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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
bjw65
♀ New Member
Member # 30533
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi somanyyears,
thanks for your reply.

SM 10 yrs. older than H and me. Known her for 22...married to FIL for 21. Been married to WS for 30! OW intimately involved in our lives and "was" godparent to kids...daughter 12, son 7. they do not know, although daughter has some memories of DDay 6 years ago...tragic story, really. WS basically closed up and turned away after FIL passed...grief therapy in form of EA/PA right in front of my sleep-deprived nose...my son was a newborn...I was 43..older mom.

Separated, back together, separated, back together...therapy, pastoral counseling...put my heart on the table, reached out to SM, lots of remorse, but H just stayed distant and closed and now just lives in a coparenting fantasy life. I was willing to do anything to make it work....H gave lip service, but no action...good father, but neither employed...quit my career to raise kids. After 3 years, yes, better, more focus, but very difficult...divorce papers filed finally last month then i had a medical emergency, holidays, busy with active bright fun children. Talk with H everyday, tag team parenting, holidays together...coexisting with lots of history and love, but H heart is closed....pretty painful...can't run away...try to manage the pain and focus on good. Very difficult to look at divorce folder and do anything...i find that i truly only trust my kids, siblings and parents who know not. Lost my inlaw family...H family embraces him (they ALL know), care about me, but i am not in their lives anymore after 25 years of intimate connection. MIL sends presents and sometimes calls and has spent time with H as "grandma"...i have asked many times that i be the filter for contact with my kids, but time passes and then a situation arises...it all brings up panic, flashback kind of stuff..i really just need to call the shots and basically have MIL out of my radar. i struggle with making any kind of committment to anything except my kids lives. nuff for now...too much? double-edged serated knife, double twist, yes...phew...never again! thanks for listening:-)


Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2010
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..bjw65..

..yes, very sad how much of our lives is affected and changed for the worse due to the affair..

..like you said..'lots of history and love'..tough to just walk away from it all, and especially with young kids in the mix!

..wishing you health and as much happiness as is humanly possible under these circumstances for the new year 2011..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4018 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
LisaBrandNew
♀ Member
Member # 30522
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is in PA with my former student/TA (18 yo old at start, just turned 19)-so gross!! She was a troubled girl (coke, cutter, sexually acting out, histrionic). I convinced my 39 yo husband to hire her when she graduated from my High School program this past June (she promised not to sexually act out). I must be the stupidest woman on the planet! She, of course, started sexually acting out toward both male and female employees, including a sexual harassment complaint filed with the DA within the first few weeks of employment. My low self esteem, boundary-less, desperate husband (over the deep end from her flirting with him) decided to lie about her conduct, promote her to manager, then "fall in love," then eventually the PA. All the employees thought her over the top sexual behavior was creepy, but of course, not my husband. What an opportunity! Deep in MLC Fog, left me in Aug. (2 mos. after her hire), still seeing her, and filed for divorce in Oct. Since he left and said he wanted a divorce, I insisted he do so immediately and not try to get me to do it. I wanted him to take responsibility for his destructive choices. The former student was someone who I had tried to help get counseling. I was consistent with strong boundaries and thought my husband would also be an adult with boundaries. She didn't have strong adults in her life. He ended up being a pervert and she is acting out with him. I think I will steer clear of such damaged people from now on.


Finally living the life I was meant to live.

Posts: 806 | Registered: Dec 2010
armywife227
♀ New Member
Member # 30482
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know where to turn. Will I go to hell for not forgiving my SIL and ex bff for attempting to and coming close to stealing my husband?? It's not even so much that she tried to steal him--he's amazing--I'm not surprised she fell for him...but it's the betrayal, the lies, the looking into my face and acting like she was helping and listening and wanted what was best for me. I can't stop rethinking it all over and over.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Missouri
wordsfail
♀ Member
Member # 30289
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will I go to hell for not forgiving my SIL and ex bff for attempting to and coming close to stealing my husband?? It's not even so much that she tried to steal him--he's amazing--I'm not surprised she fell for him...but it's the betrayal, the lies, the looking into my face and acting like she was helping and listening and wanted what was best for me. I can't stop rethinking it all over and over.

