My WH's LT, emotional A was mostly online through emails, IM's and chat rooms. It progressed to phone and snail mail over time.
Prior to the LTA, he had many years of "cyber" play with women...activities he deemed "harmless flirting" that went from private chat rooms to IM's....and it was very sexually explicit.
He also spent a lot of time on porn sites with the womnan he had the A with, finding sexual position photos they imagined trying with each other, etc.
We fought about how much the online "playing" hurt me, but nothing ever changed. I just got an apology and a promise that it wouldn't happen anymore, but it always did.
My WH is one of the
"offenders" who dosn't believe what he did was wrong because it wasn't actually physical contact. (although it almost turned out to be because he and the OW were going to meet and get together.)
If any of you have dealt with internet issues in your marriage, I welcome you to become my roommates here..free of charge.
Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick
mine however is not into porn..lucky me I guess..
He, too, still does not think there really was anything wrong with it..but we can atleast agree some of it was inappropriate...
We are trying to work on it!
My story should be in my profile.
The A started online and escalated into phone sex calls and him buying her gifts and then meeting her and spending an entire day with her.
Strike had an online EA twice, with the same woman.
Consisted of posting on messageboards, IM'ing and PM'ing. Supposedly not "sexual" but VERY flirty and crossed the line big time.
First time lasted about 2 months, then I caught him. Had no contact for 8 months when he sought her out again. This time lasted 3-4months.
He says it was because of his depression, he didn't feel he could talk to me, so he used her to make himself feel better. The flirting was to keep her interested so he could talk about his problems.
"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it
she was his support when he quit drinking, also according to him other people too...he couldn't supposedly talk to me either...
I'm wondering, is this usually the case, there always a problem we couldn't help them with and is that just their way of trying to place the blame?
sheisnothappy, I don't know. I know my H has a looooong history of conflict avoidance, and fear of disappointing people.
One of the 2 big things I'm struggling with is how I could be replaced by a computer screen
one problem I keep having and this was even before my dday..(because I have somehow(my gut) known for the last year)
my wh has a very healthy um libido most of the time..I am always wondering to myself, when he pulls himself away from it for "it", was he just talking to someone?
He, too, claims that he never cheated because he never actually had sex with these women. BUT ... he met at least one in person, and was heavily into trying to arrange some afternoon delight with another when he was found out.
My hope is that someday he realizes what it was he did, because he sure doesn't see it my way at this point in time.
It is so painful (and infuriating) to sign up for these sites and find his profiles. The good news is that they've been inactive. The bad news is that they ever existed at all.
- Christian Bovee
"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."
- Dorothy Parker
My FWH's infidelity was online...never did anything physically that I found out about. He was on alt.com, AFF, and a few other websites though.
He was chatting with real women in our area, sending e-mails, initiating the e-mails you name it....all the while ignoring me sexually. I kid you not, we literally only had sex 3 times in 2 years....and it wasn't because I wasn't trying. He turned ME down all the time.
I finally installed a keylogger on our computer because he was beginning to get lazy, and I'd slowly find things on the computer...which of course he'd deny when I'd confront him. I installed a "free" trial version of a keylogger thinking "this is just going to prove I'm wrong about this", only to find out within 10 hours what he was really up to.
Oh, I forgot to mention...we had been going to marriage counseling for a year and a half too when I found out....he NEVER let on what he was doing.
It was very nearly the end of our marriage. We've made it through though and now have a much better relationship than we ever had before.
FWH met FOW online in a chatroom...EA to PA to LTA...
Without MSN, my wife's A would never have begun....at least not with the OM. (I'm sure it was just a question of time, looking back with the knowledge I have now).
Hers was a 3 year LTA, with 4-5 hours of on and off chatting via messenger every working day.
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
Never make anyone a priority who makes you only an option.
Well, I guess that makes me lucky....though now that I think about it, is it worse that he KNEW it was wrong and did it anyway, or if he thought it was okay in the first place?
He was planning a future with the last one. It was emails, chatting, phone calls, gifts, etc. They were both trying to figure out a way to meet up at a hotel as well!
After he lost his job he was supposedly looking for jobs online. I found out he was online look but it wasn't for jobs. He met MOW online, he emailed back any forth with the ONS he had and had 3 cybersex partners by the summer I kicked him out. He also had atleast 5 accounts on various sites listed as married and look or single and looking. With a website tracker installed I knew what he was looking at only to find out he was trolling like this while I was not 10 feet away.
The end result was him exposing the kids (7 and 10 at the time) to various pictures and videos of his. He had al kind of disgusting pics of himself he was also sending to people he had never met.
He said that he really didn't think it was cheating. He and the MOW never had sex ( I caught him before they did I am sure) and the cybersex was not sex other than he prefered it to sex with me.
Needless to say I am going to have serious issues down the road with internet usage of a partner in any new relationship because I am still traumatized by it all. I watch my kids like a hawk when they are online because I don't want them to be harmed any more by it.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
When my parents bought her the laptop in Jan 06. We had a big fight because I didn't want her using it outside the family room, and only while I was there. She ended up throwing my laptop on the ground breaking the screen, and stormed outta the house to her friends house for a week. Her excuse was that I still didn't trust her, and didn't respect her to never to do it again. Hindsight is 20/20. Couple of weeks later Cybersex->Phonesex->Porn pic she took of herself->Meeting up with guys->Flying in guys->Sex at the local truck stop->vacations to met up with->ETC
What a slut..
It has been my observation and experience that outsiders often belittle the level of betrayal and the devastation caused by this form of infidelity ("just an EA," "just on the computer" etc. ) and that just adds an extra level of devastation and betrayal.
Mods, if you don't intend for WSs to participate in this thread please indicate, but if you could leave this post up people can PM me. Or delete this post if it really really doesn't belong here. I don't want to contribute to anyone being triggered or hurt.
[This message edited by Inchoate at 8:45 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]