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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Question  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, during some more discussions/Q&A with fWW, some more details of shit the MOM said and did came up. This wasn't TT... just clarifications on stuff we've already talked about. Anyway, it just becomes more apparent to me what a fucking predator my "friend" is/was... my fWW doesn't fully agree with that, as she's still conflicted with that fact taking accountability away from her--I've assured her, it does NOT, but she'll get there eventually, I think.

My problem is that my hatred and vitriol continues to grow for my ex-friend, who I unfortunately still work with (not closely at all, but he sits ~100 feet from me). I've discovered a whole new depth to this pain; it's constant restraint to not walk over there and physically destroy him.

I know this is a so destructive, but I have not figured out how to begin letting go of this pain. Forget the word "forgive"... I just want to get to the point of being indifferent towards him, and not think about all the vial shit he did and said. I know... time... but as someone's sig here says: "Time heals nothing. It's what you do with that time that heals..or doesn't."

So... what do I do with this time... what thoughts or actions can I take to begin letting go of this pain? I talk to fWW about how I'm feeling, and why... and she patiently listens... but what else?


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DWBH
Have you spoken to your ex-friend since D Day? Have you had the opportunity to tell him how his betrayal has made you feel? I don't know if this would help but it may at least let you feel that you've said your piece.

I haven't confronted either of the ex-friends my WH had As with but I don't have to see them every day. One doesn't know I know but when I run into her next I will tell her. The other one knows I know but I have chosen not to speak to her ever again. I think if I was in your situation I would have to say something.

My WH did have several conversations with the BS ( who was one of his best friends) of one of the OW. By the time DDay happened this couple were already divorced so the situation is a bit different. The BS still felt devastated by the revelation ( a third party told him) and confronted my WH. He confessed and apologized to the BS. The BS soupposedly has forgiven him ( I don't know how as I will never forgive either of my ex-friends). Maybe it's different as that relationship is over and he is with someone else now.

I'm rambling. I think all your feelings are totally normal. Are you seeing an IC who can suggest how to deal with your feelings. Is changing jobs a possibility? (I know you should not have to leave your job when he is the one at fault, but it may be best for your sanity).


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notmetoo: thanks for the response... I haven't spoken to him since we went NC on May 4th. I did send a "fuck you, I hate you" type email to him at that point, and it's the last contact. That was after I learned the very basic details of the PA. Since then, I've heard so much more detail of how manipulative and conniving he was, it just disgusts me.

The worrisome part is how it seems to have grown, my hatred for him. I actually couldn't confront him right now, as I'm quite sure I'd get violent (and I've never been in a fight in my life).

I have been to IC for the past 10 months, but think I've "outgrown" my therapist at this point, and may need to find a new one... Thanks for the feedback.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Lethealbegin
♀ Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you have to work so close to him. You are a strong person and a better person that you are not going down to his level. I also just found out more details about the sex that took place in my own home. I just want to rip her head off and his but she was a friend and she violated me on so many levels. Although I know She also is a sick person to do all that she did to me on top of the affair. He is a sick person that malipultived your wife. That is sick. He is a predator. They will have to answer to someone higher then us. Just think all the evil underhanded malipultive things they did to us and our spouses is going to come back to them far worse then anything we could give to them. Maybe we will see it in our lifetime maybe not but it is going to happen. I hope this helps you in some way.
I wish you the very best.


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jul 2011
darkmissey
New Member
Member # 36262
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's really scary how people can be so unbelievably selfish. I am going through hell at the moment from a double betrayal. I am interested to know whether anyone has forgiven a "friend" for this sort of behaviour. it's devastating to lose the friend who should be the shoulder you can cry on when an affair happens

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2012
HillBillie
♀ Member
Member # 35681
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

missey, I sincerely hope you are a bigger person than I am. I cannot forgive either party for what they did to me. I hope they both end up with antibiotic-resistant syphilis, and that the video of the results is posted on YouTube.

And yes, it's doubly devastating when the person whose shoulder you should be crying on is one of the two people you trusted most and who betrayed you. I wish there were a right answer for it, but there just isn't. Do what's right for your healing and know that there are a whole bunch of people here who understand and are more than willing to let you cry on their shoulders.

(((((darkmissey)))))


Me: BS, 40
Him: Future XH, 41
Married 3 years, together 9
Dday: 4/26/12


Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness. -- Terry Pratchett


Posts: 212 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Earth
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am interested to know whether anyone has forgiven a "friend" for this sort of behaviour.