God...do I know ALL ABOUT THIS.

The mind movies will be enough to drive you up and down the walls. If they persist to the point of making it difficult for you to sleep, or becoming so distracted you feel like you're losing your mind...PLEASE get yourself to a doctor that will prescribe some medication to assist you while you navigate your way through this total MESS.

My God...if I had to see her again...I seriously don't know what I would do. i don't know HOW you manage it. Kudos.

Take very good care of yourself.

WF


SHE/ME: 40's
WSO: 40's
OW: x-BF, 30's
Met 11/06. Moved in 1/08. Engaged 8/09. EA 11/09. PA began ??. My Mom died 12/09. DD 2/8/10. WSO is with x-BF now. My Dad died 12/10.

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: wish I knew
countryboy
♂ New Member
Member # 30542
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the same boat as everybody else on this thread. My WW had a LTA with a close friend of mine. You can see the whole story in my profile. She has shown little remorse and is heading right back to her old ways again even after MC.

OM is at every social function we have. He does not cause any trouble but I really do not feel I should give up my friends and family because of WWís stupidity. Has anyone else ever had to face this type of situation and how did you deal with it?


BS- me
WS- her
M- 18 years
DD1- 7/04
DD2- 3/10
DD3- 2/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Texas
Anotherworld
♀ New Member
Member # 30667
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the first time that I have told "my story". My husband and I have been together for 14 years. I found out 6 months ago that he was having A with my twin sister. It lasted 3 weeks and he hasn't has contact with her in the last 5 months. When does it get easier...to breathe. Not only do I have to "grieve" the loss of what I thought was a great marriage but I am also mourning the loss of my sister, my best friend. How do I cope. I am posting this because I have mo where else to go. I had to people I trusted in my life and now they are both "different" to me. If I had a problem with DH I would talk to my sister, and vise versa. Now, I am left dealing with this awful thing all by myself and I don't know where to start. Thank you for reading my story....although, as I am sure you all know, that isn't the whole story. It would take a novel to write it all out. I want to save my marriage...but how do I?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2011
boston12
♀ New Member
Member # 30781
DOH!  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep-- double betrayal- I thought I had a "close family" friend. All you would want in a girlfriend, plan trips, grocery shop together, buy my kids presents- plan my kids birthday parties (that was strange).. all just ways to get with my husband... and to do behind my back-- then to top it off- they accused me of being a total whack job when I figured out they were "not just friends". I not only lost all my friends, but the respect from people in the community-- because he was the football coach, and she was the oh so wonderful team mom. I guess my WS can say he had a team mom with benefits-- kinda sick if you think about it.

Who can face a person almost daily and smile and ask for "advice", or "help" planning events, fund-raising, while she sleeps with your husband.

I don't get it- its a extremely selfish sick thing to do.

Have yet to ever trust anyone again- and will not ever trust my WS. I was stupid enough to believe him for two years that it was just an EA, the D-DAY two years later-- he had to relieve himself of the guilt- and tell me my worst nightmare.

Ive been trying for four years to build a 20+ year marriage back up-- dont know anymore if I really can..


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
boston12
♀ New Member
Member # 30781
DOH!  Posted: 10:29 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep-- double betrayal- I thought I had a "close family" friend. All you would want in a girlfriend, plan trips, grocery shop together, buy my kids presents- plan my kids birthday parties (that was strange).. all just ways to get with my husband... and to do behind my back-- then to top it off- they accused me of being a total whack job when I figured out they were "not just friends". I not only lost all my friends, but the respect from people in the community-- because he was the football coach, and she was the oh so wonderful team mom. I guess my WS can say he had a team mom with benefits-- kinda sick if you think about it.

