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User
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Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
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hopeful333
♀ Member
Member # 15475 |  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2007 |     |
I found out about 3 months ago my husband was cheating. It hurts so much even though it wasn't physical. It doesn't matter how a vow was broken. Only that the vow was broken. A computer is the last thing that I would have guessed would cause us such problems.
Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2007 | summagal65
New Member
Member # 15707 | | Posted: 10:54 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Found out through keylogging that he is posting/responding to online ads. I created a fake email and have been emailing for the last week. He now wants to meet. I am not prepared to confront him at this time. If I had enough money I would hire a PI to meet with him.
Here is my thought now, should I set up a meeting and then let him go off and get stood up?
Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2007 | lady_rose58
♀ Member
Member # 12695 | | Posted: 11:04 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Hey just make up some excuse that you cann't make it at that time. Tell him u are not ready to meet in person yet!
I went thru all this crap with my WH! He still plays on the puter and chats! 
I just finally decided I didn't give a ##it anymore!
Me 48
WM 43
together 6 ys married 4
Jan 05, Aug 06, Nov 2, 06...
LADY~ROSE
Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Arkansas | dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142 | | Posted: 3:21 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007 | |
summa~ I did this also. But, the first time he cancelled...but, with the next profile...he got bolder & filthier; & he wanted to meet, but I chickened out.
I am sorry about that now.
It would have been a priceless "Master Card Moment" to walk in with a wig on...& snap a foto... 
~WH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~
Posts: 25131 | Registered: Sep 2005 | misto1976
♀ Member
Member # 14803 | | Posted: 3:49 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Yeah, I belong here as well and I didn't even realize it until I started reading and posting on this site...my H had an PA six months ago but the reason why I am here is a few years ago I started chatting and developed a few different EA's online. My husband knew about them and he eventually had EA's online too and at the time I just figured it was a way to spice up the marriage...until emotions got involved but we ended the chatting and stopped any involvements outside of the M and everything was going good until six months ago when he had a PA (sex, twice) with a co-worker and my world fell apart. From coming here I realize the error of my ways and how badly I hurt him too with the online stuff. Anyways, that's my story.
Me - FBS/FWS (EA) 31
Him - FBS/FWH 30
Three kids
DDay - Feb. 21, 2007
R - Feb. 23, 2007 Still working every day
OW - is a not going to invade my thoughts anymore :)
Posts: 218 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Texas | summagal65
New Member
Member # 15707 | | Posted: 7:43 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007 | |
I had a thought, I might get him all ready to meet. Then suddenly a "friend" of "hers" will send him an email from her account saying she just found out and as her friend can't let her meet with a scumbag and how dare he cheat on his wife. By now I've gotten him to admit that yes he is married, got his cell #(which is the one he has for work) and what his real name is.
FYI download pdfcreator, so you don't have to print all the emails, saves it to a pdf file. I have my little flash drive I carry with me everywhere(and a backup somewhere else). Was always afraid the papers could be found.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2007 | momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766 | | Posted: 2:56 PM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007 | |
Hi, my H cheated with 2 women he met online. The first one he met at sexsearch and the second at AFF. It started with looking at porn and then cybersex, then he physically cheated. We're trying to R but it's been an emotional rollercoaster for the past nearly 5 months. He's become a sex addict and he's fighting his addiction right now, which I'm proud of but the past has been rearing its ugly too often lately. I guess this will be my home away from home aside prom the pregnant/new parent thread and the SA thread.
Me - FBW turned WW (28)
D-Day 1, 09/29/11
D-Day 2, 10/28/11, Brief EA with OM
H - FWH (30) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
One day fling each; online As turned physical
Married since: 5/20/05 (together since 08/14/03)
Childre
Posts: 488 | Registered: May 2007 | dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142 | | Posted: 6:01 PM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007 | |
summa~ brilliant idea!!!
Sock it to him!
Thnx for the info about pdf, too. 
~WH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~
Posts: 25131 | Registered: Sep 2005 | momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766 | | Posted: 12:13 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2007 | |
Anyone here??
Hopeful, while H and I were dating he had cybersex with another W, he admitted to it and I gave him another chance. On dday one 5 months ago, that was when his first online A turned physical, that is so much harder. It was so much easier to forgive him 2 years ago when it was just an online thing. Dday2 was so much harder but now we're working on R. It's such an emotional rollercoaster!
