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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to prove to me that he f'd up and if he wants it, he needs to come after it. We've been together for 25 years and married for almosst 18. We have a long history. I am willing to work things out but not on his terms any longer. It's going to be on mine for a while. It's time for me to be selfish now. I'm always putting everyone first, him, the kids, etc...Now it's time for me to be first. If he doesn't start showing me how worth it I am and being consistent, I don't see how this will work long term. We shall see. I'm sorry about your ex "friend" too. I wonder if they think it was all worth it now.

You are right that he needs to prove it. Sometimes I will feel really bad for many of the people here as their WS just wants life to move on as normal and wants the BS to somehow "get over it". My fWH has been such a rock (it wasn't easy). I lost my $70,000 a year job because I chose to use alcohol and prescriptions from the doctors to cope. I became completely isolated from all friends, family, my husband, and my kids. I was completely surrounded by pain and in a prison that even though I didn't create it, I chose to wallow in it and make it so much worse.

All through that, my fWH drug me to MC, stayed in it for the long haul. Got up with the baby every single night, changed all the diapers, did all the feedings.. Got the kids ready for school, made them lunches and dinners. I could go on and on with the things he did.

And I didn't appreciate it at all. I screamed and yelled and told him he created this person. I blamed everything on him. I told him he took my "sister" from me and that I would never forgive him. I told him he took my soul from me and killed it. I told him numerous times I would kill myself or maybe him. I half assed attempted suicide twice (pills once and cutting my wrist a second). I put him through absolute hell.

But through it all he carried me. He felt it was his burden to bare and he felt he created this monster.

Anyway, the whole point of all that was to show that some WS's are fully capable to carrying us through the storm. That they should be on the path of being remorseful and transparent and doing every last painstaking request that you need or want. If that means weekly MC, being fully accountable, giving all passwords and online accounts, so be it. If it means taking on responsibilities that were once yours, so be it. If it means working two jobs so you can work on yourself, so be it. My dday was June 2010 and I am still not working. I have decided to further my education instead. Was this ideal for my husband, absolutely not, but he is fully on board with it since it is what I want to do.

I hope your H can get to this place also.

I am finding it hard to get her out if my mind somedays. Does that happen to you? People think I should move on from her. But somedays I can not!

Yes, she still comes into my mind and I have a hard time getting her out. This was much more difficult the first two years of recovery. It is much easier to get her out and keep her out most of the time, except during my emotional times of the month. It seems that I get angry with him and sort of obsess about her about two days a month which correlate with my cycle. Every now and then I get it in me to want to lash out at her (email or text), but I have learned to wait a day and still see if I want to. So far, 100% of the time, I am so glad I didn't. I haven't had any contact with her since 2 months after dday (I continued to lash out at her for a few months after I found out). So, it is normal to do this. One thing that helped me work on this was someone here saying that I was allowing her to live in my marriage by giving her space in my head (and letting her live there rent free). Anger was my motivator to work on getting her out of my life.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Lethealbegin
♀ Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 10th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for responding to my questions. I am glad that I have people who understand what double Betrayal feels like. We have to get over two things which I think makes our recovery different from people who did not know the other person. I have days also that I want to tell her off. I write it down most if the time which helps. I am also focused on bumping into her one day and what would I say or do? I want to be prepared. I took the high road when I confronted her. Although through her husband she tried to take me to the low road but I would not let myself go there. I know that drove her crazy. Lol. I hope to take the high road when I see her again. What also helps me is that I can hold my head up high for how I handled myself so when I walk into a store where I could bump into her. She is so sick that she feels she can hold her head up high. But every high road confrontation will chip that away from her. She was trying to control me through her husbands messages. She managed to get him to believe that I was the bad person. Lol. I love my front porch and she had him call me that I was sitting out there on purpose. WTF I have always sat out there. He knew that when we were all friends so how she managed to convince him is amazing. Thanks for letting me vent I am thankful to all of you!!!!


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jul 2011
DesmondH
♂ Member
Member # 36358
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Lethealbegin))

She was trying to control me through her husbands messages. She managed to get him to believe that I was the bad person.

gotta chuckle at the reality distortion field most waywards have. She sounds like a very broken person, someone who has to bring others down to feel good about themselves.

Take pride in staying on the high road.