Who can face a person almost daily and smile and ask for "advice", or "help" planning events, fund-raising, while she sleeps with your husband.

I don't get it- its a extremely selfish sick thing to do.

Have yet to ever trust anyone again- and will not ever trust my WS. I was stupid enough to believe him for two years that it was just an EA, the D-DAY two years later-- he had to relieve himself of the guilt- and tell me my worst nightmare.

Ive been trying for four years to build a 20+ year marriage back up-- dont know anymore if I really can..


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
betrayed13
New Member
Member # 30563
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still sort of "in the dark," but I caught my H rubbing my sisters (who is 13 yrs older) thigh under the table during a poker game. He was drunk (and was also using prescription narcotics behind my back), and she was sober. So of COURSE I believe more happened, but I don't know for sure! Both deny. Trying to R w/WH, but how do you do that if you don't know the truth. Sister is NC. (she is also an addict, liar, etc). SHe was going behind our backs asking each of us about our M, sex life, etc!!! He claims he thought she was just trying to help w/his addictions (she has her social work degree). Yeah right, she HANDED Him pills!!! In the phone records, there are txts back and forth, always from her 1st, and they never hid those. But same night as the flirting/footsie, she gave him a backrub right in front of me! I thought, "Now, don't look into it too much. They would NEVER do that." My sister in law thinks more happened, but I don't know what to think when both deny and my sister NEVER apologized. He came crawling back, BEGGING me back. He is now in treatment for the alc. and pills. So far, he is following thru w/it, but my mind keeps wondering. If they would do THAT in front of me, I can't imagine what else they have done behind my back. Though they never really had any alone time together, so who knows. Physical pain would feel better than this. I would rather someone beat the S&%t out of me than put me through this emotional pain....I feel for ALL of you!


Me: 28
PWH: 32
Married: 3.5 yrs
Together: 10 yrs
Friends: 13 yrs
Children: 18 month old son
Still "in the dark"
Binge alcohol and occasional pill popping on his part behind my back

Posts: 17 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ex-BFF
♀ New Member
Member # 30142
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had an EA with my best friend; it lasted 2 months before I found out; looking back I know that at least my WH had a conscience...I knew something was bothering him, making him sad, but he wouldn't tell me what...never knew anything with her...she carried on the same way she always did, right to my face, what a clever little actress!


BS Me (49)
WH (51)
Married 24 years
2 DD (19, 14)
1 DS (22)
Dday 11/10/10 EA with my "Best friend across street"
Second Dday 12/26/10 Merry Christmas!

Posts: 45 | Registered: Nov 2010
Ex-BFF
♀ New Member
Member # 30142
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And my kids keep asking when we are going to stop "being mad" at our friends across the street; they were friends with this couple too...they keep asking "why can't you just make up?" I keep telling them to ask their father...


BS Me (49)
WH (51)
Married 24 years
2 DD (19, 14)
1 DS (22)
Dday 11/10/10 EA with my "Best friend across street"
Second Dday 12/26/10 Merry Christmas!

Posts: 45 | Registered: Nov 2010
left4dead2day
♀ New Member
Member # 31001
Shocked  Posted: 1:35 AM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

January 18, 2011- I was left 4 dead.