Me - FBW turned WW (28)
D-Day 1, 09/29/11
D-Day 2, 10/28/11, Brief EA with OM
H - FWH (30) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
One day fling each; online As turned physical
Married since: 5/20/05 (together since 08/14/03)
Childre
Posts: 488 | Registered: May 2007 | unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480 | | Posted: 1:33 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2007 | |
I would like to welcome the new folks who have joined us. Sorry you have to find a site like this, but it's a good one!
Summagal, how did this turn out w/ your H? Have you done anything else yet?
For some of us the online only stuff is just as hurtful, and multiple d-days and A's are difficult, no matter what.
I think the combination of "Internet Fog" and "Infidelity Fog" is harder to get out of and the fantasy side of it is very powerful!
The Internet becomes a "drug of choice" for some people and the addition of sexual content it can really overwhelm the WS. Fantasy completely over rides reality. It can be very bizarre.
momofthree, It is a rollercoaster! You will have lots of emotions right now, plus the addition of newborn twins can really add to the pile!
Hang in there. You could really benefit from IC right now. If you aren't breastfeeding you might want to try anti depressants and anti anxiety meds.
I think we can all agree, this is really a hard thing to get through, but there are a lot of us here that have been through this and have survived and some of us have even thrived.
((((lady_rose58))))
I thought I could just not give a ##it either. I wasn't very successful. I could not in any way seem to talk myself out of being hurt by all of it.
It finally came down to the basics, if you are living in my home with me, your wife, and with our children you are expected to be a husband and father 24/7, no matter what else you are doing you are a husband and father. If you feel the need to "act single", MOVE!
And I had my ducks in a row to move my children out with me if need be. I realized it was too damaging to my psyche to live in the same house with him while he was online "doing his thing."
I send you strength to cope with his continued chatting and "playing."
FBS-Me, 59
FWH-Him, 54
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie
Posts: 4849 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east... | momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766 | | Posted: 1:39 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2007 | |
I am breastfeeding. My OB refuses to let me take any meds. I've been toughing it out since I left the hospital. It's going OK now though...
Me - FBW turned WW (28)
D-Day 1, 09/29/11
D-Day 2, 10/28/11, Brief EA with OM
H - FWH (30) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
One day fling each; online As turned physical
Married since: 5/20/05 (together since 08/14/03)
Childre
Posts: 488 | Registered: May 2007 | Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224 | | Posted: 2:42 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2007 | |
unarmbears, your post was fantastic. I read that part about being a husband and father (wife and mother, in our case) 24/7 or MOVE to my FWW.
She does agree. Sometimes I feel the need to underscore how things are these days.
I will never go through this again. Never. I will throw her crap on the lawn first, and change the locks. Never again.
DDay 7/4/07 found out about OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R
2 DSs, ages 7 and 5
DD, newborn
Posts: 9358 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah | ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986 | | Posted: 1:25 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2007 | |
unarms
I also agree that the H 24/7 was a good thing. Like Crossbow--It is W24/7.
I think that the emotional side is harder to get over than the physical. I will tell you why.
Physical--Well, yeah they slept with the person, yeah the connected physically--Which is suppose to be intimate, and yeah things should not be shared.
Emotional--Well, that is the connection that means more to me. At first it wasn't, (I am a man ya know...  ), but I came to find out that emotionally it is so much more fufilling. Unfortunately, my WW doesn't care, so it is a mute issue.
Unarms--I understand that you didn't want to live under the same roof with someone that is doing that stuff on the computer while you are there. But for me, I don't care...I really don't. I understand she doesn't love me (at least that is what she said.) That is o.k., my daughter does--my family does--my friends do. I don't have to live in a fantasy world to get my approval from anyone. Emotionally I am strong enough to weather and withstand this "assault". But, I am getting a D, first hearing is 11 Oct.
I only have to put up with it so long til I can tell the WW to "Get the heck out". That will be a glorious day
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain
Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska | summagal65
New Member
Member # 15707 | | Posted: 9:33 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2007 | |
Well I knew I wasn't ready to confront him so I had a "friend" email him saying that the girl wasn't going to meet him, that he should back to his wife. Of course he didn't respond and deleted all this. At least in some way "I" got to tell him off.
He's back to responding to other ads, but get this, some of them are bisexual. This is a whole different thing.
What kills me is that I am interested in all of the things he advertises/responds too. We have even done some of these, so he just wants to do it with other people instead of me.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2007 | unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480 | | Posted: 12:02 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2007 | |
Oh Summagal!
It sounds like he is so thick in the internet sexual fantasy world that he would shudder if he truly saw what he was doing.