Not even fucking close.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
famof61101
♀ New Member
Member # 36279
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, July 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H I was told to come join this discussion. I can so relate with all of you. My husband of 10 years slept with my bestfriend of 15 years....our kids grew up together we grew up together as adults.....well at least I did. I told her everything and she went behind my back after my hubby (he fell for it) while I was taking care of my sick sister. She was having brain surgery to remove a grade 4 glioblastoma. She was very sick and yet both of them never cared or thought about me while this was going on. Well the sexting started then and when I was home my "awesome" hubby kissed me goodbye and said he was going to the store and ended up at her house sleeping with her. There wasnt really an affair my husband said he wanted to see if it was a thrill like she said it was (she is a cheater has been for as long as I knew her just really didnt think she would ever betray me)after the done deal he was hurt and scared and couldnt believe what he done and she had the nerve to tell him thats cause your not a cheater.....THEN WHY SLEEP WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. I did get revenge tho and there is a long story for that one and I have no remorse whatsoever with that outcome. its hard having 15 years of memories with her and even harder to forget. I cant wait to start the healing process with you all

[This message edited by famof61101 at 1:32 AM, July 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Utah
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just putting my two cents in here, because I can really relate to a lot of what I've read in this thread. I haven't read all of it (I don't have that much time!) but what I've read has really hit home, and moved me.

My WW's affair partner was a good friend, and my discovering their affair was devastating on a number of 'extra' levels, as a result. The friend and his wife live in an area where we'd vacationed occasionally, and that's how the friendship began, a casual meeting when in the area. We really, really hit it off with them, and over the next 4.5 years, our major vacation plans always involved returning to that area to spend time with them and do a lot of hiking, dining, exploring, and just relaxing. Our friends guided us into new hobbies and recreational activities, which I really took to. It seemed I had really found out how to relax, open myself fully to new challenges and opportunities, and I was loving it all! Both WW and I always were so excited about the prospect of going to spend time with our friends again. Turns out her reasons were different from mine...

Now I find that all the things I enjoyed about that geographic location are tainted by the affair, as are all the activities I had taken up and enjoyed there. I can't recall the wonderful experiences of hiking deep into the mountains or desert without triggering, I avoid brazilian and spanish cuisine because I associate them with our times there with our 'friend', I can't look at the old photos of our adventures without thinking of what a fool I was that this affair was going on under my nose and behind my back, I can't even travel to that general area on business without feeling very unhappy.

Fortunately I don't have to see or interact at all with her AP, but I do miss the AP's wife, who was a lovely person, and I do not like the fact that what at the time I was considering the best and most fulfilling time in my life now appears in retrospect to be one large delusion. She took away my "happy place" and I am angry about that still.

Thanks for letting me vent, and for sharing your own sorrows and successes.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
famof61101
♀ New Member
Member # 36279
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate. I cant even travel into town where I grew up knowing she is right around the corner. Im having a hard time wanting to see my sister in Louisanna because last time I went it started. One thing I need to learn is that she needs to stop controlling ,y life and I need to quit letting it happen....im trying to be happy again but I really dont think it will be true happiness till I move far away from here and start new.

I was thinking about something today. How hard it is to be able to make friends since I only have 1 that I fully trust anymore.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Utah
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 28th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..forgiveness is not something bfOM deserves..

hatred, contempt, loathing and ultimate revenge is what he deserves!

..a long, slow, painful death is what he deserves..

..a realization that his parents, brother, wives and 2 sons are ashamed of him for his choices and betrayals..

..his knowledge that he threw away his integity and compromised his profession as a lawyer, using his law firm office, to get my wife to visit, acting as our lawyer, saying she had not initialed a couple of documents in our real estate purchases.

..used emotional blackmail, suggesting what might happen if i were to find out about their A.

..at this time, he had divorced his first wife..

..if only i had known the whole truth, i might have been able to sue his law firm and ruin his career..

..he was truly a predator!

..wanted her only for the bj's he was getting.. nothing more than inflating his ego and power over women.

..the BIG SHOT slick city lawyer.. how pathetic he really was..

..there must be a special place in hell for people like this.

..forgiveness??? ..not in a million fucking years!!!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:26 PM, July 28th (Saturday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4018 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
wolf_heart
♀ Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A true friend would never do this. So, I won't be forgiving her anytime soon. Too many levels of betrayal there. Like making me think she was my friend for 6 years all the while she had a thing for my husband. I honestly think she pretended to be my friend all those years just to spend time with him. Man that has to be good for his ego at the same time it destroys my self-esteem. I now don't think I can trust anyone who is my friend. I honestly suspect them all of secretly putting up with me to spend time around him. It hurts beyond belief. The sting of the betrayal, the loss of trust, the lies, the fact that she told me about the A and not him. There are just too many levels of pain here to be forgiving.
Now beating the crap out of her is something that you never know if it will happen or not. We will see if I have more self control then my WH did. He says he just acted and didn't think. We will see if I think or just wipe the floor with her. I have fantasized about it enough. Just like he fantasized about f***ing her.
She was never a real friend, so no friendship to really go back to.
I feel alone now. The few friends I still have left after this I don't trust. I am alone and empty now. He is still around, but doesn't really open up and talk to me unless I use a crowbar. It shouldn't be so difficult for someone to open up and talk to someone they say they love so much.