Me: BH 40 EX: WW 41 DS 10 and 12

DDay July 17, 2012
Divorced 11/8/2012

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door we do not see the one that opened"
-Alexander Graham Bell


Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012
pdog
♂ New Member
Member # 28966
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, March 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this would count as a double betrayal but my wife is having an affair with someone she worked with. I wasn't friends with the person but he knew who I was and at one point before this became exposed, my wife tried to pursuade me to get to know the person better that his ex-wife can vouch for him. Thought that was the dumbest statement to hear as if he was applying for a job.

Right now, divorce is still pending and my wife and other person are still together. Recently felt more hatred after dropping off my boys (9 and 15) with her and the other person was there alongside my boys as if he's a father.

The feeling of being helpless to see these two "scumbags" get away with no conscience or respect on the values of marriage that neither religion or the law can do anything about it. Overall, my betrayal is knowing the person and the religion, where our vows were taken yet have to wait until the day they die to face judgement. Where's the justice in all this?


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2010
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this would count as a double betrayal but my wife is having an affair with someone she worked with.

IMHO, probably not a double betrayal. The pain of having a "friend" betray you as badly as your spouse is a unique cocktail of shittiness.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading about a particular double betrayal by a couple of relative newcomes to the site, I'm wondering how common this is, or if others feel the same way...

As a BS, do you feel more betrayed by the AP (i.e. your "friend")? To explain, I can sort of make sense of the "whys" that I have received from my W. Not that it justifies the A, or anything like that, but I can somewhat understand. What I cannot even begin to grasp is how my "friend" proceeded to fuck my W and carry on with the A. Or how my W was doing the same to her "friend". It's unfathomable to me, to think they both considered it "OK" to betray their friends like that...

Maybe this makes no sense, but just wondering if there others who feel this way, and can shed some light?


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, do you feel more betrayed by the AP (i.e. your "friend")? To explain, I can sort of make sense of the "whys" that I have received from my W. Not that it justifies the A, or anything like that, but I can somewhat understand. What I cannot even begin to grasp is how my "friend" proceeded to fuck my W and carry on with the A. Or how my W was doing the same to her "friend". It's unfathomable to me, to think they both considered it "OK" to betray their friends like that...

Yes, I do feel that way, although I know inside my head that I probably shouldn't. Here's why: I knew that my wife had been unfaithful in one of her past relationships, and had many other issues that people associate with those who are victims of CSA. So to be honest, I was always *kind of* worried about that from her, so I was on the look out for suspicious activities for the most part....well, unfortunately she didn't really exhibit any until the very end of the A, more or less.

However, my *friend* should have known that the story my wife was telling about how shitty of a husband I was, was to some degree, bullshit. And even if he believed it, he should've told her "Hey, I'm not the person you should be talking to." If he would've acted as though he had feelings for my wife, I wouldn't have trusted him around her. But he didn't. He acted like he didn't have feelings for her....and so I was never watching out for him. Even towards the end of our friendship, when I started to wonder, I always told myself, "No, she might have a history of that, but HE wouldn't do that to me." Guy code, good friends, all that fucking nonsense. So yeah, when our MC and my wife ask me why I seem more angry at him than her, that's why. I was hurt and disappointed by my WW, but I was blindsided by the POSOM.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guy code, good friends, all that fucking nonsense. So yeah, when our MC and my wife ask me why I seem more angry at him than her, that's why. I was hurt and disappointed by my WW, but I was blindsided by the POSOM.

Yes, exactly! I remember telling my "friend" pretty much the same thing, like "DUDE! What the FUCK?!?!" Guys don't do this to other guys!!

One other thought that has plagued me, along these same lines. It's not just the sting of being burned by a "friend", but it's what my W was willing and able to do to her alleged best friend. So... one of our M issues pre-A is that we were NOT best friends. I get that, accept that, and totally understand the issues we both had (moreso on my part than her) that led to that. But now, we acknowledge and know that we NEED to be best friends. And possibly for the first time, I feel that we are becoming that.

