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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
MissD
♀ Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the worst things with a double betrayal is that the "friend" is often someone whom you've shared your insecurities and worries about your marriage with, and then they use them AGAINST you, with your SPOUSE, even after you've put your trust in them. I think that's what stings the most.

Been there, totally agree.

I've learned keeping my friendships separate from my marriage is helpful for me. Since i found out about his A's WS has onle met one of many friends, and only because he was home unexpectedly one afternoon she was at our house. WS is blocked from my FB page so he is not able to hunt fu*k buddies from my friends list anymore either.


BW 40's - WH 50's
M 20yrs, T 23yrs
2 children
Multiple EA, OA,& PA's
Thankful for my faith in God to be my strong tower.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
allingoodtime
♀ New Member
Member # 39679
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the worst things with a double betrayal is that the "friend" is often someone whom you've shared your insecurities and worries about your marriage with, and then they use them AGAINST you, with your SPOUSE, even after you've put your trust in them. I think that's what stings the most.


Absolutely. When my WS had an A, it was with the one person I'd shared intimate details of our relationship with. I'd told her things I wouldn't even dream of telling my own sister. When the truth came out, there were things that shocked me that she'd ASKED of him, knowing they were off limits with me.
In addition, during the period of their A, she'd call me, ask me what our fights were about, then turn to my WS and use them as further bait to draw him to her.

Now he wonders why I don't invite people into our home.


(All In Good Time)
BS: 25 (me)
WH: 29

A Dates: March 2013-May 2013
D-Day 2013: May 24
MW: My former best friend.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
CLRhope4her
♀ Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A girl at work is having a cookout at a friends house on the 4th. I remember those days. I miss those days.


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2012
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding the AP (ex-friend)... How do you feel about the relationship/friendship pre-A? I don't know how else to explain this, but I feel as though the A essentially voided the entire friendship. He was NEVER my friend. Anything and everything he said and did is all a potential lie, to me, now. There isn't a single flicker of fondness when an old pre-A memory pops up. It's all rage/hostility/anger now.

Anyone else in that boat? Or is this just something I will eventually work past?

[This message edited by DWBH at 2:12 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DWBH~ I actually tried to maintain a civil "friendship" with the AP for awhile after D-Day.....mainly because it is an OC situation, and I thought it would be best for all of our kids if we could get along. She eventually showed (and said) that she was completely unrepentant.....that was when I finally woke up and realized she was never truly a friend at all. I think it depends on the AP though~ if they are remorseful.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
CLRhope4her
♀ Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too believe the 25 year friendship was a lie. We were obviously never the friends I truly believed we were. I'd never have done this to her. The fact she planned the A, used info I had confided, used my trust to get into my bed.....I wouldn't do that to a stranger. We weren't friends for 25 years. I was just stupid for 25 years.


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2012
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DWBH- I no longer believe the whole friendship was a lie, to me this would be like saying the whole marriage was a lie.

We mend and offer forgiveness to our spouses because they are the ones we have given vows to, made families with, and love. It is easy to then hate and place greater blame on our EX friends because we hate what happened.

I got rid of all pictures of OW/xBFF, starting at age two when our parents had us in dance class together. I re-wrote the history of our friendship and NONE of it is documented anymore other than her signature on our marriage license.

I don't regret getting rid of those things as looking at them would only remind me of where we ended up. But, I do not think that 2 yr old OW/xBFF had ill intentions towards me. Nor did 12 yr old OW, or even 22 yr old OW. She, like my fWH, got caught up in a the fantasy, and in her case had the added fuel of jealousy as she felt I had the life she deserved.

I did not feel this way until after I was close to three years out though. I hated her to the core and gave her 100 times the blame than I did my fWH. She was my best friend, how could she do this!?? But, really, he was my husband.. Who promised to love only me, who made me the mother of his four daughters, who vowed to me and God to never forsake me. Yet he did.. She didn't promise me one single thing in life.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myheartstillhurt: you make some good points; my wife has said some of these words to me as well, in past discussions. While I'm not saying ex-BFF planned the whole friendship around seduction of our spouses... there were several years of this in our sitch. My W could look back 3 years before the A, and see signs of him flirting, and crossing boundaries. Out of a 10 year friendship, that's a good chunk of dishonesty and bad intentions.

But yes, I totally get and acknowledge your point about assignment of blame being unequal. That's all very logical and rational, and hopefully someday, I will be in a place where I can emotionally accept that and stop devoting so much hateful energy towards OM.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only a couple of months out at this point, so I am sure my feelings will change. In our case, OW was half of a family we were very close to. Not a 'bosom buddy' but someone we spent a lot of time with, and I obviously trusted her implicitly.

I wrote her a letter and asked for an apology, which I got-- which was, in the end, weak. But, it did shine a light on her and there are some things about it that have been a bonding thing for my fWH and I.

Looking back I obviously see red flags. . .she was very attentive to my husband. She/they/we liked to banter together, and he was usually the focus. I have started to believe we were all part of some crazy flirting thing that the OWH and I weren't aware of. (To be fair, OWH was a big banterer, but I don't think had designs on my husband, ha.)

Anyway . i do know now she had a crush on my husband for years. I find it hard to get over that. . . .that she would put her family and mine at risk for her fantasy life by continuing to cultivate a friendship with us. maybe she didn't imagine herself capable of such a terrible thing.

So, my fWH is 100% responsible for his actions, but I do feel she was more the pursuer, at least at first.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:10 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1360 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've just found out that my best friend was one of many women my husband was having internet (and possibly physical) affairs with. After one angry text to her, I've now sent an email extending a chance for her to explain her side of things. I'm basically "playing nice" hoping I can get the truth from her, since I can't trust anything WH says. My sister thinks this is a bad idea. I figure it can't hurt. Advice?


Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1007 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People will tell you that OW will lie - so you have to take what she says with a grain of salt. She is a cheater too - twice over - so why would you trust what she says over your husband?


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1360 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is highly unlikely that you will get truth from her. She betrayed you with your husband. No contact is the best bet with her.

If your husband claims he has given you the truth, ask him to take a lie detector to prove it. Do not play nice with OW, she is just as much a cheater and a liar.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm basically "playing nice" hoping I can get the truth from her, since I can't trust anything WH says. My sister thinks this is a bad idea. I figure it can't hurt. Advice?

VERY bad idea, IMO. Trust me, it will only lead to more pain and resentment towards your friend.

NC, NC, NC. Just walk away, and do your best to never acknowledge her existence again.

[This message edited by DWBH at 9:31 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did meet with my XBFF, and checked her story against our old cel phone bills. I will grant her that she owns her behavior, and most of her story checked out.

Now I'm done with her. Unfriended her on FB and NC from now on. I don't care how much she's sorry, there are some lines you just don't cross!

Even if she hadn't been directly involved in SAWH's cheating, I couldn't be around her right now because of the lifestyle she's chosen to lead the last few years. She and her H have an 'open' marriage and she regularly places ads on CL and gives BJs to a lot of her male friends. Those type of triggers are bad for me right now. I probably should have dropped her as a friend when she started going down that path, but I thought "She's an adult and can make her own decisions." Boy did that come back to bit me in the a$$.

I don't have any more energy to waste on her.


Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1007 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's going to be best for you, to remain NC with her.

There may be times you feel like you want to ask her more, but I would just throw those thoughts out. If you continue to contact her, it will only cause you more pain in the long run.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, September 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I've been tempted to contact OM a number of times....I just don't know that I could believe anything he told me, but I'd still hold his (maybe) lies against my wife's version and get angry.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, complete NC with xBFF/OW. D papers filed for STBXH.

Now I feel like there is no one I can trust. The old once burned, twice shy. Do we ever get past that? Do I even want to? I feel like I'm walking around with my STBXH's dagger in my heart and xBFF's knife in my back.

There are now three adults that I trust, my mother, my father, and surprisingly my sister-in-law (technically wife of brother-in-law). I trust SIL because she is a brutally honest person, and if she has a problem with me, she will tell me.

My actual sisters are anxious to support me, but can't understand why I didn't just leave STBX on D-Day. They seem to think it will make me feel better to tell me that "they never really liked STBX." They've also told me about every horror story they've heard about divorce (false accusations, DCFS involvement, emptying bank accounts, parental alienation, etc). I've never been really close with them, and all their "support" hasn't changed my mind. So if you can't rely on your sisters, who can you trust?

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 7:28 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1007 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini,

I know that pain except R came for fWH and I. I know the whole feeling as if you will never trust another person, and it sounds like your sisters are not the ones you will be able to lean on in this process.

OW/xBFF was my MOH also, and I can still see her pathetic signature on my marriage license. It sucks, being friends with someone that long and then they steal your sense of trust in all human beings.

The good news I can offer is that with healing, some trust returns. I have to question if blind trust is truly healthy for anyone? I mean, how can we put full 100% blind trust into people who are completely imperfect and failable?

But, those types of questions come with 3+ years healing. It is hard when it is fresh.

If you are not in IC, please at least consider it. I have made a complete 180 of who I was post dday and who I am today and much of it is from the work done in IC. This is where we learn to heal and learn to be alive in my opinion.

Ignore what your sisters say about the horror stories of divorce. Every divorce is different. Maybe set boundaries with them that their opinion isn't really wanted and you will set your own course with your lawyer on your own. We see consistently that NO ONES story is the same.

Good luck with it all, be good to yourself. You deserve it.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That feeling of not trusting anyone... I'm right there. At two+ years out, I don't know if I'll ever really trust anyone ever again.

I was very withdrawn and introverted before the A, and the people I truly trusted were few and far between. And two of them completely decimated that, so yeah, trust is not something that will likely ever occur again.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
TopsyTurvey
♀ New Member
Member # 27048
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure about how to reply to this thread, so forgive my ignorance. My husband of now 40+ years had an affair with a dear friend, rather formally, dear, four plus years ago. She was newly widowed, however, she was separated from her husband who was also a good friend of ours. My husband was always the better friend to her than me. They did lots of activities together that I did not participate in. Well, after her husband died, my husband became the KISA. I was fine with this for a few months but soon began to wonder and worry what was going on? I asked him about it and he lied to me. She was coming to my home and I was going to hers while they were having a PA/EA. I was also leaving town quite frequently to take care of my mother in another state, she had Alzheimer's disease. The AP and what I thought was a good friend also happens to be a psychologist, go figure. They did this right under my nose and I was too stupid, naive and trusting. My husband who has been nothing but faithful and kind and truthful for 35 years turned into the total opposite. We're reconciled but I still have bad moments. I only wish I did not know the AP. I wish she was not a friend. This has been the hardest part of all this. Two years after the s$&@ hit the fan, I received a letter of apology from her. I showed it to my husband and he treated it like a hot potato. It's funny, but a couple of dear mutual friends of my husband and I did not contact me for quite a while. It was just too awkward. They have now made contact and we've gone out but we have never talked about the affair with them. I think the main reason is because My husband and I were together and it would be really awkward for him. He's remorseful but I can vouch that this has been the worst thing that can happen in a marriage, the Double Betrayal. Kind thoughts to all of you who are going through this.


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