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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please use this thread if you have personallyexperienced this type of betrayal.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well here I am, my second home away from home, next to the LTA thread.

My WH's LT, emotional A was mostly online through emails, IM's and chat rooms. It progressed to phone and snail mail over time.

Prior to the LTA, he had many years of "cyber" play with women...activities he deemed "harmless flirting" that went from private chat rooms to IM's....and it was very sexually explicit.

He also spent a lot of time on porn sites with the womnan he had the A with, finding sexual position photos they imagined trying with each other, etc.

We fought about how much the online "playing" hurt me, but nothing ever changed. I just got an apology and a promise that it wouldn't happen anymore, but it always did.

My WH is one of the
"offenders" who dosn't believe what he did was wrong because it wasn't actually physical contact. (although it almost turned out to be because he and the OW were going to meet and get together.)

If any of you have dealt with internet issues in your marriage, I welcome you to become my roommates here..free of charge.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
sheisnothappy
♀ Member
Member # 14068
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I CAN relate...says it all pretty much...alot of your story sounds similar

mine however is not into porn..lucky me I guess..

He, too, still does not think there really was anything wrong with it..but we can atleast agree some of it was inappropriate...

We are trying to work on it!


Me: BS, 28
WH 31
12 yrs marriage, 1 son 9,
Online EA-3+yrs
1stDD: March 2007
2ndDD: January 31, 2009
Attempting R
Umm..yeah

Posts: 538 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: south of sanity
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was me.

My story should be in my profile.

The A started online and escalated into phone sex calls and him buying her gifts and then meeting her and spending an entire day with her.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in on this one.

Strike had an online EA twice, with the same woman.

Consisted of posting on messageboards, IM'ing and PM'ing. Supposedly not "sexual" but VERY flirty and crossed the line big time.

First time lasted about 2 months, then I caught him. Had no contact for 8 months when he sought her out again. This time lasted 3-4months.

He says it was because of his depression, he didn't feel he could talk to me, so he used her to make himself feel better. The flirting was to keep her interested so he could talk about his problems.


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
sheisnothappy
♀ Member
Member # 14068
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost...mine had one too...

she was his support when he quit drinking, also according to him other people too...he couldn't supposedly talk to me either...

I'm wondering, is this usually the case, there always a problem we couldn't help them with and is that just their way of trying to place the blame?


Me: BS, 28
WH 31
12 yrs marriage, 1 son 9,
Online EA-3+yrs
1stDD: March 2007
2ndDD: January 31, 2009
Attempting R
Umm..yeah

Posts: 538 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: south of sanity
dark clouds
♀ Member
Member # 11964
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of WH's As were either begun or conducted online, progressing to phone calls, etc.


Being a grownup is stupid. I wanna be 7 again.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Ohio
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh yeah, forgot there were 3 phone calls this last time.

sheisnothappy, I don't know. I know my H has a looooong history of conflict avoidance, and fear of disappointing people.


One of the 2 big things I'm struggling with is how I could be replaced by a computer screen


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
sheisnothappy
♀ Member
Member # 14068
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost, we work online ourselves, so I know all the screen thing but its also not like I can tell him he can't work...

one problem I keep having and this was even before my dday..(because I have somehow(my gut) known for the last year)
my wh has a very healthy um libido most of the time..I am always wondering to myself, when he pulls himself away from it for "it", was he just talking to someone?


Me: BS, 28
WH 31
12 yrs marriage, 1 son 9,
Online EA-3+yrs
1stDD: March 2007
2ndDD: January 31, 2009
Attempting R
Umm..yeah

Posts: 538 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: south of sanity
I_used_to_smile
♀ Member
Member # 14113
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my WH wasn't into porn, but he sure found his way into all the "married looking to cheat" sites. My cheap-o husband spent $165 alone for 6 months on just one site. I don't think he spent $165 on me in our entire marriage (aside from automotive repairs - I'll give him that )

He, too, claims that he never cheated because he never actually had sex with these women. BUT ... he met at least one in person, and was heavily into trying to arrange some afternoon delight with another when he was found out.

My hope is that someday he realizes what it was he did, because he sure doesn't see it my way at this point in time.

It is so painful (and infuriating) to sign up for these sites and find his profiles. The good news is that they've been inactive. The bad news is that they ever existed at all.


"Activity and sadness are incompatible."

- Christian Bovee

"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."

- Dorothy Parker


Posts: 1373 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: East coast
greeneyedlass
♀ Member
Member # 9858
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunatley I'm definitely a member of this club.

My FWH's infidelity was online...never did anything physically that I found out about. He was on alt.com, AFF, and a few other websites though.

He was chatting with real women in our area, sending e-mails, initiating the e-mails you name it....all the while ignoring me sexually. I kid you not, we literally only had sex 3 times in 2 years....and it wasn't because I wasn't trying. He turned ME down all the time.

I finally installed a keylogger on our computer because he was beginning to get lazy, and I'd slowly find things on the computer...which of course he'd deny when I'd confront him. I installed a "free" trial version of a keylogger thinking "this is just going to prove I'm wrong about this", only to find out within 10 hours what he was really up to.

Oh, I forgot to mention...we had been going to marriage counseling for a year and a half too when I found out....he NEVER let on what he was doing.

It was very nearly the end of our marriage. We've made it through though and now have a much better relationship than we ever had before.