My 26 yr. old son called me before 6am and said that him and his wife, age 25, had to talk to me. When they arrived, my son said his wife had something to tell me. I was not prepared for what come out of her mouth. She stated that my husband (of 34 yrs, will be 35 in Sept). Had been seeing each other for about a month. She said that they had not had sex, just kissing. I felt as if I had left the earth and my mind could not wrap around what I had been told. No this cant be! This is some Jerry Springer SH#T. This is not something that would happen in my family.
Iím CRAZY in LOVE with this man! My husband and I were so close ( at least I thought we were), we did everything together. On Saturdays we drank coffee at the barn on the swing that he made for me. Just the week before we were talking about how awesome it was to have a wonderful marriage and not worry about the other one cheating. He lied! He was seeing my BEAUTIFUL daughter in law! I love her so much, she is like a daughter to me. I cant and will not stop loving her, but Iím VERY hurt by what they allowed to happen.
My heart hurts so bad for our son. His marriage was rocky before it even
started. I cant even imagine what he is feeling. His own father betrayed him.
Who does he have to talk to about what has happened? Iím sure he wish things were different so he could go to his Dad at the lowest time of his life.
He cant because his own father caused the pain in his heart. Our son feels as if his dad used his 2 child to get to his wife, Of course my husband said NO. Iím having a really hard time with the fact that my husband has hurt our son. This is my baby, my youngest and only son. I want to protect him from the evils of this world, but how do you do that when its your own husband, and his father that has caused this evil?
Our oldest child, our daughter age 31, is a single mother of 2 beautiful daughters. She is so embarrassed by what has happened that at this time she has nothing to say to her father. She has always been a Daddyís girl. She is so disgusted by what he has done. She feels like she has be abandoned, if her father would hurt her brother than would he be there for her if she needed him?
When my husband came home, he told me how sorry he was and he just donít know what happen. He cried like a baby. He said they only kissed 3 or 4 times. I asked him if they French-kissed and he said yes. He is an AWESOME kisser, very passionate. To me that was as bad as having sex! He said that it started with friendly texting. Which I thought was great because I tried to have a friendship with my father in law and he hated me.
I told him that he had to be interested in her to keep going to our sons home to see her. He would text me and say he was bringing them candy he had bought at work. He brought me the same candy and I thought I was going to have a break down.
I feel so hurt on every level, as a mother, my husband hurt my son by being with his wife, as a woman because he was interested in a younger women, (Iím 51 yrs. old, husband 53 and daughter in law 25) and as a wife, he cheated and lied. My family was my world. Everything I did was for them.
I feel as if Iím living in a nightmare and cant wake up! I would have left the night he told me but my car is broke down. Husband is going to fix it this week end. Iíve been married to this man since I was 16. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. Where do I go from here? Iíve tried to make arrangements to go stay with my parents in another state., but OMG, I donít want to live with them! Iím even trying to buy a mobile home, in the same state as my parents, to live in. My younger sister will be my roomy.
When I told my husband that I wanted to get my own place for awhile,
He said he was going to let the house we bought just go back to the bank.
I know he means it but I also feel it is a way to try to make me stay. Almost like he wants to use this to MAKE me stay. I told him Iím not sure if I will divorce him or not.
I love this man so much and I tried to show him daily. I would set his uniform, long johns and socks on the chair in our bedroom for the next morning. Set his pajamasí, slippers and towels out in the bathroom. His Supper was cooked when he got home from work. I even made his coffee and gave him his medication in the morning before he left for work. I would even have sex with him when I wasnít in the mood, not because I had to but because I love him so much I would do anything to make him happy. He is a very mannerly man, please, thank you and your welcome is very common in our home. He would also do things for me. It wasnít a one sided marriage. He would bring me coffee in bed, love notes written on paper towels and picked flowers from my flower beds. I thought we had the perfect life and future.
Yet I know now that everything I thought is and was an elusion. When will the fog of this be lifted?


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jan 2011
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

left, I don't even know what to say faced with the pain you must be feeling.

I just want to say that you WILL survive this, and your son will too. Hang in there. Come here and tell us how you are. Try to see a counselor for yourself, and try to get your son to see one as well. This level of betrayal is just horrific.

I wish you the best and send you many, many hugs.