But I can't get rid of the thought that she's not capable of being a truly good friend. A safe friend. A trustworthy friend. I know it's basically the same thought that runs through every BS mind about their WS, but it feels different when thinking about it in "friend" terms.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the worst things with a double betrayal is that the "friend" is often someone whom you've shared your insecurities and worries about your marriage with, and then they use them AGAINST you, with your SPOUSE, even after you've put your trust in them. I think that's what stings the most.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had a EA with my niece. My long lost niece (she was raised by her father). She came to town last year and I seen my husband change. We are not married but have been together 23 years. In these years he has never ever given me any cause to question. Even when his x came to town I had no concern. As soon as she came (my niece) he started to act so cool and trying to impress her. I brought her into my home and accepted her immediately as my niece. I found alot of her behavior inappropriate. Talking to my husband about why the man she went on a date with didn't try anything, dirty dancing for him. Soon he was getting up with her in the morning, and watching tv in the evening with her. At this time when I heard their conversation I came and told them this is not the right conversation for a uncle and niece. I argued and I thought they got the point. Still though my husband is going through his second childhood and acting like an idiot. One day my niece takes her mother, my sister who is visiting into the garage and tell her that she thinks my H wants to be more than friends. So my sister tells her to tell him to F off. My H and I leave to go visit his family ( his mother had a stroke) We leave for 3 weeks. In this time there are calls back and forth between them but I am there for most of them. So while we were gone she decides to move from our house. Which at the time I found odd. She tells her mother it's because of my H. My sister doesn`t tell me of either of these things. So anyway, terrible year for my husband. We return home for 3 weeks only to find out that his younger brother has passed away. So off we go again. While we r with his family I tell his sister about his infatuation over my 30yr younger niece. She asks him but he gives her the "she's crazy story", the same one he's been telling me for about 6 months at that time. So anyway from the beginning she has always texted him. She texted me also but not as much as him. I didn't like this from day one but I never said anything to her because I didn't want to seem like the bitchy new aunt. I really wanted her to connect with our family. I was hping his family would embarrass him enough to stop. Anyway long story short a month after his brother, his mother passes also, so we end up being away for a long time. Fast forward 4 months and it is her birthday. She comes down and her mother argues with her. She leaves the next day but not before I hear my husband arguing with her. She storms out and we dont see or hear from her again for another 3 months. One day I come home and my H tells me your niece is coming? I question this as I haven't even talked to her for at least 6 weeks. We all three have FB and I had one or possibly 2 messages in that time. So anyway I find it very funny that she has talked to him about coming but not me or her mother. She comes down and walks in the door and I have this feeling like I've been punched in the stomach. We hang out for a while and then they want to have a few drinks. The bar is in the basement so we are all down there. I go upstairs to get something and I come back downstairs and they are standing side by side (not facing) with their arms around each other like they are looking at a picture or nice view. Anyway when I walk in they pull apart and TRY to act like its nothing. The next time I go upstairs I start checking her phone for texts from him. Now last year I see on his phone there has been a text to her but the contents were deleted. So at this point we have our 3rd or 4th arguement about him and her. I tell him that`s it, if you are deleting them you can no longer talk to her at all. So back to story about her visit. I check her phone and at first they are a bunch of nothing texts but I go further up and I see a message that says love you and she replies love you too. She then comes upstairs and takes the phone out of my hands. I had just enough time to close it and tell her she has messages. But now I`m freaking. Everyone is catching my vibe so we all go to bed. The next day I go back downstairs. When I left the room they are on separate couches, when I return they are sitting beside each other. Not at either end of the couch but right beside each other. I give them a look and they act like they are just joking around. So right after that she leaves, I know she knows somethings up. So the day that she left I got on the computer and started going through the phone bills, house and cell. The cell will only let me check for the last 3 months. In this time Dec to March I see there has been 16-17 texts. He has figured out how to delete the whole message and went for it. I see the day she came down they started their conversation on FB but finished on phone. It`s too soon to see the cell bill for that month so I start going backward. I see a few calls 3-4 but short 2-3 mins. Then I see one for 38 mins. This was 2 weeks before she came for her birthday. I took her shopping for her BD like a IDIOT. So I am quite a strong willed (b*tch) and I go off on him. What are all these calls and texts. He of course says they are nothing, they r just friends blah blah blah. He goes to his family out of town for business and asks me if I want to go. I say no. So begins my quest to find the texts off the computer. I bought 2 or 3 but only got bits and pieces. Him telling her he misses she, how beautiful she is nothing overtly sexual. So I am supposed to go and get him but everyday I talk to him while he`s away is crap. It was nothing I`m going overboard etc. So I leave him there for and extra 3 days while I am deciding if I want him back. I find him disgusting and very morally corrupt. So he comes home and now the chips are down. I fight with him, he packs his bags. I tell him he must choose, either admit or leave. So finally he admits but swears on everything, even his mother that just passed that he never kissed her or even touched her. That it was only phones. Ok so I tell him that`s it one more time he talks to her it is over and he agrees. Now after I start getting the timing of the texts down I realize all the recent texts from him to her have been deleted on her phone as well. In the mean time, the last 4-5 months she has gotten a boyfriend. My sister calls her down because she wants to get to the bottom of this too. The N brings her boyfriend down too, she was supposed to come in evening aand she came in morning when my sister had to work. So my sis tells her she has no time now and y did u bring your boyfriend when I told you I wanted to talk. So my sis says to her what`s going on with my H and her She says nothing and that it was all my H. She goes home and unfriends the whole family from FB. Now when I first found out I unfriended her on my H`s computer. He is not very computer lierate. I leave her unfriended for a week to see if he will refriend. Then I simply block her. So she blocks whole family but only unfriends me WTF Fast forward to now and the other day I sit down and do a good search on his FB account. I find that he has searched her name every day sometimes 4-5 times a day. When we first came home in Sept it was 10 times a day. So I delete all her pictures remove any trace of her number anywhere. I did this the day after DDay. But now I freak on him. Tell me about the friendship thing again when u r searching 10 times a day. So he told me he`s sorry, told me he never meant to hurt me, didn`t know it would hurt me so much WHAT!!! So I told him you are still searching for her and you are wasting your time but if you continue to search it`s over. I try to get him to talk and he rug sweeps and avoids. We are at stale mate, he avoids and hides from me, says he hates how I look at him now. I tell him either we talk or I can`t say I will stay. He says if he could take it all back he would etc. But his actions say different. I know she doesn`t want him and the family is pretty much done with her (for a lot of different reasons one of which is this). I know he still has feeling for her and I can`t stand not knowing what he`s thinking. Am I wasting my time Can I start to feel for my H again, right now I feel less and less like trying HELP

