new healthy me and attracting other healthy people into my circle.
I have kept old friends who were in other states far removed from the melee. As most of the OW were either friends or acquaintances of mine...some closer and more manipulative than others, I have only kept 1 friend and her H who live near me.
I still associate with neighbors who I respect and had no dealings or knowledge of the A and my FWH's behavior.
I haven't "imposed" this on us or my family. It just works out that way as you shift your priorities and your focus onto other areas of your life.
I have let everyone else fall by the wayside. My relationships with them weren't adding anything of true benefit into my life. I was wasting too much time on people who were never going to really be there for me when I needed it. Only if they could feed on the drama, and when that ended they went on to the next drama victim elsewhere.
When I see others (not the MOW"S of course) I am cordial but distant.
It works for me.
Now I am living part time in a new place, (for my daughter to attend a specialized school) so it's become even easier to disassociate from the toxicity and to focus on healthy friendships and activities.
When I return home, I focus on my family. It's nice and I feel good about it.
Hope you can find your balance in this mess.
It's not easy. The double betrayal was so difficult....and mine was double x3.
I know it adds an extra element of complications to say the least!
It can be done!
My D Day was yesterday, when i confronted my h about some suspicious craigslist activities. I thought he had been meeting up with strangers for sex... but it was much much worse than that. He had a one night stand with my cousin in the beginning if the relationship, and 2 months before our engagement he had sex with my best friend at our New Year's Eve party in an upstairs bedroom while I was downstairs. Then 2 months ago he had sex at a party with an acquaintance/friend if mine. I am reeling almost worse from my best friend. She and my cousin both were bridesmaids in my wedding. My best friend and I are inseparable and I love her more than anything. How could she not tell me?? How could they help me get ready on my wedding day and stand up for me without dying of guilt? I don't know what to do. I don't think I will ever be able to look her in her face again. She admitted it when I confronted her, my cousin blubbered and denied at and said she was vulnerable and that they didn't actually have sex. My WH says they did, and I believe him. My cousin is dead to me now. This happened within the few first months of my relationship with my WH, knowledge of this could have changed everything and avoided a whole effload of issues.
I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. Tonight we are supposed to go to my friend's Thanksgiving which I look forward to all year long. I don't think I can stand there and smile and enjoy myself without breaking down and losing my mind.
25 years of friendship..some friend..
..and your WH now says there have been more affairs??
..so sorry you are dealing with the horror of the "double betrayal"..
..glad you found SI and we can help you get through this.
Cowards will be cowards and I dragged it out of him.
So Hi new group! /wave
I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.
Me: 52 years old
Him: 50 going on 6
Date of discovery: 20/11/10
Three Kids: 22, 18 & 12
[This message edited by Ellejay at 9:40 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)]
..sorry to find you here, ..if i may ask??..how long had you known the stepmom , and how long had H's father been married to her?
..with 3 years of seperation, do you feel you have regained your focus in life and are on the road to being happy again?
..you don't say u r divorced, but still seperated, yet OW is still 'on the periphery'.. meaning..?? still in the picture..is your H still seeing her??
..do either you or your H want to reconcile???
..your children are young..??
6 y.o. and -----??
..??how old is the OW -stepmom??
..sorry you are still in pain but it seems to be our new 'reality'..a life with pain..
..my dad lived with migrains ..
..the double betrayal does give a certain special twist of the knife..
..love your children, enjoy each and every day you wake up..
..hope you have sought out legal advice and have some support of friends and family..health services.. i hope you are taking care of yourself..?diet, sleep, exercise..do you have a social life? ..are there financial issues still in effect?