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
121710
♀ New Member
Member # 31124
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so sad to see so many of us can relat to this awful pain. My WH has a SA with my mother for 10 years. Talk about double betrayal. I am thankful I have found this site. It has been a huge help reading, justing knowing I'm not alone in this. I have seperated and I am beginning to understand how to forgive him. We are seperated and I don't know if R is possible. As for her, she has hurt me long enough,(Many issues over the years). I have forgiven her and then had a serious funeral in my mind. She will stay buried. WH, not so easy. WOrking on it.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: wandering
Unhappyladyinluv
♀ Member
Member # 31536
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never.thought that I would end up here, on a cheating message board, and definitely not because my husband of 3 years and step sister who suffers from BPD. In my home with my children. I gave this man everything. Lost myself in the marriage only to have his daughter who caught them in.the.act. She is forever removed from my life. In fact an eturnity in hell isn't close to what I wish upon her. As for him, I'm trying to R. UP until now he has been very loving hide nothing! Showed more then enough affetion
He made me feel like I was the only woman that he could ever want or need until that dirty bitch moved in and speead her legs numerous times. This is a woman that has 4 children and none of them living with her,.shes been demmed unfit by children protective services and our court system. I'm jus tired, stressed out. How can I liv thoudgh?
Sorry my first blog is being done on my smart phone HI


Don't ever give up if you still want to try,
Don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry.
Don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know.
Don't ever say you don't love him if you can't let him go

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: hell
loba_fuerte
♀ New Member
Member # 31606
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, March 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out my husband of 12 years (together 16 years) has been having sex with my sister for 6 years.
She has mental disorder/alcoholism and has had her child taken away, we took her in, we've helped her for years with groceries, rent, rides, doing a lot for her. She's a hardened woman who has never maintained a relationship with anyone and is promiscuous.
Since my husband and I began going out, he's had a "special" relationship with her that bothered me. I'd ask him to put up a boundary with her, but he always said he felt sorry for her and wanted to help her.
I'm a professor, dedicated mom and home-maker and did everything to sexually please my husband (even things I did not want to do or think were right) and keep myself fit and yet I'm the one that had to make dates, initiate sex, etc.
I've asked him the past few months if he's sleeping with her and he would say "you're disgusting for even thinking that of me. You have serious trust issues. Get help" Well, I've been in therapy on and off since we started and he has not.
After finding this out (he told me since I had some proof after snooping in his email for the first time in 16 years) He showed no remorse.
I have realized that I am codependent on "helping" him and I've enabled this abuse to go on by not leaving or setting boundaries long ago.
What happened was not my fault and is solely a reflection of the deep, sick, twisted problems that both my STBX and my sister have.
STBX claims he'll finally get into therapy, but he's not doing any of the things on the list to help the betrayed spouse heal and I think that a man who has this capacity to lie and take advantage of me and hurt our family this way is not ever going to be able to grow beyond this sickness.
I felt like dying at first, the agony of this betrayal almost killed me, but now I am getting my strength back (it's been 2 weeks since I found out) and I want to for our son. I know that with therapy, a support group, friends, a higher power, and this site I can get through it and learn new ways to have relationships and value myself again.
Thanks.


"As you dissolve into Love, your ego fades. You're not thinking about loving: you're just being love, radiating like the sun" -Ram Dass (from his book Be Love Now)
BS: Me (36)
WH (STBX) (38)
Married 16 years
1 DS (4)
Dday 3/8/11:

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
areyouserious
Member
Member # 31642
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is so unfucking-believeable. The fucking balls of some people. I had one of these happen to me recently. How could you do this to people you say you love?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Mar 2011
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..@ areyouserious..

it is just that for all of us here suffering from a double betrayal..

simply "UNFUCKING_BELIEVEABLE"

there is no other way to describe it..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4018 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
areyouserious
Member
Member # 31642
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 4th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How common is this double-betrayal thing? Is it more so than WS being with random people? I would have thought DB meant a family member, it seems any common aquaintance can be considered another betrayal. When it does come down to family- What is the reaction of fellow brothers/sisters toward the guilty party. Does it conflict with your decision to stay with WS? This must be so awful. I could only imagine.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Mar 2011
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