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Its Better Now?
♂ Member
Member # 34802
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello again to everyone in the sickest section of the sorriest club in the world! I've been off SI for 6 months now ( at the insistence of my IC ) and finally just told her (IC) that I NEEDED all of you again. So she has asked me to pose a question to this wonderful, anonymous forum.

How many of you good people were betrayed by your spouse with your (natural) brother or sister? That's it. That's all she wanted me to ask. I have no idea; and she will not say, what possible treatment plan we are going into now.

As always, thanks for all the help.


OK; It's Brass Tacks Time

Posts: 116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Lost and Wondering
TheCollector
♂ Member
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in pretty much all the categories in the I can relate section so here goes. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated... I just don't know what to do now... its been almost 2 years now and I feel no better.. here goes...

I had a good friend who I WORKED with. I invited over to dinner one night after work. Introduced him to my wife. (she has literally no friends) so I thought this would be good for her but didn't realise how well they would hit it off.. didn't raise a flag though cause she had been lonely for a while cause she lost all her friends to drugs and she doesn't accept that and cut ties. So anyway he started coming over and hanging out with both of us drinking beer playing video games and what not about every night. Well after a while I started getting tired of it and she made a big deal out of it so I let it continue. She started to become a person I didn't even know almost over night... Our relationship was getting worse by the day and I could see what was going on but she reassured me that it was fine and that she loved only me and I believed her...welll her flirtation with him got worse and worse...we fought more and more... Than.....she comes to me one night and admits that they kissed once......I was furious... We talked about possible divorce... She begged me and said how sorry she was.I forgave her and death-stared him every time I saw him but couldn't say anything cause I couldn't lose my job. After about 3 weeks of this she begged me to forgive him and that he was her only friend in forever.......I manned up for her and did it....biggest mistake of my life...well he started coming around again and well guess what.....my wife ends up pregnant..... Now let me explain how the night I found out went.... I come home from work and he is on his way over right behind me to hang out.my wife says she doesn't feel right and wants to go take a test. I say ok cause we had tried to no avail (her problems not mine). He gets to my house and and all the sudden I hear screaming and thudding coming from the back bathroom. I rush in there to see what's wrong. She is in the floor sobbing unable to even breathe. I go tell him he should probably leave that something was wrong... (another big mistake) the. She proceeded to tell me that she had had sex with him unprotected about 3 wekks ago. She had sex with me like 12 hours later too..........gross..... She says she doesn't know who's it was..... Breaks my heart....I fall to the floor sobbing like this man has never wept before...I leave the house.... Just to be alone a few minutes to collect myself... I start getting suicide texts from her so I come back to the house and scoop up all the pills she had out and flushed them. After she halfway explains herself she packs a small bag and starts walking down the road(she doesn't drive and her moms apartment was an hour drive away) ... Should have let her go then...but me being concerned for the child in her belly I call her mom and tell her that her daughter is walking down the road toward her house and that she might wanna go pick her up...so her mom picks her up and brings her back to my house and her mom hugs me then says she is gonna take her to the E.R. to do a blood test to make sure and wanted to know if I would go as well. So I reluctantly went. We sat there for hours and she begged me that whole time. Finally we went back and confirmed it. Went home and went to bed since I had to be back at work in like 4 hours....... That's how I got to find out I was gonna be a father and let me tell you that's not how you want to find out. I will continue this in another post below.


Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
TheCollector
♂ Member
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY LIFE IN THE DAYS AFTER..... My wife continued to talk to him because he owed us $80 even after I told her to forget it. A few Saturdays later I had to work and while I was at work she had him stop by to pay that money and she let him back in my house! I called her on my break and she told me he was there and that they were just talking things out...well I flipped out obviously and told her to get that piece of ***** out of my house or I was on my way home right then and she had the nerve to get mad at me for being mad about it! In those few weeks we talked a lot and she on several occasions said she wasn't sure what she wanted. She said she loved me but missed his friendship. I now truly believe that she only stayed with me cause I had a better job and was a more responsible person for her and her baby...after a few weeks she started acting like her old self again and said that she was a sucker and he just used her and prayed on her neediness... And she couldnt believe she fell for it....sounds to me like passing blame...now she acts like she hates him....

MY LIFE AFTER....... Not only did I have to deal with this pain in a normal way but had to continue to hurt cause its been in my face in several ways every day since... I spent 9 months not knowing if the child was mine. (agonizing) I had to continue seeing him every day at work for about 7 months and couldnt do a thing about it cause I can't lose my job (agonizing) His apartment where it happened is on my works street and I must drive by the crime scene every day (also agonizing) I don't believe what she tells me...I know it was more than once and she is just minimizing it. She ruined the excitement of my first child and the excitement of her birth cause "what if" was all I could think about... I can't talk to her about it cause every time I do she just tries to leave. I don't know how to cope with all this and I feel it is getting worse.


Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too was betrayed by a friend.

Some days I cannot figure out what in the hell is the matter with them. We are divorced, they are still slinking around behind the backs of her husband and family members.

Well, last night I was reading one of the other topics here and suddenly all became clear. The particular topic I was reading about people were saying how their spouses were on Craig's list getting BJ's from other men, and yet were insisting they were not gay nor bi! INCREDIBLE!

Then, it hit me! My XH and OW are insane. I think she really and truely has brainwashed my H that he is not having an affair. Now, he sleeps at her house, they go everywhere together, they lie to their friends and family, text 200 times a day, but she has convinced him they are "just friends".

I hope this helps someone,, because I instantly let go of the anger and my running it over and over in my mind.

She love bombed him:

The term "Love Bombing" originated with the Moonies to describe a step in their process of conversion. New members are sought out, friendshipped, and invited to group events. Potential recruits are overwhelmed with attention which makes them feel special, loved, and an important part of the new group.


Aspects of this technique include, but are not limited to flattery, verbal seduction, affectionate but usually non-sexual touching, and lots of attention. (Singer, p 114)


Geri-Ann Galanti, a cult researcher, experienced love bombing at a Moonie recruitment camp. Regarding a very personal compliment she received, she stated, "Even though I knew it was a manipulative technique, I wanted to believe she meant it, and I decided that
she really did. After all, it matched my own perception of myself." Recovery from Cults, p 98.


Love-bombing instills trust. It is impossible to think of the new group as harmful, because everyone is so friendly. Everyone seems so happy and nice; how could the group be wrong? Love-bombing can produce a social high. Recruits can come to feel dependent on this feeling and the safety net of belonging to a close-knit group of people. It also makes them feel loyal and dedicated, as they now may feel they owe the group some attention in return.


Sometimes love-bombing involves sexual attraction. Many cults send males to recruit lone females, and females to recruit lone males


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Jan 2012
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In response to the OW/OM hurting me more than spouse. This I find to be totally true. My H lost his mother and his brother about 6 weeks apart last year when EA started. He was torn apart but certainly NO EXCUSE. However I can understand how my older husband could be attracted to a much younger woman who is showing him all kinds of attention, he was lonely sad and heartbroken himself.

My N on the other hand I don't know????? This is the part of the EA that I need to know about. I know my husband...I knew right away he liked her, and this is what lead to our vicious circle and the damage in our relationship.