Thankfully!!!!
GEL


ME: BS (42 on Sept 17.)
HIM: WH (49)
Dday: 2/17/06
"Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac...it makes me sick!"

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006
PlayItForward
♀ Member
Member # 13995
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think I'm a member of this club, too.

FWH met FOW online in a chatroom...EA to PA to LTA...


Me-53
FWH-56
Married 29 years
D-Day - October, 2005
LTA - 5 years; discovered by teenage son...oh yeah...
R - since 1/06...we're just playing the recovery forward as far as it will go.


Posts: 297 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: The Heart of Dixie
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, another club I can join.

Without MSN, my wife's A would never have begun....at least not with the OM. (I'm sure it was just a question of time, looking back with the knowledge I have now).

Hers was a 3 year LTA, with 4-5 hours of on and off chatting via messenger every working day.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
Sweetmari
♀ Member
Member # 11191
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GEL,
are you living my life? Our stories are almost identical except that I want add that the skank he became involved with was from AFF and couldn't understand why I didn't want to meet her after dday!!!!!


Him WH 57
Me BS 51
Married 25 years
4 kids 28,24,22,16
DD,trickle truths and more escapades 6/3/06, 10/8/06, 10/24/06, 11/4/06, 6/15/07, 8/2/07, 11/20/07,5/8/08, 9/17/09
R?.......I'm still watching.........
"We are not amused!" Que

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: New Jersey
Shanesmom
♀ Member
Member # 13651
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I'm a card-carrying member of this club.
WH was caught online 6 times in the 11 years we were together. It started before we were even married. I should never have married him. But I let it go time and time again and history kept repeating itself.
Then he met some of the women from aff in person. And had PAs with at least 2 of them. One he admitted was ongoing for "at least 9 months" the other was just a few times. They met at a motel 6 near his work during work hours.
He's addicted to porn and aff.


Me - BS 35
Him- WS 35
1 son, age 9
Married 9 yrs, together for 12
Dday 1/31/07
Divorced on 10/12/07

Never make anyone a priority who makes you only an option.


Posts: 566 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Denver, CO
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm lucky in that strike knows what he was doing was an EA...he knew it from the beginning.

Well, I guess that makes me lucky....though now that I think about it, is it worse that he KNEW it was wrong and did it anyway, or if he thought it was okay in the first place?


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
wifetoj77
♀ Member
Member # 10781
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like I belong here too!!

He was planning a future with the last one. It was emails, chatting, phone calls, gifts, etc. They were both trying to figure out a way to meet up at a hotel as well!


Me- BS- 32
Him- WH- 35
M- 15 years
Dday Easter Morning April 16, 2006
6 kids
Back to square one

Posts: 1203 | Registered: May 2006 | From: NE USA
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my exh had done the porn thing off and on (or I would find it off and on) throughout the marriage.

After he lost his job he was supposedly looking for jobs online. I found out he was online look but it wasn't for jobs. He met MOW online, he emailed back any forth with the ONS he had and had 3 cybersex partners by the summer I kicked him out. He also had atleast 5 accounts on various sites listed as married and look or single and looking. With a website tracker installed I knew what he was looking at only to find out he was trolling like this while I was not 10 feet away.

The end result was him exposing the kids (7 and 10 at the time) to various pictures and videos of his. He had al kind of disgusting pics of himself he was also sending to people he had never met.

He said that he really didn't think it was cheating. He and the MOW never had sex ( I caught him before they did I am sure) and the cybersex was not sex other than he prefered it to sex with me.

Needless to say I am going to have serious issues down the road with internet usage of a partner in any new relationship because I am still traumatized by it all. I watch my kids like a hawk when they are online because I don't want them to be harmed any more by it.

(shudder)


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh this was definatly my WW's vehicle of choice. From the time she got a computer to cybersex in less then a month the first time. By the time I busted her on the first D-day it was on 3 months, she had already given out her cell number a number of times and was planning to meet a guy that was going to be in town.

When my parents bought her the laptop in Jan 06. We had a big fight because I didn't want her using it outside the family room, and only while I was there. She ended up throwing my laptop on the ground breaking the screen, and stormed outta the house to her friends house for a week. Her excuse was that I still didn't trust her, and didn't respect her to never to do it again. Hindsight is 20/20. Couple of weeks later Cybersex->Phonesex->Porn pic she took of herself->Meeting up with guys->Flying in guys->Sex at the local truck stop->vacations to met up with->ETC

What a slut..


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Inchoate
♀ Member
Member # 9065
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not clear whether this thread is only for BSs (i.e., being on the receiving end of "experiencing this type of betrayal"), but my A was an online EA and I'm happy (well, that's probably not the word, but I can't come up with a better one at the moment) to share my perspective and experience if it will be helpful to anyone trying to recover from his or her WSs online EA (no porn experience for me, though).

It has been my observation and experience that outsiders often belittle the level of betrayal and the devastation caused by this form of infidelity ("just an EA," "just on the computer" etc. ) and that just adds an extra level of devastation and betrayal.

Mods, if you don't intend for WSs to participate in this thread please indicate, but if you could leave this post up people can PM me. Or delete this post if it really really doesn't belong here. I don't want to contribute to anyone being triggered or hurt.

[This message edited by Inchoate at 8:45 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]


Former Wayward Ninja, recovered
"The shadows tell us where the light is" (my DD@3)
"Growing up is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it." (Agliarept)

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