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
purplefinch
♀ Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am interested to know whether anyone has forgiven a "friend" for this sort of behaviour.
Not even fucking close.

My thoughts exactly. No way. I cannot even bear to think about breathing the same air as her. I think I would physically attack her if I found myself in close proximity. She is a skanky whore and I hate her. Hate hate hate her.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
Peanut5
♀ Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband betrayed me with our babysitter. I took care of her like my own child. She was very immersed in our family. Vacations....birthday parties. Worked for us to in our business. So hard. Her presence is felt all over my home and business and family. I hate it. I hate her. Horridmperson

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Peanut5
♀ Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband betrayed me with our babysitter. I took care of her like my own child. She was very immersed in our family. Vacations....birthday parties. Worked for us to in our business. So hard. Her presence is felt all over my home and business and family. I hate it. I hate her. Horridmperson

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Peanut5
♀ Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband betrayed me with our babysitter. I took care of her like my own child. She was very immersed in our family. Vacations....birthday parties. Worked for us to in our business. So hard. Her presence is felt all over my home and business and family. I hate it. I hate her. Horridmperson

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
broken03
♀ New Member
Member # 36380
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS and an old friend got together for a time. I found out while I was in a group with friends. I confronted my WS out of the way of others ears. But when he confirmed my fears, I lost it and went after the B!tch. Now all my friends plus their significant others know, and hate the B!tch and my WS. I'm trying to R with WS however I don't think I can ever think about B!tch without seeing red. Now my friends are so down on WS that it is making it hard for us to R. What should I do?


BS- Me 31
WS- Him 33
Years together 8
Years married 2
Dday 7/31/12

Trying to recover, hope to R.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: CT
broken03
♀ New Member
Member # 36380
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot even bear to think about breathing the same air as her. I think I would physically attack her if I found myself in close proximity. She is a skanky whore and I hate her. Hate hate hate her.

Purplefinch. I totally understand. I dream of her death and I dream that I am the cause. I hate feeling that way.


BS- Me 31
WS- Him 33
Years together 8
Years married 2
Dday 7/31/12

Trying to recover, hope to R.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: CT
mattie
♀ Member
Member # 25280
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw Ow this weekend-we were at a function which we attend every year last year she did not attend which was great-but this year when i saw her my heart dropped-I hate that I had to be on the same planet as her much less room. I went to the bathroom -I had been secretly praying I did not run into her--well what do you know she walks into the bathroom. I was fixing my hair and she walks in and says "Hello" -I did not even turn around-I could barely beleive this moment was happening-I've waited for years to give her a piece of mind-and here she was. She spoke and said how she was sorry and put down a note on the counter--I still would not turn to look at her but saw her in the mirror-so much emotion came with just hearing her voice (as it's high and whiny) -this is a public bathroon-people were coming in and out-this was not the place to say what I wanted to say-she sat there for a few moments and once she realized i would not even acknowledge her she walked away-i then took the letter and walked away. Avoiding her each time I saw her and her husband. I feel ok with my response--ignoring her as far as i am concerned was just as good as giving it to her-I won't even give you the satisfaction of hearing my voice-your dead to me . I'm kind of glad it was in a crowded place as opposed to on the street I might just have become provoked to physical action-I think I maintained my cool. She had a nerve to say I looked good--oh really, well thanks--yeah I still managed to keep it to gether and maintain myself after you stabbed me in the back--surprised? In the letter she spoke of how she wished i could know her new baby girl--well interesting since you knew my son-played with him all the time and still ran to a hotel with my husband--please ! My husband thought it was noice of her to try to apologize and make ammends says obviously it's bothering her and she wishes she would have choice differently. Well great let's give her the humanitarian of the year award--you've apologized for breaking a friends heart destroying a family and completly altering the maritial relationship of the couple--yeah she's a sweetheart. I'm so sorry for rambling but it's very fresh and it just brings the anger back.

Posts: 73 | Registered: Aug 2009
whatnow8
♀ Member
Member # 36576
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I'm feeling so overwhelmed, and sick to my stomache. I've been reading the general board for a while, but never been to this forum. There are 8 different threads I relate to with a 9th as a possibility.

How do I separate all of this crap into different threads?

For instance...My h told me about other women he had had contact with only one time each to get me to kick him out so he could go be with our "friend". For a week she was the shoulder that I cried on while I was unaware that they were having an afair while I was pregnant with child #4. Then while I was in the hospital he drove 2 hours to be with her while she was at a friend's house out of town.

So much about all of this still makes me furious after 4 years. I haven't had anyone to talk to without being made to feel like what I'm feeling is wrong. I can't find any support groups in my area. Everything has just been building up, and I feel like I'm literally on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

Why is it that they have support groups for anything and everything but not something as completely destructive and traumatic as this?


wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18

It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown


Posts: 175 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest
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