I knew he liked her right away and kept on him. The more I was on him the more he turned to her. The more he changed the more I pulled away...I went further and further away. The angrier I became the more I stayed away from him and gave him opportunity and a type of validation for his connection with her. So round and round we've been going for the past year.

Her on the other hand came to my home and acted like she was my loving N. I took her shopping for F's sake. And here you are being a lying 2 faced B**ch. I welcomed this person into my home and my life, she came and put on this act because she is not what she made herself out to be.

She said her whole life she wanted to meet her family..blah blah blah.. and the whole time she played me and him (he's too stupid to see it yet). It has broken my sister's heart too. What kind of a person is she???


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
TheCollector
♂ Member
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is simply a horrible young woman who will get it wherever she can... Simply a slut...... I'm sorry your in this boat.....


Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you collector and everyone else who has offered their support

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
January24
♀ New Member
Member # 39185
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you from helping me use this site (previous post person)to get over this betrayal. I hope it helps me because MC and IC isn't completing the circle, so to speak. I haven't done my history yet either. I am brand new to this site. Thought I deal with it, but unraveling today. It has been three months. Been reading the Not Friends book from my IC. It is wonderful. Hard to keep up though with kids and act normal. My H had an affair with my BFF. He says it started in Nov with her confusing her love to him. She is married to a man 20 years old and sleeps with a c pap machine. Long story short, we xmas shopped together, made cookies and a gingerbread house together, all the while my husband and her were texting together and seeing each other secretly. Like 2400 texts a month. She would ask me sexual questions and cheating questions, along with her ideas in her head of what she was doing. I feel so betrayed. He would drop the kids off at the bus stop and sneak to her house to have sex, sneak out of the house to be with her in the middle of the night. why would they do this? He says now that he sees what she was after. He is good man and we had good marriage. At first he alienated me, and says he was sacred I was going to freak and kick him out.Now he wants to go to MC. We have for 2 months.He seems remorseful for his actions. I hope so because I can't stand this again. Not sure how he did this. H became someone else. I haven't spoken to her since I thought it was all texting; dumb me. It was clear from then but he swore it was nothing more. Over the past two months more has come out. Sacred to hear what else- he says there is nothing more. Is he with me, for me, or convenience? So many more details when I look back. How do I continue to move forward with our marriage with flashbacks and mind movies? should I contact her?


He- 44yo
Me- 38yo
Married- 10y/together almost 15yrs.
2 children- 8 boy; 7girl
OW- 44yo (my BFF so I thought)
great marriage, never would of believed it from anyone, including from another BFF. Completely trusted him to the max. And that is what

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2013
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my husband has been showing remorse and trying hard to please me. I'm feeling better about him (not great, but better) He keeps telling me how sorry he is and how he wishes it had never happened.

My N on the other hand has gone off like a nutcase. I told her never to talk with my husband again or I would be coming to see her.

She starts calling me and my H all kinds of names and things. Talking about my family etc. My father passed about 10 yrs ago, and left a decent inheritance for all.

She starts talking about how we are all spoiled and how I am pathetic because I don't work. My home is part of my inheritance and is paid for. My H takes care of bills etc. How if I didn't have H I would never survive, etc. I know that some of these words have to do with what H told her. However, with or without H, I am in pretty good shape financially.

Her jealousy is astounding to me. I brought this tramp into my home and she stayed with me for over 6 mths rent free. She never bought food or anything. In the 6 mths she never even bought a loaf of bread. But now that I have caught her on the phone calls with H she is the angry one??

I told her she needs to get a handle on her jealousy. I think that this girl thought she was going to get everything from us and when she didn't she went after H. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what role H played in this.

However it seems to me she went after him for revenge,and as soon as it was brought out she freaked. She called my H many hurtful names and then tried to go after his character.

She was telling H that he should leave me and was telling me (before I found out) why do I stay with him etc. It looks like she was trying to play both of us against each other. Only my H fell for it. I played her along, never telling her anything important, but H fell hook line and sinker into her bullshit.

What kind of person is this? She almost ruined our M for what?? Payback?? Then she acts like she is the injured party. WTF??


Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lethealbegin
♀ Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course she does!!! It is all about her!!! Not you! Why should it be the victim. The MOW is my situation did the same thing she became the victim. It is crazy isn't it!!!!!!!!! She has a boarder line personality disorder! That is why it is about her. I private messaged you in case you want to vent to someone who understands what it like to deal with crazy!


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jul 2011
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