My FWH described it as a "churning in his gut" when he would get online. He needed some "strange" to get his fix.
Are you going to confront or feed him enough rope to really strangle himself?
FBS-Me, 59
FWH-Him, 54
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie
Posts: 4849 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east... | brokenliz
New Member
Member # 15928 | | Posted: 3:05 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2007 | |
Summagal--I was EXACTLY where you are--found replies to ads my husband posted in an account I didn't know he had--most of what he was looking for I was interested in too..except the bisexual part, guess I can't help there. I (stupidly) confronted him, and he said that he never intended to go through with any of it. But now its 3 years later, and who knows the truth? He's still pulled a lot of shit thats similar. I know how sucky this is, and I am so, so sorry--but I think that you're doing the right thing by waiting to see how far it gets. I wish that I had been as smart as you!
Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2007 | Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313 | | Posted: 3:37 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2007 | |
The really bad thing about online cheating is that it's very easy for a WS to justify what they're doing by saying it's "only" talking. At first, I did that exact thing- telling myself it didn't mean anything, that it was only talk, that nothing more would ever happen.
By assuming that they're "safe" in cybering, WSes go much more quickly into the obsession of the A. The addictive quality of those chats can be very hard to break free of. How easy, then, it is to compare your BS unfavorably since the BS isn't constantly feeding the WS' bottomless ego.
As one boundary is crossed with no repercussions, then another, it is much easier than you'd think to move the EA into PA- even over distance.
[This message edited by Fallen at 3:38 PM, August 24th (Friday)]
You can't heal what you won't feel.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
Posts: 23441 | Registered: May 2004 | momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766 | | Posted: 9:49 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2007 | |
Fallen, you're right.
While FWH and I were dating, he admitted to cyber cheating and I forgave him. To my knowledge he stopped doing it after that but several months before dday1 he was doing it again and I found out because I came accross adult dating sites on the computer and I confronted him. He had the "guilty" look and he apologized and we "made up" but 2 days later one of those A's turned physical. We sought MC but at the time he didn't realize he was a SA so that was swept under the rug. The same thing started before dday2, I was less than a month away from having our twins and we weren't having sex for a while so he signed up to AFF to receive "erotic email" and that's when he had another A turned physical. That's when he realized he was a SA and he's been seeking help eversince. It's been rough but I can see us R'ing though the healingmay take several years. [This message edited by momofthree2007 at 9:50 PM, August 24th (Friday)]
Me - FBW turned WW (28)
D-Day 1, 09/29/11
D-Day 2, 10/28/11, Brief EA with OM
H - FWH (30) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
One day fling each; online As turned physical
Married since: 5/20/05 (together since 08/14/03)
Childre
Posts: 488 | Registered: May 2007 | summagal65
New Member
Member # 15707 | | Posted: 7:26 AM, August 30th (Thursday), 2007 | |
Well, he keeps responding to ads, but so far it's never progressed beyond the initial hey what are you into phase. My two kids had been away, now they are back so he doesn't have as much free access on the home computer(it's in an open area) so now he has to "work late" at the office. Since I have his email password, I can tell he is doing this from work now. He is unbelievable in that I'll note what time he calls me from work then look at the timestamp on his emails he is actually calling me moments before or after sending this crap.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2007 | bubbylou
♀ Member
Member # 15999 | | Posted: 4:03 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2007 | |
Hi everybody,
I guess I belong in this thread too. A little over a week ago I found emails that my WH had sent to 3 different women on craigslist. Nobody ever responded and when I confronted him with it, he swore up and down that nothing ever happened..we were going through a rough time when he did it, blah blah blah. 
Anyway, I just have this sinking feeling in my gut that there's something more thát he's not telling me. I really don't think he's had sex with anyone, b/c I honestly don't know when he'd have the time to do so. He's always either at work or at home, doesn't work overtime, etc. But the thing is, he sent these emails while he was at work and he has his own laptop at work with him. So I have no way of checking his internet history for his laptop.
How can I search for him on these sites like AFF, match, etc. And can anyone help me with the names of some of these sites? This is so out of my realm and I'm at a loss. And I HATE the fact that I feel the need to go looking for my HUSBAND on adult friend sites!!
Anyways, I'd really appreciate any help you guys can offer...if nothing else, then just for my own peace of mind. Maybe this would belong in the investigation forum, however I don't know how to get in there. I guess you have to have so many posts or something?
TIA
BS - Me
WS - Him
Dday #1: 7/20/2002
Dday #2: 8/29/2007
Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Southwest | | Topic Posts: 698 | |
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